Dallas Auditions

We open today to see that we're in Dallas today...oh boy. We are reminded that Kelly "Stuff Like That There" Clarkson was from this town and won the show then won two Grammys and basically ruled the world (before releasing "My December"...BOO!!!). We're shown a stupid powerpoint montage of girls in cowboy hats, nice houses, screaming douches and cattle. Then there's this big old mess of a drag queen (?) that looks like a fatter less masculine version of P!nk that says "Everything's bigger in Texas!". Haha...shut up. 4 bajillion people are screaming and then some woman gives birth and curses the poor child with the name "Idol". Simon is wearing his "too low cut" t-shirt, Paula is in some hideous red floral dress and Randy is still fat. And now the auditions begin!


The Good

Jessica Brown- now I instantly like this girl, because instead of being like every whiny bitch who comes in crying about how cruel the world has been to them, she openly admits that she digs drugs and was a teenage mother. Good for you girl...even though your mugshots looking unfortunately like those of Jessica "Total Eclipse of the Heart" Sierra. She then talks about loving that shitty Carrie Underwood song "Jesus, Take the Wheel" and I role my eyes and yawn. There is a shot of her mom (aka her older sister...she's gorgeous) and her beautiful baby. She wants to be a martyr for druggies everyone. Ok...she is going to sing that Pretenders' song that Gina Glocksen rocked out to last season, "I'll Stand By You". She is ok...if not a little hesitant. There's a close-up of Paula looking absolutely dreadful with a ring the size of a small village. Simon thought she made the song interesting. Randy thought it was pitchy but "not bad". They don't let Paula say shit. Oh...she's through. She gets hugs by her entire family who all look exactly like her.

Alaina Whitaker- Looks kinda like Carrie Underwood a little if you squint. She sings country and auditions with some lame Faith Hill song...oh wait, that's all of them. She sounds good, if not a little too much like Carrie. She gets into it...closes her eyes, clenches her fists and lifts her head skyward. Simon says she's ok, but not as good as she thinks...to which she replies that she can sing some Celine Dion if they want...no bitch, they say you're not as good as you think, aka, don't try to take on an even more talented singer. Paula say she has a power to her voice that is a little much...but she is still going through. They all hug and can I just say that I right now notice how fucking cute Ryan looks today with his black hoodie. Aw!

Pia Easley- Fauxhawk wearing model/singer that struts in with more sass than LaKisha. She sings some Gladys Knight song and she has this kind of rough, semi-masculine tone to her voice that is really engaging. Simon cracks a little smile and says it is great and that he loves her. Paula likes her too aka wishes to be her. Randy loves her. I'm glad this girl came about now...cuz I have yet to see someone this episode that actually was really awesome. I love her though she is sporting a Stephanie Edwards hairdo and has some out-of-control dangling earrings. I'd love to hear her blast some Janis Joplin...FINGERS CROSSED!

Brandon Green- Kinda cute in a poorly shaven kinda way with a cute vest and...omfg, ew. Scratch that. He has a collection of FINGERNAILS. They are nasty ass brown nails that Ryan like pukes at seeing. That is the most vile thing in the world...worse than "Two Girls One Cup"...well, almost. In his audition, he says that he doesn't want to be like Brit Brit or Paris Hilton, aka keeps his underwear on. The judges are very skeeved about his fingernail obsession as well. He will be singing "Rich Girl" by Gwen...oh, Hall & Oates. I would be very amused to hear the former, but whatever. Wow, and he is actually kinda good too. He has Elliott Yamin kinda flow, snapping his fingers and making a really steady beat. Damn. Simon thinks it is forgettable? It's not...whatever. Paula likes it, duh. Randy thought it was alright and tries to talk with musical jargon. Randy tries to like stir up some bizarre drama with Simon and no one understands so he just embarrasses himself. Whatever...he and his filthy nails are going through.

Kayla Hatfield- She is from some horse farm somewhere and she has two adorable kids. She talks very softly...almost eerily like that old bitch with the baby voice from those "Poltergeist" films. We're then shown a photo of a mangled car as Kayla tells us that she was in a terrible car accident that like almost killed her. Is she bummed that she has scarring on her face? Not at all. She's a trooper and I like her and not even her pseudo-hippy attire or manic hand twitches could deter that. She's cute. She sings "Another Little Piece of My Heart", score one for her. When she growls she is good but all the actually singing is kinda apprehensive, like a girl standing up and doing karaoke for the first time and being half-excited for it and half-terrified. Like, she almost gets really into it, but then restrains herself at the fear of embarrassment. Simon says that for an hour a day he wants to be her (???). He puts her though, which I wasn't seeing. Paula, totally says what I just said about her apprehension and says NO. Simon has it hard for her and tries to convince Randy and...it works. Randy is this season's Paula. She freaks and everyone hugs her. Paula looks really miserable that her vote was vetoed.

Kady Malloy- Cute girl who does vocal impressions...and does a pretty awesome one of Britney Spears (the song she sings is "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" and I hate myself for knowing that). She then sings for her audition "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Under-Bot and sounds JUST like Carrie to which Simon calls her out on her copy-catting, telling her to just sing like herself. She then plays fucking roulette with her chances and sings Simon's favorite song, "Unchained Melody"...and she is pretty good. She has a well-rounded lower tone that I really enjoy. The judges agree and Simon says that she is best this season...Randy says that she isn't the best...Paula says something stupid about being herself. Then Kady, her cute little face and sweet demeanor takes her golden ticket.

Kyle Ensley- Oh no. This is gonna be a disaster. This poor individual is wearing a white button down, a huge red tie and a goofy smile. He says that his aspiration in life is to be the governor of Oklahoma. Ok...The producers of this show are very cruel people as they make a whole video montage of this kid making a fool of himself by structuring it like some sort of political advertisement. It's times like this that I wonder what this kid must be thinking right now as he watches this at home. What will come tomorrow? Will he being laughed at mercilessly by everyone he knows? Will his family disown him? Wait, wait wait...I haven't even seen the audition, he could very well be awesome and be sent through. Oh fuck it, who am I kidding. Let's get this shit on the road. He's singing "Somebody to Love" by Queen. He actually is kinda good, though a little amateurish. He is a little flat at some points, but isn't that bad! I eat my words! Pass the humble pie please! Simon says YES. Randy thought it was stupid and "academic" whatever that means. Paula is melting at his smile. Simon asks him "you wouldn't do what Clay Aiken did, like do weird things with your hair and wear red-letter jackets." hahahahahahhahaha I LOVE it when the judges trash-talk former contestants....it's probably my favorite thing in the entire world ever. Paula says YES! Awesome! I'm actually shocked for the first time ever by this show!

Colton Swan- A punky pseudo-good-looking spiky haired rocker who "kinda" plays the guitar. First, I love his name. Second, he is in a band with his brother. And then he sings some song I've never heard of. His audition reminds me very much of Chris Daughtry's...only more nasally and poppy. Paula thought it was good but wished she could gaze into his eyes more. Simon thought it was a "bar performance". Randy digged it. he's going through, but not before Randy gives him the kiss of death: "Make sure you improve in Hollywood." BURN! Whenever the judges say that I always wince, cuz you know that there must be some sort of quota that they have to meet of people they let through, and eventually they need to start being more lenient on the contestants, so they let some just OK singers in. And it's like their secret way of telling them "Hey, if you auditioned earlier today, you wouldn't have made it, so fucking watch yourself punk, cuz we''ll be gunning for your ass in Hollywood." Poor kid, he doesn't have a chance.

Drew Poppelreiter- He's some country bumpkin who is a less snaggle-toothed and more literate version of Bucky "Oh Boy" Covington. He lives on a farm and loves his family. How many fucking people are we gonna see like this!? He will be singing some George Strait song I've never heard...obviously. His voice is good in a doafy kind of country way. He's a nice kid though and is very respectful and has a great smile. Simon instantly shits on his dreams though Randy does defend him. Paula doesn't see star quality...but of course she says yes. And he goes out there and hugs his sister and is real cute...he just needs to lost the camouflage hat.

Nina Shaw- First off...she is gorgeous...second, she is from the same town as Kelly Clarkson. Third, she is wearing a flower in her hair and not in an irritating Jasmine Trias kind of way. "Run To You" by Ms. Houston. Hmmm...good luck girl...well, she is actually kind of good. She has a smooth tone and Simon throws her the "cabaret" and "old-fashioned" bones and she starts singing that "Feeling Good" song and it is kinda jazzy and Randy brings up Amy Winehouse for some reason and I'm like...keep Wino outta your mouth. She can out-sing all this fools. Randy loves her...Simon hates her. Paula says YES...DUH...she is so predictable and Simon makes fun of the fact that Paula has only said "no" to one person out of like 3 million. Ha.


The Bad

Paul Stafford- Before his audition everyone is cheering for him as he squats up and down and lumbers around trying to be all like "look, I'm fat...and dancing! hahaha". It's embarrassing and I die a little inside. He mows grass and dusts off a baseball diamond for a living. Ryan makes awkward conversation with him and then makes him dance some more and it's painful. He is a member of the American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts...whatever that is. He's a big dork. And he will be singing.........ELLIOTT "my boyfriend" YAMIN's "WAIT FOR YOU"......ahhh! I bug out and scream and laugh as Elliott and Chris Daughtry count their money while Katharine McBulimia and Taylor Sucks cry and apply for jobs at WalMart. Paul? He blows and is smiling like a goon. The judges think it's goofy and make fun of his mannerisms. Paula says it's "good". Simon tells him that he was an idiot for singing in public and that his family is a bunch of deceitful liars for letting him go on. Paula calls it "joyful". They say that they really like him...blah blah, he sucks, shut up. Also, from where Simon is sitting, the backdrop of Carrie Underwood singing looks like she is about to take a huge bite out of his head.

Beth Maddocks- Some girl with huge hoop earrings and an eyebrow piercing. She loves Kelly Clarkson, but doesn't want to be her...and good for her. Even though she is like Nikki McKibbin/Gina Glocksen caliber kooky, I kinda dig her...AND she's singing "Beautiful Disaster" by Ms. Clarkson, which is a great song that everyone should know. YAY! Oh...no, she kinda blows a little...a lot. She keeps trying to sing high and it's all warbled and Simon asks her how the fuck she can be a singing waitress...cuz she sucks. She leaves and her friends don't even pretend to be surprised that she didn't make it.

Angela Reilley- She's kind of spacey, but I think it's just nerves. This cutie comes in with a beautiful beet-red kimono dress on and talks unenthusiastically about her recent wedding and how "awesome" it was. She's actually a very beautiful girl. And she's married to a model...who is smoking. Randy says "just like me and Simon!" Shut up. She is overly animated and probably would be good in the role of Penny Pingleton in a VERY OFF-Broadway production of "Hairspray". Her jacked husband cheers her on and his gigantic biceps overtake my entire line of vision. Simon says that it's a good thing that her husband loves her (cuz no one will ever love her voice). She squeals like a parakeet. She then sings "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". It sucks...Simon tries to get her husband to say she blows...but he won't...Aw! Randy then puts the awful image of him in a speedo in my head and it's gross and disturbing and I puke.

Tammy Tuzinski- She's a space-cadet...she loves Celine Dion, who gives her "warmth"...ew. Now this could very well be just the way the video is edited (damn you devilish producers!), but she seems to take 10 seconds to speak between each sentence and it is a little disconcerting. She is singing that annoying "Power Of Love" song that I can't fucking stand. Wait...she is singing another song. I'm confused. Ok, she starts singing again and it is very bland and weird. The poor girl is really nervous and she knows she is bombing. The judges all say NO but not before FORCING HER TO ADMIT SHE BLOWS. They are such pricks sometimes....I love it. Ryan than adds insult to injury by grabbing her by the next the second she leaves the room and saying "the dream isn't alive". What the hell?

Kyle Rennick- Ok...so I guess this is going to be the force-fed rocker this season. He thinks he's a hard-rocker...and he wants to rock it. But in all honesty, he seems more R.J. Helton than Chris Daughtry...if you catch my drift. He has some home-made Hot Topic clothes and is wearing eye-liner and is just really uncomfortable and way to full of himself. His ego is as big as his skin is orange. He is kind of a poser...like he is trying be a rocker, but can't even name three bands that don't have a DJ and at least one gay member. They show him dancing like Ryan Seacrest at the discotech on a Saturday night before he pathetically says "Rock Out...WooWoo". Oh god...this could very well be LITERALLY a bloodbath, cuz I think Simon just might shoot himself in the face after this kid. He comes in with a poster of all these little kids he watches over at some camp or something, giving metal-horns and for a second, I don't find him completely detestable. And what is the ROCK SONG he will stun the world with??? My Chemical Romance? Linkin Park? Backstreet Boys?????? What? "NEVER AGAIN" by Kelly Clarkson?!?!? That's rock? oh god...this so annoying. Simon asks if he tortures his children with it? He called it demonic and dumb. Kyle tries to defend himself. He completely has lost his punky-full of himself attitude. Simon thinks his eyes are hideous. Oh no...he starts singing again...I hate it when the contestants do that, even though the judges are all like "just stop just stop for the love of Kelly Clarkson, just fucking stop!" they still sing and it's embarrassing and pathetic.


The Fucking Bizarre

Bruce Dickson- Very fucking creepy. He's kinda cute, though his dad is terrifying and has instilled in his son this weird fear of women...but it gets real bizarre. Now, the young could-be stud has a chain around his neck with a key. His father...has the corresponding lock heart...let the strangeness and uncomfortable feelings that this evokes sink in. He explains it like this: dad will give the heart to his wife and something something weird metaphor blah blah no one cares. Then it is revealed that this poor chap hasn't even kissed a girl and then Ryan makes some remark to his dad like "well let's just see how long that lasts if he gets to Hollywood." Then the father is all like "well you'll look after him right?" and Ryan blatantly admits that he will try and seduce him: "Oh you won't want that. I just kissed a girl today." Yeah...and by girl you mean your magazine cut-out collage of Zac Efron pictures. The judges think he is a nut for never kissing a girl. He is singing "Ain't No Sunshine" and sings it kinda pop-punky and it's pretty good. Very good actually. Damn...he could probably get any girl in his high school choir. Simon and Randy think his voice is good, but would sound like shit on the radio. Poor kid...I swear he would have gotten through if he sang some contemporary stuff...wait, you know, HE'D probably sound good singing that Elliott Yamin joint. Oh well. He asks for advice, Randy says "Kiss some girls" to which Simon adds "Yeah, but avoid Ryan on the way out." Ha! Burn...I love their bitch-fights!

Douglas Davidson- I instantly feel kinda bad for this guy. He's like a doughboy and is kinda dorky and he's probably been ripped on his entire life, so I'ma give him some slack. He says he wants to "restart his singing hobby", which is interesting I guess, cuz I wouldn't immediately think of him as a singer...maybe the lead bass in his high school choir, but not pop caliber. He is very scared about damaging his voice. He then tells us a very scary story about how his father always verbally assaults him whenever he catches him singing. He says "I hate you" and not in a joking way. Like seriously, "mother fucker, I fucking hate you." I really feel for this guy and I hope for his sake he's really awesome...even though I know he's gonna bomb cuz every preview they show before commercial breaks have a clip of him being forced out of the audition room. Damn. He does some warm-ups and the judges make fun of him and I am sad. He's doing "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. Oh boy...he is really bad, has no tone and isn't on any sort of beat. Randy says it is "the weirdest audition ever" though I beg to differ considering how fucked up yesterday's contestants were. I said this yesterday, but Paula is playing devil's advocate this season...she suggests that maybe he take a drink of water and try again. Ha...how cruel. He then starts walking in circles and sings again and it's really weird. He like gets in this weird trance where the judges' voices don't penetrate his weird zombie like state. Oh boy...just stop! This is painful and I am actually getting depressed. The judges aren't even humoring him. Paula tries to say that he projected better. SHUT UP PAULA! He then sings again. Two huge guidos pop out of nowhere and escort him outside. And he is still singing after he has left the room.

Renaldo Lupoz- Lame...Lame...this season's WIlliam Hung. This poor Asian guy can barely speak English and is dressed in some space-pimp coat with a fuzzy white hate and tinfoil cape. He is delusional and he says that people bow to him all the time. Aw...he's a sweet kid though. Ryan flirst with him for like ten seconds and tries to put his head on his crotch. Randy already starts hysterically laughing when this poor soul wanders into the room. He then starts talking about SImon and grins like a creep and everyone starts laughing and he has no idea why. Oh and he will be singing his own composition: "We're Brothers Forever". Great. He has a very loud voice...I didn't think he'd be good at all, but he isn't as bad as I expected. Beneath his heavy accent and his many white feathers all over his clothes, he has a strong voice. But this song never ends and the judges all start singing along and it is really fucking funny. Randy then starts dancing with him and grinning like a fool getting his picture taken with Mickey Mouse at DIsney world...phoney excited and kind of mocking the poor guy in the stuffy mouse suit. Ryan is then brought in to get in on this joke and starts singing with a clearly drunk Randy. Paula then starts dancing and pseudo-signing the lyrics. Simon is hysterically crying. I have NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. It's one part cruel, one part hilarious and one part terrifying. He gets aNO from SImon but a huge hug, which he deserves after that humilation. Renaldo then says he is a God or something...I dunno, I'm still reeling.




Well, that's it for Dallas. Let's hope next week has some better singers and less mentally-handicapped individuals being exploited for entertainment value.