So we're in South Carolina for the next two days of audition...Charleston to be exact. Ryan is looking beautiful and tells us that it is the friendliest city in the world, or something. Yeah, until Simon comes and craps all over everyone's dreams. There is a clip of a bunch of uglies gawking like fools at a camera and shouting about American Idol and southern hospitality or some shit. I love when the producers take the like the arena sized mob of wannabes and tells them to, in unison, to shout some vaguely generalized and prejudice statement having to do with the city that they are in. And everyone is a TV slut and everyone plays along. Then everyone starts singing "Let's Get It Started" which is probably one of the most non-singing songs ever. Let's just begin already.
Through to Hollywood
Michelle & Jeffrey Lampkin- So these two plus-sized contestants are shown before their audition dancing, and snapping their fingers in Ryan Seacrest's face and getting all rowdy and shit. Michelle is wearing a cute top and some nice beads, but the real captivator is Jeffrey with his sparkle-tastic black shirt and the shirt tie wrapped around his head like that is some sort of alternative style and not just idiotic-looking. Anyway, they bound their way into the audition room and Michelle more or less is quiet for most the time while her little (in age, NOT in size) brother rambles on with the judges about his cloths and how excited/gay he is and then he screams and it's kinda repelling at first. They then do a duet together of some song I don't know, but it involves a lot of distant staring and looking up at Jesus/God/the ceiling, so I take it as something religious. And you know what, they are both pretty good. It's a little difficult to hear Michelle over Jeffrey, but they have good chemistry together. Jeffrey's slightly irritating talking/screaming voice is instantly gone when he sings and he in truth has quite a nice tone. Simon thinks they are funny and loves them. Paula says they are "special" which means that she blacked out during the performance and doesn't have an inkling of what happened. Randy calls them "da bomb" but then proceeds to only let say Yes to Jeffrey and not Michelle. It is crushing cuz then Simon also says that he is much better than her...ha, blatantly mean. But whatever, Paula and Simon say yes to both and they scream and dance and stampede out of the room and attack some woman who nearly falls over. A little much, yes, I but I enjoy them quite a bit and I'm glad they went through.
Amy Katherine Flynn- I instantly think that this girl is Leah Labelle (my least favorite contestant of all time!) from third season and I seethe and my lip curls out of pure anger. In her video biography we are told that she is the head of her sparkle-shaking dance team and we see a bunch of stick-thin girls jumping and splitting all over the place in garish golden outfits that momentarily blind me. We also learn that she is the head of some absinence club in her school. I feel bad, cuz I'm sure she gets lots of shit for this everyday. When she tells the judges, they all bust out laughing and begin asking her questions about this anti-sex-no-friend-club and they pretend to be fakely interested while she goes on and on with some pre-prepared speech about waiting till marriage or something. Whatever. They all humor her and listen to the dumb speech, while I laugh at how ratty her hair is. She then starts singing that Christina Aguilera song from "Mulan" and I roll my eyes cuz I really don't like it and I hate it even more when every teenage girl on Idol tries to sing it. She's ok, but way way WAY to feeble. It's boring and she tries to go all high, but it all just sounds so weak and irritating like a dog whimpering. Simon flat out calls her an annoying goodie-goodie to which she disagrees and Simon mocks her by imitating her sickly speaking voice. Paula likes her "pureness", aka her virginity and I don't care what Randy says. However, even though Simon thinks that the world will hate her, he puts her through, basically in a desire to see her terribly corrupted during Hollywood week. As she is leaving, Simon makes some weird comments about staying away from Seacrest cuz he's a dirty pervert or something.
London Weinberg- So this pretty, tall blond-headed beauty is immediately coupled with a terrible story about her dad dying. We see a picture of her with him and it's heartbreaking. We are shown her with her cute and thin mother who she walks on beaches with and then we see her smoking hot fiancé and I'm in love. She comes into the audition room and Simon flirts with her over how awesome her name is...shut up England! She will be singing some Billie Holliday song and it's good if just a little to tweeny and wistful at some points. Randy kinda likes it and then they skip over Paula (ha!) and Simon says she isn't special...but since her dad's dead and her family is attractive, she's through. YAY!
Stupid Losers
Ray Henderson- oh wait...I'm sorry, Rashad. So this semi-flamboyant afro-headed contestant says that he is unemployed and proud of it! It's a good thing too, cuz he is definitely not getting a job in the music industry. He's wearing a flattened disco ball as a shirt and gushes about loving Clay Aiken. Uh huh. He then gets down on his knees (which I'm sure he is used to) and sings "Can't Make You Love Me" and belts and outstretches his arms and is annoying. Simon says that Rashad reminds him of Clay...aka, that he's gay. The judges then say he was over the top and Randy says that he needs to find himself...whatever that means. Then Simon pulls out some of his favorite life-ruining criticisms and calls the performance very "cabaret" and like a "cruise ship performance". Ouch!
DeAnna Prevatte- Oh no...another beast rises from the cursed land of Albamarle! Yes, the hellhole of the world that spawned Kellie Pickler makes a reappearance this season with DeAnna. Ok, so we are given a shot of Pick-Pickler being retarded during 5th season with DeAnna saying how she is basically deaf cuz she likes her song. The one about red heels or something. Not only does she love it, but she feels compelled to quite basically the entire song and it's weird and makes you seem less like a serious contestant and more like a desperate wannabe. So she walks in with the strap of her shirt of her shoulder. She looks like a disgruntled Britney Spears which is never a good thing. The judges ask her about her job as a waitress to which she begins bitching about customers and then starts cursing and it's weird and she can pretty much say goodbye to her job in the food industry now. She then sings some song no one has ever heard of and starts yelling and getting on her knees like some sort of possessed Emily Rose or something. Now both straps of her shirt fall and it is really terrifying to imagine what could happen next. Simon puts an end to the torture and pronounces her name wrong, to which DeAnna snaps at him about it and about how she capitalizes the "A" in her name for some reason. Whatever, she's kind of a bitch and not in the good way. Although she was terrible, Simon says that he liked how she got on her knees (perv!). She then gives the judges a death stare and it's quite terrifying.
Randy Stark & Crystal Ortiz- Quite possible two of my favorite names of all time, this duo is anything but glamorous. They actually screaming anti-American Idol with their oversized clothes and terribly poise and plan old uber-dorkiness. They are in love or whatever and met on the American Idol forum...ug, shut up NOT ME! They met in person by a trashcan (?) and then there are like 5 really uncomfortable closeups of them sucking face and it's nasty. Like any other couple this season, both are allowed to audition at the same time. They are doing a duet ("She Is More") and the homeless looking male dork begins and has vibrato that could kill. The pasty Latina dork then joins in and just further complicates things and they stare at each other and eye fuck and it's really really gross. Simon says they suck a lot and Randy pulls out one of those dumbass comments, "No on the voice, Yes on the love" kinda shit and it's annoying. Just shit on their dreams! They then tell the guy that he has no right to be on THEIR message boards telling anyone about anything in regards to Idol, considering that he is a terribly singer. Good! No one else is allowed to write on Idol other than me!
Lyndsey Goodman- Ug, we always have one of these each season it seems. She's the token "girl in the airforce/marines/armed services" who wants to show the world that she does have a softer side. Lame. She's kinda weird looking...too unappealing to get a job where she isn't wearing army jumpers or some kind of gas mask. We're shown a video of an air hangar where Lyndsey walks around talking about planes like anyone watching this show really gives a shit. She enters the audition room and mugs up the pilot bullshit some more before singing "Black Velvet" (GERI!!!!). She actually has a nice deep tone and it is pretty good in my opinion. However, she has a bitchy face and Paula sees nerves that aren't actually there. Then I think back to third season with Camille Velasco and how that girl was shaking in her boots even when she got into the top 12, so since when has nerves stopped the judges from letting someone through in the past? Simon says it's cabaret...blah blah. She leaves a rejected loser. Go fly a plane.
Aretha Caden- So they have been clipping this girl all episode before the commercial breaks but without any sort of inclination of whether she is gonna be really good or really bad. Turns out she's kind of a mix. So I think she says that she is named after Aretha Franklin (ug). She has short greased-down hair that is plastered to her head. She has deoderent pits and is wearing a huge sky-blue blanket around her like it's a dress. Two basketballs seem to be stuffed in her top where breasts are supposed to be. She has an obnoxiously large silver belt on, with that ugly facial piercing between the lips and the chin as well as emo glasses. Basically, she's like 5 different styles rolled into one and it's bizarre. After some egging by the judges she says that she is better than any other Idol before, to which I say "oh yeah, let's see you sing 'Natural Woman' better than Kelly Clarkson did." What is she singing for her audition, well of course "I Have Nothing"...UG! With what will be the first of probably 20 versions of this song to be performed this season, she begins. She's ok...yells a little bit and at some points is actually quite powerful and moving. Near the end of it though she really gets outta key and it kinda crashes and burns. Simon immediately goes for the drama and says it is terrible and that she is a murderer of vocal performance. She argues and I can understand why, because unlike other people who have been thrown this comment, she actually wasn't that bad. There were some parts that were pretty good actually. I think Simon is just in a bitchy mood or something. Randy laughs at her and Paula actually makes coherent sense by mentioning her inability to stay in the right key. Aretha gets mad pissed and leaves. hm... Considering that they let that mediocre sparkle-shaking dancer in earlier, I'm really shocked they didn't immediately jump all over Aretha for being above average. Hm...
Joshua Bosson- First off...stop having my name. Secondly, don't sing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" cuz dude, guys should not be allowed to sing that song. And thirdly, don't ever wear red pants. This chunkster convulsed all over the place trying to be like Jennifer Hudson in "Dreamgirls" and it's just weird and he tries to belt but it sounds like he is being murdered. He does the "and you, and you, and you" thing where he points to each of the judges in conjunction with the lyrics of the song. This is really embarrassing. Like, Aretha might have been out of tune, but she still had a nice tone. This guy, nah...he's a lost cause. All of the judges are speechless and as soon as Simon says he's no good (the truth), Joshua starts going off on how he knew he wasn't going to get picked cuz Idol is rigged. Wah...Wah...Wah...Shut up. Simon then fans the fire by calling him "deluded" which I love. He storms out of the room even though Paula begins to do damage control and compliment his personality or something. As soon as he leaves he lets loose on how awful Simon is and claims that Simon said that everyone in South Carolina sucks (completely not true). He's throwing a tantrum and needs to have his diapper changed. When are people gonna realize that acting like a completely beligerent prick on television will NOT make you look good?
Oliver Highman- So we are also shown clips of this guy throughout the show and his pregnant wife and her breaking water and them getting lost on the way to the hospital. He's this season's Phil Stacey, though he isn't making to Hollywood. He has a nice voice, if just a little too much vibrato. Simon says it's corny and Randy hates it. He gets a NO, but then brings in his beautiful wife and the most perfect baby I've ever seen and the judges go ape shit. Simon basically says that he believes it is his kid and the look in his eyes hints that he will try to steal this kid if it is left unattended for even a second. Oliver is a really nice guy and I won't hate on him, cuz he's kid is cute and he wasn't as terrible as all the others we've seen in Charleston.
Well, that's it for this week. Next week brings the conclusion of the lame auditions and starts Hollywood week, thank GOD.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
San Diego Audition
So the next audition city is San Diego and the show opens with a clip of two old fucks in fisherman hates followed by a shot of a whale, a golf course and a surfer, all of which are apparently abundant. Now, before I begin, I am going to rework how I structure this review...instead of dividing each audition up into the Good, Bad and Fucking Mental, I will just categorize each contestant on whether they got through or not. I am doing this mainly because I have found that there are some cases where I REALLY don't agree with the decisions that the judges make, largely because Paula is a deaf space-cadet. Ok...here we go.
Through to Hollywood
Tatyana Ostapawyeh- Sassy little darlin' in a red ensemble. She's got some 'tude, but is pretty awesome singing "Someone To Watch Over Me". Kinda raspy tone but is a blond pop-princess on the outside...like Mikalah Gordan meets Carrie Underwood meets a huge nose. Simon thinks she is a pretentious bitch and I kinda know what he's getting at. He throws the "you're not as good as you think you are" line at her, which has become his new favorite saying this season. Randy and Paula laugh like hyenas and send her through. She then goes jogging with Ryan (???).
Harry Cataldo- Finally, for once we have a single-FATHER as opposed to the millions upon millions of single-mothers that we are inundated with each season. Harry is a nice caring father with a son that looks just like him. He gives a very vague and unsettling description of his wife's death and then there are like 20 shots of he and his son smiling and flashing the blinging ice around their necks. He sings that played-out "I'll Make Love To You" joint that everyone thinks is so hot but is actually more of a turn-off than anything else. I think he's boring and has crazy vibrato. Paula is drunk and wants him in the worst way possible. The judges are totally digging the fact that his wife is dead though, so they let him through.
Samantha Musso- So basically in the intro-segment this chick and her sister like gush about how hot they think Simon is and like, they are kinda terrifying. Usually when there are contestants that are this wild and happy and bubbly, they get turned away...if you want on, tell a depressing story about being in a car accident or having so weird disease, nine times out of ten, it will work. But anyway, I totally pegged this girl to suck terribly based solely on her annoying enthusiasm to meet Simon. Once in the audition room, bitch is all like "oh my gaaaaaaawd! I have a note for you from my sister" and before Simon can even read it, the girl's sister barges into the room and like creams all up inside her pants. Simon is totally expecting this girl to be a terrible singer, because he asks her sister if she wants to judge with them, aka trying to force the girl to say her sister is a god-awful mess of a singer. But after she snuggles up to Simon in his chair, Samantha sings ("Until You Come Back to Me"!!!) and is pretty good. She has a great tone and a semi-edgy look to her, without becoming obnoxious and annoying. It's cute cuz Simon asks her sister what she thinks, and she pretends to criticize. The judges like her and then the two sisters tag-team Simon and blatantly blow off a hug from Ryan when they leave the audition room. Ha!
David Achulato- Alright, back to the sob-stories. This 16-year old pseudo-Zac Efron wannabe cuz like a soar throat once that paralyzed his vocals chords or something and like doctors said he could never speak again, but ALAS! he proved them wrong and is now a good singer that wants to prove himself or some sappy shit like that. He's kinda nervous and is cute with his spiky hair and the deer-in-headlights look in his eyes. He has a rough-tone to his voice and sings that "We Are The World" wannabe "Waiting on the World to Change". He fucks up the lyrics a little but is still decent. Randy looks completely uninterested until the chorus comes in, where he starts to sing backup and it's annoying. Aside from his eye-rolling back-story, he's a nice kid with a good voice, and I'm happy he goes through.
Carly Simson- Could very well be this seasons "rocker!!!" with her tattooed arm, and really hot husband who sadly has the ink drawings all over his beautiful face. She's from England or Ireland or somewhere...and has that weird Leprechaun accent...like not just Irish, but fucking pot-of-gold-Irish. We are informed that she auditioned for the 5th season and made it to Hollywood, but was ultimately disqualified cuz her Visa didn't get accepted in time. It's a sad but not over-the-top kinda back-story that makes me like her. She sings "I'm Every Woman (the Non-Mandisa remix)" and is 'aight. She's a little off in pitch and messes way too much with the arrangement of the song and warbles too much, but hey, whatever...she's still a lot better than basically everyone that made the top 12 last season. Simon says she wasn't as good as she was during season 5, which I don't buy cuz even if it is true, how the fuck does Simon remember her from two years ago after only seeing her once? It's BS, but Randy says that she "can blow" which I guess is a good thing. She's in.
Rejected Losers
Valerie Rays- She like totally loves Mariah! Oh fuck, this isn't a good sign already. There hasn't been a single good audition where the contestant has mentioned Mariah Carey, and not bombed terribly in a fit of fiery anger or disbelief. And this audition doesn't break that chain. After claiming that strangers on the street confuse this round-faced, button-eyed, bowling ball headed chunkster with Mariah Carey, Ryan does some intense investigative journalism and uncovers the fact that Ms. Rays LOVES to laugh at the lame-ass douches that embarrass themselves on television, that she will oh so shortly find herself becoming one of. She starts singing and is trying to do the whole "whistle-register" high note screeching that Mariah has patented but just warbles between really high to really low. Simon compares her to a melted CD, and she pretends to know what he means. Whatever Paula says doesn't matter and Randy goes deaf for a second and claims that she has a nice tone. Shut up. She gets the boot though and then nearly heaves all over the audition room with the realization that she is now one of the terrifyingly awful dumbass rejects that she so mercilessly ridiculed. Karma's a bitch, bitch.
Monique Gibson & Christopher Baker- So this is the duo from hell. Monqiue is a large, sass-pot that's overflowing with unattractive attitude while Christopher seems to be her flamboyantly psychotic, anorexic counterpart. Monique goes first and even before she sings, Simon tells her that she is an utter mess with her attire and says that at least three separate people must have dressed you, to which she replies that, no, she dressed herself. Uh huh...making yourself look real good already, dumbass. She will be singing "I Believe In Miracles" aka, the wrong song titled version of "I Believe In You and Me"...side note: I really don't get these people that go into the audition room and either a) don't know the name of their song, b) don't know the words to their song or c) don't know the melody of their song...like, wouldn't you be practicing for like days upon days in advance, just to make sure that the song you're singing to the judges will fit your voice well? Seriously? Oh god I really don't get people. Anyway, she sucks and goes from yelling to whining then back to yelling then to just fucking annoying. The judges tell her she is god-awful, but she is one of those stubborn, belligerent ones that think arguing with the judges will make them suddenly like you or make you suddenly not have the voice of a convulsing epileptic cow. She then cries about her struggle to get here, but I'm all like "bitch, we didn't see no long and overly explanatory video segment prior to your audition, so keep your problems to yourself". Then comes in Christopher who is a malnourished queen who cocks his head out while overtly emphasizing every single syllable. He also starts yelling...oh! Yeah, he's singing that annoying ass "I Believe the Children Are Our Future" which is probably the most disturbing song ever. Simon says that not a note was in tune to which he responds with warble after warble after exhaustive warble. When the judges tell him to shut up he starts throwing a tantrum to which he is escorted outside. Then the powers of suck are combined when Monique and Christopher begin free-styling and screaming about how great they are before singing the ABC's and storming out like they had any dignity in the first place. Yeah, in their dreams.
Blake Boshano- Ok, so this dude has hideous teeth. He also dressed up as the Statue of Liberty season 5 and was (duh) rejected by the judges. Ug...KOOKY COSTUMES NEVER WORK! IDIOTS! We see his mom and she seems cute but then starts talking about how it is her dream to see her son on American Idol and she's a little bizarre. Basically stating that the entire point of her existence is to see her son sing the mediocre hell out of Stevie Wonder songs, she terrifies me. We are reminded that Simon called Blake an "Idiot" during the season 5 audition. But what is really strange is the fact that this kid has a decent voice. It's a little gentle...aka sickly, but it isn't bad. The judges aren't feeling it though and they all say "no". He tells his family and his mother's world shatters to pieces around her, while Blake hugs some gorgeous dude who appears out of nowhere.
Alberto Hurtado- Fat hippie. We are shown a drug-induced montage of clips of this creep smelling flowers and being fat and stroking his nasty ass hair with his two-inch long fingernails and twirling a Barbie doll. He says that he gets inspiration from his imagination, which doesn't really make sense, considering that your imagination is actually the think that tends to spark inspiration, but I won't quibble anymore over such an idiotic statement. He admits that he lives inside his imagination (strange)...maybe a little TOO MUCH (dangerous sociopath!). He's wearing some shirt with an eagle on it and has bangles all over his pants like some sort of belly dancer (which I shiver to think of), and is wafting his (probable) B.O. all over the place with this huge ass wooden fan that has some statement about him being the American Idol scribbled on it. Uh...huh, this guy really has a chance. He greets the judges and Simon is already through with this kid and his dirty soft-spoken pervert voice. Alberto will be singing his own composition...shocker. It's called "Live" and sounds made-up right from the get-go. He fluffs his hair and scares the judges and Simon says that it is a depressing piece of shit song, to which the flower child disagrees and tries to sing more. Simon isn't buying it though and interrupts and tries to relate to the earthiness of this nut by saying the song is like "a storm cloud". Then Alberto claims to have a depressing life (oh really?) and leaves the audition room and more or less dies in his mother's arms. Then some crazy woman starts blathering about special the kid is at everything before the terrifying beast takes the last walk of the Navajo on the Trail of Tears out of the building...which then turns into a running sprint suddenly.
Well, that was San Diego for ya...Some good, some bad...I'm disappointed though, cuz aside from Pia from one of last week's auditions, I haven't really seen anyone that I think has any sort of spunk or uniqueness to them. Tomorrow I'll write on my hilarious findings in South Carolina.
Through to Hollywood
Tatyana Ostapawyeh- Sassy little darlin' in a red ensemble. She's got some 'tude, but is pretty awesome singing "Someone To Watch Over Me". Kinda raspy tone but is a blond pop-princess on the outside...like Mikalah Gordan meets Carrie Underwood meets a huge nose. Simon thinks she is a pretentious bitch and I kinda know what he's getting at. He throws the "you're not as good as you think you are" line at her, which has become his new favorite saying this season. Randy and Paula laugh like hyenas and send her through. She then goes jogging with Ryan (???).
Harry Cataldo- Finally, for once we have a single-FATHER as opposed to the millions upon millions of single-mothers that we are inundated with each season. Harry is a nice caring father with a son that looks just like him. He gives a very vague and unsettling description of his wife's death and then there are like 20 shots of he and his son smiling and flashing the blinging ice around their necks. He sings that played-out "I'll Make Love To You" joint that everyone thinks is so hot but is actually more of a turn-off than anything else. I think he's boring and has crazy vibrato. Paula is drunk and wants him in the worst way possible. The judges are totally digging the fact that his wife is dead though, so they let him through.
Samantha Musso- So basically in the intro-segment this chick and her sister like gush about how hot they think Simon is and like, they are kinda terrifying. Usually when there are contestants that are this wild and happy and bubbly, they get turned away...if you want on, tell a depressing story about being in a car accident or having so weird disease, nine times out of ten, it will work. But anyway, I totally pegged this girl to suck terribly based solely on her annoying enthusiasm to meet Simon. Once in the audition room, bitch is all like "oh my gaaaaaaawd! I have a note for you from my sister" and before Simon can even read it, the girl's sister barges into the room and like creams all up inside her pants. Simon is totally expecting this girl to be a terrible singer, because he asks her sister if she wants to judge with them, aka trying to force the girl to say her sister is a god-awful mess of a singer. But after she snuggles up to Simon in his chair, Samantha sings ("Until You Come Back to Me"!!!) and is pretty good. She has a great tone and a semi-edgy look to her, without becoming obnoxious and annoying. It's cute cuz Simon asks her sister what she thinks, and she pretends to criticize. The judges like her and then the two sisters tag-team Simon and blatantly blow off a hug from Ryan when they leave the audition room. Ha!
David Achulato- Alright, back to the sob-stories. This 16-year old pseudo-Zac Efron wannabe cuz like a soar throat once that paralyzed his vocals chords or something and like doctors said he could never speak again, but ALAS! he proved them wrong and is now a good singer that wants to prove himself or some sappy shit like that. He's kinda nervous and is cute with his spiky hair and the deer-in-headlights look in his eyes. He has a rough-tone to his voice and sings that "We Are The World" wannabe "Waiting on the World to Change". He fucks up the lyrics a little but is still decent. Randy looks completely uninterested until the chorus comes in, where he starts to sing backup and it's annoying. Aside from his eye-rolling back-story, he's a nice kid with a good voice, and I'm happy he goes through.
Carly Simson- Could very well be this seasons "rocker!!!" with her tattooed arm, and really hot husband who sadly has the ink drawings all over his beautiful face. She's from England or Ireland or somewhere...and has that weird Leprechaun accent...like not just Irish, but fucking pot-of-gold-Irish. We are informed that she auditioned for the 5th season and made it to Hollywood, but was ultimately disqualified cuz her Visa didn't get accepted in time. It's a sad but not over-the-top kinda back-story that makes me like her. She sings "I'm Every Woman (the Non-Mandisa remix)" and is 'aight. She's a little off in pitch and messes way too much with the arrangement of the song and warbles too much, but hey, whatever...she's still a lot better than basically everyone that made the top 12 last season. Simon says she wasn't as good as she was during season 5, which I don't buy cuz even if it is true, how the fuck does Simon remember her from two years ago after only seeing her once? It's BS, but Randy says that she "can blow" which I guess is a good thing. She's in.
Rejected Losers
Valerie Rays- She like totally loves Mariah! Oh fuck, this isn't a good sign already. There hasn't been a single good audition where the contestant has mentioned Mariah Carey, and not bombed terribly in a fit of fiery anger or disbelief. And this audition doesn't break that chain. After claiming that strangers on the street confuse this round-faced, button-eyed, bowling ball headed chunkster with Mariah Carey, Ryan does some intense investigative journalism and uncovers the fact that Ms. Rays LOVES to laugh at the lame-ass douches that embarrass themselves on television, that she will oh so shortly find herself becoming one of. She starts singing and is trying to do the whole "whistle-register" high note screeching that Mariah has patented but just warbles between really high to really low. Simon compares her to a melted CD, and she pretends to know what he means. Whatever Paula says doesn't matter and Randy goes deaf for a second and claims that she has a nice tone. Shut up. She gets the boot though and then nearly heaves all over the audition room with the realization that she is now one of the terrifyingly awful dumbass rejects that she so mercilessly ridiculed. Karma's a bitch, bitch.
Monique Gibson & Christopher Baker- So this is the duo from hell. Monqiue is a large, sass-pot that's overflowing with unattractive attitude while Christopher seems to be her flamboyantly psychotic, anorexic counterpart. Monique goes first and even before she sings, Simon tells her that she is an utter mess with her attire and says that at least three separate people must have dressed you, to which she replies that, no, she dressed herself. Uh huh...making yourself look real good already, dumbass. She will be singing "I Believe In Miracles" aka, the wrong song titled version of "I Believe In You and Me"...side note: I really don't get these people that go into the audition room and either a) don't know the name of their song, b) don't know the words to their song or c) don't know the melody of their song...like, wouldn't you be practicing for like days upon days in advance, just to make sure that the song you're singing to the judges will fit your voice well? Seriously? Oh god I really don't get people. Anyway, she sucks and goes from yelling to whining then back to yelling then to just fucking annoying. The judges tell her she is god-awful, but she is one of those stubborn, belligerent ones that think arguing with the judges will make them suddenly like you or make you suddenly not have the voice of a convulsing epileptic cow. She then cries about her struggle to get here, but I'm all like "bitch, we didn't see no long and overly explanatory video segment prior to your audition, so keep your problems to yourself". Then comes in Christopher who is a malnourished queen who cocks his head out while overtly emphasizing every single syllable. He also starts yelling...oh! Yeah, he's singing that annoying ass "I Believe the Children Are Our Future" which is probably the most disturbing song ever. Simon says that not a note was in tune to which he responds with warble after warble after exhaustive warble. When the judges tell him to shut up he starts throwing a tantrum to which he is escorted outside. Then the powers of suck are combined when Monique and Christopher begin free-styling and screaming about how great they are before singing the ABC's and storming out like they had any dignity in the first place. Yeah, in their dreams.
Blake Boshano- Ok, so this dude has hideous teeth. He also dressed up as the Statue of Liberty season 5 and was (duh) rejected by the judges. Ug...KOOKY COSTUMES NEVER WORK! IDIOTS! We see his mom and she seems cute but then starts talking about how it is her dream to see her son on American Idol and she's a little bizarre. Basically stating that the entire point of her existence is to see her son sing the mediocre hell out of Stevie Wonder songs, she terrifies me. We are reminded that Simon called Blake an "Idiot" during the season 5 audition. But what is really strange is the fact that this kid has a decent voice. It's a little gentle...aka sickly, but it isn't bad. The judges aren't feeling it though and they all say "no". He tells his family and his mother's world shatters to pieces around her, while Blake hugs some gorgeous dude who appears out of nowhere.
Alberto Hurtado- Fat hippie. We are shown a drug-induced montage of clips of this creep smelling flowers and being fat and stroking his nasty ass hair with his two-inch long fingernails and twirling a Barbie doll. He says that he gets inspiration from his imagination, which doesn't really make sense, considering that your imagination is actually the think that tends to spark inspiration, but I won't quibble anymore over such an idiotic statement. He admits that he lives inside his imagination (strange)...maybe a little TOO MUCH (dangerous sociopath!). He's wearing some shirt with an eagle on it and has bangles all over his pants like some sort of belly dancer (which I shiver to think of), and is wafting his (probable) B.O. all over the place with this huge ass wooden fan that has some statement about him being the American Idol scribbled on it. Uh...huh, this guy really has a chance. He greets the judges and Simon is already through with this kid and his dirty soft-spoken pervert voice. Alberto will be singing his own composition...shocker. It's called "Live" and sounds made-up right from the get-go. He fluffs his hair and scares the judges and Simon says that it is a depressing piece of shit song, to which the flower child disagrees and tries to sing more. Simon isn't buying it though and interrupts and tries to relate to the earthiness of this nut by saying the song is like "a storm cloud". Then Alberto claims to have a depressing life (oh really?) and leaves the audition room and more or less dies in his mother's arms. Then some crazy woman starts blathering about special the kid is at everything before the terrifying beast takes the last walk of the Navajo on the Trail of Tears out of the building...which then turns into a running sprint suddenly.
Well, that was San Diego for ya...Some good, some bad...I'm disappointed though, cuz aside from Pia from one of last week's auditions, I haven't really seen anyone that I think has any sort of spunk or uniqueness to them. Tomorrow I'll write on my hilarious findings in South Carolina.
Dallas Auditions
We open today to see that we're in Dallas today...oh boy. We are reminded that Kelly "Stuff Like That There" Clarkson was from this town and won the show then won two Grammys and basically ruled the world (before releasing "My December"...BOO!!!). We're shown a stupid powerpoint montage of girls in cowboy hats, nice houses, screaming douches and cattle. Then there's this big old mess of a drag queen (?) that looks like a fatter less masculine version of P!nk that says "Everything's bigger in Texas!". Haha...shut up. 4 bajillion people are screaming and then some woman gives birth and curses the poor child with the name "Idol". Simon is wearing his "too low cut" t-shirt, Paula is in some hideous red floral dress and Randy is still fat. And now the auditions begin!
The Good
Jessica Brown- now I instantly like this girl, because instead of being like every whiny bitch who comes in crying about how cruel the world has been to them, she openly admits that she digs drugs and was a teenage mother. Good for you girl...even though your mugshots looking unfortunately like those of Jessica "Total Eclipse of the Heart" Sierra. She then talks about loving that shitty Carrie Underwood song "Jesus, Take the Wheel" and I role my eyes and yawn. There is a shot of her mom (aka her older sister...she's gorgeous) and her beautiful baby. She wants to be a martyr for druggies everyone. Ok...she is going to sing that Pretenders' song that Gina Glocksen rocked out to last season, "I'll Stand By You". She is ok...if not a little hesitant. There's a close-up of Paula looking absolutely dreadful with a ring the size of a small village. Simon thought she made the song interesting. Randy thought it was pitchy but "not bad". They don't let Paula say shit. Oh...she's through. She gets hugs by her entire family who all look exactly like her.
Alaina Whitaker- Looks kinda like Carrie Underwood a little if you squint. She sings country and auditions with some lame Faith Hill song...oh wait, that's all of them. She sounds good, if not a little too much like Carrie. She gets into it...closes her eyes, clenches her fists and lifts her head skyward. Simon says she's ok, but not as good as she thinks...to which she replies that she can sing some Celine Dion if they want...no bitch, they say you're not as good as you think, aka, don't try to take on an even more talented singer. Paula say she has a power to her voice that is a little much...but she is still going through. They all hug and can I just say that I right now notice how fucking cute Ryan looks today with his black hoodie. Aw!
Pia Easley- Fauxhawk wearing model/singer that struts in with more sass than LaKisha. She sings some Gladys Knight song and she has this kind of rough, semi-masculine tone to her voice that is really engaging. Simon cracks a little smile and says it is great and that he loves her. Paula likes her too aka wishes to be her. Randy loves her. I'm glad this girl came about now...cuz I have yet to see someone this episode that actually was really awesome. I love her though she is sporting a Stephanie Edwards hairdo and has some out-of-control dangling earrings. I'd love to hear her blast some Janis Joplin...FINGERS CROSSED!
Brandon Green- Kinda cute in a poorly shaven kinda way with a cute vest and...omfg, ew. Scratch that. He has a collection of FINGERNAILS. They are nasty ass brown nails that Ryan like pukes at seeing. That is the most vile thing in the world...worse than "Two Girls One Cup"...well, almost. In his audition, he says that he doesn't want to be like Brit Brit or Paris Hilton, aka keeps his underwear on. The judges are very skeeved about his fingernail obsession as well. He will be singing "Rich Girl" by Gwen...oh, Hall & Oates. I would be very amused to hear the former, but whatever. Wow, and he is actually kinda good too. He has Elliott Yamin kinda flow, snapping his fingers and making a really steady beat. Damn. Simon thinks it is forgettable? It's not...whatever. Paula likes it, duh. Randy thought it was alright and tries to talk with musical jargon. Randy tries to like stir up some bizarre drama with Simon and no one understands so he just embarrasses himself. Whatever...he and his filthy nails are going through.
Kayla Hatfield- She is from some horse farm somewhere and she has two adorable kids. She talks very softly...almost eerily like that old bitch with the baby voice from those "Poltergeist" films. We're then shown a photo of a mangled car as Kayla tells us that she was in a terrible car accident that like almost killed her. Is she bummed that she has scarring on her face? Not at all. She's a trooper and I like her and not even her pseudo-hippy attire or manic hand twitches could deter that. She's cute. She sings "Another Little Piece of My Heart", score one for her. When she growls she is good but all the actually singing is kinda apprehensive, like a girl standing up and doing karaoke for the first time and being half-excited for it and half-terrified. Like, she almost gets really into it, but then restrains herself at the fear of embarrassment. Simon says that for an hour a day he wants to be her (???). He puts her though, which I wasn't seeing. Paula, totally says what I just said about her apprehension and says NO. Simon has it hard for her and tries to convince Randy and...it works. Randy is this season's Paula. She freaks and everyone hugs her. Paula looks really miserable that her vote was vetoed.
Kady Malloy- Cute girl who does vocal impressions...and does a pretty awesome one of Britney Spears (the song she sings is "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" and I hate myself for knowing that). She then sings for her audition "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Under-Bot and sounds JUST like Carrie to which Simon calls her out on her copy-catting, telling her to just sing like herself. She then plays fucking roulette with her chances and sings Simon's favorite song, "Unchained Melody"...and she is pretty good. She has a well-rounded lower tone that I really enjoy. The judges agree and Simon says that she is best this season...Randy says that she isn't the best...Paula says something stupid about being herself. Then Kady, her cute little face and sweet demeanor takes her golden ticket.
Kyle Ensley- Oh no. This is gonna be a disaster. This poor individual is wearing a white button down, a huge red tie and a goofy smile. He says that his aspiration in life is to be the governor of Oklahoma. Ok...The producers of this show are very cruel people as they make a whole video montage of this kid making a fool of himself by structuring it like some sort of political advertisement. It's times like this that I wonder what this kid must be thinking right now as he watches this at home. What will come tomorrow? Will he being laughed at mercilessly by everyone he knows? Will his family disown him? Wait, wait wait...I haven't even seen the audition, he could very well be awesome and be sent through. Oh fuck it, who am I kidding. Let's get this shit on the road. He's singing "Somebody to Love" by Queen. He actually is kinda good, though a little amateurish. He is a little flat at some points, but isn't that bad! I eat my words! Pass the humble pie please! Simon says YES. Randy thought it was stupid and "academic" whatever that means. Paula is melting at his smile. Simon asks him "you wouldn't do what Clay Aiken did, like do weird things with your hair and wear red-letter jackets." hahahahahahhahaha I LOVE it when the judges trash-talk former contestants....it's probably my favorite thing in the entire world ever. Paula says YES! Awesome! I'm actually shocked for the first time ever by this show!
Colton Swan- A punky pseudo-good-looking spiky haired rocker who "kinda" plays the guitar. First, I love his name. Second, he is in a band with his brother. And then he sings some song I've never heard of. His audition reminds me very much of Chris Daughtry's...only more nasally and poppy. Paula thought it was good but wished she could gaze into his eyes more. Simon thought it was a "bar performance". Randy digged it. he's going through, but not before Randy gives him the kiss of death: "Make sure you improve in Hollywood." BURN! Whenever the judges say that I always wince, cuz you know that there must be some sort of quota that they have to meet of people they let through, and eventually they need to start being more lenient on the contestants, so they let some just OK singers in. And it's like their secret way of telling them "Hey, if you auditioned earlier today, you wouldn't have made it, so fucking watch yourself punk, cuz we''ll be gunning for your ass in Hollywood." Poor kid, he doesn't have a chance.
Drew Poppelreiter- He's some country bumpkin who is a less snaggle-toothed and more literate version of Bucky "Oh Boy" Covington. He lives on a farm and loves his family. How many fucking people are we gonna see like this!? He will be singing some George Strait song I've never heard...obviously. His voice is good in a doafy kind of country way. He's a nice kid though and is very respectful and has a great smile. Simon instantly shits on his dreams though Randy does defend him. Paula doesn't see star quality...but of course she says yes. And he goes out there and hugs his sister and is real cute...he just needs to lost the camouflage hat.
Nina Shaw- First off...she is gorgeous...second, she is from the same town as Kelly Clarkson. Third, she is wearing a flower in her hair and not in an irritating Jasmine Trias kind of way. "Run To You" by Ms. Houston. Hmmm...good luck girl...well, she is actually kind of good. She has a smooth tone and Simon throws her the "cabaret" and "old-fashioned" bones and she starts singing that "Feeling Good" song and it is kinda jazzy and Randy brings up Amy Winehouse for some reason and I'm like...keep Wino outta your mouth. She can out-sing all this fools. Randy loves her...Simon hates her. Paula says YES...DUH...she is so predictable and Simon makes fun of the fact that Paula has only said "no" to one person out of like 3 million. Ha.
The Bad
Paul Stafford- Before his audition everyone is cheering for him as he squats up and down and lumbers around trying to be all like "look, I'm fat...and dancing! hahaha". It's embarrassing and I die a little inside. He mows grass and dusts off a baseball diamond for a living. Ryan makes awkward conversation with him and then makes him dance some more and it's painful. He is a member of the American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts...whatever that is. He's a big dork. And he will be singing.........ELLIOTT "my boyfriend" YAMIN's "WAIT FOR YOU"......ahhh! I bug out and scream and laugh as Elliott and Chris Daughtry count their money while Katharine McBulimia and Taylor Sucks cry and apply for jobs at WalMart. Paul? He blows and is smiling like a goon. The judges think it's goofy and make fun of his mannerisms. Paula says it's "good". Simon tells him that he was an idiot for singing in public and that his family is a bunch of deceitful liars for letting him go on. Paula calls it "joyful". They say that they really like him...blah blah, he sucks, shut up. Also, from where Simon is sitting, the backdrop of Carrie Underwood singing looks like she is about to take a huge bite out of his head.
Beth Maddocks- Some girl with huge hoop earrings and an eyebrow piercing. She loves Kelly Clarkson, but doesn't want to be her...and good for her. Even though she is like Nikki McKibbin/Gina Glocksen caliber kooky, I kinda dig her...AND she's singing "Beautiful Disaster" by Ms. Clarkson, which is a great song that everyone should know. YAY! Oh...no, she kinda blows a little...a lot. She keeps trying to sing high and it's all warbled and Simon asks her how the fuck she can be a singing waitress...cuz she sucks. She leaves and her friends don't even pretend to be surprised that she didn't make it.
Angela Reilley- She's kind of spacey, but I think it's just nerves. This cutie comes in with a beautiful beet-red kimono dress on and talks unenthusiastically about her recent wedding and how "awesome" it was. She's actually a very beautiful girl. And she's married to a model...who is smoking. Randy says "just like me and Simon!" Shut up. She is overly animated and probably would be good in the role of Penny Pingleton in a VERY OFF-Broadway production of "Hairspray". Her jacked husband cheers her on and his gigantic biceps overtake my entire line of vision. Simon says that it's a good thing that her husband loves her (cuz no one will ever love her voice). She squeals like a parakeet. She then sings "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". It sucks...Simon tries to get her husband to say she blows...but he won't...Aw! Randy then puts the awful image of him in a speedo in my head and it's gross and disturbing and I puke.
Tammy Tuzinski- She's a space-cadet...she loves Celine Dion, who gives her "warmth"...ew. Now this could very well be just the way the video is edited (damn you devilish producers!), but she seems to take 10 seconds to speak between each sentence and it is a little disconcerting. She is singing that annoying "Power Of Love" song that I can't fucking stand. Wait...she is singing another song. I'm confused. Ok, she starts singing again and it is very bland and weird. The poor girl is really nervous and she knows she is bombing. The judges all say NO but not before FORCING HER TO ADMIT SHE BLOWS. They are such pricks sometimes....I love it. Ryan than adds insult to injury by grabbing her by the next the second she leaves the room and saying "the dream isn't alive". What the hell?
Kyle Rennick- Ok...so I guess this is going to be the force-fed rocker this season. He thinks he's a hard-rocker...and he wants to rock it. But in all honesty, he seems more R.J. Helton than Chris Daughtry...if you catch my drift. He has some home-made Hot Topic clothes and is wearing eye-liner and is just really uncomfortable and way to full of himself. His ego is as big as his skin is orange. He is kind of a poser...like he is trying be a rocker, but can't even name three bands that don't have a DJ and at least one gay member. They show him dancing like Ryan Seacrest at the discotech on a Saturday night before he pathetically says "Rock Out...WooWoo". Oh god...this could very well be LITERALLY a bloodbath, cuz I think Simon just might shoot himself in the face after this kid. He comes in with a poster of all these little kids he watches over at some camp or something, giving metal-horns and for a second, I don't find him completely detestable. And what is the ROCK SONG he will stun the world with??? My Chemical Romance? Linkin Park? Backstreet Boys?????? What? "NEVER AGAIN" by Kelly Clarkson?!?!? That's rock? oh god...this so annoying. Simon asks if he tortures his children with it? He called it demonic and dumb. Kyle tries to defend himself. He completely has lost his punky-full of himself attitude. Simon thinks his eyes are hideous. Oh no...he starts singing again...I hate it when the contestants do that, even though the judges are all like "just stop just stop for the love of Kelly Clarkson, just fucking stop!" they still sing and it's embarrassing and pathetic.
The Fucking Bizarre
Bruce Dickson- Very fucking creepy. He's kinda cute, though his dad is terrifying and has instilled in his son this weird fear of women...but it gets real bizarre. Now, the young could-be stud has a chain around his neck with a key. His father...has the corresponding lock heart...let the strangeness and uncomfortable feelings that this evokes sink in. He explains it like this: dad will give the heart to his wife and something something weird metaphor blah blah no one cares. Then it is revealed that this poor chap hasn't even kissed a girl and then Ryan makes some remark to his dad like "well let's just see how long that lasts if he gets to Hollywood." Then the father is all like "well you'll look after him right?" and Ryan blatantly admits that he will try and seduce him: "Oh you won't want that. I just kissed a girl today." Yeah...and by girl you mean your magazine cut-out collage of Zac Efron pictures. The judges think he is a nut for never kissing a girl. He is singing "Ain't No Sunshine" and sings it kinda pop-punky and it's pretty good. Very good actually. Damn...he could probably get any girl in his high school choir. Simon and Randy think his voice is good, but would sound like shit on the radio. Poor kid...I swear he would have gotten through if he sang some contemporary stuff...wait, you know, HE'D probably sound good singing that Elliott Yamin joint. Oh well. He asks for advice, Randy says "Kiss some girls" to which Simon adds "Yeah, but avoid Ryan on the way out." Ha! Burn...I love their bitch-fights!
Douglas Davidson- I instantly feel kinda bad for this guy. He's like a doughboy and is kinda dorky and he's probably been ripped on his entire life, so I'ma give him some slack. He says he wants to "restart his singing hobby", which is interesting I guess, cuz I wouldn't immediately think of him as a singer...maybe the lead bass in his high school choir, but not pop caliber. He is very scared about damaging his voice. He then tells us a very scary story about how his father always verbally assaults him whenever he catches him singing. He says "I hate you" and not in a joking way. Like seriously, "mother fucker, I fucking hate you." I really feel for this guy and I hope for his sake he's really awesome...even though I know he's gonna bomb cuz every preview they show before commercial breaks have a clip of him being forced out of the audition room. Damn. He does some warm-ups and the judges make fun of him and I am sad. He's doing "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. Oh boy...he is really bad, has no tone and isn't on any sort of beat. Randy says it is "the weirdest audition ever" though I beg to differ considering how fucked up yesterday's contestants were. I said this yesterday, but Paula is playing devil's advocate this season...she suggests that maybe he take a drink of water and try again. Ha...how cruel. He then starts walking in circles and sings again and it's really weird. He like gets in this weird trance where the judges' voices don't penetrate his weird zombie like state. Oh boy...just stop! This is painful and I am actually getting depressed. The judges aren't even humoring him. Paula tries to say that he projected better. SHUT UP PAULA! He then sings again. Two huge guidos pop out of nowhere and escort him outside. And he is still singing after he has left the room.
Renaldo Lupoz- Lame...Lame...this season's WIlliam Hung. This poor Asian guy can barely speak English and is dressed in some space-pimp coat with a fuzzy white hate and tinfoil cape. He is delusional and he says that people bow to him all the time. Aw...he's a sweet kid though. Ryan flirst with him for like ten seconds and tries to put his head on his crotch. Randy already starts hysterically laughing when this poor soul wanders into the room. He then starts talking about SImon and grins like a creep and everyone starts laughing and he has no idea why. Oh and he will be singing his own composition: "We're Brothers Forever". Great. He has a very loud voice...I didn't think he'd be good at all, but he isn't as bad as I expected. Beneath his heavy accent and his many white feathers all over his clothes, he has a strong voice. But this song never ends and the judges all start singing along and it is really fucking funny. Randy then starts dancing with him and grinning like a fool getting his picture taken with Mickey Mouse at DIsney world...phoney excited and kind of mocking the poor guy in the stuffy mouse suit. Ryan is then brought in to get in on this joke and starts singing with a clearly drunk Randy. Paula then starts dancing and pseudo-signing the lyrics. Simon is hysterically crying. I have NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. It's one part cruel, one part hilarious and one part terrifying. He gets aNO from SImon but a huge hug, which he deserves after that humilation. Renaldo then says he is a God or something...I dunno, I'm still reeling.
Well, that's it for Dallas. Let's hope next week has some better singers and less mentally-handicapped individuals being exploited for entertainment value.
The Good
Jessica Brown- now I instantly like this girl, because instead of being like every whiny bitch who comes in crying about how cruel the world has been to them, she openly admits that she digs drugs and was a teenage mother. Good for you girl...even though your mugshots looking unfortunately like those of Jessica "Total Eclipse of the Heart" Sierra. She then talks about loving that shitty Carrie Underwood song "Jesus, Take the Wheel" and I role my eyes and yawn. There is a shot of her mom (aka her older sister...she's gorgeous) and her beautiful baby. She wants to be a martyr for druggies everyone. Ok...she is going to sing that Pretenders' song that Gina Glocksen rocked out to last season, "I'll Stand By You". She is ok...if not a little hesitant. There's a close-up of Paula looking absolutely dreadful with a ring the size of a small village. Simon thought she made the song interesting. Randy thought it was pitchy but "not bad". They don't let Paula say shit. Oh...she's through. She gets hugs by her entire family who all look exactly like her.
Alaina Whitaker- Looks kinda like Carrie Underwood a little if you squint. She sings country and auditions with some lame Faith Hill song...oh wait, that's all of them. She sounds good, if not a little too much like Carrie. She gets into it...closes her eyes, clenches her fists and lifts her head skyward. Simon says she's ok, but not as good as she thinks...to which she replies that she can sing some Celine Dion if they want...no bitch, they say you're not as good as you think, aka, don't try to take on an even more talented singer. Paula say she has a power to her voice that is a little much...but she is still going through. They all hug and can I just say that I right now notice how fucking cute Ryan looks today with his black hoodie. Aw!
Pia Easley- Fauxhawk wearing model/singer that struts in with more sass than LaKisha. She sings some Gladys Knight song and she has this kind of rough, semi-masculine tone to her voice that is really engaging. Simon cracks a little smile and says it is great and that he loves her. Paula likes her too aka wishes to be her. Randy loves her. I'm glad this girl came about now...cuz I have yet to see someone this episode that actually was really awesome. I love her though she is sporting a Stephanie Edwards hairdo and has some out-of-control dangling earrings. I'd love to hear her blast some Janis Joplin...FINGERS CROSSED!
Brandon Green- Kinda cute in a poorly shaven kinda way with a cute vest and...omfg, ew. Scratch that. He has a collection of FINGERNAILS. They are nasty ass brown nails that Ryan like pukes at seeing. That is the most vile thing in the world...worse than "Two Girls One Cup"...well, almost. In his audition, he says that he doesn't want to be like Brit Brit or Paris Hilton, aka keeps his underwear on. The judges are very skeeved about his fingernail obsession as well. He will be singing "Rich Girl" by Gwen...oh, Hall & Oates. I would be very amused to hear the former, but whatever. Wow, and he is actually kinda good too. He has Elliott Yamin kinda flow, snapping his fingers and making a really steady beat. Damn. Simon thinks it is forgettable? It's not...whatever. Paula likes it, duh. Randy thought it was alright and tries to talk with musical jargon. Randy tries to like stir up some bizarre drama with Simon and no one understands so he just embarrasses himself. Whatever...he and his filthy nails are going through.
Kayla Hatfield- She is from some horse farm somewhere and she has two adorable kids. She talks very softly...almost eerily like that old bitch with the baby voice from those "Poltergeist" films. We're then shown a photo of a mangled car as Kayla tells us that she was in a terrible car accident that like almost killed her. Is she bummed that she has scarring on her face? Not at all. She's a trooper and I like her and not even her pseudo-hippy attire or manic hand twitches could deter that. She's cute. She sings "Another Little Piece of My Heart", score one for her. When she growls she is good but all the actually singing is kinda apprehensive, like a girl standing up and doing karaoke for the first time and being half-excited for it and half-terrified. Like, she almost gets really into it, but then restrains herself at the fear of embarrassment. Simon says that for an hour a day he wants to be her (???). He puts her though, which I wasn't seeing. Paula, totally says what I just said about her apprehension and says NO. Simon has it hard for her and tries to convince Randy and...it works. Randy is this season's Paula. She freaks and everyone hugs her. Paula looks really miserable that her vote was vetoed.
Kady Malloy- Cute girl who does vocal impressions...and does a pretty awesome one of Britney Spears (the song she sings is "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" and I hate myself for knowing that). She then sings for her audition "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Under-Bot and sounds JUST like Carrie to which Simon calls her out on her copy-catting, telling her to just sing like herself. She then plays fucking roulette with her chances and sings Simon's favorite song, "Unchained Melody"...and she is pretty good. She has a well-rounded lower tone that I really enjoy. The judges agree and Simon says that she is best this season...Randy says that she isn't the best...Paula says something stupid about being herself. Then Kady, her cute little face and sweet demeanor takes her golden ticket.
Kyle Ensley- Oh no. This is gonna be a disaster. This poor individual is wearing a white button down, a huge red tie and a goofy smile. He says that his aspiration in life is to be the governor of Oklahoma. Ok...The producers of this show are very cruel people as they make a whole video montage of this kid making a fool of himself by structuring it like some sort of political advertisement. It's times like this that I wonder what this kid must be thinking right now as he watches this at home. What will come tomorrow? Will he being laughed at mercilessly by everyone he knows? Will his family disown him? Wait, wait wait...I haven't even seen the audition, he could very well be awesome and be sent through. Oh fuck it, who am I kidding. Let's get this shit on the road. He's singing "Somebody to Love" by Queen. He actually is kinda good, though a little amateurish. He is a little flat at some points, but isn't that bad! I eat my words! Pass the humble pie please! Simon says YES. Randy thought it was stupid and "academic" whatever that means. Paula is melting at his smile. Simon asks him "you wouldn't do what Clay Aiken did, like do weird things with your hair and wear red-letter jackets." hahahahahahhahaha I LOVE it when the judges trash-talk former contestants....it's probably my favorite thing in the entire world ever. Paula says YES! Awesome! I'm actually shocked for the first time ever by this show!
Colton Swan- A punky pseudo-good-looking spiky haired rocker who "kinda" plays the guitar. First, I love his name. Second, he is in a band with his brother. And then he sings some song I've never heard of. His audition reminds me very much of Chris Daughtry's...only more nasally and poppy. Paula thought it was good but wished she could gaze into his eyes more. Simon thought it was a "bar performance". Randy digged it. he's going through, but not before Randy gives him the kiss of death: "Make sure you improve in Hollywood." BURN! Whenever the judges say that I always wince, cuz you know that there must be some sort of quota that they have to meet of people they let through, and eventually they need to start being more lenient on the contestants, so they let some just OK singers in. And it's like their secret way of telling them "Hey, if you auditioned earlier today, you wouldn't have made it, so fucking watch yourself punk, cuz we''ll be gunning for your ass in Hollywood." Poor kid, he doesn't have a chance.
Drew Poppelreiter- He's some country bumpkin who is a less snaggle-toothed and more literate version of Bucky "Oh Boy" Covington. He lives on a farm and loves his family. How many fucking people are we gonna see like this!? He will be singing some George Strait song I've never heard...obviously. His voice is good in a doafy kind of country way. He's a nice kid though and is very respectful and has a great smile. Simon instantly shits on his dreams though Randy does defend him. Paula doesn't see star quality...but of course she says yes. And he goes out there and hugs his sister and is real cute...he just needs to lost the camouflage hat.
Nina Shaw- First off...she is gorgeous...second, she is from the same town as Kelly Clarkson. Third, she is wearing a flower in her hair and not in an irritating Jasmine Trias kind of way. "Run To You" by Ms. Houston. Hmmm...good luck girl...well, she is actually kind of good. She has a smooth tone and Simon throws her the "cabaret" and "old-fashioned" bones and she starts singing that "Feeling Good" song and it is kinda jazzy and Randy brings up Amy Winehouse for some reason and I'm like...keep Wino outta your mouth. She can out-sing all this fools. Randy loves her...Simon hates her. Paula says YES...DUH...she is so predictable and Simon makes fun of the fact that Paula has only said "no" to one person out of like 3 million. Ha.
The Bad
Paul Stafford- Before his audition everyone is cheering for him as he squats up and down and lumbers around trying to be all like "look, I'm fat...and dancing! hahaha". It's embarrassing and I die a little inside. He mows grass and dusts off a baseball diamond for a living. Ryan makes awkward conversation with him and then makes him dance some more and it's painful. He is a member of the American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts...whatever that is. He's a big dork. And he will be singing.........ELLIOTT "my boyfriend" YAMIN's "WAIT FOR YOU"......ahhh! I bug out and scream and laugh as Elliott and Chris Daughtry count their money while Katharine McBulimia and Taylor Sucks cry and apply for jobs at WalMart. Paul? He blows and is smiling like a goon. The judges think it's goofy and make fun of his mannerisms. Paula says it's "good". Simon tells him that he was an idiot for singing in public and that his family is a bunch of deceitful liars for letting him go on. Paula calls it "joyful". They say that they really like him...blah blah, he sucks, shut up. Also, from where Simon is sitting, the backdrop of Carrie Underwood singing looks like she is about to take a huge bite out of his head.
Beth Maddocks- Some girl with huge hoop earrings and an eyebrow piercing. She loves Kelly Clarkson, but doesn't want to be her...and good for her. Even though she is like Nikki McKibbin/Gina Glocksen caliber kooky, I kinda dig her...AND she's singing "Beautiful Disaster" by Ms. Clarkson, which is a great song that everyone should know. YAY! Oh...no, she kinda blows a little...a lot. She keeps trying to sing high and it's all warbled and Simon asks her how the fuck she can be a singing waitress...cuz she sucks. She leaves and her friends don't even pretend to be surprised that she didn't make it.
Angela Reilley- She's kind of spacey, but I think it's just nerves. This cutie comes in with a beautiful beet-red kimono dress on and talks unenthusiastically about her recent wedding and how "awesome" it was. She's actually a very beautiful girl. And she's married to a model...who is smoking. Randy says "just like me and Simon!" Shut up. She is overly animated and probably would be good in the role of Penny Pingleton in a VERY OFF-Broadway production of "Hairspray". Her jacked husband cheers her on and his gigantic biceps overtake my entire line of vision. Simon says that it's a good thing that her husband loves her (cuz no one will ever love her voice). She squeals like a parakeet. She then sings "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". It sucks...Simon tries to get her husband to say she blows...but he won't...Aw! Randy then puts the awful image of him in a speedo in my head and it's gross and disturbing and I puke.
Tammy Tuzinski- She's a space-cadet...she loves Celine Dion, who gives her "warmth"...ew. Now this could very well be just the way the video is edited (damn you devilish producers!), but she seems to take 10 seconds to speak between each sentence and it is a little disconcerting. She is singing that annoying "Power Of Love" song that I can't fucking stand. Wait...she is singing another song. I'm confused. Ok, she starts singing again and it is very bland and weird. The poor girl is really nervous and she knows she is bombing. The judges all say NO but not before FORCING HER TO ADMIT SHE BLOWS. They are such pricks sometimes....I love it. Ryan than adds insult to injury by grabbing her by the next the second she leaves the room and saying "the dream isn't alive". What the hell?
Kyle Rennick- Ok...so I guess this is going to be the force-fed rocker this season. He thinks he's a hard-rocker...and he wants to rock it. But in all honesty, he seems more R.J. Helton than Chris Daughtry...if you catch my drift. He has some home-made Hot Topic clothes and is wearing eye-liner and is just really uncomfortable and way to full of himself. His ego is as big as his skin is orange. He is kind of a poser...like he is trying be a rocker, but can't even name three bands that don't have a DJ and at least one gay member. They show him dancing like Ryan Seacrest at the discotech on a Saturday night before he pathetically says "Rock Out...WooWoo". Oh god...this could very well be LITERALLY a bloodbath, cuz I think Simon just might shoot himself in the face after this kid. He comes in with a poster of all these little kids he watches over at some camp or something, giving metal-horns and for a second, I don't find him completely detestable. And what is the ROCK SONG he will stun the world with??? My Chemical Romance? Linkin Park? Backstreet Boys?????? What? "NEVER AGAIN" by Kelly Clarkson?!?!? That's rock? oh god...this so annoying. Simon asks if he tortures his children with it? He called it demonic and dumb. Kyle tries to defend himself. He completely has lost his punky-full of himself attitude. Simon thinks his eyes are hideous. Oh no...he starts singing again...I hate it when the contestants do that, even though the judges are all like "just stop just stop for the love of Kelly Clarkson, just fucking stop!" they still sing and it's embarrassing and pathetic.
The Fucking Bizarre
Bruce Dickson- Very fucking creepy. He's kinda cute, though his dad is terrifying and has instilled in his son this weird fear of women...but it gets real bizarre. Now, the young could-be stud has a chain around his neck with a key. His father...has the corresponding lock heart...let the strangeness and uncomfortable feelings that this evokes sink in. He explains it like this: dad will give the heart to his wife and something something weird metaphor blah blah no one cares. Then it is revealed that this poor chap hasn't even kissed a girl and then Ryan makes some remark to his dad like "well let's just see how long that lasts if he gets to Hollywood." Then the father is all like "well you'll look after him right?" and Ryan blatantly admits that he will try and seduce him: "Oh you won't want that. I just kissed a girl today." Yeah...and by girl you mean your magazine cut-out collage of Zac Efron pictures. The judges think he is a nut for never kissing a girl. He is singing "Ain't No Sunshine" and sings it kinda pop-punky and it's pretty good. Very good actually. Damn...he could probably get any girl in his high school choir. Simon and Randy think his voice is good, but would sound like shit on the radio. Poor kid...I swear he would have gotten through if he sang some contemporary stuff...wait, you know, HE'D probably sound good singing that Elliott Yamin joint. Oh well. He asks for advice, Randy says "Kiss some girls" to which Simon adds "Yeah, but avoid Ryan on the way out." Ha! Burn...I love their bitch-fights!
Douglas Davidson- I instantly feel kinda bad for this guy. He's like a doughboy and is kinda dorky and he's probably been ripped on his entire life, so I'ma give him some slack. He says he wants to "restart his singing hobby", which is interesting I guess, cuz I wouldn't immediately think of him as a singer...maybe the lead bass in his high school choir, but not pop caliber. He is very scared about damaging his voice. He then tells us a very scary story about how his father always verbally assaults him whenever he catches him singing. He says "I hate you" and not in a joking way. Like seriously, "mother fucker, I fucking hate you." I really feel for this guy and I hope for his sake he's really awesome...even though I know he's gonna bomb cuz every preview they show before commercial breaks have a clip of him being forced out of the audition room. Damn. He does some warm-ups and the judges make fun of him and I am sad. He's doing "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. Oh boy...he is really bad, has no tone and isn't on any sort of beat. Randy says it is "the weirdest audition ever" though I beg to differ considering how fucked up yesterday's contestants were. I said this yesterday, but Paula is playing devil's advocate this season...she suggests that maybe he take a drink of water and try again. Ha...how cruel. He then starts walking in circles and sings again and it's really weird. He like gets in this weird trance where the judges' voices don't penetrate his weird zombie like state. Oh boy...just stop! This is painful and I am actually getting depressed. The judges aren't even humoring him. Paula tries to say that he projected better. SHUT UP PAULA! He then sings again. Two huge guidos pop out of nowhere and escort him outside. And he is still singing after he has left the room.
Renaldo Lupoz- Lame...Lame...this season's WIlliam Hung. This poor Asian guy can barely speak English and is dressed in some space-pimp coat with a fuzzy white hate and tinfoil cape. He is delusional and he says that people bow to him all the time. Aw...he's a sweet kid though. Ryan flirst with him for like ten seconds and tries to put his head on his crotch. Randy already starts hysterically laughing when this poor soul wanders into the room. He then starts talking about SImon and grins like a creep and everyone starts laughing and he has no idea why. Oh and he will be singing his own composition: "We're Brothers Forever". Great. He has a very loud voice...I didn't think he'd be good at all, but he isn't as bad as I expected. Beneath his heavy accent and his many white feathers all over his clothes, he has a strong voice. But this song never ends and the judges all start singing along and it is really fucking funny. Randy then starts dancing with him and grinning like a fool getting his picture taken with Mickey Mouse at DIsney world...phoney excited and kind of mocking the poor guy in the stuffy mouse suit. Ryan is then brought in to get in on this joke and starts singing with a clearly drunk Randy. Paula then starts dancing and pseudo-signing the lyrics. Simon is hysterically crying. I have NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. It's one part cruel, one part hilarious and one part terrifying. He gets aNO from SImon but a huge hug, which he deserves after that humilation. Renaldo then says he is a God or something...I dunno, I'm still reeling.
Well, that's it for Dallas. Let's hope next week has some better singers and less mentally-handicapped individuals being exploited for entertainment value.
Philadelphia Auditions
Ok...so American Idol is finally back and my life can once again gain some sort of meaning. Jordin "Only 473,000 Albums Sold" Sparxxx won last season much to my pleasure (that Blake "It Got Real Old Real Quick" Lewis didn't win) and to my dismay (that LaKisha was robbed!). But whatever...I'm hoping this season doesn't suck as much and I am also hoping that finally the world will start listening to me and my opinion on Idol, since it always turns out that I am correct...ie. Jennifer Hudson, Elliott Yamin & Chris Daughtry...all of which I enjoyed very much, and quite fittingly all of which end up doing way better than the winners of their respective seasons.
Ok...might as well get this disaster started:The show opens with shot after shot of bellowing monsters, who are shouting something about "bEiNg da NexT AmERiCaN iDoL".... same old crappy intro with the metallic zombie man walking through the Idol spaceship surrounded by the ghostly images of Idols past...although, and I'm not just saying this to be funny, I swear I didn't see Taylor Hicks' face. But whatever...he's dead.
Ok so Ryan looks thinner than ever and starts talking about how awesome Philly is and how because of the Liberty Bell and Ben Franklin it is the greatest place in the world (he somehow omitted the escalating crime rate and the terrible poverty). A limo pulls up to a bunch of maniac fans and Paula stumbles out looking drunk with a smile painted on her face. Simon pretends to smile, but is just trying really hard to not make it obvious how much he hates this show now. And then there's Randy and he's still fat but now has weird facial hair and sideburns. Lame...whatever...let's get to the singing...
...now I found that it would be best to divide up my recap of these early rounds with just little quick tidbits on the individuals I found stood out. They will all be placed in three categories: The Good, the Bad, and the Fucking Insane. Let's start things off on a positive note, shall we?
THE GOOD
Joey Something- I didn't catch this guy's last name. He comes in blabbering about how he used to weight like one million pounds and how now he only wears half a million. Whatever, shut up and sing. He starts doing his best impression of Adam Levine from Maroon 5 as he sings "Sunday Morning" and even though I think he sounds just a little TOO much like Mr. Levine, it's still good andthe judges let him throught...though not before Simon makes several scathing comments about him still being a fat slob.
Angela Martin- Now this girl I am putting my mark on right now...I'ma be watching her closely. Ok...ok...ok...we are given the Nikki McKibbin/Fantasia/LaKisha sob-story about having a baby when she was a teenager, but in one of those videos where the Idol staff go to the homes of the contestants (which seems incredibly biased to me, but whatever), it is revealed that the very beautiful 26-year-old Ms. Martin has an equally beautiful daughter who suffers from a syndrome similar to cerebral paulsy. If that wasn't heartbreaking enough, she is surrounded by a whole horde of friends and family that love each other more than I love "Dreamgirls" (which is A LOT), and then she rips my heart out by saying that she doesn't even care about the fame, she cares about getting the best medical attention for her daughter possible. From this point on, she could sound like a strangled bullfrog (or even worse, Mikalah Gordon) and I would still call in and vote for her. In her audition she sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours)" ala Sanjaya Malakar, only she kills it and reaffirms my thoughts that she will be one of the lucky contestants that I will become dangerously obsessed with this year (maybe even my next Jennifer Hudson/Elliott Yamin/LaKisha Jones!?!). Then she gets through, Simon tells her to try not to sound like a wedding singer and then makes a weird but fucking awesome comment about how he doesn't feel happy for people when good things happen to those other than himself.
Kristy Lee Cook- Maybe the next Kellie Pickler? I dunno...she's a country kinda girl (though she's from Oregon). She raises horses and sells them or some shit like that. She loves horsies, fishing, her log cabin and....cage fighting? I dunno, she doesn't really explain it and Simon immediately assumes she's somesort of Jello-wrestling hussy. But she has a nice smile and beautiful blonde locks and sings "Amazing Grace" like LeAnn Rimes would sing it with country twang to boot. Aside from her hideous shirt which looks soaked in deep red blood, she is spot-on and the judges send her through...though I doubt another pretty blonde country girl will win this year....BITCH, we already gots a Carrie Underwood!
THE BAD
James Lewis- So this guy was badnews from the second he stepped into the room. With his tiny head and his bigass suit he looks very oddly porportioned. He's a tourguide to someplace and said that he loves interacting with people...uh huh, that's really unique. He claims that his voice is similar to Eddie Vedder, which I find incredibly unlikely considering there isn't another person in the world that has a voice like Eddie Vedder, but I digres. He starts singing in front of the judges, and I swear I don't even know what fucking song he is singing...all I can really hear is a gorilla wailing at the top of its lungs while half its face it paralyzed on novicane. I swear to God between his bellows and Randy and Paula flipping their shit and crying, I had no idea what was going on. Of course Simon calls on the hysterical Randy who has shieled his manscaped face behind a pile of paper and he can barely get a word in by his gasps for air. The poor dude then asks the judges what he can work on and instead of telling him they just laugh in his face and he lives. Oh, he's gonna come back next year, he tells Ryan. Yeah...good luck.
Temptress Browne- Winning the silver (just behind Angela Martin) for most heart-wrenching story is the very buff Temptress. She's a large girl with an even larger mother. Both women are very sweet though and Temptress proceeds to tell us how due to her mother's medical problems and her personal dreams for success, she has decided to come onto Idol. Now, I nearly crapped myself when I found out that she is only 16, cuz girl looks like she is a 29-year-old belter. I flipped out even more when she mentions that she is a star on her school's football team. AND she loves cats!?!? This girl kicks major ass. Now sadly, as I could have predicted, she was a crappy singer (though she did sing Jennifer Hudson!!!). But no worries, she cries and then the judges and her entire family have a huge group hug and it's touching and I love her.
Kristine Tulisano- ok, so here's this girl with Princess Lea cinnamon rolls on her ears, a huge silver STAR WARS belt and the irritating habit of saying "DUUHHHHHHHHHHHH" after every single sentence...I know she woke make it through...her grandparents know she won't make it through...hell, even she probably knows she won't make it through, but she goes into the audition room anyway. She blathers about loving Star Wars too much and how she is going to force her kids to live with a name based off of a ficticious character. She then comments on how "men love her" and I do not want to press that topic any further. Oh...and she admits that she has an acne problem...what the hell? Ok, so Kristine and her black fishnet stockings go trodding into the audition room and make awkward conversation with the judges about...guess what...STAR WARS. blah blah...She then starts to sing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" and I'm jazzed cuz I love that song and she actually is kinda good and......oh wait...oh god...nevermind. She starts to really suck and it turns into a bloody mess. After the judges say she is worthless she starts to cry about how she's "such a dork" and how she wants them to "pay attention to the voice within" and blah blah blah, and she seems to gather her marbles together and leave with some dignity. But the second she steps out of the room she starts bitching about how no one sees her and all people see are the dorky outside and blah blah blah. Bitch, go get some therapy. I fucking hate these introverted, dorky individuals that are all about being proud of themselves, but whenever anything goes bad for them they immediately get all defensive and try to act all beligerent about how tough their lives off. Shut up. No one cares. You suck.
THE FUCKING BIZARRE
Yuka- Also known as "Sexy Face" by female friends of his (supposedly), this interesting guy starts stuttering and bantering about a wide variety of topics that I can't really comprehend. It's not his fault, he just doesn't speak English that well, but I then question why he would audition for an American singing competition where he will be forced to sing in English and be interviewed constantly. He's a sweet kid though, if just a little misguided. He butchers "How Deep Is Your Love?" by the Bee Gees and confuses the judges terribly. Paula tries to compliment him and says that she is impressed with how he "phonetically" learned the song. I'm like, bitch...he has a hard enough time speaking to you in normal conversation...do you think he knows what you mean by "phonetically"??? Give the kid a break. Simon wants Paula to cut the shit and says he sucks. Bye.
Alexis Cohen- In what could be confused as a semi-blind crackwhore who somehow snuck into the Idol auditions, Ms. Cohen is like something out of a high school anti-drug health class video. She is wearing this weird sparkling gray makeup all over her eyes and face with a matching dull chalk-colored lipstick. Her teeth are as yellow as her mental stability is rocky and she calls herself both an "artist" and a "pirate"...yeah. She lives with her mother in a single room apartment and two cats and a dog cuz she is going to school to be a veternarian. She does what all the female contestants that dress up like Halloween costumes do and defends her attire as her own personal style that's unique...aka stupid and not cute. She claims to sounds like Janis Joplin which I can kinda see with her raspy-two packs of cigarettes a day-voice. She starts to sing that "Don't You Want Somebody To Love?" song and it isn't that terrible, but her voice just isn't cut out for Idol...and by her voice I mean her entire volatile demeanor and bizarre self-image. Simon says that she seemed to be a little possessed by the song and that she would probably do well fronting some sort of band. Paula and Randy agree and everything seems to be cool. Oh wait, nevermind. She leaves the room and like a light switch being turned on, freaks the fuck out. She screams. She flips the bird. She accuses Simon of mocking her, which isn't true...he could have been A LOT meaner. SHe runs around the Idol audition building screeching and then her mother steps in the frame and calls Simon dumb for being British? I dunno. The crackbaby doesn't fall far from the cracktree I guess. She curses some more and like tries to lick the camera and basically shatters any chance she has at ever getting a real job.
Ben Harr- I knew this dude was bad news when he showed up earing a long cloak like some character out of Lord of the Rings. He refuses to tell Ryan what is underneath, claiming that it's for the judges to see. I now start to jog my memory to see if he maybe was a reject from a past season, coming back to seek vengance on the judges...maybe there is a rocket launcher under that cape? Hm...well. He steps into the room and Simon basically vetos him right from the get-go, and rightfully so. Cuz when the douche takes off his cloak he is basically not wearing anything other than a breatplate, some sort of roman skirt and his Idol number-tag covering his fat and bulbous body. I love Simon, because he doesn't even try to humor the guy. He's all like, "just cut the crap and get out". By Paula thinks she will play devil's advocate and tells him that it's not the mounds of fatty flesh or the fact he isn't wearing clothes that is offensive, but his CHEST HAIR?! And though there is much pleading from Simon, both her and Randy offer this idiot a second chance, if he comes back with a cleanly shaven torso. What the fuck has this contest come to? He waddles off and gets a waxing, which is conveniently available in the next room and returns. Oh...he's still fat. And he doesn't even get the first two words of "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls out, before Simon forces him to leave.
well those were the highlights for tonight's auditions. Let's hope tomorrow brings some more talent and some even more crazies!
Ok...might as well get this disaster started:The show opens with shot after shot of bellowing monsters, who are shouting something about "bEiNg da NexT AmERiCaN iDoL".... same old crappy intro with the metallic zombie man walking through the Idol spaceship surrounded by the ghostly images of Idols past...although, and I'm not just saying this to be funny, I swear I didn't see Taylor Hicks' face. But whatever...he's dead.
Ok so Ryan looks thinner than ever and starts talking about how awesome Philly is and how because of the Liberty Bell and Ben Franklin it is the greatest place in the world (he somehow omitted the escalating crime rate and the terrible poverty). A limo pulls up to a bunch of maniac fans and Paula stumbles out looking drunk with a smile painted on her face. Simon pretends to smile, but is just trying really hard to not make it obvious how much he hates this show now. And then there's Randy and he's still fat but now has weird facial hair and sideburns. Lame...whatever...let's get to the singing...
...now I found that it would be best to divide up my recap of these early rounds with just little quick tidbits on the individuals I found stood out. They will all be placed in three categories: The Good, the Bad, and the Fucking Insane. Let's start things off on a positive note, shall we?
THE GOOD
Joey Something- I didn't catch this guy's last name. He comes in blabbering about how he used to weight like one million pounds and how now he only wears half a million. Whatever, shut up and sing. He starts doing his best impression of Adam Levine from Maroon 5 as he sings "Sunday Morning" and even though I think he sounds just a little TOO much like Mr. Levine, it's still good andthe judges let him throught...though not before Simon makes several scathing comments about him still being a fat slob.
Angela Martin- Now this girl I am putting my mark on right now...I'ma be watching her closely. Ok...ok...ok...we are given the Nikki McKibbin/Fantasia/LaKisha sob-story about having a baby when she was a teenager, but in one of those videos where the Idol staff go to the homes of the contestants (which seems incredibly biased to me, but whatever), it is revealed that the very beautiful 26-year-old Ms. Martin has an equally beautiful daughter who suffers from a syndrome similar to cerebral paulsy. If that wasn't heartbreaking enough, she is surrounded by a whole horde of friends and family that love each other more than I love "Dreamgirls" (which is A LOT), and then she rips my heart out by saying that she doesn't even care about the fame, she cares about getting the best medical attention for her daughter possible. From this point on, she could sound like a strangled bullfrog (or even worse, Mikalah Gordon) and I would still call in and vote for her. In her audition she sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours)" ala Sanjaya Malakar, only she kills it and reaffirms my thoughts that she will be one of the lucky contestants that I will become dangerously obsessed with this year (maybe even my next Jennifer Hudson/Elliott Yamin/LaKisha Jones!?!). Then she gets through, Simon tells her to try not to sound like a wedding singer and then makes a weird but fucking awesome comment about how he doesn't feel happy for people when good things happen to those other than himself.
Kristy Lee Cook- Maybe the next Kellie Pickler? I dunno...she's a country kinda girl (though she's from Oregon). She raises horses and sells them or some shit like that. She loves horsies, fishing, her log cabin and....cage fighting? I dunno, she doesn't really explain it and Simon immediately assumes she's somesort of Jello-wrestling hussy. But she has a nice smile and beautiful blonde locks and sings "Amazing Grace" like LeAnn Rimes would sing it with country twang to boot. Aside from her hideous shirt which looks soaked in deep red blood, she is spot-on and the judges send her through...though I doubt another pretty blonde country girl will win this year....BITCH, we already gots a Carrie Underwood!
THE BAD
James Lewis- So this guy was badnews from the second he stepped into the room. With his tiny head and his bigass suit he looks very oddly porportioned. He's a tourguide to someplace and said that he loves interacting with people...uh huh, that's really unique. He claims that his voice is similar to Eddie Vedder, which I find incredibly unlikely considering there isn't another person in the world that has a voice like Eddie Vedder, but I digres. He starts singing in front of the judges, and I swear I don't even know what fucking song he is singing...all I can really hear is a gorilla wailing at the top of its lungs while half its face it paralyzed on novicane. I swear to God between his bellows and Randy and Paula flipping their shit and crying, I had no idea what was going on. Of course Simon calls on the hysterical Randy who has shieled his manscaped face behind a pile of paper and he can barely get a word in by his gasps for air. The poor dude then asks the judges what he can work on and instead of telling him they just laugh in his face and he lives. Oh, he's gonna come back next year, he tells Ryan. Yeah...good luck.
Temptress Browne- Winning the silver (just behind Angela Martin) for most heart-wrenching story is the very buff Temptress. She's a large girl with an even larger mother. Both women are very sweet though and Temptress proceeds to tell us how due to her mother's medical problems and her personal dreams for success, she has decided to come onto Idol. Now, I nearly crapped myself when I found out that she is only 16, cuz girl looks like she is a 29-year-old belter. I flipped out even more when she mentions that she is a star on her school's football team. AND she loves cats!?!? This girl kicks major ass. Now sadly, as I could have predicted, she was a crappy singer (though she did sing Jennifer Hudson!!!). But no worries, she cries and then the judges and her entire family have a huge group hug and it's touching and I love her.
Kristine Tulisano- ok, so here's this girl with Princess Lea cinnamon rolls on her ears, a huge silver STAR WARS belt and the irritating habit of saying "DUUHHHHHHHHHHHH" after every single sentence...I know she woke make it through...her grandparents know she won't make it through...hell, even she probably knows she won't make it through, but she goes into the audition room anyway. She blathers about loving Star Wars too much and how she is going to force her kids to live with a name based off of a ficticious character. She then comments on how "men love her" and I do not want to press that topic any further. Oh...and she admits that she has an acne problem...what the hell? Ok, so Kristine and her black fishnet stockings go trodding into the audition room and make awkward conversation with the judges about...guess what...STAR WARS. blah blah...She then starts to sing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" and I'm jazzed cuz I love that song and she actually is kinda good and......oh wait...oh god...nevermind. She starts to really suck and it turns into a bloody mess. After the judges say she is worthless she starts to cry about how she's "such a dork" and how she wants them to "pay attention to the voice within" and blah blah blah, and she seems to gather her marbles together and leave with some dignity. But the second she steps out of the room she starts bitching about how no one sees her and all people see are the dorky outside and blah blah blah. Bitch, go get some therapy. I fucking hate these introverted, dorky individuals that are all about being proud of themselves, but whenever anything goes bad for them they immediately get all defensive and try to act all beligerent about how tough their lives off. Shut up. No one cares. You suck.
THE FUCKING BIZARRE
Yuka- Also known as "Sexy Face" by female friends of his (supposedly), this interesting guy starts stuttering and bantering about a wide variety of topics that I can't really comprehend. It's not his fault, he just doesn't speak English that well, but I then question why he would audition for an American singing competition where he will be forced to sing in English and be interviewed constantly. He's a sweet kid though, if just a little misguided. He butchers "How Deep Is Your Love?" by the Bee Gees and confuses the judges terribly. Paula tries to compliment him and says that she is impressed with how he "phonetically" learned the song. I'm like, bitch...he has a hard enough time speaking to you in normal conversation...do you think he knows what you mean by "phonetically"??? Give the kid a break. Simon wants Paula to cut the shit and says he sucks. Bye.
Alexis Cohen- In what could be confused as a semi-blind crackwhore who somehow snuck into the Idol auditions, Ms. Cohen is like something out of a high school anti-drug health class video. She is wearing this weird sparkling gray makeup all over her eyes and face with a matching dull chalk-colored lipstick. Her teeth are as yellow as her mental stability is rocky and she calls herself both an "artist" and a "pirate"...yeah. She lives with her mother in a single room apartment and two cats and a dog cuz she is going to school to be a veternarian. She does what all the female contestants that dress up like Halloween costumes do and defends her attire as her own personal style that's unique...aka stupid and not cute. She claims to sounds like Janis Joplin which I can kinda see with her raspy-two packs of cigarettes a day-voice. She starts to sing that "Don't You Want Somebody To Love?" song and it isn't that terrible, but her voice just isn't cut out for Idol...and by her voice I mean her entire volatile demeanor and bizarre self-image. Simon says that she seemed to be a little possessed by the song and that she would probably do well fronting some sort of band. Paula and Randy agree and everything seems to be cool. Oh wait, nevermind. She leaves the room and like a light switch being turned on, freaks the fuck out. She screams. She flips the bird. She accuses Simon of mocking her, which isn't true...he could have been A LOT meaner. SHe runs around the Idol audition building screeching and then her mother steps in the frame and calls Simon dumb for being British? I dunno. The crackbaby doesn't fall far from the cracktree I guess. She curses some more and like tries to lick the camera and basically shatters any chance she has at ever getting a real job.
Ben Harr- I knew this dude was bad news when he showed up earing a long cloak like some character out of Lord of the Rings. He refuses to tell Ryan what is underneath, claiming that it's for the judges to see. I now start to jog my memory to see if he maybe was a reject from a past season, coming back to seek vengance on the judges...maybe there is a rocket launcher under that cape? Hm...well. He steps into the room and Simon basically vetos him right from the get-go, and rightfully so. Cuz when the douche takes off his cloak he is basically not wearing anything other than a breatplate, some sort of roman skirt and his Idol number-tag covering his fat and bulbous body. I love Simon, because he doesn't even try to humor the guy. He's all like, "just cut the crap and get out". By Paula thinks she will play devil's advocate and tells him that it's not the mounds of fatty flesh or the fact he isn't wearing clothes that is offensive, but his CHEST HAIR?! And though there is much pleading from Simon, both her and Randy offer this idiot a second chance, if he comes back with a cleanly shaven torso. What the fuck has this contest come to? He waddles off and gets a waxing, which is conveniently available in the next room and returns. Oh...he's still fat. And he doesn't even get the first two words of "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls out, before Simon forces him to leave.
well those were the highlights for tonight's auditions. Let's hope tomorrow brings some more talent and some even more crazies!
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