Top 20 - Gals

Here are the top 10 ladies!

Carly Smithson- So we are reminded in Carly's secret files video that she owns a tattoo shop. But did we know that Carly also works at an Irish bar?!?!?!? NO! Down the street from her ink shop is this pub she serves drinks in. And not just any drinks...these drinks have little shamrocks fucking etched into their foam. Hell yeah! Also, Carly is extremely neat which is shown to us by her making of a bed. Hooray!

She comes out on stage looking much better than she did last week. Her makeup is done more delicately and she looks way prettier. Oh, and she's rocking knee-high boots which look so super hot on her. She's singing that "Crazy On You" song which I would never imagine in a thousand years that she would sing. Not only is she great at handling them low notes, but she has quite good control over her higher belting range. Never getting too wild, she has her voice trained real well and the performance is absolutely amazing. She does some perfect rock screeches and I am left speechless. She still has that cursed goblin face that she makes whenever she opens upo wide, but whatever, she's amazing.

Randy lies and says that she has some trouble with low notes. Paula says that she's glad Carly is healthy (was she sick?). Simon then points out the fact that Carly is panting and proceeds to make fun of her for it. Better than last week? Yes. But for some reason, Simon is still a dick to this girl. He says that she didn't seem connected to the song and that even though she is one of the best singers in the competition, she hasn't found the right song yet to really showcase her talents. I dunno...I thought she fucking blew it out of the water tonight.

My Grade: A


S-YES-ha Mercado- Her secret? She's been in commercials. Boring. We are shown a clip of Syesha sitting on a beach yelling at some dude to find her a shell. I dunno. Whatever. She thinks she's an actress and I've just about rolled my eye seven times already when...holy hell...she does an impersonation of a baby that seriously scared the living shit out of me. Dead-on, she sounds like an infant. WHAT?!?!??!?! This is probably in my top three of the most unnerving thing I have ever seen.

She is singing a revamped version of "Me and Mrs. Jones". She is afrotastic with her big hair wrapped all up by the sassy headscarf. She looks like the beautiful nubian goddess that Tyra Banks kind of wishes she could be. Anyway, Syesha and her big hoops start the song off slow but quickly gets to the good stuff and starts belting. She makes great eye contact with the camera and really seem to connect with the song. Near the end of the song she does some interesting stop-and-go belting before hitting the last note. Sadly though, the last note is completely sharp and she knows it and the note goes on and on forever and really flubbs up the ending.

Randy basically says that because she is good at belting, she should never ever do a slow soft song. Kind of shitty advice. Paula goes the nicer route and says that when she belts (the right notes) she "pierces"...which I think is Paula's word of the week. Simon calls it indulgent, which I don't think it is. I think she has a humbleness about her which is very appealing. She was "silly" to pick this song, he says because the song is meant for a guy. Damn, since when have the judges been such sticklers for people staying completely confined to one type of song. You know damn well that if she just sang belitng songs or if Amanda only sang Janis Joplin songs, they would bitch about those as well. You just can't win.

My Grade: B


Brooke "Organic Greens" White- So in her video, Brooke and her mermaid hair tell us that she went to beauty school to become a hairstylist. Blah blah. She then gets mad corny and quotes "Grease" by saying that she is a "beauty school drop-out"...oh wow, didn't see that one coming.

So she starts the performance on the death-stool which has yet to do anyone any good this season. She's singing...NOOOO! "You're So Vain" aka one of my favorite songs ever. Damnit! Don't ruin it bitch. Oh...too late. She is seated like a flower child with an acoustic guitar on her lap. Xtina makes a good point by saying she looks like Sheryl Crow and that the song sounds like a poor cover by Crow of Carly Simon's song. Brooke's voice gets really lost in the chorus and doesn't seem to get in pitch during the low notes. It seems like she realizes it is going poorly cuz she makes these little weird smile faces every now and then where you know in her head she's thinking "Ah FUCK." Then she stops playing the guitar and just sings and it's like...was it even necessary then? Looking more like a prop then an instrument to advance the song, she just holds it. The camera close-ups to her face and she looks a little frightened and her starts to bob up and down and it's weird. To her credit though, she does sing the verses reasonably well, but the chorus is just a really muddled. She ends the song with a guitar strut and then looks up at the judges with this big-eyed "please don't kill me" look.

And to my surprise, they don't. Randy thought it was boring, but good and then coerces Brooke to say she was singing it to Simon. Hahaha. Shut up. Paula said that it suits her, whatever that means. Simon thought it was really really good and that she made a wise choice in using the guitar, and I'm dumbfounded. I thought it was mediocre at best and I can't believe that the worst criticism she got was that it was "boring." Um...how about "out of tune during the entire chorus"???

My Grade: C+


Ramiele Maboobaloooooo- So Ramiele and her oddly puffy face try to convince us that it is unexpected that she knows how to Polyensian dance. Duh...and shut up, Sanjaya Papaya already used island dancing as his secret last year, bitch. She then tells us that she can move her hips without moving her shoulders and I still don't care. Oh, and if she picks an upbeat song (TREAT!) she will dance for us! Ug...I hurl.

She sings "Don't Leave Me This Way" which LaToya London sang ace season three. Ramiele has a decent voice, though he hand gesutres/facial expressions and overall performance is a little too overly animated for the slow quiet beginning of the song. When the song picks up she gets into it and it is actually quite good. She has earplug earrings that dangle next to her face and her hair looks filthy and gross. For such a great Polynesian dancer, though he doesn't really move around too much. Just shaking her hands around and bouncing up and down is about the extent of her performance. She belts at the end and it is a nice ending to an okay performance.

Randy gets really skeevy and say that all the male contestants in the audience (sans Archuleta, Miley Cyrus and David Hernandez) thought she was hot. Ew. He then wonders why out of all these great 70's songs she chose this one. Basically, since he hates this song, he hates her performance. Ha. Paula steals a line from Simon and says that Mabooobaloooo is "one to beat," which Simon has already said about like 5 other contestants. Paula then says she was flat throughout a lot of the performance, before saying "you were perfect." She makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Simon thought it was forgettable and lame and stupid and then he screams at the audience cuz they start to boo him.

My Grade: B


Kristi Lee Cook- So her secret is that she's basically a redneck that likes hunting and fishing and killing. But she just LOOOOOOVES horses! We are shown shots of her feeding forces and riding them in water up to the horse's head. How sweet.

She is singing "You're No Good" which I have never heard before. Firstly, she is wearing the ugliest thing I have ever seen ever. Her shirt looks like some sort of shiny plastic or something with her boobs EXPLODING out all over the place. Her pants are this pseudo-velvet like material that glisten when under just the right kind of light. Throughout the performance she keeps squating and all her kibbles and bits start flying out and it's disturbing. It seems like many of the contestants this season don't know how to handle themselves on stage, so they resort to walking in circles, making goofy faces and squating constantly as an alternative to actually performing. Kristi makes one flirtatious face into the camera after another, but instead of looking hot, she just looks kind of constipated. The thing is, this is probably a good song choice for her, but her voice just isn't as strong or just plain good as the others in the competition. It's weak and feeble and not memorable in the slightest bit. Her last note is croaky and she sound congested when she is singing it.

Randy says that it was 100% better than last week (note: he never says it's good though). Paula in her tortilla shirt say that Kristi's "back", as opposed to being kidnapped after last week's show and being smuggled over to Mexico to where we would never see her again. Simon thought it was an improvement, but says that she is not really clear on what style-boxof music she really wants to be placed into.

My Grade: B-


Amanda "the Cowardly Lion" Overmyer- So just like male rocker David Cook, Amanda's big secret is that SHE LOVES TO READ. What kind of books? Biographies of rockstars...duh! We are then shown a painful clip of Amanda talking about how she loves to read about the music industry so she knows how it is...blah blah...whatever.

She will be singing that "Carry On Wayward Son" which is a song I would never ever ever think would be performed on Idol. And for good reason...it's not really a singer's song. The instrumentals take up a lot of the spotlight and I can't imagine a good shorter arrangement of the song ever being successful pulled off. And I am pretty much dead on. Amanda comes out with her hair that looks like Bride of Frankestein meets the Lion from "The Wizard of Oz." The song starts and she already seems a little off the beat. The low notes of the verse are really bad for her and she actually sounds retarded when hitting them because they are so out of her range. Her outfit is a terrifying mess and her eyes bug out constantly and it is quite painful to watch. And I am a fan of Amanda and I must say that it was TERRIBLE. The chorus is decent, mainly because the background singers are there to salvage any chance that this song has of not bursting into flames due to it being godawful. During a short guitar solo she gets funky and dances around and it's pretty cool how into it she is, but you can tell that she knows she's fucked up REAL bad. She tries to belt at the end, but it's just a loud horse scream and it is just a fucking disaster. NO AMANDA!!!

Randy thought it was a bad song choice and doesn't understand why she would choose a song with too much melody and too much instrumentation. Paula goes the nice route and comments on her dancing to which Amanda looks embarrassed. She then says that Amanda should stick to Janis Joplin songs (though as mentioned before, you know the second she sings a Janis song, she will be murdered). Simon thought it was contrived, thought her hair and outfit were hideous and basically said the entire performance was terrible. And sadly, I must agree.

My Grade: D


Alaina Whitaker- Her fun fact is actually quite disturbing. Alaina is uber-OCD with food to the point where she has trouble eating different kinds of food if they touch each other. She HATES juicy vegetables as well. We are shown shots of her eating rice and segregating food on her plate and this entire clip is completely worthless and weird.

She is singing that "Hopelessly Devoted" song from "Grease" and I automatically think it is a bad idea because that song is way too slow and old-fashioned and kind of boring to be performed on American Idol. Alaina comes out with 6 hoops hangling from her ears and getting tangled in her dirty looking hair. She has this abused dejected look in her face and has her arm sitting crippled up next to her for the first ten seconds of the song and it's creepy. She sings well, but once again, this song really does NOTHING for her. It only offers a few spots where she could really belt or showcase some power behind her voice, and she blows it by going sharp and each part.

Randy likes the song and Olivia Newton John, but doesn't really like Alaina and he says that it was pitchy. Paula does her new favorite thing this season, which is ask the contestants if they like the song they sang, instead of actually commenting on it. Alaina says she LOVES IT...blah blah. Simon actually likes her, but thinks she's being to "pagenty" which I totally see. He suggests that she might be a robot and has been programmed to act and perform in a specific way, but that she is actually a good singer. He then calls her a "dark horse" to win the competition, which is a total lie cuz this girl has the stage presence of a wet sock.

My Grade: B-


Alexandrea Lushington- She still has that annoying?/awesome? and a questionable sexuality. Her secret? She used to sing for firemen, or something. I don't really understand but we are shown pictures of her with her dad and then we see a video of her looking like a dog and singing at Ground Zero or something.

She will be singing "If You Leave Me Now" and I yawn. She is dressed like a blind (male) college student with cargo shorts and a hooded vest. Her man legs are planted to the stage and she just kind of swivels around on her hips. The "Wooo"s are really outta wack. I think this is the worst song for her to sing ever, cuz it has 0% heart and soul. It's vapid and boring which is totally not what Lushington is all about. She isn't tender enough to deliver a song like that so it just ends up sounding forced. Kind of like if Hulk Hogan was to sing a Mandy Moore song. It just doesn't work.

Randy forces her to admit that she bombed, which she obliges. He then laughs and says that it was funny...hahaha...MEAN and UNNECESSARY! He then calls it safe and makes a comment about her chest. Paula thought she let go, which I don't know if it is meant to be negative or positive, but then I remember that Paula is speaking, so it doesn't really matter. She said that she made the song "relevant" which I don't totally get either. Simon cuts the crap and says he used to like her, but now hethinks she has "stumbled." He calls the song too "old-fashioned" and says that she was in & out of tune. GOOD CALL.

My Grade: C-


Kady Malloy- So Kady's talent is actually cool. Aside from singing like Britney Spears and singing poorly as herself on the Idol stage, she is an opera singer. We are shown her singing in front of a mirror and damn, she is pretty fucking awesome. Wonder why she doesn't bring that power in her voice to the voting stage. She then says that she's sure Simon will hate that she sings opera, which I don't understand for I never have recalled him ever saying ANYTHING about Opera. Whatever.

She's singing "Magic Man" and the song starts all chipper with a tight beat. Kady though, is a mess. Firstly, she's wearing an outfit that is encrusted with these huge ass stones all over it that looks absolutely ridiculous. Secondly, she begins descending the flight of stairs trying to look all flirty. Thirdly, I can't hear anything she says. I don't know if she is completely on-mic or not, but between the drums and bass in the beginning it is hard as a fuck to hear her sing in the verse. It doesn't seem like she ever real finds the right pitch, and she kind of just bounces along. It's quite bizarre and there are a lot of parts where she coyly speaks instead of singing and it's not cute or sexy or anything other than irritating and confusing. Like seriously, it's performances like these that make me wonder if they even practice before going out. And if they do, don't they realize how awful and just plain weird they sound? Don't they have people listening to them and guiding them that could lay down the law and say..."YO THAT SUCKS, pick another song"? The whole fucknig thing is a mess except for the last five seconds where she belts nicely, but it is totally not enough to save this shitfest from rotting.

Randy thought it was an interesting choice, but said that she never really found her pitch. So true. Paula points out that she was okay when she belted...also true. Simon says that he really likes her personality, and I do too, but when she gets on stage, all of that just disappears. It's like two completely different people. On her videos she seems so funny and cute and awesome, but on stage she is boring and off-pitch and irritating. And sadly, I don't think she is gonna get another chance to prove herself, cuz after last week's performance and this week's performance, I think her time is up.

My Grade: C-


Asia'h Epperson- Closing out this mediocre night is Asia'h, who is, to our surprise, a cheerleader. She loves fun and dancing and cheer camp! Shut up! Whatever, let's get this shit started.

She is singing "All By Myself" and I am immediately turned off. This is such a big song that I don't know if even Carly would be able to nail it. First off, her haid is straight and it's not a good look for her. The verses are fucked up. Too low, she seems to be really nervous and just kind of flatly sings all these really flat notes. Pretty painful, but not nearly as much as when she starts to sing the chorus and her voice refuses to even sing part of it. Cracking and screeching, most of the performance sounds like a 6 years old girl singing at her family's Christmas party and everyone claps and is impressed because, hey, she's fucking 6 years old and is singing, but damn...Asia'h isn't six, and this performance blows. She knows it too, cuz at one point she fucks up with the pitch and she makes the "oh, shit" face we've seen thirty times already tonight. Thank God for the good belt at the end, cuz this was a pretty dismal performace edging on ecruciating.

Randy knows she's sick and said that he actally thought it was good. WHAT?!?!?!?!? FUCK OFF. Paula whispers and mimes her hands all over the place and is made that she had to even listen to that shit. Simon says that this song is for Divas only, and that Asia'h isn't and never will be good enough for this song. HHahahahha. Basically calling her a sub-par singer, he crushes all of dreams and it's funny.

My Grade: D+


Safe?
- Carly Smithson for being the best of the night.
- Syesha Mercado for not completely bombing and for having "YES" in her name.
- Ramiele Mabooobaloooooo for picking an upbeat song that didn't completely drown out her vocals.


In Danger?
- Lushington for singing with zero commitment/involvement with the song.
- Asia'h Epperson for sounding like a partially deaf adolescent and having ugly hair.
- Kady Malloy for singing badly and not having Amanda Overmyer's kookiness to keep her interesting.

Top 20 - Guys

Hooray! Tonight is 70's night! This is sure to be interesting considering that none of the contestants were of a conscious age when most of these songs were released. Blah blah...crappy introduction shit, let's get to the singing. (ps...I attached links to their performances on each of their names).

Michael Johns- So the awesome dude who rounded out the show last week is now being put to the test to see if he can handle the always intimidating first performance slot. So in an attempt by the producers of the show to make this year's contestants not seem like completely vapid and robotic singing machines (cough, Carrie Underwood, cough), before each performance we are greated with a video where each contestant tells us one reason why we as impatient Americans should remain intrested in their pitiful existences (since in some cases their singing is not enough). Michael? Well his video let's us know that he looooooves tennis. Like a lot. To a point where I almost start to worry that he is drifting too far into the realm of nerd festival.

But then he starts singing and I totally don't care anymore. He is singing that "Go Your Own Way" song by Fleetwood Mac that I absolutely love. The camera starts zoomed in on this concentrated looking black man with an acoustic guitar that will be given so much airtime this episode during each performance that they might as well give him his own call-in number. Anyway, so Michael and his huge gaping mouth are singing reasonably well. However, there are times when he does attempt to hit some high belting notes, and it sounds like he just can't quite make it. This is definitely not the pitch perfect performance he gave last week, but it is by no means bad or even mediocre. He gets reasonably into the performance and struts awkwardly around the stage holding out his hand like he oh-so-desperately wishes he could have a mic stand out on stage with him that he could swing around and shake at the audience ala David Cook. I don't know what happens at the end, but the band stops playing, but Michael still sings a word or two and I can't tell if it is intentional or just a mistake.

Randy thought it took a little while to really get going. He wants him to just let go. Paula speaks for every girl in the audience/world when she says that she thinks she's hot and she'd put out given the opportunity. The audience erupts with whistles and swooning sighs. Simon claims that it was his weakest performance so far to which Paula says that only girls can truly understand the power of Michael Johns (and his loins). Shut up. Regardless of what Simon says though, I gaurentee that his performance will still be in the top five best of the night.

My Grade: B+


Joseph Castro- Our one fun fact about Mr. Different-Hair is that....he hates interviews? Seriously...you mean under all them dreads and those glazed over stoner eyes, the most interesting secret you have about yourself is that you have a distaste for televised conversation? Lame. We are then shown a montage of clips where, surprise, Castro stutters over questions asked and keeps reminding us how much interviews cheese him off. He then makes goofy faces and it's weird and quite uncomfortable.

But whatever, he is still hot so I am willing to forgive him. He sings some song that no one has ever heard before while strumming along on his trusty acoustic. The song is weird...a little too laid back and stoner, if you know what I mean. It's a cutesy little tune, but not something I would ever suggest someone to sing on American Idol. Castro, in yet another hideous blouse, sounds pretty decent, if not a little too weak. His demeanor is so non-threatening and overtly gentle that I sometimes fear the judges will turn on him one week under the notion that he isn't marketable enough to continue on in this freakshow. But then I hear his voice and am reminded that even though he might be a little off this week, he is still a better performer and singer than most of the other guys in the top 20. His eyes sparkle and glisten as he looks dreamily into the camera, beckoning us viewers to help him clean his hair.

Randy says that it was a good performance, featuing aight singing. Paula actually makes a strong statement and suggests that maybe next week (cuz we all know he's safe), he ditches the guitar and concentrates more fully on his vocals. Simon thought that everything was "horrible" and that the song was schmultzy and that Castro just seemed uncomfortable on stage, wthich I totally don't agree with. I mean, sure, his vocals aren't the best we've seen of him so far, but you can't deny the fact that this guy has absolute great prescence on stage. I still love him and hope he comes back next week with a hotter fire brewing within him.

My Grade: B


Luke Menard- So as one of the three dudes I predicted to be sent home, this guy had a lot to prove. Our secret files video show Luke as part of an acapella group! We are shown a bunch of clips of him singing and snapping his fingers and trying to look all suave. His acapella group was SO good that they got to go to JAPAN...or something. Whatever, he's still attractive and I don't really care about Japan or his nerdy singing group.

My expectations are extremely low after last weeks deathtrap performance, but I must say that I was pleasantly surprised! "Killer Queen" by Queen (duh) is the song, and it pretty much fits Luke's voice like a glove. His high, almost whiney voice I don't dare say is as good as Freddie Mercury's, but it is similar and alotts him a give performance. Though weak in some parts, his falsetto is, as Paula would say "his money in his pocket." He looks gorgeous but is still awkward on stage. He then looks like he's trying to half-ass play the air-guitar, which is always embarrassing. He does some unnecessary squats around the stage and would be painful to look at if he wasn't blazing.

Randy thinks that Luke should be given his props for attempting such a difficult song and says that it was actually "pretty good." Paula blargs on and on about something and then says the performance was "great." Simon then comes like a cloud of depression and sadness and says that he thought it was a huge mistake to attempt a Queen song. He pulls his token, "you'll be compared to the original" which annoys me, cuz he only uses that comment on certain artists and I am not sure why. He thought that regardless of how good the performance was, he isn't Freddie Mercury so therefor it suck? I dunno. I know the original and I still liked the performance. I never find myself comparing these contestants with the original artist, because there is no way their version will be better than the original, but whatever. Oh, then Simon more or less says he has the personality of a tire.I dunno...I still liked it Luke!

My Grade: B


Robbie Carrrrrico- So what is this season's poser Bo Bice like to do when he's not singing poorly? Drag race! While wearing bandanas! I must say that out of every season of Idol, this guy could very well be one of the most irritating ever...not cuz he is annoying, but because he is kind of beligerent and really self-righteous and he has one of those annoying chain wallets and he loves the smell of burnty rubber (SHUT UP! Not kooky!).

He's singing "Hot Blooded" which is what I would expect since...you know, he's such a rocker. He's wearing one of Castro's hideous blouses and stomps around on stage trying way to hard to be this year's rocker....which is quite irritating considering that there are like 4 contestants gunning for the role as the token rocker...it's so bad that I think sometimes they care more about what label they can obain for themselves rather than winning the contest. His voice? Ah, it's ok I guess. I honestly can't pay attention to it because I am having way too much trouble simply comprehending this guy's existence. He is like 1/3 hippy, 1/3 rockstar and 1/3 pastrami. He's like Bucky Covington only not slack-jawed and not likeable in a really dopey kind of way.

Randy thought it was okay, but is opening the wound from last week and suggests that this whole rock image isn't genuine and I totally agree. Paula gets all empathetic and says that it must be upsetting to have everyone in the world call you a stupid poser. Robbie cries a little on her shoulder and Paula plays the den mother she oh-so-much wants to be. Simon thought it was a good performance, but that Robbie isn't the rockstar he wants to be. With Amanda and David Cook in the competition, they don't need Robbie's Lynard Skinner impresonation. Robbie starts to get kinda shitty with the judges and then I just roll my eyes and hate him even more.

My Grade: B-


Danny "Jessica Alba" Noriega- So what's the bitchy queen's hidden secret? Well he used to be a punk band...that only played one show...that was basically just a lot of screaming...that no one liked. Wow, that's really engaging. Shut up, you're annoying.

Firstly, I must point out how dreadful his outfit is. Some sort of checkered vest/jacket stretched around and over-size white button-down...it's terribly confusing and not edgy and cute like you know he thinks it is. The song is "You Told Me You Loved Me" or some shit like that and it is boring as fuck and has the sheep in the audience swaying their hands around like dopes. Ths song is really slow, and my hatred for "Miley Cyrus" aside, it's just a weird arrangment. Confusing and dull, I have trouble telling if the song is fucked up, or if it is just Noriega's sub-par vocals.He keeps looking into the camera with his big eyes and perfectly primmed hair and I start to feel a little sick. As it goes on he keeps getting worse and worse and just is really off by the end. He starts acting way too girly for his own good and waves his arms around like he is some sort of diva (in his dreams).

Randy is all like, "TOO SLOW" but "I'M A FAN." Paula says that he's talented and asks for hair tips. Simon thought it was better than last week and thinks that Danny stands out!? Well duh. He then says the camera loves him...which I puke and cry and throw the remote at the TV. Of course, the compliment goes to Danny's head and he purses his lips and gets all "oh my gawd" and it's incredibly irritating. No No No. If this douche makes it into the top 12, I will heave.

My Grade: C


David Hernandez- So recent rumor has it that this guy is a) gay, b) has a steady boyfriend, and c) used to work at a gay strip club (there are pictures to prove it!). Hmm...maybe he's not the cocky frat guy I was planning on labeling him as. And then I see his secret files video where he admits that he used to be all about gymnastics and he won like 30 awards at some fake competition at the Grand Canyon, and all my questions are answered with a resounding "GAY!" He still is kind of cocky, but now in less of a "I'm a stud that could get any girl in this room" way and more in a "I'm a bitchy queen with something prove" kind of way. They say sexuality shouldn't be important, but oh, it is.

He comes out singing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone." His voice is smooth and slick, but still very strong. It begins really slow with David gazing in to the camera and every now and then bugging his eyes out, but it's oddly captivating. He slinks his way around the stage and really gets into the song. When starts to pick up is when he really kicks ass though and he belts and nails every note on point. Wow...I mean, he did a good job last week, but this is incredible. He ends the song superbly and aside from his attitude, I kind of fall in love a little bit.

Randy creams and says it was "hot". Paula slurs around about him having a piercing voice, a perfect performance and that some notes were absolutley amazing. Simon gives David the egoboost he totally doesn't need and says that he was the best so far this night. I agree, but the last thing we need is this guy getting even more full of himself.

My Grade: A-


Jason Yeager(meister)- So apparently this meatman is self-taught at the piano, guitar, drums and not singing. He and his thick neck love music and we are shown him playing every instrument ever made. He smiles like a goofy fuck and I get shivers all up and down my body. Ew...can this guys eriously just leave already. Damn he's obnoxious looking.

"Long Train River" is his song and he comes out on stage looking paunchy and oily and gross. It seems like there's a problem with the mic at first, at which my friend Xtina screams "They are trying to shut off the mic! Yes!" Yeager and his Jell-O body sloth around on stage grinning like a toolbox and not singing well. What is really sad about Yeager is that he really really really wants to be a decent singer and get into the song, but it comes across like a total corn-fiesta. Also, his pants are really tight and with his duck-butt it kinda looks like he's weaing a VERY FULL diaper under his pants. He's paunchy and nasty.

Randy basically says it's pitchy and bad. Paula in her salt water taffy coat said that it was also bad because he didn't pick the right song. Thing is, no matter what song he picks, he'll still perform it like a third-rate lounge singer. Let's face it, he has no chance in hell of winning, so why not just boot him off for being gross-looking? Simon thought it was corny and boring and terrible. Ha! Seriously Yeagermeister, stop singing and get back to raising your 8 year-old son. Peace.

My Grade: C-


Jacuzzi- Secret? He's Nigerian. Wait...what? That's the secret? His name means like "well-crafted person" or something like that...I dunno. Lamest secret ever. Ug...I really don't dig this dude.

He strolls like a cocky fuck out ont the stage and I freak out when I hear him start to sing "I Believe to My Soul" cuz that is totally Elliott Yamin's joint from season 5. BACK OFF! He obviously doesn't sing it as well as Elliott, but he isn't that bad. I mean, aside from the terrifying thursting, gorilla stomping, overly defined hairline, hideous wristwatch/bracelet and the irritating fact that he is wearing TWO brightly colored Polo shirts, the performance is actually semi-decent. At one put in the song he does something no one on Idol has ever had the ego/balls to do, he name drops HIMSELF into the song. I mean, I've seen contestants change the lyrics to be sentimental or funny when they sing their farewell vote-off performance (see Sanjaya Malakar and Camille Velasco), but NEVER have I seen something actually put their name in the song. So annoying and totally not clever or engaging.

Randy says that he's glad Jacuzzi is back this week, and I can't say I agree. Paula is drunk and collapses into a coma. Simon said that he sounds better than last week (which, unlike breaking up, isn't hard to do). But Simon is still seething from the bitchfest that Jacuzzi crapped all over the stage last week and more or less forces Ruben to admit that he was kind of a douchebag. Jacuzzi eats a humble pie and does admit that he was a dick to Simon and that he was ashamed that he acted like a brat...though he still likes the hideous suit he was wearing. Ug!

My Grade: B-


David Cook- He's a "word nerd"??? Okay...now these aren't even secrets. Not funny. David says that he LOVES crosswords and word searches! Haa! Wow, he's just like us! Wait, you mean THE David Cook likes crosswords too! YAY! Ug. He then says that he thinks he knows a lot of really cool words, to which we are shown a montage of him saying words like "Juxtaposed", "Vindicated", "Culmination" and "Obscurity"...none of which are actually that difficult or unknown.

Anyway, he is "All Right Now" which I am pretty sure was played in a Ford commercial last year...oh, those Idol producers are tricky! He has his electric guitar on with an overtly large ampilfier that unnecessarily towers behind David. Such a rockstar! Swoon! His hair is plastered down on his forehead and is totally rebellious and different (like everyone else's this year). It seems like ever since Sanjaya Papaya rocked the ponyhawk, EVERYONE is all about fucking with their hair. JUST SING BETTER. His voice is ok, although during the chorus he does get a little overwhelmed by the back-up singers. He just doesn't hit those low notes well. However, when he does the token rocker-belt, he is very good and unlike Robbie, I think he is actually quite genuine.

Randy takes a dump in Robbie's face and says that David is the "real rocker." Paula is sloshed and says something but I don't listen. Simon thinks that his personality is mad boring and then makes fun of his video clip saying that he is basically an uninteresting person. "No charisma" he spouts out, which I don't really agree with. I thought David's performance was one of the more memorable and better quality acts this night. David then pulls a Jacuzzi and says, let me paraphrase, "that it's a good thing that America are the ones that vote for him and not Simon," to which Simon gets all pissed off and says that he in fact knows the rules of the show and that he now hates David for being an arrogant prick. David then gets all quiet and scared and Ryan tries to damage control the situation and it's just REAL awkward.

My Grade: B


David Archuleta- His secret? He's gay. And by "gay" I mean he ran into the season 1 finalists back before Kelly Clarkson became God and he did and impromptu performance of "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from DREEEEEEAMGIRLS! They show the cute video clip, and damn, Archuleta can wail! They then show Kelly Clarkson being the sweet angel she is and run up to the little boy and tell him how awesome he was. He then gets all cute and says how it boosted his confidence and aw! how it was one of the best moments of his life! YES! I LOVE David...and Kelly. Kelly should come back and compete. Then win.

So not only did David sing that song from Dreamgirls that J-Hud will later rock, but he is singing "Imagine" by John Lennon, also sung by Jennifer Hudson when she was on IDOL! I love this kid more and more! Ok, he still looks like a Muppet with his big lips and goofy little face, but damnit, it he isn't the best damn male singer in this group! The producers keep fading his face from different angles in and out and it's distracting, but whatever...this kid kicks this songs ass. Even with his garbage bag jacket and blue hieroglyphic sparkle t-shirt, David still wins my heart. His voice is great. Enough said.

Randy thought it was the best of the entire season so far! I AGREE! Paula makes so threateningly bizarre statements about how she wants to squeeze him and like hang him from her car mirror...um what? She then says that he is destined for stardom. Then she blacks out. Simon throws David the "you're the one to beat" bone and the audience goes apeshit and everyone's clapping and David tries to talk but gets all stuttering and nervous. YAY! This kid kicks everyone's ass. If he keeps delivering performances like this, no one will even come close to beating him.

My Grade: A



Safe?
- David Hernandez for having a strong, powerful voice and a questionable sexuality
- Michael Johns for being the heart-throb that America wants him to be.
- David Archuleta for meeting Kelly Clarkson and being miles ahead of every other contestant.


In Danger?
- Jason Yeiger(Meister) for having a poopy diaper and and serial rapist grin.
- Robbie Carrico for trying to be as cool as David Cook.
- Luke Menard for singing well, but still being about as interesting as cardboard.

Top 24 - Gals

Tonight's Idol is the showdown of the females as the top 12 take the live stage for the first time, and I must say, after the disaster that was the majority of the male performances last night, I have high hopes (but low expectations) for the ladies. Let's get right to business.


Kristi Lee Cook- So I remember this girl from her earlier audition because she made a big deal about how she had to sell her horse to get to go to Hollywood or something. I'm like, bitch, you could have made money in other ways to pay your way...or better yet, if you love your horse so much, why didn't you just fucking ride it to the audition. Shut up. I also remember her cuz of her resemblance to Carrie Underwood, aka has blond hair. Anyway...she is singing that "Rescue Me" song that I'm not too fond of and that Amy Adams fucking rocked third season. She has a nice country twang to her voice and sings it decently, but with zero conviction. She jostles her head all around and ineffectively dances and makes terrified "deer-in-headlights" eyes to the camera every now and then. She has literally no inner organs, or at least her overall petite frame seems to suggest. She's wearing really confusing spotted jeans and a hideous gigantic bracelet which seems bigger than Randy's ever-growing collection of watches. Her singing, like I said, isn't bad, but it really doesn't have much "umph" to it. She only really sings four notes the entire time and only KINDA pulls of the belt at the end. You can tell she really wants to just let go and really get into it, but there is a certain level of shy reserve that's put up that really hinders the performance.

Randy makes note of how "crazy" the pressure is to perform in front of the entire world. He then laughs as he says it wasn't her best performance so far. Paula points out that she did a mediocre job, but then basically says that it doesn't matter that it sucked a little, cuz she went first...blah...blah....blah. NO! Don't try to defend her or give her a leg to stand on! It doesn't matter if she went first or last...if she can sing well, it shouldn't matter. Simon questions what is wrong with her, to which a petrified Kristi admits she's been getting over the flu or something that supposedly all the girls have caught (and even weirder, that none of the boys were sick). Simon then reads my mind and gives me what I've been waiting for by calling Kristi a robot, which more or less further establishes her persona as another Carrie Under-BOT.

My Grade: C+


Joanne Borgella- Next is this plus-sized model, that based on her appearance I have every expectation of being and awesome singer. She's gonna be singing that "I Say a Little Prayer For You" song that never ends. And just like nearly every other performance this season, it starts off very strangely without any real organization and it sounds like a mess for the first 10 seconds. I must say that I am quite disappointed. Joanna can not handle the low notes at all and she sounds very unsure of herself. You expect her to sing like the big soul diva she looks to be on the outside, but her voice more resembles that of an anxious 13 year-old white girl who has the supporting role in her middle school's spring musical. Her outfit is kind of cute, ignoring the obnoxious explosion of black ruffles erupting from her chest. And I swear, who ever arranges these songs on Idol needs some serious help, cuz this one volleys back in forth between verses and choruses and it feels all over the place and leaves poor Joanna floundering about in the middle hitting every note but the right one.

Randy says that it was "pretty good" but that she was very unsure of herself, to which Paula piggybacks and says that she needs more confidence. Hate to say it, but I agree and think that she let the nerves get the best of her. Simon is pussyfooting around though...he thought it sucked massively and that it was an "average cabaret performances of a cabaret song" which is basically, performing a bad song badly. Then there is a quick shot the audience where Joanna's terrifying father stares coldly at Simon and looks possessed, ready to throw his Bible at the judge and whoop some serious ass. I'm scared shitless.

My Grade: C


Alaina Whitaker- So unlike Joanna, the second I see this girl not only to I automatically assume that she will be a terrible singer, but I also instantly dislike her. She is the second Carrie Underwood clone tonight, and she looks and sounds JUST LIKE HER. She tells us that her birthday is tomorrow and that she hopes to get the present of not being voted off. NOT CUTE! Shut up! Annoying! Oh and she LOOOOVES shoes! Ug...not funny or endearing. It's weird though, while she talks, she dances between being sugary sweet and a bitch...can't put my finger on which! AG! Let me label you unfairly! Her singing...is actually quite good. She sings some song I've never heard of and aside from sounding a little to much like the Underwood, her performance is pretty flawless. She handles the low notes well and ignoring some unfortunate warbling that happens when she tries to do vocal acrobatics she has a damn good recording voice. She's wearing coasters for earrings and a pancake as a shirt, but it's all good.

Randy says that this is the "year of the young'ns" which I am automatically skeeved out by. Paula said she chose a good "feel-good song". She then gets momentarily inebriated and says: "Your proved that you come out here and you nailed it," which is a conglomeration of two or three separate comments are spliced together. Paula doesn't have time for sentence structure, people! She has a comeback to plan! Simon thought it was really good, even though he hates the song. Randy and Paula then rag on him for hating happiness. He says she is sailing through to the next round...and I agree.

My Grade: B+


Amanda Overmyer- "Skunk girl" as Sam so fittingly puts it, is the rocker of the bunch making Chris Daughtry seem like Britney Spears pre-children/marriage/alcoholism. What I like a bout Amanda is that aside from her hair problems and tendency to look a little like a pig sometimes, she is very very very down to Earth. She greets this competition with this "I'll do what I do, and if it ain't good enough, screw it" attitude which I love. I doubt that if she gets voted off she'll start hysterically bawling about how her life is over like some other contestants in the past. She comes out on stage with pseudo-Amy Winehouse hair. I am not terribly familiar with the song she is singing, but it involves thrashing guitars and scatting which is a little intimidating, if not scary. Her voice is good, but I feel that the song is too up-tempo and too jumbled to really give her a chance to showcase her talent. She does some fun shimming and then belts some kick ass notes near the end and all in all, I love her. I feel that she is genuine and very authentic in her image as a rocker, which is very engaging.

Randy liked it (duh) and wants a pair of the hideous patch-ridden pants she's wearing (ew). Paula loves "everything she does" and then passes out. Simon also loves her and thinks that she is authentic. He then begins to critique her for forgetting the words to which a delightful little spat between Cowell and Skunk Girl begins with her defending it as just being the song and criticizing Simon back for not knowing that. It's fun, it's cute and it's not completely beligerent (JACUZZI!). Simon loves her feisty attitude and so do I.

My Grade: B


Amy Davis- First thing I notice about this girl are the deep dark circles under her eyes. I know some people just have them and it's not their fault, but I still think it's weird and I irrationally dislike it. We are shown a clip of her dad being, as my friend Xtina so nicely puts it, a "nerd festival", wearing a shirt with his daughter's face (and unattractive eye circles) on it. LAME! She starts singing and it's completely off. She is singing "Where the Boys Are"...whatever. You can tell that she is trying to find the right key, because her voice keeps switching and going all over the place until it finally hits the right note and struggles to stay on it. Another astute observation by Xtina is that she looks like one of them old predatory cougar women who go to bars to pick up men, and when they realize no one will go home with them, get drunk and sing karaoke to passed out townies. She hits more off-notes then on-notes and she completely ignores the key change that takes place. She's a mess and it starts to sound less like singing and more like just talking loudly into a microphone. And she knows she's bombing and it's actually kind of hard to watch. At the end, she holds a long note and her face convulses a little and it's freaky.

Randy said it was "not great"...cuz it was bad. He makes a good point and says that she had trouble "scooping" up to the right note, which is dead-on correct. She tried to go from low notes and tie it up to higher notes, but she hit all the wrong notes on the way up and all the notes were sad and then they all committed note-suicide together before being put into a giant mass note grave. Gee...good going Amy Davis. There is a shot to her "nerd festival" father in the audience wearing another lame iron-on shirt with her untalented daughter on it. Paula says that the camera lovers her...aka she's a bad singer. Basically, this means she's this season's Haley Scarnato who can't sing but looks hot in non-pants, so it's ok. Simon said it was boring and cabaret and he doesn't waste anymore breath on her.

My Grade: C-


Brooke White- She's all smiles. She's a sweet girl. Very Earthy. She probably shops at Whole Foods and loves organic farming and her parents probably raise horses or goats or something. With her crinkle blond Ramen hair and her goodie-goodie demeanor she bops about on stage singing "Happy Together". But unlike David Cook from the night before that did a rock remix of that song, Brooke will be doing a much calmer folkier version. Her voice is good and her teeth are huge, but she just seems a little lost on the stage...like she doesn't know what to do with her hands or her body so she just kind of sways back and forth and looks a little uncomfortable.

Randy thought it was a little rough at first, but then "slayed" (!?!) it near the end. Paula thought she picked the perfect song. Simon starts to play devil's advocate tries to lure Brooke out of her cutesy and innocent demeanor. She's not having it though...she's all sunshine and rainbows! Simon thinks she is too blond and too happy...to a sickeningly sweet extent. He says he wants her to start being a drunk skank and she giggles and I throw up.

My Grade: B


Alexandrea Lushington- Aside from having the coolest name ever, this tomboy (lesbian?) from the streets comes out on stage in a wild hip-hop inspired outfit with suspenders, a graphic tee, ugly sneakers and one large peace sign earring. She begins her performance cascading down a staircase pointing at the camera and throwing all sorts of sass around the room. She has an incredibly strong and direct voice that hits the notes spot-on. The first half of the performance is stellar and I am thoroughly impressed. It's nice to have a completely different style of song amongst all the acoustic guitar anthems and snail-slow ballads. She then starts to try and go high, but kind of realizes that it isn't working, and it gets a little messy. GIRL! Stay in your lower register! You are much better there! She starts to dance and shit, but the ending still gets a little fucked when she again tries to hit high notes that she physically can't hit.

Randy thought it was perfect...which is a little over dramatic. Paula was glad that she actually thought about the performance and didn't just go out there and stand around and look awkward like Brooke. Simon actually hated it though. He thought it belonged in a terrible "60's musical" and that the performance had zero relevance to today. I don't agree with that either...she was amazing, but she wasn't awful...wow...for once I actually agree the most with Paula. I don't think this has ever happened before.

My Grade: B


Kady Malloy- So Carrie Underwood clone #3 is the girl that does spot-on Britney Spears impressions. We are shown a clip of her singing that terrible "I'm a Slave 4 U" song and it is scary how good she really is at sounding like the fallen pop star. In her video she is fun and cute, but when the song starts she is seated at the stool of death a misery. "A Groovy Kind Of Love" is what she is singing and unlike her video, she is vapid and boring. Her voice isn't bad, but it is incredibly dull and very old-fashioned. She sounds waaaaaaaaaay too decrepit for someone her age (I think 18?). Her sparkle lipstick is distracting as well. I dunno...I think the problem with tonight is with the talent, since many of the girls are good singers, but their song choices are horrendous. They all are picking these slow-ass songs that don't allow them any way to showcase their vocal talents.

Randy thought it was "just okay" and that she held back a little too much, which I concur with. Paula turns into a bobble-head and starts rambling about how she didn't have fun tonight whatever whatever. Simon said that it was "Night Of the Living Dead" which is hilarious. He then says that she is a way better singer and person when she is pretending to be Britney Spears and that her impressions are more memorable than her actual singing. He claims that she has a personality equivalent to that of a pencil. Ha! The audience gets really quiet and hushed and everyone is all like "Uh..uh...no he didn't!". She looks upset and I don't care cuz her name annoys me. BYE!

My Grade: C+


Asia'h Epperson- I guess this is the season of bizarre-ass names. We are reminded that this poor girl lost her dad three days before her initial audition. It's sad and proves that she is a real trooper which automatically endears me to her. She comes out pulling a "Skunk Girl" and sings Joplin's "Piece of My Heart." She's wearing the rings of Saturn as earrings. It's pretty decent. She tries to give this classic rock song a modern day, pseudo-urban twist that only partially works. She has really great stage presence and no amount of stage fright in her, which is refreshing considering many of the contestants tonight were as shaky as leaves in a hurricane. My only real complaint about the performance is what seems to be Asia'h's inability to say the "H" in "heart". So throughout the entire performance she is saying "Take another little piece of my art," and it's distracting. But she still sings her ass off and ends the song belting and doing some really soulful deep runs that are really impressive. I really like her and I think she'll make it to the top 12, easily.

Randy "loved it" and Paula said that she looked as though she had fun...great comment Paula. Simon makes the bold statement that she is by far his best singer in the competition so far and that he is really glad that she let go.

My Grade: A-


Ramiele Malubay- Once again...WTF is with the name? Whatever. I think this girl is from the islands for some shit...she has an exotic Asian look to her...blah blah...she's kinda pretty but has ugly ass plastered grease hair. I find her to be kind of irritating for a reason I have yet to really understand. Her singing voice is good though and she belts her way through "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me". What's weird is that for being such a small petite girl, she has a loud, strong voice. I feel that her and Joanna should have their voices switched to match their bodies. She pretty much hits every note and run and belt perfectly and is damn near flawless. I felt that the performance was a little too "by the book", being a little too perfect, even featuring the Mariah Carey hand spasms.

Randy thought she had great control and that she did really well. Paula, who I just notice now is wearing a black and white footlocker/BeetleJuice shirt, doesn't really say anything whatsoever. Simon admits that he thought she was an annoying little wench when her first saw her, but now dares to say that she is the best so far tonight. She smiles and looks cute and (damnit!) is actually very endearing! NO! I so wanted to hate this girl, but am I possibly actually starting to like her?!?!? AH! I am so emotionally torn!

My Grade: A-


Syesha Mercado- I remember this girl because of her sassy attitude, kick ass voice and her legs that go on forever and ever. She is singing that "Tobacco Road" song that really forces the singer the dive into their lower range. But is Syesha scared? FUCK NO! She handles the lows perfectly and makes awesome eye contact with the camera and has so much confidence on stage that she looks as if she's been doing this for 30 years. She belts. She runs. She sasses the way you expect her to. What I like most about her is that she isn't just singing the song...she is actually becoming the song, grooving this way and that. She's confident but not cocky and she is the most "real" contestant I have seen so far this competition. Can you guess I like her? She kidnaps, holds hostage and murders the end of the song (in a good way) and personally books 23 plane tickets home for the other contestants.

Randy thought it was "a little pitchy" which is complete bullshit. He liked it though, as did Paula who apparently is so impressed that she is convulsing in her chair and can only muster up enough sanity to spout out an occasional word...what I can decipher, she says "Joyful.....FUN.....BIG!" Simon takes over and said that even though this isn't her best performance so far, she is still one of the most talented singers in the competition and that she was terrific. YAY!

My Grade: A


Carly Smithson- Yeah, yeah, yeah...there's all this controversy about this girl concerning the fact that she used to have a record deal, but no one liked it and it kind of fell through. Who cares? Whatever. She's not rolling in dough and she isn't currently signed to a label, so everyone stop giving this girl such a hard time. Carly is a spunky, yet dignified young lady who owns a tattoo shop (and has a sleeve of ink on her arm to prove it). She is absolutely fabulous in that she has this wild side to her that you expect from someone with all those tattoos, but when she speaks, she is very proper and sweet and approachable. I instantly love her. She is really pretty in her own unique way, with slick black hair, a paler complexion and penetrating eyes. She sings "The Shadow of Your Smile" by Tony Bennett and in all seriousness, she sounds like a professional...partially because she is one, but whatever! I don't know the song at all, but she emotes it in such a way that I really get into it. She does look a little witch-like when she belts and scrunches her eyes and more or less unhinges her jaw, but it doesn't detract from the fact that she is incredible.

Randy thought it was the best vocal from the top 24 so far (good call) and that it was "blazing hot." Paula makes some weird statement that may or may not be in reference to Carly's Irish heritage and says that she's the "lucky coin in the pocket." Simon then completely surprises me when he actually says he "didn't get it" and admits that he was disappointed with her performance due to all the buzz about her. I totally disagree. I feel like with all this press about her, she really needed to come out there and prove to the world that she is deserving of this title, and I think she did just that. So whatever Simon. And even throughout his criticism, Carly remains composed and sweet and humble. LOVE HER! LOVE HER! LOVE HER!

My Grade: A







Safe?
- Asia'h Epperson for doing Joplin proud (sans inability to pronounce "heart") and for having a heart-breaking sob story.
- Syesha Mercado for kicking everyone's ass and still being a sweetheart.
- Carly Smithson for being edgy yet not annoying, sweet yet not phony and for just being a great singer (regardless of what Cowell says).

In Danger?
- Joanna Borgella for not delivering the diva performance we were expecting.
- Amy Davis for not being able to stay in the key of the song.
- Kady Malloy for being boring and not singing like Britney Spears (did I really just say that?).

Top 24 - Guys

So tonight begins the much anticipated voting section of the show...and thank god! I've had about enough of shitty ass attention-seeking freaks and am ready to get to the "good" stuff. During the top 24 up until the top 12, I am going to do brief little recaps about each performance, mainly so I don't spend hours upon hours going into detail about every single performance (it would take me forever!). I'm also going to give each performance a grade based on how well I think they did, to which I will keep track of throughout their runs on the show. This season, as well as allowing contestants the ability to play an instrument on stage, the semi-final rounds are also going to feature inconvenient themes. Tonight's collection comes from the 60's...yay. Ok, I won't waste any more time since there are like a million (aka 12) performances to cover...so here we goooooo.


Dave Hernandez- Starting us off is this tan, long-faced 20-something. First thing I notice? He's wearing some off white shirt that looks stained with splotches of soot. Not a big deal, but it's very distracting. Whatever...his singing? He is actually pretty good. He sings some song I've never heard of that repeats "Midnight Hour" so I will assume that's the title. The song begins strong and he more or less delivers a decent performance all the way through, however, he does kinda get terribly off key near the end which fucks up his ending power notes. But ignoring this and the fact that he never once lifted his feet off the stage and stayed completely planted in one spot like some sort of child stricken with stage fright, he started the night off rather well.

Randy agrees with me and thinks that he got the show off to a bang. Paula warbles about how great his vibrato and falsetto are and Simon caps it all off with a shrounded compliment, basically stating that he is surprised that Dave didn't completely bomb. To this Dave gives a nervous and incredibly goofy smile. And like I mentioned, Simon also says that he needs to loosen up and not look so rigid while on stage.

My Grade: B


Chikezie- Ok...so our soulful Ruben wannabe this season comes in the form of this slightly cocky and slightly mediocre singer. He's pulling a Mandisa, referring to himself solely by his confusing first name. Whatever...he comes out wearing quite possible the ugliest suit in the history of the world. Not only is it completely red, but it looks kind of faded and even a little dusty. It's a huge mess and his singing doesn't ease the pain. The song begins completely outta pitch and the only time he really seems to get a handle on his voice is when he gets loud and belts. The verses though, they sound karaoke.

Randy and his gigantic watch refuse to hate on the only brother in the top 24 just yet, so he lies and says that it wasn't terrible. Paula stumbles over her words like a drunken floozy and makes awkward comments about how he used to be really fat and how now he's only regular fat. She then reminds the audience that Chikezie "is here", whatever that means. Simon pulls a deliberate (and awesome) dick move and calls his "Jacuzzi" which I will now refer to him as for as long as he plagues this show with his girth and boring voice. Simon then calls out Jacuzzi on his hideous shirt and says that the vocals were bad. The audience gives a delayed boo followed by Jacuzzi doing the number one thing you NEVER do on American Idol, which is get beligerent and rude to the judges. Sure, LaKisha and J-Hud and even Sanjaya have fired sassy comments back at Simon, but they have always done so with a certain level of humor and unoffensiveness. Jacuzzi though? He throws a Brittenum Brothers tantrum and starts blathering about Simon's choice of clothes and then gets all smart-assy and rolls his eyes in Simon's direction and I instantly hate him. Like, just deal with the criticism...even if you don't agree, don't become all self-righteous cuz even if you are right, you come across like a prick. Bad Jacuzzi, bad.

My Grade: C


David Cook- He'll be singing that "Happy Together" song that always makes me feel like I'm high. The song begins and is really fucked up. It seems as though he is off the beat or isn't singing the right words...I dunno if he is messing up the lyrics or if the beat of the song isn't right, but it is kind of a mess at first. It starts to get better though and fitting in conjunction with his dyed punky hair, he turns the general peppy and light pop ditty into a modern alternative rock song. He isn't terrible and the few times that he belts without screaming he actually sounds decent. However, David and his terrifiying jowels are locked into some pyschopathic rapist stare that seriously made my friends and I cringe. He then twirls the mic stand around near the end of the song and I fear for the lives of those sitting closest to the stage. But no one gets decapitated or sexually assaulted and the judges weigh in.

Randy thought it was made strange dawg while Paula starts to comment but then gets "wordy" and "worthy" confused with one another and blathers about something or other. In all honesty, it made no sense. Simon claims that even though he shouted his way through it, David did a more or less good job. He "almost" had it is basically what Simon said which is such a cruel comment...like you were so close to doing a good job, but whoops! you didn't!

My Grade: B-


Jason Yeager(meister)- This guy is quite strange looking with a weird tuft of pale hair sticking out like alfalfa from the front of his bangs and a neck that is as thick and wide as his head. He is the first one so far to take a chance and sing a slow song on the dreaded stool. Here is a tip...after watching four seasons on Idol, I have come to the conclusion that nine times out of ten, if you are seated on a stool while you prefer, you will do terribly. Just stand up you lazy oaf! Yeagerbomb sings some stupid slow song and it is really boring. Actually, for most of his performance it was hard to even tell if he was singing along with the background musicians because the song was so poorly arranged. What is even worse is that he is completely unaware that he is bombing and throughout his performance he smirks like a douche to the audience and tries to act all smooth and intriguing, but he just comes across like a delusion fool that thinks he's way better than he actually is. I looked at my friends when it was finished and asked "What that a song?" I still do not know.

Randy must have been eating a sandwich during the performance cuz he thinks it was "pretty good". He points out that he was pitchy in some spots (which I take to mean the ENTIRE SONG) but commends him for taking on such a difficult classic. Paula blurts out the stupid and uninteresting fact that whatever this song was he sang was the first backing track she ever danced to at a recital. Wow! Memories! Shut up. Simon then comes like a beacon of beautiful destruction and craps on both Jason's dreams and the hopes for his son who is seated in the audience. He calls him old-sounding and that it was a cruiseship performance (I LOVE that one!). He then calls him an old dog (which I take means he shoul be euthenized). Jason smiles like a goon some more and I take a bathroom break to vommit my lungs out.

My Grade: C-


Robbie Carrico- One of the many rocker clones this season, Carrico has come well equipped with a red bandana around his long tangled hair and 5 day old facial hair to take the audience by storm. Ok...well maybe not by storm...maybe more like a light breeze. His rendition of "One is the Lonliest Number" began like many other performances from tonight, with jumbling lyrics and a shaky start. He sings the joint alright but seems incredibly reserved and timid throughout, which is odd considering his very expressive get-up.

Randy thought it was a "nice one" which comes as a shock to me...I thought this semi-decent, semi-mediocre performance would be the ideal fit for Randy's disapproving sigh that so often accompanies the stroking of his bald head. Paula thought it was the perfect song for Robbie, which I agree with. Simon thought it was the only performance thus far that really connected and made any sense, but he questions his authenticity as a rock singer. Kind of tying in my point from earlier, he showed a certain level of discomfort while up on stage...if he gets his act together and really lets himself go, he could be one of the better performers this season.

My Grade: B-


David Archuleta- So I am faced with a dilemma when it comes to Mr. Archuleta. I want to find him incredibly irritating and annoying, but the kid has a pretty damn good voice. Aside from looking like he is 12 years old, he has a surprisingly mature voice that isn't a) too old-fashioned, like John Stevens, b) too nervous, like Kevin Covais or c) bad, like Sanjaya "Papaya" Malakar. When he sings he has a very well-rounded demeanor to his voice that really flows well along his song for tonight, "Shop Around." And even though he kind of looks and sounds like a muppet sometimes when he talks, he delivers a decent performance. Damn! I was so ready to rip this kid apart, but I dare to say he seems like a shoe-in already for the top 12. He has a few problems when he gets into his lower register and he stutters a tad during the last long note, but more or less...he's refreshingly awesome.

Randy says he's a big fan and comments on the maturity in his voice. Paula says that she forgets how old he is to which I say, "JUST LOOK AT HIM!" He looks like an infant. Simon says that it was the best so far tonight and I concure. Just be careful Archuleta, cuz I have my eyes on you, and the second you mess up all my irrational hatred is bound to come rushing to the surface!

My Grade: B+


Danny "Miley Cyrus" Noriega- So an astute observation done by my friend Sam has brought to my attention the fact that this impish little queen has a face that's shockingly similar to that of preteen goddess Hannah "Miley Ray" Montana. Now that I am completely disturbed by his looks, the fact that he sings an Elvis song terribly and is wearing the tightest jeans in the history of denim, I lose all sense of reality and curl into a fetal ball and cry. His crotch more or less smack the camera in the face as he shimmies his way down the stripper stairs and eye fucks the audience. Occasionaly swishing his exaggerated bangs to the side, Miley gays himself all over the stage with a lot of unneccesary cockiness. And although his speaking voice is probably the most flamboyantly upsetting thing in the entire world, shaming me as a gay male, his singing voice is actually much more masculine. But that doesn't mean it's any good. It's definitely not up to par with his first audition or how he sounded in Hollywood week. After thoroughly skeeving out a good majority of the home viewers with his swiveling hips and terrifying snarls, the song ends.

Randy says that he always knows how to have a good time, to which he responds "I always bring the house down," to which I respond "Shut up you annoying defamation against homosexuality." Then Randy says that the vocals were fucked from the first note and that he was only "kinda hot," to which Danny looks pleased cuz any sort of compliment he can get, he should take, cuz based on Simon's disgusted look, you know he's gonna tear this kid a new one...but wait! We can't skip Paula who makes an oddly erotic comment about how not only was the performance "warm" but it was almost "scalding" to which my friends and I look at each other in confused silence pondering whether this makes sense or if this is just a drug-induced spatter of words that somehow formulated a sentence in Paula's mind and slipped their way out of her gaping yapper. We choose the latter, obviously. She then starts talking about colors or something and the camera quickly pans to Cowell. Simon then calls the performance "grotesque" and says that he "destroyed" are both very accurate statements I agree with. I love Simon...he fucking tells it like it is and doesn't pitter patter through the bullshit the other two seem to do. Paula then starts to talk again and Simon insults her and she gets all riled up and Randy comes to the rescue and Ryan gives Miley's number and no one calls it.

My Grade: C-


Luke Menard- So now comes the stud of the bunch...at least in my opinion. Luke, with his sweet eyes, perfect teeth and chiseled jawline, works his way on stage and slowly melts my heart. He is a nice guy, if kind of quiet. He's wearing an incredibly unflattering outfit consisting of a dusty red Christmas sweater, unfitted jeans and a homeless man's jacket. He sings that "Everybody's Talkin'" song that I think was in "Forrest Gump." Sadly though, his delicious physical appearance is far stellar then his voice, which is weak, a little whiney and as boring as a bitch. He sings way too quietly and I question why so many contestants opted for slower songs over up-tempo ones. At least if you're dancing around and getting the audience excited you'll be remembered, but when you kinda blow on top of just standing and staring mournfully into the camera, you are destined for disaster. Near the end, Luke tries to do some falsetto, but he doesn't pull it off and it ends up just being uncomfortable and awkward.

Randy said it was mad pitchy and sharp. I actually understand AND agree with Paula when she criticizes his song choice before calling him "tender". Simon makes fun of Paula and then calls Luke forgettable. But does Luke think he is forgettable? Of course not and after Ryan coercies him to defend his lackluster performance, he basically says that he doesn't agree with the judges at all. Oh Luke...shut your mouth...don't talk...don't sing...just look pretty.

My Grade: C


Colton "Albino Child" Berry- This forest nymph with sunken Caulkin eyes his quiet terrifying to look at. When he smiles, his mouth encompasses most of the camera shot. He's a creepy one and he will be singing that "Suspicious Minds" song that Chris Daughtry nailed two seasons ago. He convulses on stage a little bit and tries to get into it. It isn't bad...his voice is gentle but when he belts he actually is pretty decent. During the last section of the song, though, his voice switches to an octive higher and it is weird if not a little confusing.

Randy thought it was just "aight" which means he hated it. Paula didn't think it was his best, which means she hated it. Simon said he got NOTHING out of it and could never see him recording an album. He then makes an absolutely awesome comment that not only pertains to Colton, but also (presumaly) to both David Cook and Miley Cyrus when he says that the contestants need to pay more attention to their vocals and less to their hair. Ha! Simon is totally looking to crush any potential Sanjayas this season before the top 12 is picked...and thank goodness!

My Grade: C+


Garrett Haley- Now here's some kid that I never once have seen before. He has long dirrty hair and a very disconcertingly high-toned voice. He also has some bizarre ass accent that I really can't put my finger on. He sings the cheezball of all songs, "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" and stairs gazingly into the camera like David Cassiday trying to woo the hearts of an audience who is immediately turned off by his sickly appearance. Like many of the other guys tonight, he isn't a bad singer, but he is just boring...this performance is exactly like four or five others tonight that just reeked on blandness and lacked any real originality. He does some pseudo-impressive belting towards the end, but it's really not enough to make him distinct from the rest of the crowd.

Randy thought he didn't do anything really unique to the song. Paula thought it was coma-inducing. Simon calls him out on having a naturally whiney and unappealing voice and for looking terrified. He then says he looks like some sort of sun-deprived shut-in lunatic which would be hilarious if poor Garret didn't already look so defeated. Thankfully, he doesn't get beligerent like some of the other performers tonight, and he humbly takes the criticism and even jokes with Simon about his intentions of going to a tanning bed...AW! Though his performance had the flavor of a piece of tofu, his personality does come out a little bit and makes him, at least in my opinion, more likable than some of the other contestants.

My Grade: C-


Jason "Different Hair" Castro- So I guess his dreads make him unique or look rastafarian and hip, but in all honesty, I think he has a very piercing gaze and a really great face...it's a shame he's got his hair all knotted up. Jason is a cute and extremely mellooow individual who will be the only contestant tonight to take a chance and play an instrument. With his guitar in tow, Mr. Castron will be singing that "What a Day for a Daydream" song and it fits well with his freewheelin' hairstyle. And although he took a risk at coming off sounding way to "earthy" and old-fashioned, he has a nice contemporary folk sound to his voice that I really enjoy. He belts well and has a really sweet falsetto and he just seems to really get into the song itself which is much more than I can say for the majority of performances seen tonight. Ignoring the dotted girl's blouse he has on, I would say that he could very well have one of the best performances on the night and could very well be guaranteed a spot into the top twelve with his genuine and likable personality.

Randy liked it and thought that even though it was "pitchy" it was still "aight." Shut up Randy! Paula is blazed outta her mind and mumbles something about perfect song choice. She then says something about how she loves colors and it is just a mess and makes zero sense. Simon thought that Jason, along with Archuleta, had the best performance of the night. I think I might have a potential canidate for my "Idol Obsession of the Season." Falling the footsteps of Jennifer Hudson, Elliott Yamin and LaKisha Jones, could Mr. Dreads be the next? Maybe!

My Grade: A-


Michael Johns- Finishing us out tonight is the Austrailian born Georgian heartthrob. With looks to melt girls' hearts, Michael steps out on stage to sing the fittingly provocative "Light My Fire" by the Doors and it is hot and steamy. What is really impressive about John, aside from his stellar good looks and him actually having a soul, is his great control over his lower register. Many contestants are great at belting, but when it comes to singing in the lower half of their voice, they falter. Even the adorably addictive Archuleta gets a little shaky when trying to hit those lower notes. Michael though? He has absolute great control on that area of his range and it really shines in this performance. He interacts well the audience and the camera absolutely loves him, so he ends tonight's show on an impressive high note.

Randy thought that it was "real" which means he loved it. Paula stares dreamily at him and drools. Simon thinks that he has been the most consistent contestant so far delivering stellar performances tonight, during Hollywood week and at his initial audition. He compliments him on his natural charm and praises his personality.

My Grade: A-



Safe?
- David Archuleta for playing the cutesy baby card just enough to be appealing but not too much to be irritating.
- Jason Castro for taking a chance and delivering a solid performance with his guitar.
- Michael Johns for being the whole package, goodlooking, a great singer and a decent showman.


In Danger?
- Jason Yeager(Meister) for sitting on a stool and not singing a real song.
- Luke Menard for -- even though being smokin' hot -- being boring and unenthusiastic.
- Garrett Haley for being some sort of vampire and not having an ounce of life in him.



tomorrow night it's the ladies!!!