Andrew Lloyd Webber night....hm...should be exciting, though I do wish they opened up the theme to be Broadway in general...but hey, ALW is good enough I guess. I don't know why people are always hating on him, but I like "Phantom of the Opera" and all those other musicals he wrote. Well...here we go...
David Archuleta- So the intro videos tonight consist of the Idols meeting ALW (who is quite mole-ish) on some huge-ass stage in the middle of an auditorium. It kind of looks like where they always have the season finale of the show and where Kelly Clarkson recorded her crappy video for "A Moment Like This". Anyway puppet David bounces out on stage and ALW informs us that he will be singing "Think Of Me" from "Phantom of the Opera". That song seriously kicks ass. Originally sung by Sarah Brightman in the original cast, ALW says that the song is meant for a diva. It's completely apparent that ALW isn't too thrilled about David singing this, considering that he says seriously like four times in one sentence how he can't imagine a boy attempting it. David is all like "I'm scared all the time, but I'm cute, and I'm singing the song differently and stuff," and ALW is like "well, I never thought I'd hear something like THAT in all my life" and then he punches him in the face. Then comes the first of many critical comments encased in a snide delivery: He says he has two bits of advice for David...1. open his eyes, and 2. open his eyes. Ha. David laughs and says that he doesn't want to open his eyes! Yeah! ALW says that "little David" has a real "musical soul" to him, or some crap and then says that he just must keep his eyes open. ALW couldn't possibly watch someone sing with CLOSED EYES!?! "Are you crazy? How can you watch someone with closed eyes?!?!?!?...like, I don't know what backwards-ass Podunk town you grew up in...but here, in L.A. we sing with our eyes OPEN. Thank you indeed."
I am excited to see David sing this, mainly to see if he does the awesome high-notes and scales at the end of the song, which I know he won't, but I still build myself up to believe he will attempt. I immediately have mixed feelings about the song. There is an acoustic guitar player strumming along and the beat that David starts singing on makes the song sound less like an Andrew Lloyd Weber tune, and more like some sort of gentle-urban-boy-band-ballad-with-Latino-roots. He is wearing a confusing get-up consisting of khakis, a short white button-down, a thin black tie and a homeless man's jacket. I love how they try to dress the little Muppet up in these clothes as if it won't make him like ten anymore. He does some nice ad libs to some lines...extends notes, throws in some cute runs...it's nice. Getting over the fact that I feel like his arrangement of the song pales in comparison to the awesomeness of how the original was sung, he does add some sweet soul charm to it that I think more or less works for him. And good work ALW in stapling Archie's eyes open...they are quite beautiful. He looks a little frozen in his tracks. To his left there is this funny little conductor men bouncing up and down and his position on the stage is completely unnecessary, but they pimp him out there anyway because it's BROADWAY!!!! Then David more or less flubs a line, but wisely (or luckily?) his voice goes low so it sounds more like he is just hitting some indistinguishable notes as opposed to butchering the lyrics (oh...that will come later...mwuahahahaha). Then David throws in some words that seriously never show up in the original song ("Think of me, no matter what I choose to doo-oooo-ooooo")...then there's the build-up for the awesome high-pitch scales and of course he doesn't do it, but instead does some belting runs and it's cool I guess.
The audience claps like seals and we see ALW in the audience (not at the judge's table?!?!) and he looks terrifying and pissed. Randy thinks that he can sing anything (even the phonebook!?!?). He liked the soul infusion he injected into the song...he says David's "the one to beat". Blah blah. Paula thinks it's perfect...he took a risk and she loved that she turned it into a pop ballad. I don't, but he still sang well. Simon thought it was pleasant...one of his weaker performances though. I can concur to that. He'll be safe, but it was slightly forgettable, I hear ya Simon.
My Grade: B+
David Cook- He will be singing "Music of the Night" which is like the calling card for "Phantom of the Opera". He grew up doing musical theater...so blah blah. ALW starts to come onto Cook and is all like...this song is sexy...NOW SING IT TO ME! It's vaguely creepy and Cook is beyond skeeved out. ALW then tells Cook to have sex with underage girls and Cook's all like...what? Cook admits that "staring longingly" into ALW's eye wasn't the most comfortable of situations and ALW thinks that if he "comes out of himself" it MIGHT work. Gee...don't be too confident in him, ALW...ha.
Cook is wearing what looks to be baggy pajamas and an ugly coat. His voice right from the get-go irritates me slightly. Whereas Archuleta sang the song a little too differently, Cook is singing this just how the Phantom does. Even his voice sounds different tonight...like he is trying to make it sound like Gerard Butler from the movie. I dunno...I openly admit that I am overly critical of him. He hits the big note in the middle dead-on and makes that weird wind-blown face. It's weird to see David singing a slow song like this without a guitar or any of the usual get-up he brings along with his performances. A little boring, I still think he sang it well. Especially when he says "music that [pause] I write". mmm...good! He belts at the end and throws his goofy rocker thing in there.
Randy thought it was "amazing" and "unbelievable" which I think is going a little far. It was a "molten-hot-lava-bomb" to be specific...thanks Randy. Paula thinks he has a great "instrument"...haha skank. Simon hates this goofy fake side of David (isn't that every side?) but thinks that he did the best that he could do with it. Then Ryan sings and it's not as terrible as one may think. Blah.
My Grade: B
Syesha (super)Mercado- So she will be singing some song I've never heard before..."One Rock & Roll Too Many"??? No idea, but after hearing her just sing the title of the song...I'm in love. She tells us that she LOVES Broadway and glitz and the delicious flamboyancy of it all. She asks ALW if she should be "animated and stuff" with her performance and he's all like "duh". She then snaps back and is like "well...this is American Idol...not Broadway, you hack," and he asks her to shut the fuck up and then sing both versions. The American Idol version is boring and lame and uninteresting and of course, the Broadway version is stellar and ALW is all like "choose the latter."ALW actually looks really excited and thinks that Syesha is gonna rock this bitch and make it funny and lively and witty and engaging...all things that American has been missing this season. You know...side note...if they kept David Hernandez, you would have had the sassy spice...but America sucks and would rather keep Kristy Lee Cook around to must up the place. Boo!
I digress though...Syesha starts what will soon become one of my fav Idol performances EVER on top of a piano. Her back is to the camera and all we see is her silhouette. Like a scene from "Chicago" she casually starts snapping her fingers before singing and then she does this sexy little spin and BAM! Wow...she looks flawlessly gorgeous. Like a prom night Rihanna, her hair is slicked down and her ta-tas are popping out of that sweet little dress she's working like a model. Mmmm....maybe she won't be boring this week! She makes these cute little faces and puts her hands up and is animated and wonderful. It reminds me of Kelly Clarkson's "Stuff Like That There" from first season, where she got all dolled up and really worked the song. Unlike some other contestants, Syesha isn't just singing some stupid ALW song...she is really performing it. She then gets on her knees and slides off the piano, which I was wondering how she was gonna handle considering her dress is mad short and uh...she can't stay on the piano all performance. Her tone is jazzy and sexy and she has these wonderful little belts every now and then. She twists and shimmies and shakes and flirts with the conductor and homeless guitar place. There is an awesome key change with tinkering piano and it is all too much for me to handle. AHHHHHHHH! By far my favorite performance this entire season!
Randy is smiling like a perv and thinks that she could be a Broadway star and that it was her best performance so far. Paula thinks that this is a "big part of her love" and that this is her "happy place"...uh...huh...Paula, we're not five. And we're not retarded. We are not retarded five-year-olds. Simon thought it was steamy and hot but not slutty. He thinks it's one of her strongest performances and then she grimaces for some reason. Paula starts to say something and the music cuts her off...she then flirts with the conductor...shut up! Talk more about how perfect Syesha was!
My Grade: A+
Jason Castro- Song Jason will be singing "Memory" which, I think considering Jason's singing style is seriously the only song from ALW's cataloge that would fitting for him. It's quiet...it's kind of weak...it's not too difficult. ALW starts laughing at him...haha. He tries to explain the context of the song to Castro...it's about cats singing for some reason...confusing enough as it is, but throw in Castro's perpetual state of being high and no one knows what's going. ALW is a queen and starts to 2nd guess Castro's intelligence and it's funny. He thinks Jason has made a very brave (aka stupid) choice to sing this song and he admits that he doubts Castro heard a single thing he said. Ha. Castro reveals that he's mad nervous...AW!
For once he isn't wearing women's blazers and is actually wearing a man's suit. He has on the tightest pants in the entire world. His voice is really whispery...like always. But it also has very little emotion behind it. I think that this is the first weeks where he is COMPLETELY out of his element...and it shows. He seems to over-think the performance and his voice just sounds shaky and vapid. He fails at the low notes. And he knows it's going down in flames. When he hits some higher notes, it sounds fragile and semi-decent, but all in all, this is a complete disaster. He looks constipated as well...like in pain, and it is too awkward and weird for me to handle.
He knows he's effed as he steps up to the judges. Randy thinks that it was a "trainwreck"...but likes that he has dreads? He sees him singing a Jack Johnson song better...Randy...it's Andrew Lloyd Weber week. Not Jack Johnson week. What's the point with this comment? Paula agrees and like she always does when she wants to say something critical, she starts blabbering about nothing. She says that everyone is used to hearing this song sung by a female balladeer and that since he isn't one, it didn't work. Okay Paula, but then how was Archuleta able to do it on a song that is five times more difficult than "Memory"??? She then turns it into a backhanded compliment that "further identifies his unique being"...what? She thinks it sounded like "You Are So Beautiful" and no one agrees with him. It was the longest two-minutes of Simon's life. He compares it to a forced wedding performance. Everyone was miserable and unhappy and that it was a struggle. And Castro never argues once.
My Grade: D+
Carly Smithson- So in an interesting bit of song choice...she will be singing "Jesus Christ Superstar". At first, she was gonna be singing "All I Ask Of You" from Phantom, but then ALW shot her down. And good thing...he thinks that because she has a "big chest voice" (heh) and that she should do something a little less wimpy. Ha. Good call. He loves Carly and her Irish eyes and let's get this shit on the road!
She comes out wearing some weird rug as a dress that I really don't dig. The horns start things up and Carly busts out with her brassy belting and she is dead-on for most of the song. She over-hits some of the notes and they make me cringe a little bit. All in all though...it's really good. During the chorus, the back-up singers sing the melody and she sings every other note and it's really awesome. There are hippy lights flashing all over the place and it's a flashy, glammy utopia. She belts real big at the end and it's good to see her really on point.
Randy thinks that it was good and that he loves her doormat outfit. Paula thought it was unexpected. She was a little nervous that it would be too high for her...and I'm like...Paula, you know nothing about music. Simon thought that even though it was quite screechy in some places, that it was one of his favorite performances of the night. Carly flips a shit cuz for once the judges are targeting her with heat-seeking missiles. She runs off stage and comes back with this shirt that reads "Simon Loves Me (This Week)" and it's cute and I still am kind of in love with Carly. Mmmmm...
My Grade: B
Brooke White- She will be singing one of my favorite movie songs ever! "You Must Love Me" written for the "Evita" movie is an absolutely beautiful (and heart-breaking) song and she better not mess it up...she meets ALW and looks really pretty. ALW thinks she sounds phony and tries to tell her about the story of the song and how depressing it is. Basically he wants to rain on her parade and make her sad and hate life. He thinks she could be a great actress or something. I dunno.
Ok...so here we go. The performance starts and she gets two lines into it. She then flubs some lyrics (barely though...like I wouldn't have even noticed) and she stops cold in her tracks and says sorry and signals the conductor to start again. It's awkward and very uncomfortable and when the song restarts, it doesn't get much better. Like, her voice is okay, but she just seems shaken and off her center. I remember her being such a confident performer, but recently, she's been getting so nervous. She lacks the power of her voice that she had earlier this season. She doesn't really handle the low notes well and she looks kind of clueless on stage. It's a shame, cuz I love this song and I think that if she was a little more focused, so could have totally brought it home. Not to pull a Paula, but she does look very pretty. She stands up near the end and holds her arm up in the air and it's rigid and weird.
Randy thought that it wasn't that good. He thought that she believed in what she was singing, which is good. Paula tries to pretend she's a real musician and is all like "you must never start and stop" and I'm like...what? Who are you to say that. If she wasn't comfortable, who cares if she starts over...it's better than continuing to mess up because you are so caught up on a bum note or effed um line. Paula then starts blabbering about her ability to pick up her pieces and that she didn't overact and that she appreciated how genuine her emotions were. Simon loved how dramatic it was but that it totally threw her out of her zone of confidence. He thinks Paula is wrong and that it was wise of her to stop and restart the song. Haha...then Randy chimes in and they both say that Paula is stupid. heheheh. It's true.
My Grade: C
Safe?
- David Archuleta cuz he's a CuTiE!!!!111!!!11!
- Syesha superMercado for delivering the best performance this season!
In Danger?
- Brooke White for flubbing lyrics and restarting and being scared crapless.
- Castro, opposite of Syesha, for delivering one of the worst perfomances this season
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Top 7 - Mariah Carey Songs
I don't think anyone would argue that last week's ousting of Michael Johns was a complete shocker. And also completely stupid...way to go America. I'm so glad will still have Kristy though...cuz like...she's not a bad singer or anything. Anyway...Tuesday was Mariah Carey night...which would seem to promise to be a bizarre, drug-induced slaughter....but in all honesty, it turned out much better than expected.
David Archuleta- David is grasped into the Diva's spidery embrace and the poor kid never even had a chance. He is so small and puppet-like compared to Mariah who towers over him like some sort of behemoth . And I swear that smile is permanently painted onto her face. David yaps about how scared he was to be in Ms. Carey's holy presence....blah blah...I have a feeling that the intro. videos this week are basically just going to be a collection of suck-ups for Mariah where everyone talks about how perfect she is in every way. David against reminds me why he shouldn't speak by waving his arms around and gushing about how much he loves Mariah's music...and the diva only looks semi-interest and plays with her hair. Like some sort of queen..."yes yes yes...I am done with you. Bring in the court jester!" Of course David is singing "When You Believe" which is kind of boring and totally cheesy. Mariah tells him to go up into his falsetto...which is actually a smart decision...I think that even though she's a little mental...she does know a thing or two about music....which automatically makes her a better guest judge than Jennifer Lopez from last season.
The performance starts zoomed in on the string section and they are ominous and terrifying. Aside from his plethora pants and awkward graphic tee, Archuleta delivers a decent performance. As always. His vocals are spot-on and he squats on the heavy belting notes and the background singers are swaying behind him. He looks on the verge of tears...as always, and doesn't really move around that much...because his father forgot the remote control today, and is forced to controlling David from above in the rafters with his ventriloquist strings. Near the end, David goes into his falsetto, and it's a little off at first, but then works itself out and is more or less alright. He then does this cute run at the end and stares dreamily into the audience. and all the little girls start to scream and blah blah. Problem with David is the same thing that I felt was wrong with Melinda Doolittle...very good singer, but the performances just started getting old after awhile. This feels like every other performance he has done...I dunno, maybe it's just because he chooses songs that all sound like one another, in that pseudo-made-for-TV-movie-theme-song kind of way.
Randy wants David to "check it out" and then says that he picked one of the hardest Mariah songs ever and he worked it out...and he can sing anything (probably even the phonebook!). Paula blabbers about Mariah being proud and beaming and whatevs. Simon, like me, knew that David would pick this cutesy cheesy song too. He thinks that the guys will have an easier time tonight, since they won't be in direct comparison to Mariah. Then Ryan comes out and embarrasses David and tells America that he doesn't eat. Weird?
My Grade: A-
Carly Smithson- So let me start this off and say that Mariah and Carly already have met each other...back when Carly had a record out and Mariah told her she was great. Ha...so the two of them pretend to have never met each other before. Funny. Mariah was so super excited to meet Carly...duh! So she will be singing the den-mother of all Mariah songs..."Without You" that Kelly Clarkson sang first season. That's how epic this song is...only Ms. Clarkson has dared to tangle with its venomous key changes and vicious long notes. But can she work it out? Mariah thinks so. Carly calls Mariah cute and a "big sunshine ray" and we are shown a shot of Mariah looking vapidly at Carly like a mannequin. FREAKY!
She is standing next the the piano and the entire stage is bathed in blue, including Carly herself. The performance starts very very controlled and subdued. It's low and gentle and Carly really pays attention to every note with great precision. Even when she starts to belt, she keeps in all under wraps. But then the drums beat in and she lets it all lose and starts to make the goblin-face. That aside, I think her voice is beautiful and she does some minor belting ad-libs which are nice. She ends the performance on an extended-rising belt note. Wonderful!
Randy likes that she challenged herself...but he really didn't like her lower range...not "loosy goosy" enough. What does that even mean? Paula thought that she showed vocal restraint...ok, I'll agree. She thought Carly made it her own AW! Simon wanted her to sing it, but he didn't think she pulled it off, to which Carly looks off into the audience like "of course." The audience knows this is BS...and the start booing and yelling and Simon is all like "What a surprise to hear you lot booing"...to which I say, "What a surprise, Simon, to hear you unfairly crap all over Carly, while giving positive praise to idiots like Kristy Lee Cook." He thinks she's over-thinking everything. Then Paula says "you need to trust yourself" and Randy is like "You can do it!" It's like...shut up! SHE IS A GOOD SINGER! I really don't get the judges with her...this seems like the perfect voice for them to exploit with crappy ballads and terribly music videos...why are they convincing America otherwise?!?!?!?
My Grade: B+
Syesha (super)Mercado- She is singing some song that no one knows called "Vanishing". Mariah wrote it when she was teenager, which I can't even imagine. Quick note: they don't hug when Syesha runs into the room. Ha! Mariah stares at her while she sings...then starts singing herself and hits some sexy low notes. Mariah thinks she will "swing it home" to which Syesha starts to say "Oh LO!" and I'm like....STOP DOING THAT! RamenNoodles Maboobaloo is gone and never coming back! And that little saying was never cute. Cut it the fuck out.
So let's see if America will be as uninterested in Syesha as Mariah was. She starts the performance staring at the piano player. SHe is wearing bizarre garish tear-drop earrings. Her voice is low and well-controlled. The first half is really really nice. But then she starts to belt, and like always, gets a little away from the notes, and starts to sound like she is yelling. But then she does multi-repeating, stuttering belt that ends in a high-note! So fucking hot! The performance suddenly ends and everyone goes apeshit.
Randy thought it was "the toughest song of the night"...Was it even a song? It just sounded like non-stop belting...oh wait, that's every Mariah song. Paula slathers all over Mariah and then says that "Vanishing" isn't well-known which allows Syesha to avoid being compared to Mariah. Simon thinks that it is technically "very good", but then says it is stupid that she picked a song no one knew. But shut up Simon...you know damn well if she was to choose a song like "We Belong Together" that everyone and their mom knows, that you would puke all over her and say that it pale by comparison to the original. Stop hating on the semi-decent singers and start shitting on Kristy. Please?!?!?
My Grade: B
Brooke White- Earlier Tuesday, I was talking with a friend and we were trying to imagine which Mariah songs each of the contestants were going to sing. We totally called Carly doing "Without You" and I was totes like, "I'll bet you anything that Brooke will sing an acoustic or piano-driven version of 'Hero'," and dammit, I'm right! Her video has her seated with her guitar (Ug!). We find out that the song was actually originally written for Ms. Gloria Estefan...that's until Mariah realized the marketability of the track and took it for herself! Peace out bitch! I'm the bigger DIVA! Anyway...she is counseling Brooke in how to hit high notes that she doesn't have. Brooke smiles and is like..."uh huh..." Mariah thinks she really feels the lyrics...and Brooke says she just wants to "be real". Whatever.
She starts at the piano and in all honesty...the first half of the song, I think, is very good. Not paying attention to her hideous glitter dress/shirt. Her vocals are fragile and lonesome, but well-toned and they mesh well with the piano. But then comes the bridge, and aside from the beginning run, it starts to get really busted. Close-ups reveals Brooke shaking like a leaf...which is totally not like her. Her voice is wavering and her notes start to fall flat and the belts don't work themselves out. Ah! The performance started so well! Oh also...Brooke completely ignores Mariah's idiotic advice to go up high, which she has never done before. Wise choice!
Randy likes that she made the song "singer-songwriter"y...and was really digging it up until the bridge, where it just crumbled apart. Brooke totally understands and starts talking (STOP IT). Randy appreciated it though and of course Brooke is so fucking gracious that it makes me sick. Paula says she is "identifiable" and true to herself and that her performance was brave....she then says that she started to get ahead of the beat...which is not true at all whatsoever. Simon doesn't think she had any other song choice...considering that Mariah's voice is the polar opposite of Brooke's. Simon thinks that Brooke is a burger with no meat...Paula thinks that the bun was missing...however, Randy thinks all the condiments were missing. Seriously...they said this. Brooke understandably looks confused and even slightly annoyed at this terrible bantering of unintelligible "critiquing".
My Grade: B
Kristy Lee Cook- Mariah really enjoys Kristy singing "Forever"...cuz a lot of people don't know the song...so they won't know how bad she is butchering. Mariah then lies and says the her voice gave her goosebumps. Not true. Mariah has this pissed off look on her face and then she lies again and says that she like Kristy's version better than hers. What's funny though, is Mariah's facial expression when she says this is completely uninterested and she's like looking at a fly on the ceiling and leaning on the piano like she's waiting for a bus or something and just half-heatedly commented on a passerby's shoes. This means the world to Kristy though, and she turns "bright red" and Mariah clenches her teeth and is like "You did a really, really good job"...once again lying and not even trying to sound sincere. I love Mariah. Then Kristy wants to hug, and Mariah is like "uh huh" and then have this weird fake middle-school hug where your feet are like 6 feet apart from the other person's and you have your arms wrapped around each like it burns to touch the other person.
She is trying to be Carly and starts next to the piano. She looks almost pretty today. Her hair looks fake and her dress is tacky...but what else is new? I don't know this song. It starts off a little weird but (and I hate myself for this) it starts to get pretty good. Her country twang works well with the pace of the song and she hits nearly all the big notes perfectly. She shimmies herself back and forth and races her arms like she actually is Mariah. Anyway, she ends the performance with pretty awesome belted note and damn...it took like eight weeks, but Kristy has finally done a performance I liked.
Randy is just a surprised as I am that she can actually sing. She thinks she is finally "stepping up." Paula thinks Kristy is smart...wrong. She is "blown away" which I think is a little of an overstatement. She then pimps Mariah again as being a goddess of music and Simon tells her to shut up. He knows that Kristy was probably all like "oh fuck" which she heard it was Mariah week, which is totally not her cup of tea. Kristy then reminds us that she gave MC chills, and Simon is like...whatever, I hate you. He thinks she managed the song well enough...but she was whiny and that the performance wasn't great. Then Paula starts screaming about how beautiful everyone is...ha.
My Grade: B+
David Cook- He will be singing "Always Be My Baby" and he starts playing it on the guitar. Mariah stares at him like "um...what the fuck?!?" She then starts to kickass and does her Mariah-humming along and it's really good. The four little notes that she hums right then and there are better than every single other performance tonight. She thinks this song is good because it will show how great of a songwriter she is.
The performance starts like his performance last week...very low and very muddled. His low range is really not that sure of itself and I think it will be his downfall. He is sporting the homeless look tonight. His hair is disheveled and confusing. Then the chorus starts, and it starts to get pretty decent...if not a little creepy. Like "Every Breath You Take"...it sounds nice, but is also slightly threatening. A plethora of violins comes in and really make the performance intense and dramatic. My friend Christina made a good point...it's not that his vocals are really that incredible, but the performance is made really dramatic by the dark lightly and the strings and David's position on stage, so it comes across really monumental, even if his vocals aren't that incredible. He starts to belt in the refrain of the chorus and then he shines and hits the big notes real ace and for two seconds I get chills. He then ends the performance on this weird low note that is supposed to be all "rockerish" and dark, but just sounds flat.
Of course the judges are going to cream all over this...cuz it's David Cook and they all want to date him. Randy, for the first time this season, gets off his ass and stands up and claps. He thinks David can make a record right now...blah blah. He thinks it's "brilliant". Paula thinks it's so good...that it could be on a movie soundtrack? Since that's the pinnacle of musical stardom. Simon calls the rest of the performances tonight "karaoke hell" and then sucks on David says that he is "a breath of fresh air". Ryan points out that he's crying to which the camera zooms in on David's brother who has brain cancer, who is the audience. Sad! I don't want to be sad! I want to shamelessly make fun of people! Stop Idol producers!
My Grade: B
Jason Castro- Mariah thinks that Jason is "interesting & different." Well, that he definitely is. So Mr. Dreads is playing his guitar wearing a hideous red blouse while Mariah looks on all confused and shit. He is singing "I Don't Wanna Cry". Mariah thinks that he needs to reach people's hearts...or some weird, high Paula Abdul shit like that. She then sings the melody and Jason sings it back to her and they both sound pretty awesome. Castro makes some goofy-ass Muppet faces and slacks his upper row of teeth over his bottom lip, and he looks like a creeper.
He starts the performance with this cracking falsetto that is really hot. The tribal drummers are here this time and it's totally the Jason Castro we fell in love with. His dreads are pulled back tonight, and he looks very well-put-together...for once. The song doesn't not even sound like a Mariah song, and eat your heart out David Cook...this is the best of the night. The performance actually has a slightly Spanish feel to it. His vocals are smooth and delicate, but still on-point and are quite effective. He hits this high note at the end and it's rough and genuine.
Randy thought it was a drug-induced luau performance. Paula wants to be at Jason's luau all night...ha...with her Chihuahuas. Simon agrees with Paula and thinks that it wasn't the best vocal of the night, but it was "identifiable" and that the guys totally won the night tonight. Ryan they tries to force us to imagine Randy in a coconut bra. I go blind.
My Grade: A-
Safe?
- Jason Castro for making a Mariah Carey song sound like something other than a long-winded - ballad.
- David Cook for singing "Always Be My Baby" like an early '90s garage band would.
- David Archuleta, cuz seriously...he's not going home.
In Danger?
- Carly Smithson, since the judges apparently want her dead.
- Brooke White because even though she did well this week, the piano thing is beyond played-out.
- Kristy Lee Cook for singing well, but still being irritating.
David Archuleta- David is grasped into the Diva's spidery embrace and the poor kid never even had a chance. He is so small and puppet-like compared to Mariah who towers over him like some sort of behemoth . And I swear that smile is permanently painted onto her face. David yaps about how scared he was to be in Ms. Carey's holy presence....blah blah...I have a feeling that the intro. videos this week are basically just going to be a collection of suck-ups for Mariah where everyone talks about how perfect she is in every way. David against reminds me why he shouldn't speak by waving his arms around and gushing about how much he loves Mariah's music...and the diva only looks semi-interest and plays with her hair. Like some sort of queen..."yes yes yes...I am done with you. Bring in the court jester!" Of course David is singing "When You Believe" which is kind of boring and totally cheesy. Mariah tells him to go up into his falsetto...which is actually a smart decision...I think that even though she's a little mental...she does know a thing or two about music....which automatically makes her a better guest judge than Jennifer Lopez from last season.
The performance starts zoomed in on the string section and they are ominous and terrifying. Aside from his plethora pants and awkward graphic tee, Archuleta delivers a decent performance. As always. His vocals are spot-on and he squats on the heavy belting notes and the background singers are swaying behind him. He looks on the verge of tears...as always, and doesn't really move around that much...because his father forgot the remote control today, and is forced to controlling David from above in the rafters with his ventriloquist strings. Near the end, David goes into his falsetto, and it's a little off at first, but then works itself out and is more or less alright. He then does this cute run at the end and stares dreamily into the audience. and all the little girls start to scream and blah blah. Problem with David is the same thing that I felt was wrong with Melinda Doolittle...very good singer, but the performances just started getting old after awhile. This feels like every other performance he has done...I dunno, maybe it's just because he chooses songs that all sound like one another, in that pseudo-made-for-TV-movie-theme-song kind of way.
Randy wants David to "check it out" and then says that he picked one of the hardest Mariah songs ever and he worked it out...and he can sing anything (probably even the phonebook!). Paula blabbers about Mariah being proud and beaming and whatevs. Simon, like me, knew that David would pick this cutesy cheesy song too. He thinks that the guys will have an easier time tonight, since they won't be in direct comparison to Mariah. Then Ryan comes out and embarrasses David and tells America that he doesn't eat. Weird?
My Grade: A-
Carly Smithson- So let me start this off and say that Mariah and Carly already have met each other...back when Carly had a record out and Mariah told her she was great. Ha...so the two of them pretend to have never met each other before. Funny. Mariah was so super excited to meet Carly...duh! So she will be singing the den-mother of all Mariah songs..."Without You" that Kelly Clarkson sang first season. That's how epic this song is...only Ms. Clarkson has dared to tangle with its venomous key changes and vicious long notes. But can she work it out? Mariah thinks so. Carly calls Mariah cute and a "big sunshine ray" and we are shown a shot of Mariah looking vapidly at Carly like a mannequin. FREAKY!
She is standing next the the piano and the entire stage is bathed in blue, including Carly herself. The performance starts very very controlled and subdued. It's low and gentle and Carly really pays attention to every note with great precision. Even when she starts to belt, she keeps in all under wraps. But then the drums beat in and she lets it all lose and starts to make the goblin-face. That aside, I think her voice is beautiful and she does some minor belting ad-libs which are nice. She ends the performance on an extended-rising belt note. Wonderful!
Randy likes that she challenged herself...but he really didn't like her lower range...not "loosy goosy" enough. What does that even mean? Paula thought that she showed vocal restraint...ok, I'll agree. She thought Carly made it her own AW! Simon wanted her to sing it, but he didn't think she pulled it off, to which Carly looks off into the audience like "of course." The audience knows this is BS...and the start booing and yelling and Simon is all like "What a surprise to hear you lot booing"...to which I say, "What a surprise, Simon, to hear you unfairly crap all over Carly, while giving positive praise to idiots like Kristy Lee Cook." He thinks she's over-thinking everything. Then Paula says "you need to trust yourself" and Randy is like "You can do it!" It's like...shut up! SHE IS A GOOD SINGER! I really don't get the judges with her...this seems like the perfect voice for them to exploit with crappy ballads and terribly music videos...why are they convincing America otherwise?!?!?!?
My Grade: B+
Syesha (super)Mercado- She is singing some song that no one knows called "Vanishing". Mariah wrote it when she was teenager, which I can't even imagine. Quick note: they don't hug when Syesha runs into the room. Ha! Mariah stares at her while she sings...then starts singing herself and hits some sexy low notes. Mariah thinks she will "swing it home" to which Syesha starts to say "Oh LO!" and I'm like....STOP DOING THAT! RamenNoodles Maboobaloo is gone and never coming back! And that little saying was never cute. Cut it the fuck out.
So let's see if America will be as uninterested in Syesha as Mariah was. She starts the performance staring at the piano player. SHe is wearing bizarre garish tear-drop earrings. Her voice is low and well-controlled. The first half is really really nice. But then she starts to belt, and like always, gets a little away from the notes, and starts to sound like she is yelling. But then she does multi-repeating, stuttering belt that ends in a high-note! So fucking hot! The performance suddenly ends and everyone goes apeshit.
Randy thought it was "the toughest song of the night"...Was it even a song? It just sounded like non-stop belting...oh wait, that's every Mariah song. Paula slathers all over Mariah and then says that "Vanishing" isn't well-known which allows Syesha to avoid being compared to Mariah. Simon thinks that it is technically "very good", but then says it is stupid that she picked a song no one knew. But shut up Simon...you know damn well if she was to choose a song like "We Belong Together" that everyone and their mom knows, that you would puke all over her and say that it pale by comparison to the original. Stop hating on the semi-decent singers and start shitting on Kristy. Please?!?!?
My Grade: B
Brooke White- Earlier Tuesday, I was talking with a friend and we were trying to imagine which Mariah songs each of the contestants were going to sing. We totally called Carly doing "Without You" and I was totes like, "I'll bet you anything that Brooke will sing an acoustic or piano-driven version of 'Hero'," and dammit, I'm right! Her video has her seated with her guitar (Ug!). We find out that the song was actually originally written for Ms. Gloria Estefan...that's until Mariah realized the marketability of the track and took it for herself! Peace out bitch! I'm the bigger DIVA! Anyway...she is counseling Brooke in how to hit high notes that she doesn't have. Brooke smiles and is like..."uh huh..." Mariah thinks she really feels the lyrics...and Brooke says she just wants to "be real". Whatever.
She starts at the piano and in all honesty...the first half of the song, I think, is very good. Not paying attention to her hideous glitter dress/shirt. Her vocals are fragile and lonesome, but well-toned and they mesh well with the piano. But then comes the bridge, and aside from the beginning run, it starts to get really busted. Close-ups reveals Brooke shaking like a leaf...which is totally not like her. Her voice is wavering and her notes start to fall flat and the belts don't work themselves out. Ah! The performance started so well! Oh also...Brooke completely ignores Mariah's idiotic advice to go up high, which she has never done before. Wise choice!
Randy likes that she made the song "singer-songwriter"y...and was really digging it up until the bridge, where it just crumbled apart. Brooke totally understands and starts talking (STOP IT). Randy appreciated it though and of course Brooke is so fucking gracious that it makes me sick. Paula says she is "identifiable" and true to herself and that her performance was brave....she then says that she started to get ahead of the beat...which is not true at all whatsoever. Simon doesn't think she had any other song choice...considering that Mariah's voice is the polar opposite of Brooke's. Simon thinks that Brooke is a burger with no meat...Paula thinks that the bun was missing...however, Randy thinks all the condiments were missing. Seriously...they said this. Brooke understandably looks confused and even slightly annoyed at this terrible bantering of unintelligible "critiquing".
My Grade: B
Kristy Lee Cook- Mariah really enjoys Kristy singing "Forever"...cuz a lot of people don't know the song...so they won't know how bad she is butchering. Mariah then lies and says the her voice gave her goosebumps. Not true. Mariah has this pissed off look on her face and then she lies again and says that she like Kristy's version better than hers. What's funny though, is Mariah's facial expression when she says this is completely uninterested and she's like looking at a fly on the ceiling and leaning on the piano like she's waiting for a bus or something and just half-heatedly commented on a passerby's shoes. This means the world to Kristy though, and she turns "bright red" and Mariah clenches her teeth and is like "You did a really, really good job"...once again lying and not even trying to sound sincere. I love Mariah. Then Kristy wants to hug, and Mariah is like "uh huh" and then have this weird fake middle-school hug where your feet are like 6 feet apart from the other person's and you have your arms wrapped around each like it burns to touch the other person.
She is trying to be Carly and starts next to the piano. She looks almost pretty today. Her hair looks fake and her dress is tacky...but what else is new? I don't know this song. It starts off a little weird but (and I hate myself for this) it starts to get pretty good. Her country twang works well with the pace of the song and she hits nearly all the big notes perfectly. She shimmies herself back and forth and races her arms like she actually is Mariah. Anyway, she ends the performance with pretty awesome belted note and damn...it took like eight weeks, but Kristy has finally done a performance I liked.
Randy is just a surprised as I am that she can actually sing. She thinks she is finally "stepping up." Paula thinks Kristy is smart...wrong. She is "blown away" which I think is a little of an overstatement. She then pimps Mariah again as being a goddess of music and Simon tells her to shut up. He knows that Kristy was probably all like "oh fuck" which she heard it was Mariah week, which is totally not her cup of tea. Kristy then reminds us that she gave MC chills, and Simon is like...whatever, I hate you. He thinks she managed the song well enough...but she was whiny and that the performance wasn't great. Then Paula starts screaming about how beautiful everyone is...ha.
My Grade: B+
David Cook- He will be singing "Always Be My Baby" and he starts playing it on the guitar. Mariah stares at him like "um...what the fuck?!?" She then starts to kickass and does her Mariah-humming along and it's really good. The four little notes that she hums right then and there are better than every single other performance tonight. She thinks this song is good because it will show how great of a songwriter she is.
The performance starts like his performance last week...very low and very muddled. His low range is really not that sure of itself and I think it will be his downfall. He is sporting the homeless look tonight. His hair is disheveled and confusing. Then the chorus starts, and it starts to get pretty decent...if not a little creepy. Like "Every Breath You Take"...it sounds nice, but is also slightly threatening. A plethora of violins comes in and really make the performance intense and dramatic. My friend Christina made a good point...it's not that his vocals are really that incredible, but the performance is made really dramatic by the dark lightly and the strings and David's position on stage, so it comes across really monumental, even if his vocals aren't that incredible. He starts to belt in the refrain of the chorus and then he shines and hits the big notes real ace and for two seconds I get chills. He then ends the performance on this weird low note that is supposed to be all "rockerish" and dark, but just sounds flat.
Of course the judges are going to cream all over this...cuz it's David Cook and they all want to date him. Randy, for the first time this season, gets off his ass and stands up and claps. He thinks David can make a record right now...blah blah. He thinks it's "brilliant". Paula thinks it's so good...that it could be on a movie soundtrack? Since that's the pinnacle of musical stardom. Simon calls the rest of the performances tonight "karaoke hell" and then sucks on David says that he is "a breath of fresh air". Ryan points out that he's crying to which the camera zooms in on David's brother who has brain cancer, who is the audience. Sad! I don't want to be sad! I want to shamelessly make fun of people! Stop Idol producers!
My Grade: B
Jason Castro- Mariah thinks that Jason is "interesting & different." Well, that he definitely is. So Mr. Dreads is playing his guitar wearing a hideous red blouse while Mariah looks on all confused and shit. He is singing "I Don't Wanna Cry". Mariah thinks that he needs to reach people's hearts...or some weird, high Paula Abdul shit like that. She then sings the melody and Jason sings it back to her and they both sound pretty awesome. Castro makes some goofy-ass Muppet faces and slacks his upper row of teeth over his bottom lip, and he looks like a creeper.
He starts the performance with this cracking falsetto that is really hot. The tribal drummers are here this time and it's totally the Jason Castro we fell in love with. His dreads are pulled back tonight, and he looks very well-put-together...for once. The song doesn't not even sound like a Mariah song, and eat your heart out David Cook...this is the best of the night. The performance actually has a slightly Spanish feel to it. His vocals are smooth and delicate, but still on-point and are quite effective. He hits this high note at the end and it's rough and genuine.
Randy thought it was a drug-induced luau performance. Paula wants to be at Jason's luau all night...ha...with her Chihuahuas. Simon agrees with Paula and thinks that it wasn't the best vocal of the night, but it was "identifiable" and that the guys totally won the night tonight. Ryan they tries to force us to imagine Randy in a coconut bra. I go blind.
My Grade: A-
Safe?
- Jason Castro for making a Mariah Carey song sound like something other than a long-winded - ballad.
- David Cook for singing "Always Be My Baby" like an early '90s garage band would.
- David Archuleta, cuz seriously...he's not going home.
In Danger?
- Carly Smithson, since the judges apparently want her dead.
- Brooke White because even though she did well this week, the piano thing is beyond played-out.
- Kristy Lee Cook for singing well, but still being irritating.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Top 8 - Inspirational Songs
Sorry for skipping last week...I got really busy. Whatever...Ramen Noodles Maboobaloo went home so I'm happy!
So tomorrow is stupid Idol gives back...blah blah...saving dieing kids. Fox is so generous...shots of Randy and Paula and Simon hugging starving children. Whatever. So you know what that means?!?! Tonight is another lame stupid Inspirational song week with each contestant picking the most dramatic and cliche songs in the history of the world. However...I think Kristy Lee Cook might be in trouble, cuz a) she sucks, and b) she already sang the goofiest lamest song ever two weeks back with that "God Damn the USA" song.
Michael Johns- So he will be singing "Dream On" by Aerosmith. He explains in his expo video that he loves America soooo much for helping him reach his dreams. And he is really thankful that his dreams are coming true right now on American Idol. And guess what?!? He never thought he'd ever be this close to his dreams EVER! And then he says he dreams. And then he talks about said dreams. And then he says dreams like a billion more times.
So the performance starts with the entire stage (feat. Johns) bathed in hellish red death light. He is wearing some sort of Jason Castro vest and has a gross scarf like wrapped around his neck and stuck under his shirt. It's confusing. His hair has that hot and disheveled "I just woke up after a sexy fuckfest" look. The song starts rough with him attempting to really emote the song, but just not singing that well. He makes those "oh" faces he loves and raises his hands to the gods above. An electric guitar is chugging along in the background and it really doesn't mess well with his voice for most of the song. When the song picks up and the chorus kicks in he starts to get more in-tune with the track. He also starts to look better when the camera JIBS around from behind him and there is a gorgeous shot of his ass in those tight pants. But even though it did get better, I can't help but feel that this is the opening performance of a long Aerosmith dedication medley. Near the end, he attempts Steven Tyler's falsetto screeching and it's ok...but just a little too copy-catish. I dunno...I mean, it was ok, but not nearly as good as the past few weeks. He'll be safe, but I hope he brings a more original performance next week. But he's still better than Kristy though...so whatever.
Randy and his awkward sideburns thinks this is a very important week. Whatever. He then claims that it was a good song choice...which I don't agree with. He calls him out on the blatant pitch problems and says that this whole "rocker" vibe doesn't jive well with Michael's persona...and this point completely contradicts his earlier assessment that it was a good song for him to sing. Michael then tries to argue with Randy, and it's painful cuz Randy fires back and says that Johns should keep his mouth shut, cuz he don't know shit about anything. Paula, whose boobs are literally spilling out all over the table, says that he looks hot so therefor he sounds good. SHe praises his high notes and says that her "chihuahuas" loved it. I of course assume she means her boobs, which are heaving up and down like panting fat children in the summer sun. Simon thought it was good...but wannabe-ish. Bingo.
My Grade: B-
Syesha Supermercado- UGGGGGGGGGGG. She is going to be singing that shitty "I Believe" song that Fantasia screamed at us after she won the third season. Considering that this song is basically "A Moment Like This" written for someone with a low IQ and a bullfrog's voice, I have extremely loooooooooow expectations. Syesha said that this song lets her think that ANYTHING is possible if you just believe...blah blah. Whatever. She is inspired by this crappy American Idol pimped out cheesefest, and I lose a little bit of respect for her.
She is dressed very nicely though I forget exactly what she was wearing. Her voice starts off very nicely...gently and smooth with delicate little runs...reminds me almost of my Goddess from above, Aaliyah (BONUS POINTS!!!). She has nice control over the song and really nails the subtle vocal acrobats that Fantasia never attempted...cuz she's not Jennifer Hudson. She sings well...but this song is so dopey and cliche that I seriously am too distracted by how piss poor these lyrics to really focus on Syesha's voice. She sings about magic. She sings about stars. She sings about dreams and pots of gold and special moments arriving and then I heave my guts out. Ug...so dumb. Seriously, who writes these songs, and why are they getting paid for it when I could crap prettier things into a toilet bowl??? Anyway...she hits some awesome random high note at the end and it's really good. She hasn't seen this confident in a long-ass time, and she really seems in her element. However...I know she's fucked, cuz whenever anyone ever sings a previous Idol's song, the judges murder them...so just prepare yourself Supermercado.
Randy thought that it was bland and that Fantasia was great and that Syesha isn't. He mentions a lack of connection to the song, to which I think, "I hope so...since the song has the emotional appeal of a stuffed vaccuum cleaner waiting to burst at the seems with dust and potato chip crumbs." She tries to argue with him and he shits on her just like how she dropped a dump on Michael. Paula thinks it's cute that she likes Fantasia (cuz apparently no one else does). She thought that she really made the song her own and that this was one of her best nights. Simon thinks that even though she sang it well, it didn't compare to Fantasia's performance. He says it lacks any real emotion...and duh. The song sucks! Ug...whatever.
My Grade: B+
Jason Castro- So he will be singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", only instead of doing the queer Judy Garland/Katharine McBulimia version, he will be singing some goofy acoustic ukulele version that's really introspective and kooky and who gives a fuck? We are shown terrifying shots of Castro and his tentacle hair and then he talks about dreams and whatever.
He is playing the ukulele and it is hilarious. His arms are all clenched to him as he strums that little instrument. It's really funny and greatly accentuates his Muppet-like qualities. He has a terrifying blank stare and looks either high or dead. Ok...I really like Castro...but damn, this hippy-college-stoner act needs to be put to bed. Do something else. The producers must of ordered an extra side of cheese, cuz there are rainbow lights cascading all over the audience and we can see the sluts in the first row staring longingly into Castro's vacant eyeholes. Near the end of the song he does some nice emoting where he hits some pretty cute, vulnerable notes, but I feel like he missed out on some great parts of the chorus where he could have belted, or at least done something more than just whisper along with the melody. It's okay...He's a good singer, but I am just bored to tears now by him.
Randy says that he is "back in the hut"...whatever the bloody balls that means. Randy must have caught Paula's retard flu, cuz he then calls Castro "crazy molten hot" and it's really uncomfortable. Paula creams all over the floor and says that he has a very definitive sound...with his guitar...even though he isn't using his guitar this week. She's totally out of it tonight, folks. Simon thought it was "fantastic" which is a little over the top. I guess I must have become really jaded though, cuz in all honesty, I can't tell his performances apart from one another anymore. They all travel the same pace, hitting the same old notes, making the same old goofy faces into the camera. I want something upbeat...fun...worth watching/writing about.
My Grade: B
Kristy Lee Cook- Of course the devil loves Martina McBride and will be singing some shitty song of hers that I don't care enough about to look up. She then says that she doesn't want to give up...blah blah...she loves America...snore snore...she sold her horse to get to Hollywood...cake cake...she sucks a lot. Boo.
She is basically wearing the same disco-ball shirt from a few weeks ago. Tonight her position is planted in front of the mic, in the middle of the stage, waving her arms around like she's being pulled into quicksand and only the rapid convulsing of her appendages provide anysort of help in freeing herself. Her voice is really off. I dunno...like I don't know much about Martina McBride, but I know her voice is pretty damn powerful. And even if she does have a nice country tone, I just don't think that Kristy's voice is strong enough to take on a song of hers...or anyone's for that matter. Now, if Kristy was to sing one of those slow semi-cliche songs that Brooke seems to fond of, I think she might actually give a decent performance...but all this bigger songs just aren't cutting in, cuz her voice is just lacking any sort of power behind it. I think Kristy and her pseudo-lazy eyes have really overstayed their fucking welcome. Go back to your farm and your family and the huge American flag that wafts in the breeze in front of your house and get off my tv. To her defense though, she does hit one really nice long note at the end, but then later ruins it with some warbled "yeah yeah"s that come out of nowhere and smash the living hell out of the only good note I think she's ever hit on this show. Oh, and her lack of stage presence is physically painful to watch. Boo.
Randy is moronic tonight. It was pitchy...but he "loved it"??? Paula thinks it was her best performance that it's so easy to songs that inspire them...??? I don't understand, or care enough to actually figure out what she's talking about. Simon thought it was a random, shitty song to sing, but that she delivered a very very good performance. Yeah...TWO "very"s. What...I would for serial rather listen to the out-of-tune likes of Kellie "Puck and" Pickler, than sit through more Kristy Lee Cook performances.
My Grade: C+
David Cook- He'll be singing one of my favorite songs..."Innocent" by Our Lady Peace. I'm excited, but also very confused considering that this song received very little airplay and I am positive that no one other than me and like four other people really remember it. In his video, he looks like a dirty little teenager with scruffy facial hair and tiny eyes. He thinks the song is great and loves what it tries to convey. Then he says something about everyone having a heart...YAWN FESTIVAL begins NOW!
So the song starts and it is TERRIBLE. First off, he doesn't have his guitar this week, which you can instantly tell makes him uncomfortable. He walks around on stage, not really doing anything and then he traverses into the audience and stands in front of the judges and it makes no sense. Secondly, his lower range is god awful this week, and it sounds very muddled and very all-over-the-place. Now, when he belts, it's another story. He does that rocker yell-sing thing that he is an expert at and it kind of redeems that shittiness of the performance thus far, but then he goes back to the low notes and ruins my life some more. Oh, and he is wearing the fugliest effing jacket ever. It's eggshell white and has like a million buttons and it's too small for him. When he approaches the judges' table, Paula starts dancing and her boobs start to scare me...cuz seriously, those babies are about to bust the hell outta that top. He then ends the performance opening up his palm to reveal the words "give back." scribbled on the inside. BARF! That's even cornier than Kristy's "God Bless My Ass" song from two weeks ago. Like seriously, how melodramatic and fakely compassionate can you be? Boo boo boo David Cook. Boo.
Randy thought it sucked...cuz it kinda did. He "didn't get it" which is now my favorite Randy quote...it's so cold and mean and just like "fuck that...I'm not gonna waste my time actually thinking of something constructive to say to you...asshole." Paula ignores Randy and calls David the "whole package"....yeah yeah yeah. There is a shot of Taylor Swift in the audience and I totally vomit everywhere cuz I hate that girl. You know Brooke White is a big fan and I am so over both of them. Simon thought it was POMPOUS. YES! Exactly. I hate people that think they are really introspective and smart and deep because they like pretend to be activists for causes that they obviously are uninterested in. He also hated the jacket and the Jesus walking through the crowd and I totes agree! Simon and I are back on the same page! YAY! Paula then gets upset that he is insulting her loverboy and then like starts to cry and pee on Simon and Simon's like..."I'm not going to touch you" and it's really confusing.
My Grade: C-
Carly Smithson- She's perfect and will be singing "The Show Must Go On" which is actually one of my least favorite Queen songs. It's okay though, cuz Carly is wonderful and if you don't love her, you suck...a lot. She then says that it inspires her to never give up no matter what "bonks" you on your way. I don't really understand what that means, but it's adorable and drenched in her cute accent, so I get over it.
Her makeup is flawless tonight, and her piercing blue eyes are especially hypnotic. But then the camera zooms out and we see the high-waisted trainwreck that's taking place, and I cry. I guess they need at least one contestant to be wearing their jeans way too high, at all times. First it was Asia'h...then she bounced. Ramen Noodles Maboobaloo then took the reigns and wore high-waisted pants until she peaced out last week...now I guess Carly is taking the fashion fall. Whatever...she sings better than all these other bitches, so once again, I get over it. Her vocals are more or less strong...although she does hit some bum notes when she belts. She is very concentrated this evening...like she's vindicated and ready to prove to the world that she is better than everyone ever. The Amy Winehouse tattoo on her arm is especially prominent tonight and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. She hits a high note at the end of the performance and belts and makes goblin/witch faces everywhere.
Randy thought it was a little pitchy at the end and that it was just "ok." Seriously? She wipes the floor with that dirty dishrag of a voice that comes out of Kristy's yapper...yet that country bumpkin gets all the praise in the world, while Carly gets the brunt of all the judges' bad tidings? NOT FAIR! Paula thought her voice was perfect but that she wasn't engaged in the song. That makes no sense, so I ignore her. Simon thinks she looks good this week (LIE), but that it was an unusual choice for her...which isn't true...I think the song fits her voice perfectly and totally matches the other songs she has sang thus far. He thinks she oversang and that she lost control of it after awhile. He claims that she looked angry...which I can kind of see...but whatever. SHE IS STILL THE BEST FEMALE SINGER IN THE ENTIRE SHOW!
My Grade: B+
David Archuleta- He has a hard time getting through the video interview...cuz he is unable to speak ever. He then says he will be singing that annoying and headache-inducing "Angels" song originally done by Robbie Williams and later SLAUGHTERED TO DEATH BY JESSICA "I'M A MAN" SIMPSON. Ug...seriously hates that song...like ug...I can't even deal.
He starts at the piano...again. Ok I'm a little annoyed with this whole instrument thing this season. It's like...we expect these people to sing and we expect them to sing well...just like every other season of Idol. And at first, the inclusion of instruments was a cool idea...but now with David Cook and Castro always on the guitar, and Archuleta and Brooke always playing the piano, I feel the excitement of the show is slowly dwindling. I already know what kind of performance I can expect and I can anticipate how certain performances are going to be and the surprise-aspect of American Idol feels a little lost. I already know that Castro will probably be playing some quiet stoner track with his guitar. Brooke will always be playing a similar song, only less high. David Cook will be shedding chords all over some modern rock (or modern rock cover) song, and Archuleta will deliver a cute, but starting to become boring performance while seated at a piano. And the latter is exactly what his "Angels" is. Like Cook, his voice doesn't really connect in the beginning of the song. The notes may just be a little too low or maybe he's sick, but his voice sounds really weak and just doesn't mix well with the music itself. His tone is as good as always and thank god for the chorus which allows Archuleta the chance to belt and actually sing well. The performance ends with a close-up shot of David where you can see his fillings in the back of his mouth and he ends the song with this cool little re-arrangement of the chorus. He does a lot of random runs and jumps all over his range and it's nice and salvages the burning shitship that the song began as.
Randy loves it...especially the refrain at the end. As he praises him, the camera cuts to the audience and we see Papa Archuleta out there smiling and clapping those huge monster bear -claws and I can only imagine what he is thinking: "Good little Archuleta...you have spared yourself the belt tonight." Next Paula starts to talk but all these little girls in the audience start wailing like a pack of insane bitches. Paula is too out of it to be coherent and says that those screams of pain are actually cries of joy and that everyone loves him. Simon thought it wasn't he best vocal (thank god!). He says he thought it was a little nasal. Fuck nasal! The beginning verse was not really even in tune! He then gives him the golden ticket of invincibility and says that he will "sail through to the next round." Whatever. There is a pan to the audience and we see some little 8-year-old girl holding up a sign that says "Lick Those Lips" next to a picture of Archuleta. Um...? Weird. What? Ew. I throw up in my mouth and then cry a little.
My Grade: B-
Brooke White- So of course Brooke will be singing "You've Got a Friend" cuz it's cute and friendly and flower-childy. She boasts about her extensive knowledge of music and says that James Taylor sang it, but Carol King did on her Tapestry album, and I'm like...ok...we get it...you (think you) know a lot about music. Stop talking. She mentions that at a talent show once, her and her friends performed it! SUPER CUTE! Barf.
Somebody else is behind the piano tonight (I spoke too soon during Archuleta's performance), and Brooke is refreshingly up front at the mic without her Grandma hands anywhere near the ivory keys. She looks overly Barbied this week. Like, when it first started, she looked nice. Normal, real and genuinely pretty. Then she started to look a little homeless, especially during "Here Comes the Sun". Her clothes were weird and looked tattered and her hair was dirty and matted. So now it seems like the producers are in style-damage control, cuz Brooke looks done up to the point of looking like a plastic life-size Tyra Banks Barbie doll. Her hair is way to fluid and mono-colored and is smooth and cascades off her head like the golden sunshine that covers every one of her rainbow-unicorn days. Her lips are plastic too, and she just doesn't really resemble the down-to-earth vegan that we were forced to believe she was earlier this season. She is so fake looking that I would dare to say she resembles one of those CGI characters that are made for animated films like "Shrek" or "Ratatouille"...like there are no flaws and it is quite disconcerting. Anyway...after being in the bottom three last week, Brooke is pulling out all the stops. Every other second she is making one of those gentle & pious "love me" looks into the camera where she stares off deeply into thought....ug, so irritating. Almost as much as David Cooks "give back." hand. Ok...this just may be the bitchy queen in me, but all of these "stripped down/introverted" reflection numbers need to come to a halt. Like...not every week has to be so fragile and quiet and subdued. I want the American Idol of past seasons where Kelly would dance around in a man's tie and hat while singing "Natural Woman"...I want Carrie Underwood to bust out from the side of the stage with crazy eighties hair wailing Heart's "Alone"...I want Sanjaya to make little girls cry again. I WANT SOME VARIETY. Anyway...Brooke is a tad boring. Her shirt is covered with the remnants of a strawberry rhubarb pie that exploded all over her just before she went on. Her vocals are as decent as always, but seriously...I couldn't care less. I just don't get this appeal, and I think both her and Castro are going to be in trouble real soon if they don't so something to shake up the snorefests that their performances are quickly becoming.
Randy loves it. Then Brooke spouts out...honestly for no reason...that she loves her father and husband and friends and music teacher and puppies and fresh apple strudel and memories and whiskers on kittens. Paula grew up to that song and remembers her sister playing the living beJesus out of it. She says she loves her to which Brooke is mad weird and says "I love you too" back. Simon thought it was like a pleasant walk in the park and Brooke makes those humbled overly appreciative faces that made Melinda Doolittle just a teensy bit irritating last season. He then says she wasn't original, but that she did a good job overall.
My Grade: B
Safe?
- David Archuleta cuz Simon says so.
- Jason Castro for singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in an unconventional way and bathing the audience in rainbow sunlight.
- Michael Johns for his "oh-face".
In Danger?
- Carly Smithson cuz the judges feel a constant need to unfairly trash all over her.
- David Cook cuz what the hell was that?
- Kristy Lee Cook cuz she's been in the bottom three every week so far...so why stop now?
So tomorrow is stupid Idol gives back...blah blah...saving dieing kids. Fox is so generous...shots of Randy and Paula and Simon hugging starving children. Whatever. So you know what that means?!?! Tonight is another lame stupid Inspirational song week with each contestant picking the most dramatic and cliche songs in the history of the world. However...I think Kristy Lee Cook might be in trouble, cuz a) she sucks, and b) she already sang the goofiest lamest song ever two weeks back with that "God Damn the USA" song.
Michael Johns- So he will be singing "Dream On" by Aerosmith. He explains in his expo video that he loves America soooo much for helping him reach his dreams. And he is really thankful that his dreams are coming true right now on American Idol. And guess what?!? He never thought he'd ever be this close to his dreams EVER! And then he says he dreams. And then he talks about said dreams. And then he says dreams like a billion more times.
So the performance starts with the entire stage (feat. Johns) bathed in hellish red death light. He is wearing some sort of Jason Castro vest and has a gross scarf like wrapped around his neck and stuck under his shirt. It's confusing. His hair has that hot and disheveled "I just woke up after a sexy fuckfest" look. The song starts rough with him attempting to really emote the song, but just not singing that well. He makes those "oh" faces he loves and raises his hands to the gods above. An electric guitar is chugging along in the background and it really doesn't mess well with his voice for most of the song. When the song picks up and the chorus kicks in he starts to get more in-tune with the track. He also starts to look better when the camera JIBS around from behind him and there is a gorgeous shot of his ass in those tight pants. But even though it did get better, I can't help but feel that this is the opening performance of a long Aerosmith dedication medley. Near the end, he attempts Steven Tyler's falsetto screeching and it's ok...but just a little too copy-catish. I dunno...I mean, it was ok, but not nearly as good as the past few weeks. He'll be safe, but I hope he brings a more original performance next week. But he's still better than Kristy though...so whatever.
Randy and his awkward sideburns thinks this is a very important week. Whatever. He then claims that it was a good song choice...which I don't agree with. He calls him out on the blatant pitch problems and says that this whole "rocker" vibe doesn't jive well with Michael's persona...and this point completely contradicts his earlier assessment that it was a good song for him to sing. Michael then tries to argue with Randy, and it's painful cuz Randy fires back and says that Johns should keep his mouth shut, cuz he don't know shit about anything. Paula, whose boobs are literally spilling out all over the table, says that he looks hot so therefor he sounds good. SHe praises his high notes and says that her "chihuahuas" loved it. I of course assume she means her boobs, which are heaving up and down like panting fat children in the summer sun. Simon thought it was good...but wannabe-ish. Bingo.
My Grade: B-
Syesha Supermercado- UGGGGGGGGGGG. She is going to be singing that shitty "I Believe" song that Fantasia screamed at us after she won the third season. Considering that this song is basically "A Moment Like This" written for someone with a low IQ and a bullfrog's voice, I have extremely loooooooooow expectations. Syesha said that this song lets her think that ANYTHING is possible if you just believe...blah blah. Whatever. She is inspired by this crappy American Idol pimped out cheesefest, and I lose a little bit of respect for her.
She is dressed very nicely though I forget exactly what she was wearing. Her voice starts off very nicely...gently and smooth with delicate little runs...reminds me almost of my Goddess from above, Aaliyah (BONUS POINTS!!!). She has nice control over the song and really nails the subtle vocal acrobats that Fantasia never attempted...cuz she's not Jennifer Hudson. She sings well...but this song is so dopey and cliche that I seriously am too distracted by how piss poor these lyrics to really focus on Syesha's voice. She sings about magic. She sings about stars. She sings about dreams and pots of gold and special moments arriving and then I heave my guts out. Ug...so dumb. Seriously, who writes these songs, and why are they getting paid for it when I could crap prettier things into a toilet bowl??? Anyway...she hits some awesome random high note at the end and it's really good. She hasn't seen this confident in a long-ass time, and she really seems in her element. However...I know she's fucked, cuz whenever anyone ever sings a previous Idol's song, the judges murder them...so just prepare yourself Supermercado.
Randy thought that it was bland and that Fantasia was great and that Syesha isn't. He mentions a lack of connection to the song, to which I think, "I hope so...since the song has the emotional appeal of a stuffed vaccuum cleaner waiting to burst at the seems with dust and potato chip crumbs." She tries to argue with him and he shits on her just like how she dropped a dump on Michael. Paula thinks it's cute that she likes Fantasia (cuz apparently no one else does). She thought that she really made the song her own and that this was one of her best nights. Simon thinks that even though she sang it well, it didn't compare to Fantasia's performance. He says it lacks any real emotion...and duh. The song sucks! Ug...whatever.
My Grade: B+
Jason Castro- So he will be singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", only instead of doing the queer Judy Garland/Katharine McBulimia version, he will be singing some goofy acoustic ukulele version that's really introspective and kooky and who gives a fuck? We are shown terrifying shots of Castro and his tentacle hair and then he talks about dreams and whatever.
He is playing the ukulele and it is hilarious. His arms are all clenched to him as he strums that little instrument. It's really funny and greatly accentuates his Muppet-like qualities. He has a terrifying blank stare and looks either high or dead. Ok...I really like Castro...but damn, this hippy-college-stoner act needs to be put to bed. Do something else. The producers must of ordered an extra side of cheese, cuz there are rainbow lights cascading all over the audience and we can see the sluts in the first row staring longingly into Castro's vacant eyeholes. Near the end of the song he does some nice emoting where he hits some pretty cute, vulnerable notes, but I feel like he missed out on some great parts of the chorus where he could have belted, or at least done something more than just whisper along with the melody. It's okay...He's a good singer, but I am just bored to tears now by him.
Randy says that he is "back in the hut"...whatever the bloody balls that means. Randy must have caught Paula's retard flu, cuz he then calls Castro "crazy molten hot" and it's really uncomfortable. Paula creams all over the floor and says that he has a very definitive sound...with his guitar...even though he isn't using his guitar this week. She's totally out of it tonight, folks. Simon thought it was "fantastic" which is a little over the top. I guess I must have become really jaded though, cuz in all honesty, I can't tell his performances apart from one another anymore. They all travel the same pace, hitting the same old notes, making the same old goofy faces into the camera. I want something upbeat...fun...worth watching/writing about.
My Grade: B
Kristy Lee Cook- Of course the devil loves Martina McBride and will be singing some shitty song of hers that I don't care enough about to look up. She then says that she doesn't want to give up...blah blah...she loves America...snore snore...she sold her horse to get to Hollywood...cake cake...she sucks a lot. Boo.
She is basically wearing the same disco-ball shirt from a few weeks ago. Tonight her position is planted in front of the mic, in the middle of the stage, waving her arms around like she's being pulled into quicksand and only the rapid convulsing of her appendages provide anysort of help in freeing herself. Her voice is really off. I dunno...like I don't know much about Martina McBride, but I know her voice is pretty damn powerful. And even if she does have a nice country tone, I just don't think that Kristy's voice is strong enough to take on a song of hers...or anyone's for that matter. Now, if Kristy was to sing one of those slow semi-cliche songs that Brooke seems to fond of, I think she might actually give a decent performance...but all this bigger songs just aren't cutting in, cuz her voice is just lacking any sort of power behind it. I think Kristy and her pseudo-lazy eyes have really overstayed their fucking welcome. Go back to your farm and your family and the huge American flag that wafts in the breeze in front of your house and get off my tv. To her defense though, she does hit one really nice long note at the end, but then later ruins it with some warbled "yeah yeah"s that come out of nowhere and smash the living hell out of the only good note I think she's ever hit on this show. Oh, and her lack of stage presence is physically painful to watch. Boo.
Randy is moronic tonight. It was pitchy...but he "loved it"??? Paula thinks it was her best performance that it's so easy to songs that inspire them...??? I don't understand, or care enough to actually figure out what she's talking about. Simon thought it was a random, shitty song to sing, but that she delivered a very very good performance. Yeah...TWO "very"s. What...I would for serial rather listen to the out-of-tune likes of Kellie "Puck and" Pickler, than sit through more Kristy Lee Cook performances.
My Grade: C+
David Cook- He'll be singing one of my favorite songs..."Innocent" by Our Lady Peace. I'm excited, but also very confused considering that this song received very little airplay and I am positive that no one other than me and like four other people really remember it. In his video, he looks like a dirty little teenager with scruffy facial hair and tiny eyes. He thinks the song is great and loves what it tries to convey. Then he says something about everyone having a heart...YAWN FESTIVAL begins NOW!
So the song starts and it is TERRIBLE. First off, he doesn't have his guitar this week, which you can instantly tell makes him uncomfortable. He walks around on stage, not really doing anything and then he traverses into the audience and stands in front of the judges and it makes no sense. Secondly, his lower range is god awful this week, and it sounds very muddled and very all-over-the-place. Now, when he belts, it's another story. He does that rocker yell-sing thing that he is an expert at and it kind of redeems that shittiness of the performance thus far, but then he goes back to the low notes and ruins my life some more. Oh, and he is wearing the fugliest effing jacket ever. It's eggshell white and has like a million buttons and it's too small for him. When he approaches the judges' table, Paula starts dancing and her boobs start to scare me...cuz seriously, those babies are about to bust the hell outta that top. He then ends the performance opening up his palm to reveal the words "give back." scribbled on the inside. BARF! That's even cornier than Kristy's "God Bless My Ass" song from two weeks ago. Like seriously, how melodramatic and fakely compassionate can you be? Boo boo boo David Cook. Boo.
Randy thought it sucked...cuz it kinda did. He "didn't get it" which is now my favorite Randy quote...it's so cold and mean and just like "fuck that...I'm not gonna waste my time actually thinking of something constructive to say to you...asshole." Paula ignores Randy and calls David the "whole package"....yeah yeah yeah. There is a shot of Taylor Swift in the audience and I totally vomit everywhere cuz I hate that girl. You know Brooke White is a big fan and I am so over both of them. Simon thought it was POMPOUS. YES! Exactly. I hate people that think they are really introspective and smart and deep because they like pretend to be activists for causes that they obviously are uninterested in. He also hated the jacket and the Jesus walking through the crowd and I totes agree! Simon and I are back on the same page! YAY! Paula then gets upset that he is insulting her loverboy and then like starts to cry and pee on Simon and Simon's like..."I'm not going to touch you" and it's really confusing.
My Grade: C-
Carly Smithson- She's perfect and will be singing "The Show Must Go On" which is actually one of my least favorite Queen songs. It's okay though, cuz Carly is wonderful and if you don't love her, you suck...a lot. She then says that it inspires her to never give up no matter what "bonks" you on your way. I don't really understand what that means, but it's adorable and drenched in her cute accent, so I get over it.
Her makeup is flawless tonight, and her piercing blue eyes are especially hypnotic. But then the camera zooms out and we see the high-waisted trainwreck that's taking place, and I cry. I guess they need at least one contestant to be wearing their jeans way too high, at all times. First it was Asia'h...then she bounced. Ramen Noodles Maboobaloo then took the reigns and wore high-waisted pants until she peaced out last week...now I guess Carly is taking the fashion fall. Whatever...she sings better than all these other bitches, so once again, I get over it. Her vocals are more or less strong...although she does hit some bum notes when she belts. She is very concentrated this evening...like she's vindicated and ready to prove to the world that she is better than everyone ever. The Amy Winehouse tattoo on her arm is especially prominent tonight and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. She hits a high note at the end of the performance and belts and makes goblin/witch faces everywhere.
Randy thought it was a little pitchy at the end and that it was just "ok." Seriously? She wipes the floor with that dirty dishrag of a voice that comes out of Kristy's yapper...yet that country bumpkin gets all the praise in the world, while Carly gets the brunt of all the judges' bad tidings? NOT FAIR! Paula thought her voice was perfect but that she wasn't engaged in the song. That makes no sense, so I ignore her. Simon thinks she looks good this week (LIE), but that it was an unusual choice for her...which isn't true...I think the song fits her voice perfectly and totally matches the other songs she has sang thus far. He thinks she oversang and that she lost control of it after awhile. He claims that she looked angry...which I can kind of see...but whatever. SHE IS STILL THE BEST FEMALE SINGER IN THE ENTIRE SHOW!
My Grade: B+
David Archuleta- He has a hard time getting through the video interview...cuz he is unable to speak ever. He then says he will be singing that annoying and headache-inducing "Angels" song originally done by Robbie Williams and later SLAUGHTERED TO DEATH BY JESSICA "I'M A MAN" SIMPSON. Ug...seriously hates that song...like ug...I can't even deal.
He starts at the piano...again. Ok I'm a little annoyed with this whole instrument thing this season. It's like...we expect these people to sing and we expect them to sing well...just like every other season of Idol. And at first, the inclusion of instruments was a cool idea...but now with David Cook and Castro always on the guitar, and Archuleta and Brooke always playing the piano, I feel the excitement of the show is slowly dwindling. I already know what kind of performance I can expect and I can anticipate how certain performances are going to be and the surprise-aspect of American Idol feels a little lost. I already know that Castro will probably be playing some quiet stoner track with his guitar. Brooke will always be playing a similar song, only less high. David Cook will be shedding chords all over some modern rock (or modern rock cover) song, and Archuleta will deliver a cute, but starting to become boring performance while seated at a piano. And the latter is exactly what his "Angels" is. Like Cook, his voice doesn't really connect in the beginning of the song. The notes may just be a little too low or maybe he's sick, but his voice sounds really weak and just doesn't mix well with the music itself. His tone is as good as always and thank god for the chorus which allows Archuleta the chance to belt and actually sing well. The performance ends with a close-up shot of David where you can see his fillings in the back of his mouth and he ends the song with this cool little re-arrangement of the chorus. He does a lot of random runs and jumps all over his range and it's nice and salvages the burning shitship that the song began as.
Randy loves it...especially the refrain at the end. As he praises him, the camera cuts to the audience and we see Papa Archuleta out there smiling and clapping those huge monster bear -claws and I can only imagine what he is thinking: "Good little Archuleta...you have spared yourself the belt tonight." Next Paula starts to talk but all these little girls in the audience start wailing like a pack of insane bitches. Paula is too out of it to be coherent and says that those screams of pain are actually cries of joy and that everyone loves him. Simon thought it wasn't he best vocal (thank god!). He says he thought it was a little nasal. Fuck nasal! The beginning verse was not really even in tune! He then gives him the golden ticket of invincibility and says that he will "sail through to the next round." Whatever. There is a pan to the audience and we see some little 8-year-old girl holding up a sign that says "Lick Those Lips" next to a picture of Archuleta. Um...? Weird. What? Ew. I throw up in my mouth and then cry a little.
My Grade: B-
Brooke White- So of course Brooke will be singing "You've Got a Friend" cuz it's cute and friendly and flower-childy. She boasts about her extensive knowledge of music and says that James Taylor sang it, but Carol King did on her Tapestry album, and I'm like...ok...we get it...you (think you) know a lot about music. Stop talking. She mentions that at a talent show once, her and her friends performed it! SUPER CUTE! Barf.
Somebody else is behind the piano tonight (I spoke too soon during Archuleta's performance), and Brooke is refreshingly up front at the mic without her Grandma hands anywhere near the ivory keys. She looks overly Barbied this week. Like, when it first started, she looked nice. Normal, real and genuinely pretty. Then she started to look a little homeless, especially during "Here Comes the Sun". Her clothes were weird and looked tattered and her hair was dirty and matted. So now it seems like the producers are in style-damage control, cuz Brooke looks done up to the point of looking like a plastic life-size Tyra Banks Barbie doll. Her hair is way to fluid and mono-colored and is smooth and cascades off her head like the golden sunshine that covers every one of her rainbow-unicorn days. Her lips are plastic too, and she just doesn't really resemble the down-to-earth vegan that we were forced to believe she was earlier this season. She is so fake looking that I would dare to say she resembles one of those CGI characters that are made for animated films like "Shrek" or "Ratatouille"...like there are no flaws and it is quite disconcerting. Anyway...after being in the bottom three last week, Brooke is pulling out all the stops. Every other second she is making one of those gentle & pious "love me" looks into the camera where she stares off deeply into thought....ug, so irritating. Almost as much as David Cooks "give back." hand. Ok...this just may be the bitchy queen in me, but all of these "stripped down/introverted" reflection numbers need to come to a halt. Like...not every week has to be so fragile and quiet and subdued. I want the American Idol of past seasons where Kelly would dance around in a man's tie and hat while singing "Natural Woman"...I want Carrie Underwood to bust out from the side of the stage with crazy eighties hair wailing Heart's "Alone"...I want Sanjaya to make little girls cry again. I WANT SOME VARIETY. Anyway...Brooke is a tad boring. Her shirt is covered with the remnants of a strawberry rhubarb pie that exploded all over her just before she went on. Her vocals are as decent as always, but seriously...I couldn't care less. I just don't get this appeal, and I think both her and Castro are going to be in trouble real soon if they don't so something to shake up the snorefests that their performances are quickly becoming.
Randy loves it. Then Brooke spouts out...honestly for no reason...that she loves her father and husband and friends and music teacher and puppies and fresh apple strudel and memories and whiskers on kittens. Paula grew up to that song and remembers her sister playing the living beJesus out of it. She says she loves her to which Brooke is mad weird and says "I love you too" back. Simon thought it was like a pleasant walk in the park and Brooke makes those humbled overly appreciative faces that made Melinda Doolittle just a teensy bit irritating last season. He then says she wasn't original, but that she did a good job overall.
My Grade: B
Safe?
- David Archuleta cuz Simon says so.
- Jason Castro for singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in an unconventional way and bathing the audience in rainbow sunlight.
- Michael Johns for his "oh-face".
In Danger?
- Carly Smithson cuz the judges feel a constant need to unfairly trash all over her.
- David Cook cuz what the hell was that?
- Kristy Lee Cook cuz she's been in the bottom three every week so far...so why stop now?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Top 10 - Year of Birthy Music
Tonight's show is comprised of songs that were released during the birth years of our lovely ten remaining contestants. Fitting with this theme, the intro videos are made of baby pictures and videos of the Idols being cute (and sometimes hideous). Blah...let's get this sentimental borefest over.
Ramiele Maboobaloo- So we are shown some hideous photos of Boobaloo with nasty freaky spiked baby troll hair. Quite fitting with her rabid image, her parents tell us that up until the age of three, she used to bite people for no reason. But then magically she started singing instead (oh thank goodness). Boobaloo then tells us that she was always getting into trouble as a kid...the trend has continued into young adulthood, though instead of being scolded by her parents for biting the living shit out of people, she gets scolded by the judges for singing terribly. She ends her stupid video saying something along the lines of how she needs to prove to America that she still deserves to be in the competition. Humph...good luck bitch.
She is singing "Alone" by Heart, which is slowly becoming the new "I Have Nothing" since it seems as though a contestant or two each season feels a need to tackle it...though no one can do the original justice. Well, except for maybe Carrie Under-bot, who rocked it pretty hard fourth season. But I highly doubt that Boobaloo will come even close to such a supremely impressive performance. She is wearing some shirt that leaves her shoulder (and bra strap) bare for the world to see. She has hideous lipstick on and with the lighting and the angle of the camera, it looks almost like she has a pube-mustache sprouting under her nose. Her eyes look all teary and I fancy the idea that she is crying because her high-waisted shorts make her ass look baggy and gross. She handles the quiet parts of the song decently, but when the big notes come, Maboobaloo's voice goes bolting for the exit. She cracks on a lot of the crucial parts of the chorus and then when she returns back to the gentle verse, her voice just sounds exhausted and not that good. I think she has a nice tone (sometimes), but her time is running out...and quickly.
Randy says that she was sick...which I guess I sympathize with...even though Kelly Clarkson nearly lost her damn voice halfway through the first season of Idol, but she was still incredible...so that excuse isn't really too valid. He says that it was pitchy and that the song was too big for her...which I guess is true. Paula, who I must mention is wearing the most hideous gloves in the world (elbow-length black gloves, with the fingers cut off and a million different bracelets and rings bedazzling her forearms), said that she was brave...which I also guess she is. But brave could also mean incredibly foolish in this situation. Almost as foolish as Paula is for wearing a giant sparkling Brillo pad as a dress. Simon pusses out on me and sticks up for the little runt and says that the performance wasn't as bad as Randy made it out to be. He thought that it was much better than last week...which really isn't too big of a compliment.
My Grade: C+
Jason Castro- So Crazy Hair was a funky looking little baby. He thinks that he might be an Aries and contemplates out loud whether or not he knows how to pronounce the word properly...or something. Whatever, he seems high. He has cute eyes when he was a kid and we are shown a video of him playing this electronic guitar when he was three or something. He's adorable and cute and everything you'd expect him to be.
He will be singing song boring-ass Sting song. It's all acoustic and shit and he has his guitar and there is fake marijuana smoke bellowing in off the side of the stage, just to get the authentic Castro jam session experience down to a tee. His eyes are extra sparkly tonight and his outfit is as awkwardly ugly as usual. His voice is very quiet this week...more than usual. He is extra-mellowed out and it sounds as though he is singing too softly to be really differentiated from the background singers. But then again, I think that is the way the song is supposed to be...very gentle and light...not bogged down by a heavy production value.
Randy throws the "that's one of my favorite songs" lines out that he always uses when he wants to rip someone a new one. He thought it was "nice" but definitely "not different" from the original in anyway, which seems to show a lack of creativity. Paula also uses her golden calling card of the season--"stay true to who you are"-- which basically means, "you kinda sucked, but hey, at least you're kooky and different." She called it safe. Simon follows up with a personal claim that Castro simply isn't taking this competition seriously anymore. I can see where he is coming from, but I don't think it is a lack of care, but instead a sense of getting lost. I feel like Castro is getting thrown off track and is having trouble staying focused on making his performances unique and interesting, while still trying to remain loyal to the sound that gained him all the praise and attention from earlier this season. Simon then says he sounded like a homeless man outside a subway bumming for nickels with a raggedy old guitar and whiskey-strained vocals. Castro... fucking be awesome again!
My Grade: B-
Syesha Mercado- Little Avocado was adorable when she was younger, even though the only shots we really see of her consist of her dressed up in hideous pseudo-cheer leading, pseudo-slutty spandex dance suits. Her abrasive-looking mother and Hispanic father say some shit about something and then Syesha does that upsetting baby voice thing she freaked us all out with a few ago. She then tells us that even though she's 21 and a sorta-celebrity now, she is still just a big goofball and we are shown clips of her being kooky and funny and whatever...just sing.
She is singing some song called "If I Were Your Woman" and like a lot of Avocado's other performances, her vocals are above average, but the song is just dreadfully uninteresting. She eye-flirts with the camera and makes some great emotive faces throughout. Her vocals are spot-on and at one point she goes into the dangerous whistle-falsetto zone that only champs like Mariah seem to come out of unscathed. She hits some high notes and more or less delivers a stellar performance. However, I am becoming concerned with Syesha's tendency to sound too old-fashioned. She sometimes delivers very wonderful, but also very classic and familiar performances that are great talent wise, but easily forgettable with more interesting contestants like David Cook and Carly Smithson mixing things up. Is she safe? Yeah. Her vocals were great. But can I really see someone so conventional win this season? Not really at all.
Randy thought it was her best performance so far, and I'll give him that. He calls it "stellar" which her vocals were and then throws in kind of under his breath, that she looks "blazing hot." Oh...that's...weird. Paula says that everyone will remember that this is "the moment where Syesha slipped it and became the dark horse." It makes kind of sense...but seriously, I'm sure once a few more contestants go up, we won't even really remember this performance. Simon thought it was the best performance so far tonight, which he laughs and self-admittedly means very little since the previous two performance were kind of sucky. He then brings up an interesting and easily debatable point that her voice has some limitations that may prevent her from really letting loose. I might understand what he means...but I still think that she was strong enough tonight to get her through to the next round.
My Grade: B+
Jacuzzi- Chickezie could very well be the cutest little kid in the history of the world. He had the biggest, most beautiful eyes in the entire world and there is a picture of him all dressed up in a little suit and it would probably make me go blind if I saw it again. He has Nigerian parents (we already know this!) that love religion and education and something something something.
He is singing "If Only For One Night" and from the title alone, I am already bored to death. The song starts kind of uneventful until Jacuzzi perks up and does some nice falsetto. The jacket he is wearing looks stained by some sort of unmentionable liquid held under a black light. He moves himself across the stage with such purpose and intent and focus on the audience that he seems almost like one of those possibly insane preachers that goes into the front row and knocks people over claiming God is molesting his body as a vessel for his supreme powers or something. This feeling is further stressed when he reaches down into the audience to grab a bunch of chaotically screaming girls. Once again I start to get bored, but halfway through the best gets all funky and soulful and the Jacuzzi I regrettably liked starts to come out of his shell. Near the end he belts a power note that just keeps going and going and going, rising in pitch every so often, and it's quite impressive.
Randy confuses the fuck out of me and says that it was "old-school" but in a bad way. Paula mumbles and spurts out a compliment or two, followed by a "great job" and another one of her spiels about "textures." Simon thought the performance was aight, but a little too (and I called it out loud RIGHT before he said it) "cheesy" with the hand holding and the dreamy eyes and all that goofy shit. Jacuzzi tries to defend himself and say that it was all for the audience, and Simon's all like "Fuck you, bitch...it's for the votes and you know it."
My Grade: B
Brooke White- So aside from being a kind of elephant child baby, Brooke was also (guess...no, come on...guess), in love with music! She distinctly remembers being like two and her parents brought home a piano. We are led to believe that she is some kind of Mozart child prodigy, cuz her parents tell us that she could hear a song on the TV and instantly learn how to play it on the piano. Pretty impressive. We are then shown a very unflattering shot of her sitting by the piano wearing huge nerd-festival glasses and looking mad weird. I guess it's cute and all...but I wish that there was some variety to these stories...like I get it...you want to be a musician, that's why you're on American Idol...isn't there something else, aside from music, that you liked as a child?
She is singing "Every Breath You Take" and I immediately role my eyes...and this is why: The Police fall into my category of bands that I seriously do not give a shit about...along with U2, Green Day and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, upon hearing the names of those bands I automatically am turned off cuz seriously...America...listen to something else. I get it...they are four really talented bands, but Jesus Christ...get off their rods for one fucking second and give other bands a chance. Stop glorifying them like they are the greatest musicians in the entire world. And alright...the Police aren't really active in the music scene right now, so...America...stop constantly harping back to how great they were...STOP! STOP! STOP! Oh...and U2 seriously blows. Ok...now that THAT is out of my system, I can begin. Brooke is singing that "Every Breath You Take" song that everyone automatically thinks is really sweet, when it is actually quite terrifying when you listen to the lyrics. She is seated at the piano and starts the song. She fucks up the first chord/word though, and starts over and I laugh. For the first half of the song there is no band playing. Just Brooke...and the piano. Hm...If I remember correctly, this is the same exact thing she did with "Let It Be." Brooke....seriously, stop trying to milk the whole "I'm a gentle flower child with a lot of feelings who just wants to play my piano and sing"...cuz it is getting staler than the novelty of Danny Noriega's homosexuality. Anyway, Brooke's ugly old lady fingers tickle the keys and her voice is decent. The band kicks in halfway through during the bridge, and I wouldn't say it ruins the song, but it really detracts from the subtle sweetness of the earlier, stripped half. Yes, I don't like Brooke...but I admit, she is a decent performer with a nice voice. Ug!
Randy thought it was a "great song" and that he liked when she messed up in the beginning...cuz it showed that she was a real musician...? He didn't like the arrangement, especially when Ricky Minor and the band popped in the middle. Skeletor with her long blacks bejeweled gloves liked it a lot more than last week and is glad that Brooke has found her niche...aka being the dirty hippy girl of the top 10. Simon agrees with Randy that the performance was ruined when the band came in, but that aside from that...it was "fantastic." Whoa...hold it right there tiger...that's a little heavy. It was "nice" and "cute" and "thoughtful" and "sweet"...but I would not say "fantastic." But whatever...I still irrationally dislike her.
My Grade: B+
Michael Johns- He was born in Australia (duh) and was an adorably handsome little kid. He is a Libra, which means he is "well-balanced" or something. He then counteracts that statement by saying that he used to have a terrible temper. As we have been told several times before...he loved tennis when he was younger and used to think he would grow up to play it professionally. Aw!
So he will be singing a meshing of "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" to which all sports fans in the world get on their feet and start the universal clapping/stomping beat that everyone does at every sports game ever. "Clap-Clap-STOMP! Clap-Clap-STOMP!" As soon as it starts I think to myself...damn man, if you can pull this off then you are golden. And he does. His vocals are strong from first to last and there is great vindication in his facial expressions and his eye fucks the camera and causes the front row of screaming girls to go apeshit. I don't really know what else to say. The song swells like it always does and is very dramatic, and Johns is right in the middle belting the shit out of it, basking in all the fucking spotlight glory that the song provides. But he deserves it...and it was awesome.
Randy thought it was his best performance so far...and I agree. Skeletor says it was a "shining moment"??? Which I ignore. Simon says that this is the first time in the competition that he has seen any sort of "star potential" in Johns, and that he "just got it [the performance] right." He also throws in a snide remark to the other contestants, saying that it was the only memorable performance so far tonight. Ha. Take that Brooke featuring piano!
My Grade: A
Carly Smithsonian- As a baby, our Irish darling had hair that was puffed out and curly and terrifying. But aside from the "ridiculous" hair...she was still a cute little kid. Her adorable parents get on screen and tell us that when she was about to be born, her mother didn't know what she wanted to name the child, so as she was being rushed to the hospital, she heard Carly Simon on the radio and scribbled that first name on her hand...and the rest is history. CUTE! I love that shit. Carly says that she always wanted to be a popstar...and I'm like, of course you did Carly...of course you did.
She says that she will be singing "Totaly Eclipse of the Heart" and I freak...like bitch, if you nail this, you'll be like Michael Johns and be a mother fucking GOD. Her voice starts very vulnerable...which is something we don't hear that often. She has the strength to her voice that she always does, but she does offer little moments of subtlety which are very nice. There is an effectively engaging dynamic created between Carly and the middle background singer as they volley their vocals back and forth and I'm really feeling this performance. Halfway through, it starts to get rocking and the spirit of Amanda Overmyer is brought on stage and guitars kick in and it gets pretty awesome. The song builds in intensity and climaxes with Carly doing this fucking awesome belt that is absolutely perfect. She is making her terrifying goblin-witch face, and she looks as though she is about to collapse on stage...but she is phenomenal. Now, however, I think back to the Michael Johns performance...and I notice a flaw. Whereas Johns really made the song an experience and got the crowd excited...Carly seems to just sing (very fucking well) the song. I feel, even though she kicked the songs ass, that the performance was just an American Idol performance...it didn't reach the multi-layered atmosphere of John's performance.
Randy didn't love it and starts immediately harping on how the last note was sharp...which I don't really think it was...and even so, it was still awesome. Paula says that Carly could sing every song that she dislikes, and she would make her end up enjoying them. Aw...Paula...when you actually make sense, you are kind of sweet. Simon thought that "something didn't quite work" and that Carly needs to lighten up. I hear that...I want to see fun Carly again. Since the top twelve started, we've only seen kind of dramatic and somber performances...do something light-hearted! Randy then chimes in some more about the last note...SHUT UP!
My Grade: B+
Jim Henson Presents: David Archuleta- So he was even a Muppet when he was a baby. A freaky little creature with an even scarier (stage)father. Anyway...as he grew up, Archuleta got kind of adorable, especially when his mother forced he and his sister to dress up in all white and where huge sombreros and dance around while being videotaped. Cute (and weird)!
He is singing "You're the Voice" which I have never heard of. The song starts really low and really fucking weird. I don't get it at all. The beginning is like kind of on this beat, but the rest of the song doesn't really follow it and it's confusing and bizarre and I wonder why Archuleta thought this was the best song from the year of his birth...which I seriously think is like 1991 (ah! I'm so old!). I think this may win the award for worst song choice this season thus far. It makes no sense, and David's awesome voice gets nearly drowned out by the background singers/music. He sings wells...but the song really murders him. David...come on. You're no longer the only contestant delivering solid performances...you need to step it up!
Randy thought it was a fucking weird song choice...though he sang it "very nice." Paula uses her goofy phonebook euphemism that means she likes his voice, but hated the song. Simon thought that, in parts, in was very good but that as a whole, he didn't like it. Reminiscent of a "theme park performance," which I totally understand. He then says that he was expected a bunch of cartoon characters to come out on stage and dance around...and I'm like...Simon, David is alright out there.
My Grade: C+
Kristy Lee Cook- She's still here for some reason and we are forcefed annoying pictures of her smiling and being cute. We are shown a perverted video of her singing in a bathing suit and are then told that when she was younger, she never shut the fuck up. To the point where the would seriously piss people off. But now, everyone welcomes her singing (ha...yeah right).
She walks out on stage looking especially "earthy" like she is attempting to look like Brooke and get some votes for it. But OH MY GOD. She starts singing and I don't even see what she is wearing anymore. The song is some goofy ass, lame stupid "God Bless the USA" song that is absolutely nauseating and cliche and terrible. What the hell? To appeal to the hicks of the country, Kristy turns from being a dumbass country girl to a conservative Bush loving creepfest. Now of course, these are all assumptions I am making, but when I see that digital American flag wave behind her on that giant screen, I admit that I feel ill. She only sings half the notes right and really butchers the big ones. It's like a terrible 4th of July picnic performance that you think is great cuz you can only sorta hear it, because you've already gone deaf from the fireworks. After I heave and cry and punch my TV, I wait for the judges to rip it apart.
But they don't...?!?!? Randy thought it was pitchy...but very nice???? Yet you gave Carly a fucking shitstorm cuz she may or may not have sung one note a little sharp? You suck. Paula thought it was poignant and even though she is a bad singer, her voice is finally getting stronger. NO! She still isn't good. And Simon thought it was the best performance for her so far and that it was the most clever song choice he's seen on the show in years. I guess so...considering all the fucking southern votes that will be swimming Kristy's way now. Ew...I feel sick.
My Grade: C
David Cook- David was a disgusting little baby. His forehead was twice the size of any other part of his body and he looked like one of those aliens from old movies with the gigantic skull that houses some sort of all-powerful brain. We are shown a bunch of terrifying pictures that he parents took of him, where he is making goofy faces and looking alien-like. He was given his first guitar when he was two and blah blah blah.
He is singing the Chris Cornell (lead singer of Soundgarden/Audioslave) version of "Bille Jean." Now, I have heard this cover and it is amazing. What I don't get though, is why David would take on an overly stylized cover and and overly stylized song and do absolutely nothing to it. The cover is acoustic and soft and very very creepy, and that's what made Cornell's version so engaging....that it really showed a new side to the song. So almost to cash in on this and hope that the majority of America is too stupid to realize that Chris Cornell already did this, he takes it on and I can't help but feel, pretend that it was his idea to make the song quiet and acoustic. Ug! Anyway...for once he doesn't have his guitar and it works out to his advantange. His voice is decent and he hits this really kick ass long note at the end...that is not only impressive, but could be one of the best notes I have ever heard on Idol. The song kind of has that ominious "Eleanor Rigby" feeling from a few weeks ago that I really didn't dig...but more or less...it's a good performance.
Randy thought it was the most original (AHHH!H!H!H!H!H! NO IT'S NOT!) performance he's ever seen. Paula is standing and seal-clapping and looking like a Skeletor monster and then she blathers something about him winning the competition. Simon thought it was "brave" and "amazing" (ajhajhahahahharfhsghdfgrd;gd;/......NO! It's not original!). Oh whatever...he still sang it well, but stop giving him kudos for it being original...he didn't make the cover!
My Grade: B+
Safe?
- David Cook for kidnapping the idea of an acoustic "Billie Jean"...and getting away with it.
- Michael Johns for rocking me and proving that he is the champion.
- Brooke White for singing the Police just like how she sang "Let It Be"...and getting away with it.
In Danger?
- Kristy Lee Cook for exploiting goofy patriotism and making me feel incredibly disgusted.
- Jason Castro for not doing anything different...ever.
- Maboobaloo, just because...AGAIN!
Ramiele Maboobaloo- So we are shown some hideous photos of Boobaloo with nasty freaky spiked baby troll hair. Quite fitting with her rabid image, her parents tell us that up until the age of three, she used to bite people for no reason. But then magically she started singing instead (oh thank goodness). Boobaloo then tells us that she was always getting into trouble as a kid...the trend has continued into young adulthood, though instead of being scolded by her parents for biting the living shit out of people, she gets scolded by the judges for singing terribly. She ends her stupid video saying something along the lines of how she needs to prove to America that she still deserves to be in the competition. Humph...good luck bitch.
She is singing "Alone" by Heart, which is slowly becoming the new "I Have Nothing" since it seems as though a contestant or two each season feels a need to tackle it...though no one can do the original justice. Well, except for maybe Carrie Under-bot, who rocked it pretty hard fourth season. But I highly doubt that Boobaloo will come even close to such a supremely impressive performance. She is wearing some shirt that leaves her shoulder (and bra strap) bare for the world to see. She has hideous lipstick on and with the lighting and the angle of the camera, it looks almost like she has a pube-mustache sprouting under her nose. Her eyes look all teary and I fancy the idea that she is crying because her high-waisted shorts make her ass look baggy and gross. She handles the quiet parts of the song decently, but when the big notes come, Maboobaloo's voice goes bolting for the exit. She cracks on a lot of the crucial parts of the chorus and then when she returns back to the gentle verse, her voice just sounds exhausted and not that good. I think she has a nice tone (sometimes), but her time is running out...and quickly.
Randy says that she was sick...which I guess I sympathize with...even though Kelly Clarkson nearly lost her damn voice halfway through the first season of Idol, but she was still incredible...so that excuse isn't really too valid. He says that it was pitchy and that the song was too big for her...which I guess is true. Paula, who I must mention is wearing the most hideous gloves in the world (elbow-length black gloves, with the fingers cut off and a million different bracelets and rings bedazzling her forearms), said that she was brave...which I also guess she is. But brave could also mean incredibly foolish in this situation. Almost as foolish as Paula is for wearing a giant sparkling Brillo pad as a dress. Simon pusses out on me and sticks up for the little runt and says that the performance wasn't as bad as Randy made it out to be. He thought that it was much better than last week...which really isn't too big of a compliment.
My Grade: C+
Jason Castro- So Crazy Hair was a funky looking little baby. He thinks that he might be an Aries and contemplates out loud whether or not he knows how to pronounce the word properly...or something. Whatever, he seems high. He has cute eyes when he was a kid and we are shown a video of him playing this electronic guitar when he was three or something. He's adorable and cute and everything you'd expect him to be.
He will be singing song boring-ass Sting song. It's all acoustic and shit and he has his guitar and there is fake marijuana smoke bellowing in off the side of the stage, just to get the authentic Castro jam session experience down to a tee. His eyes are extra sparkly tonight and his outfit is as awkwardly ugly as usual. His voice is very quiet this week...more than usual. He is extra-mellowed out and it sounds as though he is singing too softly to be really differentiated from the background singers. But then again, I think that is the way the song is supposed to be...very gentle and light...not bogged down by a heavy production value.
Randy throws the "that's one of my favorite songs" lines out that he always uses when he wants to rip someone a new one. He thought it was "nice" but definitely "not different" from the original in anyway, which seems to show a lack of creativity. Paula also uses her golden calling card of the season--"stay true to who you are"-- which basically means, "you kinda sucked, but hey, at least you're kooky and different." She called it safe. Simon follows up with a personal claim that Castro simply isn't taking this competition seriously anymore. I can see where he is coming from, but I don't think it is a lack of care, but instead a sense of getting lost. I feel like Castro is getting thrown off track and is having trouble staying focused on making his performances unique and interesting, while still trying to remain loyal to the sound that gained him all the praise and attention from earlier this season. Simon then says he sounded like a homeless man outside a subway bumming for nickels with a raggedy old guitar and whiskey-strained vocals. Castro... fucking be awesome again!
My Grade: B-
Syesha Mercado- Little Avocado was adorable when she was younger, even though the only shots we really see of her consist of her dressed up in hideous pseudo-cheer leading, pseudo-slutty spandex dance suits. Her abrasive-looking mother and Hispanic father say some shit about something and then Syesha does that upsetting baby voice thing she freaked us all out with a few ago. She then tells us that even though she's 21 and a sorta-celebrity now, she is still just a big goofball and we are shown clips of her being kooky and funny and whatever...just sing.
She is singing some song called "If I Were Your Woman" and like a lot of Avocado's other performances, her vocals are above average, but the song is just dreadfully uninteresting. She eye-flirts with the camera and makes some great emotive faces throughout. Her vocals are spot-on and at one point she goes into the dangerous whistle-falsetto zone that only champs like Mariah seem to come out of unscathed. She hits some high notes and more or less delivers a stellar performance. However, I am becoming concerned with Syesha's tendency to sound too old-fashioned. She sometimes delivers very wonderful, but also very classic and familiar performances that are great talent wise, but easily forgettable with more interesting contestants like David Cook and Carly Smithson mixing things up. Is she safe? Yeah. Her vocals were great. But can I really see someone so conventional win this season? Not really at all.
Randy thought it was her best performance so far, and I'll give him that. He calls it "stellar" which her vocals were and then throws in kind of under his breath, that she looks "blazing hot." Oh...that's...weird. Paula says that everyone will remember that this is "the moment where Syesha slipped it and became the dark horse." It makes kind of sense...but seriously, I'm sure once a few more contestants go up, we won't even really remember this performance. Simon thought it was the best performance so far tonight, which he laughs and self-admittedly means very little since the previous two performance were kind of sucky. He then brings up an interesting and easily debatable point that her voice has some limitations that may prevent her from really letting loose. I might understand what he means...but I still think that she was strong enough tonight to get her through to the next round.
My Grade: B+
Jacuzzi- Chickezie could very well be the cutest little kid in the history of the world. He had the biggest, most beautiful eyes in the entire world and there is a picture of him all dressed up in a little suit and it would probably make me go blind if I saw it again. He has Nigerian parents (we already know this!) that love religion and education and something something something.
He is singing "If Only For One Night" and from the title alone, I am already bored to death. The song starts kind of uneventful until Jacuzzi perks up and does some nice falsetto. The jacket he is wearing looks stained by some sort of unmentionable liquid held under a black light. He moves himself across the stage with such purpose and intent and focus on the audience that he seems almost like one of those possibly insane preachers that goes into the front row and knocks people over claiming God is molesting his body as a vessel for his supreme powers or something. This feeling is further stressed when he reaches down into the audience to grab a bunch of chaotically screaming girls. Once again I start to get bored, but halfway through the best gets all funky and soulful and the Jacuzzi I regrettably liked starts to come out of his shell. Near the end he belts a power note that just keeps going and going and going, rising in pitch every so often, and it's quite impressive.
Randy confuses the fuck out of me and says that it was "old-school" but in a bad way. Paula mumbles and spurts out a compliment or two, followed by a "great job" and another one of her spiels about "textures." Simon thought the performance was aight, but a little too (and I called it out loud RIGHT before he said it) "cheesy" with the hand holding and the dreamy eyes and all that goofy shit. Jacuzzi tries to defend himself and say that it was all for the audience, and Simon's all like "Fuck you, bitch...it's for the votes and you know it."
My Grade: B
Brooke White- So aside from being a kind of elephant child baby, Brooke was also (guess...no, come on...guess), in love with music! She distinctly remembers being like two and her parents brought home a piano. We are led to believe that she is some kind of Mozart child prodigy, cuz her parents tell us that she could hear a song on the TV and instantly learn how to play it on the piano. Pretty impressive. We are then shown a very unflattering shot of her sitting by the piano wearing huge nerd-festival glasses and looking mad weird. I guess it's cute and all...but I wish that there was some variety to these stories...like I get it...you want to be a musician, that's why you're on American Idol...isn't there something else, aside from music, that you liked as a child?
She is singing "Every Breath You Take" and I immediately role my eyes...and this is why: The Police fall into my category of bands that I seriously do not give a shit about...along with U2, Green Day and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, upon hearing the names of those bands I automatically am turned off cuz seriously...America...listen to something else. I get it...they are four really talented bands, but Jesus Christ...get off their rods for one fucking second and give other bands a chance. Stop glorifying them like they are the greatest musicians in the entire world. And alright...the Police aren't really active in the music scene right now, so...America...stop constantly harping back to how great they were...STOP! STOP! STOP! Oh...and U2 seriously blows. Ok...now that THAT is out of my system, I can begin. Brooke is singing that "Every Breath You Take" song that everyone automatically thinks is really sweet, when it is actually quite terrifying when you listen to the lyrics. She is seated at the piano and starts the song. She fucks up the first chord/word though, and starts over and I laugh. For the first half of the song there is no band playing. Just Brooke...and the piano. Hm...If I remember correctly, this is the same exact thing she did with "Let It Be." Brooke....seriously, stop trying to milk the whole "I'm a gentle flower child with a lot of feelings who just wants to play my piano and sing"...cuz it is getting staler than the novelty of Danny Noriega's homosexuality. Anyway, Brooke's ugly old lady fingers tickle the keys and her voice is decent. The band kicks in halfway through during the bridge, and I wouldn't say it ruins the song, but it really detracts from the subtle sweetness of the earlier, stripped half. Yes, I don't like Brooke...but I admit, she is a decent performer with a nice voice. Ug!
Randy thought it was a "great song" and that he liked when she messed up in the beginning...cuz it showed that she was a real musician...? He didn't like the arrangement, especially when Ricky Minor and the band popped in the middle. Skeletor with her long blacks bejeweled gloves liked it a lot more than last week and is glad that Brooke has found her niche...aka being the dirty hippy girl of the top 10. Simon agrees with Randy that the performance was ruined when the band came in, but that aside from that...it was "fantastic." Whoa...hold it right there tiger...that's a little heavy. It was "nice" and "cute" and "thoughtful" and "sweet"...but I would not say "fantastic." But whatever...I still irrationally dislike her.
My Grade: B+
Michael Johns- He was born in Australia (duh) and was an adorably handsome little kid. He is a Libra, which means he is "well-balanced" or something. He then counteracts that statement by saying that he used to have a terrible temper. As we have been told several times before...he loved tennis when he was younger and used to think he would grow up to play it professionally. Aw!
So he will be singing a meshing of "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" to which all sports fans in the world get on their feet and start the universal clapping/stomping beat that everyone does at every sports game ever. "Clap-Clap-STOMP! Clap-Clap-STOMP!" As soon as it starts I think to myself...damn man, if you can pull this off then you are golden. And he does. His vocals are strong from first to last and there is great vindication in his facial expressions and his eye fucks the camera and causes the front row of screaming girls to go apeshit. I don't really know what else to say. The song swells like it always does and is very dramatic, and Johns is right in the middle belting the shit out of it, basking in all the fucking spotlight glory that the song provides. But he deserves it...and it was awesome.
Randy thought it was his best performance so far...and I agree. Skeletor says it was a "shining moment"??? Which I ignore. Simon says that this is the first time in the competition that he has seen any sort of "star potential" in Johns, and that he "just got it [the performance] right." He also throws in a snide remark to the other contestants, saying that it was the only memorable performance so far tonight. Ha. Take that Brooke featuring piano!
My Grade: A
Carly Smithsonian- As a baby, our Irish darling had hair that was puffed out and curly and terrifying. But aside from the "ridiculous" hair...she was still a cute little kid. Her adorable parents get on screen and tell us that when she was about to be born, her mother didn't know what she wanted to name the child, so as she was being rushed to the hospital, she heard Carly Simon on the radio and scribbled that first name on her hand...and the rest is history. CUTE! I love that shit. Carly says that she always wanted to be a popstar...and I'm like, of course you did Carly...of course you did.
She says that she will be singing "Totaly Eclipse of the Heart" and I freak...like bitch, if you nail this, you'll be like Michael Johns and be a mother fucking GOD. Her voice starts very vulnerable...which is something we don't hear that often. She has the strength to her voice that she always does, but she does offer little moments of subtlety which are very nice. There is an effectively engaging dynamic created between Carly and the middle background singer as they volley their vocals back and forth and I'm really feeling this performance. Halfway through, it starts to get rocking and the spirit of Amanda Overmyer is brought on stage and guitars kick in and it gets pretty awesome. The song builds in intensity and climaxes with Carly doing this fucking awesome belt that is absolutely perfect. She is making her terrifying goblin-witch face, and she looks as though she is about to collapse on stage...but she is phenomenal. Now, however, I think back to the Michael Johns performance...and I notice a flaw. Whereas Johns really made the song an experience and got the crowd excited...Carly seems to just sing (very fucking well) the song. I feel, even though she kicked the songs ass, that the performance was just an American Idol performance...it didn't reach the multi-layered atmosphere of John's performance.
Randy didn't love it and starts immediately harping on how the last note was sharp...which I don't really think it was...and even so, it was still awesome. Paula says that Carly could sing every song that she dislikes, and she would make her end up enjoying them. Aw...Paula...when you actually make sense, you are kind of sweet. Simon thought that "something didn't quite work" and that Carly needs to lighten up. I hear that...I want to see fun Carly again. Since the top twelve started, we've only seen kind of dramatic and somber performances...do something light-hearted! Randy then chimes in some more about the last note...SHUT UP!
My Grade: B+
Jim Henson Presents: David Archuleta- So he was even a Muppet when he was a baby. A freaky little creature with an even scarier (stage)father. Anyway...as he grew up, Archuleta got kind of adorable, especially when his mother forced he and his sister to dress up in all white and where huge sombreros and dance around while being videotaped. Cute (and weird)!
He is singing "You're the Voice" which I have never heard of. The song starts really low and really fucking weird. I don't get it at all. The beginning is like kind of on this beat, but the rest of the song doesn't really follow it and it's confusing and bizarre and I wonder why Archuleta thought this was the best song from the year of his birth...which I seriously think is like 1991 (ah! I'm so old!). I think this may win the award for worst song choice this season thus far. It makes no sense, and David's awesome voice gets nearly drowned out by the background singers/music. He sings wells...but the song really murders him. David...come on. You're no longer the only contestant delivering solid performances...you need to step it up!
Randy thought it was a fucking weird song choice...though he sang it "very nice." Paula uses her goofy phonebook euphemism that means she likes his voice, but hated the song. Simon thought that, in parts, in was very good but that as a whole, he didn't like it. Reminiscent of a "theme park performance," which I totally understand. He then says that he was expected a bunch of cartoon characters to come out on stage and dance around...and I'm like...Simon, David is alright out there.
My Grade: C+
Kristy Lee Cook- She's still here for some reason and we are forcefed annoying pictures of her smiling and being cute. We are shown a perverted video of her singing in a bathing suit and are then told that when she was younger, she never shut the fuck up. To the point where the would seriously piss people off. But now, everyone welcomes her singing (ha...yeah right).
She walks out on stage looking especially "earthy" like she is attempting to look like Brooke and get some votes for it. But OH MY GOD. She starts singing and I don't even see what she is wearing anymore. The song is some goofy ass, lame stupid "God Bless the USA" song that is absolutely nauseating and cliche and terrible. What the hell? To appeal to the hicks of the country, Kristy turns from being a dumbass country girl to a conservative Bush loving creepfest. Now of course, these are all assumptions I am making, but when I see that digital American flag wave behind her on that giant screen, I admit that I feel ill. She only sings half the notes right and really butchers the big ones. It's like a terrible 4th of July picnic performance that you think is great cuz you can only sorta hear it, because you've already gone deaf from the fireworks. After I heave and cry and punch my TV, I wait for the judges to rip it apart.
But they don't...?!?!? Randy thought it was pitchy...but very nice???? Yet you gave Carly a fucking shitstorm cuz she may or may not have sung one note a little sharp? You suck. Paula thought it was poignant and even though she is a bad singer, her voice is finally getting stronger. NO! She still isn't good. And Simon thought it was the best performance for her so far and that it was the most clever song choice he's seen on the show in years. I guess so...considering all the fucking southern votes that will be swimming Kristy's way now. Ew...I feel sick.
My Grade: C
David Cook- David was a disgusting little baby. His forehead was twice the size of any other part of his body and he looked like one of those aliens from old movies with the gigantic skull that houses some sort of all-powerful brain. We are shown a bunch of terrifying pictures that he parents took of him, where he is making goofy faces and looking alien-like. He was given his first guitar when he was two and blah blah blah.
He is singing the Chris Cornell (lead singer of Soundgarden/Audioslave) version of "Bille Jean." Now, I have heard this cover and it is amazing. What I don't get though, is why David would take on an overly stylized cover and and overly stylized song and do absolutely nothing to it. The cover is acoustic and soft and very very creepy, and that's what made Cornell's version so engaging....that it really showed a new side to the song. So almost to cash in on this and hope that the majority of America is too stupid to realize that Chris Cornell already did this, he takes it on and I can't help but feel, pretend that it was his idea to make the song quiet and acoustic. Ug! Anyway...for once he doesn't have his guitar and it works out to his advantange. His voice is decent and he hits this really kick ass long note at the end...that is not only impressive, but could be one of the best notes I have ever heard on Idol. The song kind of has that ominious "Eleanor Rigby" feeling from a few weeks ago that I really didn't dig...but more or less...it's a good performance.
Randy thought it was the most original (AHHH!H!H!H!H!H! NO IT'S NOT!) performance he's ever seen. Paula is standing and seal-clapping and looking like a Skeletor monster and then she blathers something about him winning the competition. Simon thought it was "brave" and "amazing" (ajhajhahahahharfhsghdfgrd;gd;/......NO! It's not original!). Oh whatever...he still sang it well, but stop giving him kudos for it being original...he didn't make the cover!
My Grade: B+
Safe?
- David Cook for kidnapping the idea of an acoustic "Billie Jean"...and getting away with it.
- Michael Johns for rocking me and proving that he is the champion.
- Brooke White for singing the Police just like how she sang "Let It Be"...and getting away with it.
In Danger?
- Kristy Lee Cook for exploiting goofy patriotism and making me feel incredibly disgusted.
- Jason Castro for not doing anything different...ever.
- Maboobaloo, just because...AGAIN!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Top 11 - The Beatles - Part Deux
Okay, so since we didn't hear enough Beatles songs massacred last week, we will once again be revisiting the classic catalogue with a collection of pseudo-decent verging on mediocre performances tonight. This week's "Getting To Know You" video intro for each idol will give the contestants a chance to recount their favorite moment so far in the competition...cuz you know, it would be silly to wait and have this question further on when they've had more moments to choose from. The producers of this show are seriously wacked. Starting us off tonight is...
Amanda Overmyer - In her lame intro video, we are told that Amanda's favorite part in the competition so far has been playing on the "big stage." Duh! Like, since Amanda is such a rocker and is so unconventional, she is only used to playing on flatbed trucks. She's so hardcore! Seriously though, I am a little scared of her. She tells us that she will be singing "Back In the U.S.S.R." and that she is going to "throw some black eyeliner on it" which I take as a terribly unfortunate threat to the poor Beatles song.
Because she is such a rocker, the song begins with Amanda growling at the audience, "are you ready?" with little response from the terrified lambs in the front row who are droned into clapping like a bunch of seals, all at different times ignoring any sort of beat or unity. Amanda is dressed like that annoying goth girl Amy Lee who leads Evanescence. She's wearing this odd black vest that is rather tight and shows off Skunk-Girl's quite manly shoulders/arms. Her singing is as it always is...confusing. I have come to the conclusion that she doesn't really sing as she simply wails along with the band. It works sometimes, but it is definitely getting old. There are times when she "gets really into it" where she starts to shake and almost looks as though she is going to explode. A little nauseating, I start to get really anxious when I watch Amanda and also quite bored. In all honesty, I have a feeling that if you were to play all of Amanda's performances thus far, back to back, the similarity between the songs would be striking and a bit repetitive. Yes Amanda, we know you rock. But does that mean you deserve to be in the competition still?
Randy thought it was the perfect song choice, which I guess is alright. This is one of the most "rocking" Beatles songs out there, so it fits. Though it was pitchy in some parts, he thought it picked up near the middle and kind of redeemed itself. Paula thought she was ahead of the beat, which I don't think could even be true, considering that Amanda doesn't really pay attention to things like timing or melody, rather preferring to just bark and yell over the band. Paula wishes she would do a ballad or something which I agree. I can imagine her doing that Janis Joplin song "Me and Bobby McGee" and I think that it would show a really vulnerable side of her that might be very effective. Simon thought it was predictable and a mess and boring. Amanda tells the judges to fuck off and that she hates ballads and that she refuses to do anything more than the same old shtick we have seen every week thus far. The audience goes nuts at her rebellion and she throws her mannish arms into the air and screams and it's really really frightening.
My Grade: B-
Kristy Lee Cook - So Kristy reflects on how she has been consistently in the bottom two for the past like five weeks, which I think should be a sign that her ass needs to be kicked to the Idol curb. She knows nothing about the Beatles apparently and that she randomly chose "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" cuz the title was "good." Oh Jesus. She is seriously going to murder the living fuck out of one of my favorite Beatles songs.
The performance opens with the spotlight directly on Kristy and the sparkling curtain she ripped out of Ryan's dressing room to wear as a dress. Her voice reminds me of Stevie Nicks, though not nearly as good or comfortable or genuine or human. Her vibrato is in full force this week and she knows she's the one to go home this week. She constantly blinks her dead eyes to the camera and it's distracting. Her vocals aren't terrible, but then she hits the chorus and even though she plays with the beat of the background vocals in a cool on-and-off dynamic kind of way, as soon as she sings "hide your love away" she completely abandons any melody and just sings some random fucking notes. She seems completely disconnected from the song, like she doesn't even give a shit. Even though she belts the last note very well, she looks as though she has already been voted off and is singing her farewell track. Looking defeated, she's like a Carrie Underwood-Robot only not a good singer.
Randy loves that Beatles song but thought the arrangement was "interesting" aka real shitty. He agrees with me and says that she didn't show nearly enough emotion to make the performance even close to being good. He also calls Kristy out on singing the melody of the song completely wrong. Paula latches onto that comment, but since she is such a nice (drunk) person, she follows it up with how this is "the best she's ever looked," to which I say, "well duh, bitch, you both shopped at the same store." Just to note, Paula is wearing quite possibly the ugliest sparkle-shaking shirt ever made that needs to be sent back to the age of disco, where it was spawned from. Simon thinks she needs some heavy brain hypnotizing...cuz she is a terrible performing. He calls her wallpaper, and then says that she's only memorable when she's absolutely terrible, to which Paula bursts out into laughter. Ha! Kristy then says that she will "blow you [Simon] out of her socks," and every one's minds go to the gutter and everyone laughs and Kristy realizes she just offered to blow Simon on national television. Good luck tomorrow night girl.
My Grade: C
David Archuleta - So every one's favorite Muppet is still adorable. His most memorable moment was when he forgot his lyrics last week...AW! I feel bad for David, cuz he is such a sweet kid, but rumor has it that he has a terrifyingly controlling stage-father who like sits in on all his rehearsals and yells at him and makes him cry! NO! Get your hand out of my Muppet David's ass! Anyway, in the video he also tells us that he will be singing "The Long and Winding Road" and he and his awkward eyebrows smile and giggle and I can't get over how damn precious this kid is. He hopes he remembers all his lyrics this week :giggle:...AW!
He is sharply dressed in a nice suit jacket and his hair is all jostled about. He is instantly on the second he second he hits the stage. There is not much to say about the performance. It's really great. A sea of annoying waving hands lay out before David. The puppet emotes the living fuck out of the song and swells with the big notes and comes back down perfectly with the low notes. He finishes and gets a standing ovation from the audience. The camera gives a quick shot to David's father who looks big-armed and threatening clapping his monstrously huge hands together.
Randy, who by the way is wearing some coral shell bracelet, thought that David was back on his A-game today, though he could have afforded to jazz it up a little more. Paula blathers about purity and rising above adversity and cocaine and ponies and colors and I'm not listening. Simon thought it was "amazing" to which the entire audience of high school girls SCREEEEEAAAAAAM. It was a "master class."
My Grade: B+
Michael Johns - Michael and his hideous brimmed hat tells us that he was proud of himself in Hollywood week for singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" and actually being praised by Simon. He informs us that he will be singing "A Day In the Life" and prefaces his performance by telling us that it was difficult to cram such a long song (6 minutes) into only 1 minute, which is an instant red flag to me.
The performance starts slow and he strolls to the front of the stage in his Michael Johns kind of way. He is dressed with a loosened tie and his shirt sleeves rolled up like he is unwinding after a long day at the office. The problem he mentioned in his video becomes apparent when the song shifts from the slow kind of solace beginning to the jumpy middle section that is beckoned in by a ringing bell and a change of tempo. This song is way too grand of a track to be condensed for American Idol, and I think his performance really suffers from this fact. It feels like a poorly put together collection of three separate songs, that don't really mesh well with one another. Michael's vocals are strong, especially when he wails, but the arrangement is weird to the point that it is distracting. It also doesn't help that the camera man thinks it is a good idea to spin around Michael like fifteen times, making me not only confused by the performance but also dizzy and nauseated. Also, Michael is prone to making these hideous moaning "oh" faces with his eyes shut and his mouth slacked open and head cocked upward like his basking in some glorious rays of holy sunlight.
Randy thought it wasn't one of his best. He has that "big ole' voice" and hasn't yet found a song to really display it. Paula claims that it's the monitors in the contestant's ears that can mess them up...which doesn't really make sense, especially since a) the shitty arrangement of the song would still be terrible regardless of whether there was anything in Michael's ears or not and b) we later discover that he doesn't have the hearing receivers in his ears, so there is no excuse...so shut up Paula. Simon thinks she's drunk and refuses to believe that phony excuse. He thought it was a mess and overly complicated and that Michael really needs to "start sorting" himself out. I agree. I feel like both Michael and Jason have been coasting on the strength of their earlier performances. You can sing, boy! Now find a song that really let's you do it!
My Grade: B-
Brooke White - Ryan calls Brooke "the sweetest person alive" and I believe this statement to be true...which I think may be one of the reasons why I sorta am put off by her. She is too innocent and cutesy. She obviously picks her cry-fest last week as her most memorable moment so far on Idol and that she is overwhelmed about this week and attempting to follow-up the critically acclaimed "Let It Be" from last week. She is performing "Here Comes the Sun" of course.
She starts singing crippled on the pointless stairs. She is wearing some sort of hideous multi-layered crepe-like yellow dress. Everything on stage is yellow and it's so predictably bright and shiny that I start to feel sick to my stomach. She stands up and head to a mic stand in the middle of the stage, but not before attempting to be overly endearing and twirling around like a ballerina while letting out a playful "woo!" that makes me cringe. Her vocals are alright, but everytime she does the token "do do do do" part of the song, she sounds real goofy and uncomfortable. The beautiful sunchild awkwardly dances around the mic stand like she's in some drug-induced state of euphoria. Her arms keep jutting out to the sides and she is swiveling around attempting to flair out her dress ("Stop trying to make your dress twirl! You look like an asshole!" - Sam). She then starts to hit some really bad bum notes and all the sparkling teeth in her mouth can't salvage this cheese-fest.
Randy makes embarrassing note of the "woo" and the shitty dancing. "Awkward" is how he describes the performance. She looks crushed upon hearing his criticism and begins aggressively agreeing with every single thing Randy says. Randy says that she never really connected to the song. I agree. Paula "can't help but smile" when she sees her and then lies and says that she has a great low tone...no she doesn't. Simon calls it "terrible" and "wet" (?). Brooke starts interrupting him from the get-go and tries oh-so-hard to jump in and say that she knows and agrees and blah blah blah. Just let him talk. Brooke then yells "LISTEN!" and awkwardly shuts up the judges to say something unimportant. More bantering takes place and all I keep thinking is that Brooke is slowly loosing her mind. She has done this before..the second any negativity comes her way, she starts to rattle on and on and on about nothing, in what seems to be an attempt to accept the negativity and move on past it as soon as possible. She needs to chill out.
My Grade: C+
David Cook - ...or Mr. Chowder as my house mates and I like to inexplicably call him. His most memorable moment so far was last week when Simon said he could win the show. He then talks about being a rocker and is self-indulgent and it's a little pretentious. He will be singing "Day Tripper."
Of course he has guitar in tow and he starts the performance with a strong guitar lick. There are two mic stands in front of him and I am confused. Even though he has those obnoxious rocker facial expressions down pat and his air looks like it hasn't been washed in seven weeks. His voice at times reminds me of the lead singer of Fuel, which is a good thing. Mr. Chowder's voice is very strong and sturdy and hits the low notes perfectly, but there is just something slightly off-putting by his whole uber-hardcore style. Like...the hair...the all black...the guitar...the loosened tie around his neck...it all feels just oh so formulaic. Regardless though, he sings extremely well and belts and does all the shit I expect him to. At times he sounds like he is saying "gay stripper" and I begin to think that the performance is dedicated to David Hernandez...cute. Halfway through he moves over to the other mic stand and starts using one of those voicebox tube things that always make an artist seem ten times more musical than they actually are.
Randy thought it was "solid" and offered variety. I agree...David's performances always have multiple elements that keep him fresh. Paula things he is ready to sell records...and unlike many of the other contestants, his voice seems to be radio-ready. Simon thought it "wasn't as good as you [he] thought it was." He thinks David has lost his element of surprise, which I think is a lie. Simon didn't like how "smug" he was and I totally get it. Then Ryan flirts like he will use the voicebox but then he doesn't and he's a LAME-O!
My Grade: B+
Carly Smithson - So her and her cute accent's favorite moment was last week when Simon said that she was Kelly Clarkson. She will be singing "Blackbird" and I am very apprehensive cuz this song is so so so mellow and quiet and I don't know if Carly will be able to do it justice with her (if I may, Randy) "big ole voice."
And I think I am right. In all honesty, her voice is just waaaaaay too big for the song and its limitations. There aren't a lot of opportunities for her to belt or really showcase her voice. Of course, her tone is wonderful and for once she goes really look like a goblin this performance. Her eyes are piercing and her hair is beautiful. Her dress is absolutely hideous, but whatever...bitch can sing. She looks kind of like a Kindergarten teacher (says Christina) singing her class to sleep and the entire audience is waving their hands back and forth.
Randy thought it was very cool..."cooliosous"? Paula loves the arrangement, the performance and the entire season. She then gives her an F...which means Fantastic...not Failure. Simon thought it was retarded to pick that song. "Indulgent" flies out of his mouth...and Carly starts doing the one thing I really really really hate which is when a contestant starts to explain their connection to the song as if it validates a mediocre performance. But she was good...the song just didn't fit her. Then Randy says something about cream cheese.
My Grade: B
Jason Castro - He was thrilled to sing "Hallelujah" a few weeks ago even though he hit a bum note at the end. Castro is mad goofy and doofy and oofy. He laughs at awkward moments and doesn't really know what he is saying most of the time. He starts blathering about the origins of "my bell" or something I dunno. He explains how he had to learn French to sing the song, which I think deserves some sort of praise. I also think that this song will fit him like a glove.
He is wearing the tightest parents in the entire world. He smiles like a goofball and starts to look like some sort of animated character. Maybe Castro was created by the Jim Henson puppet workshop along with Archuleta. His singing is decent...if maybe just a little boring. He is guitarless this week which has left him to just walk around on stage waving his arms around listlessly and it is a little a awkward. He doesn't feel completely connected with the song, or even that thrilled to be performing. He has a nice voice, but I am beginning to realize that it is one of the (dare I say) weaker ones in the competition. He is a good performer, but just focusing on his voice, it's a little frail. He stares dreamily into the camera and plays with he dreads and is endearing.
Randy just thought it was "interesting" aka bad...and said that it was a little too subdued for him. Castro starts blathering about something and Randy indulges him. Paula thinks the female population of the world wants to sleep with him. She also, surprisingly, makes a great point and says that he always seems disconnected when he leaves his guitar. Simon thinks the producers are retarded for doing this Beatles two weeks in a row, since last week was good, and this week is mediocre at best. Simon also says that Jason should be glad that this is a television show...not a radio show. Basically, he thinks that he emotes the song well with his handsome face and goofy smile. His vocals are kind of sliding I think. My both of my two favorites from earlier this season (Castro and Johns) really need to step it up and show something different formidable...with people like Jacuzzi and David Cook coming to the forefront of the competition, they really need to keep themselves relevant. There's only so far a kooky hairstyle can get you!
My Grade: B-
Syesha Avocado - First off, she looks beautiful this week. Her hair is straightened and she has this earthy-toned summer dress on and she looks much older and much more dignified. She remembers Hollywood week, but she is more haunted by last week when she was in the bottom three. She reflects on how she thinks it gave her a kick in the butt to do better, and I totally agree. She is going to be singing "Yesterday" because she remembered singing it in one of those middle school Beatles medleys that every single school district puts on to appease their hippy-turned-business parent's younger selves.
She is seated on a stool looking humble and fragile and there is this little man next to her playing the acoustic guitar. Her face is absolutely stunning and she really fucking works the hell out of this song. She belts midway through and is incredible. She tries to do the Mariah Carey whistle-falsetto, and only half does it. Aside from that little squeaky mess, I think that this performance is her strongest so far and that it is genuine and moving and like Brooke's performance last week...only not irritating.
Randy thought it was a "very...very...VERY good performance." Paula loves the vulnerability and the guitar player Paul. Paula wants her to connect with the audience more. Shut up Paula! Simon thought it was her best...not incredible...but the best song choice this nice. He compares her to Eva Cassidy and then says that Brooke should have sang this song instead of that terrible sunshine mess from earlier this night. Is she safe? Simon thinks so. WAY TO GO S-YES-sha!
My Grade: B+
Jacuzzi - I'm curious to see if this guy will deliver another stellar performance, since he seriously kicked everyone's ass last week. He loves Hollywood and we are shown a video of him running around on stage yelling which is then tied into his performance last week and how he bugged out after Simon called him "terrific." He then more or less threatens Ryan Seacrest to not touch his face ever again. His favorite Beatle? John Lennon. Real original. But Jacuzzi isn't so predictable, he will be singing a Paul McCartney song, and since everyone else seems to be playing an instrument this season, he said that he is gonna try to as well.
He starts singing some sort of R.Kelly remix of the song with his milky smooth vocals and it's okay...if maybe a little too mellow for my taste.......oh wait...what? Nevermind? He rips out a harmonica and plays it and I don't know how I feel about it. Like...if he hadn't had mentioned in the video that he was picking up a random instrument and playing it during his performance, I would have liked it more, but since it is already prerevealed that he will be butchering the song with a myterdy instrumet, when it finally happens and I less than impressed. He then starts channeling the Jacuzzi from last week and does the soulful rocker wailing that made last week's performance incredible. He starts to sing low and kind of sounds like Bill "Puddin' Pop" Cosby for a few seconds. He ends the performance with the harmonica, and in all honesty, even though he sings (very) well, I found the whole performance quite gimmicky and predictable.
Randy thought there were good and bad parts. The slow beginning was bad, the up-tempo middle was good and the harmonica was really weird. Paula thinks Jacuzzi is "showing who he is"... which she has said 437 times so far this eason. Simon thought it was going fine until the amauterish harmonica...then it turned into the "Achy Breaky Heart"...haha. It felt like a howdown. And then Simon calls it "Gimmicky" and I pat myself on the back. Yes!
My Grade: B
Ramile Maboobaloo - She loves all the friends she has made! She calls Brooke her den-mother and David her big brother and we are shown her hugging everyone in the world and making that annoying "oh-low" sound she constantly keeps doing in an attempt to be cute.
She is singing "Should Have Known Better" and right from the beginning it is a mess. Jacuzzi is on the harmonica in the background and the song just kind of strums along without any real emotion. She is dressed like Asia'h Epperson (remember her?) and looks a little plump and she smiles goofy at the audience. Her vocals are kind of off throughout the entire performance. She has out of place weird belting that doesn't work. She seems only a quarter dedicated to the song, with the other three quarters feeling awkward and out of place.
Randy thought it was just "eh." Paula says that it was much better than last week and thinks that she should only sing ballads cuz the upbeat shit isn't working. But then when she does sing ballads, she is boring as fuck. So basically Maboobaloo...GO HOME. You don't fit in anywhere and all your goofy sounds and spunky teen personality can't put you above the rest of the competition...well maybe Kristy. But she's an (untalented) singing robot, so that's not hard. Simon thought that Jacuzzi was on harmonica, which he means as an insult, and Maboobaloo knows he means it as an insult, which is hilariously awesome. He thinks that everyone chose mediocre songs this night that did nothing for their voices. Paula tries to do damage control and yells out "but you're a great singer!" Haha...come on Paula..."great?" Really? Maybe "not shitty...sometimes" but definitely not "great."
My Grade: C+
Safe?
- David Archuleta for still being the lovable scamp America wants him to be.
- David Cook for deliver another solid rock-remix of a classic song.
- Carly Smithson for being Carly Smithson.
In Danger?
- Kristy Lee Cook for being a malfunctioning Underwood-bot.
- Brooke White for being so sugary sweet that she gives America cavities.
- Maboobaloo, just because.
Amanda Overmyer - In her lame intro video, we are told that Amanda's favorite part in the competition so far has been playing on the "big stage." Duh! Like, since Amanda is such a rocker and is so unconventional, she is only used to playing on flatbed trucks. She's so hardcore! Seriously though, I am a little scared of her. She tells us that she will be singing "Back In the U.S.S.R." and that she is going to "throw some black eyeliner on it" which I take as a terribly unfortunate threat to the poor Beatles song.
Because she is such a rocker, the song begins with Amanda growling at the audience, "are you ready?" with little response from the terrified lambs in the front row who are droned into clapping like a bunch of seals, all at different times ignoring any sort of beat or unity. Amanda is dressed like that annoying goth girl Amy Lee who leads Evanescence. She's wearing this odd black vest that is rather tight and shows off Skunk-Girl's quite manly shoulders/arms. Her singing is as it always is...confusing. I have come to the conclusion that she doesn't really sing as she simply wails along with the band. It works sometimes, but it is definitely getting old. There are times when she "gets really into it" where she starts to shake and almost looks as though she is going to explode. A little nauseating, I start to get really anxious when I watch Amanda and also quite bored. In all honesty, I have a feeling that if you were to play all of Amanda's performances thus far, back to back, the similarity between the songs would be striking and a bit repetitive. Yes Amanda, we know you rock. But does that mean you deserve to be in the competition still?
Randy thought it was the perfect song choice, which I guess is alright. This is one of the most "rocking" Beatles songs out there, so it fits. Though it was pitchy in some parts, he thought it picked up near the middle and kind of redeemed itself. Paula thought she was ahead of the beat, which I don't think could even be true, considering that Amanda doesn't really pay attention to things like timing or melody, rather preferring to just bark and yell over the band. Paula wishes she would do a ballad or something which I agree. I can imagine her doing that Janis Joplin song "Me and Bobby McGee" and I think that it would show a really vulnerable side of her that might be very effective. Simon thought it was predictable and a mess and boring. Amanda tells the judges to fuck off and that she hates ballads and that she refuses to do anything more than the same old shtick we have seen every week thus far. The audience goes nuts at her rebellion and she throws her mannish arms into the air and screams and it's really really frightening.
My Grade: B-
Kristy Lee Cook - So Kristy reflects on how she has been consistently in the bottom two for the past like five weeks, which I think should be a sign that her ass needs to be kicked to the Idol curb. She knows nothing about the Beatles apparently and that she randomly chose "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" cuz the title was "good." Oh Jesus. She is seriously going to murder the living fuck out of one of my favorite Beatles songs.
The performance opens with the spotlight directly on Kristy and the sparkling curtain she ripped out of Ryan's dressing room to wear as a dress. Her voice reminds me of Stevie Nicks, though not nearly as good or comfortable or genuine or human. Her vibrato is in full force this week and she knows she's the one to go home this week. She constantly blinks her dead eyes to the camera and it's distracting. Her vocals aren't terrible, but then she hits the chorus and even though she plays with the beat of the background vocals in a cool on-and-off dynamic kind of way, as soon as she sings "hide your love away" she completely abandons any melody and just sings some random fucking notes. She seems completely disconnected from the song, like she doesn't even give a shit. Even though she belts the last note very well, she looks as though she has already been voted off and is singing her farewell track. Looking defeated, she's like a Carrie Underwood-Robot only not a good singer.
Randy loves that Beatles song but thought the arrangement was "interesting" aka real shitty. He agrees with me and says that she didn't show nearly enough emotion to make the performance even close to being good. He also calls Kristy out on singing the melody of the song completely wrong. Paula latches onto that comment, but since she is such a nice (drunk) person, she follows it up with how this is "the best she's ever looked," to which I say, "well duh, bitch, you both shopped at the same store." Just to note, Paula is wearing quite possibly the ugliest sparkle-shaking shirt ever made that needs to be sent back to the age of disco, where it was spawned from. Simon thinks she needs some heavy brain hypnotizing...cuz she is a terrible performing. He calls her wallpaper, and then says that she's only memorable when she's absolutely terrible, to which Paula bursts out into laughter. Ha! Kristy then says that she will "blow you [Simon] out of her socks," and every one's minds go to the gutter and everyone laughs and Kristy realizes she just offered to blow Simon on national television. Good luck tomorrow night girl.
My Grade: C
David Archuleta - So every one's favorite Muppet is still adorable. His most memorable moment was when he forgot his lyrics last week...AW! I feel bad for David, cuz he is such a sweet kid, but rumor has it that he has a terrifyingly controlling stage-father who like sits in on all his rehearsals and yells at him and makes him cry! NO! Get your hand out of my Muppet David's ass! Anyway, in the video he also tells us that he will be singing "The Long and Winding Road" and he and his awkward eyebrows smile and giggle and I can't get over how damn precious this kid is. He hopes he remembers all his lyrics this week :giggle:...AW!
He is sharply dressed in a nice suit jacket and his hair is all jostled about. He is instantly on the second he second he hits the stage. There is not much to say about the performance. It's really great. A sea of annoying waving hands lay out before David. The puppet emotes the living fuck out of the song and swells with the big notes and comes back down perfectly with the low notes. He finishes and gets a standing ovation from the audience. The camera gives a quick shot to David's father who looks big-armed and threatening clapping his monstrously huge hands together.
Randy, who by the way is wearing some coral shell bracelet, thought that David was back on his A-game today, though he could have afforded to jazz it up a little more. Paula blathers about purity and rising above adversity and cocaine and ponies and colors and I'm not listening. Simon thought it was "amazing" to which the entire audience of high school girls SCREEEEEAAAAAAM. It was a "master class."
My Grade: B+
Michael Johns - Michael and his hideous brimmed hat tells us that he was proud of himself in Hollywood week for singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" and actually being praised by Simon. He informs us that he will be singing "A Day In the Life" and prefaces his performance by telling us that it was difficult to cram such a long song (6 minutes) into only 1 minute, which is an instant red flag to me.
The performance starts slow and he strolls to the front of the stage in his Michael Johns kind of way. He is dressed with a loosened tie and his shirt sleeves rolled up like he is unwinding after a long day at the office. The problem he mentioned in his video becomes apparent when the song shifts from the slow kind of solace beginning to the jumpy middle section that is beckoned in by a ringing bell and a change of tempo. This song is way too grand of a track to be condensed for American Idol, and I think his performance really suffers from this fact. It feels like a poorly put together collection of three separate songs, that don't really mesh well with one another. Michael's vocals are strong, especially when he wails, but the arrangement is weird to the point that it is distracting. It also doesn't help that the camera man thinks it is a good idea to spin around Michael like fifteen times, making me not only confused by the performance but also dizzy and nauseated. Also, Michael is prone to making these hideous moaning "oh" faces with his eyes shut and his mouth slacked open and head cocked upward like his basking in some glorious rays of holy sunlight.
Randy thought it wasn't one of his best. He has that "big ole' voice" and hasn't yet found a song to really display it. Paula claims that it's the monitors in the contestant's ears that can mess them up...which doesn't really make sense, especially since a) the shitty arrangement of the song would still be terrible regardless of whether there was anything in Michael's ears or not and b) we later discover that he doesn't have the hearing receivers in his ears, so there is no excuse...so shut up Paula. Simon thinks she's drunk and refuses to believe that phony excuse. He thought it was a mess and overly complicated and that Michael really needs to "start sorting" himself out. I agree. I feel like both Michael and Jason have been coasting on the strength of their earlier performances. You can sing, boy! Now find a song that really let's you do it!
My Grade: B-
Brooke White - Ryan calls Brooke "the sweetest person alive" and I believe this statement to be true...which I think may be one of the reasons why I sorta am put off by her. She is too innocent and cutesy. She obviously picks her cry-fest last week as her most memorable moment so far on Idol and that she is overwhelmed about this week and attempting to follow-up the critically acclaimed "Let It Be" from last week. She is performing "Here Comes the Sun" of course.
She starts singing crippled on the pointless stairs. She is wearing some sort of hideous multi-layered crepe-like yellow dress. Everything on stage is yellow and it's so predictably bright and shiny that I start to feel sick to my stomach. She stands up and head to a mic stand in the middle of the stage, but not before attempting to be overly endearing and twirling around like a ballerina while letting out a playful "woo!" that makes me cringe. Her vocals are alright, but everytime she does the token "do do do do" part of the song, she sounds real goofy and uncomfortable. The beautiful sunchild awkwardly dances around the mic stand like she's in some drug-induced state of euphoria. Her arms keep jutting out to the sides and she is swiveling around attempting to flair out her dress ("Stop trying to make your dress twirl! You look like an asshole!" - Sam). She then starts to hit some really bad bum notes and all the sparkling teeth in her mouth can't salvage this cheese-fest.
Randy makes embarrassing note of the "woo" and the shitty dancing. "Awkward" is how he describes the performance. She looks crushed upon hearing his criticism and begins aggressively agreeing with every single thing Randy says. Randy says that she never really connected to the song. I agree. Paula "can't help but smile" when she sees her and then lies and says that she has a great low tone...no she doesn't. Simon calls it "terrible" and "wet" (?). Brooke starts interrupting him from the get-go and tries oh-so-hard to jump in and say that she knows and agrees and blah blah blah. Just let him talk. Brooke then yells "LISTEN!" and awkwardly shuts up the judges to say something unimportant. More bantering takes place and all I keep thinking is that Brooke is slowly loosing her mind. She has done this before..the second any negativity comes her way, she starts to rattle on and on and on about nothing, in what seems to be an attempt to accept the negativity and move on past it as soon as possible. She needs to chill out.
My Grade: C+
David Cook - ...or Mr. Chowder as my house mates and I like to inexplicably call him. His most memorable moment so far was last week when Simon said he could win the show. He then talks about being a rocker and is self-indulgent and it's a little pretentious. He will be singing "Day Tripper."
Of course he has guitar in tow and he starts the performance with a strong guitar lick. There are two mic stands in front of him and I am confused. Even though he has those obnoxious rocker facial expressions down pat and his air looks like it hasn't been washed in seven weeks. His voice at times reminds me of the lead singer of Fuel, which is a good thing. Mr. Chowder's voice is very strong and sturdy and hits the low notes perfectly, but there is just something slightly off-putting by his whole uber-hardcore style. Like...the hair...the all black...the guitar...the loosened tie around his neck...it all feels just oh so formulaic. Regardless though, he sings extremely well and belts and does all the shit I expect him to. At times he sounds like he is saying "gay stripper" and I begin to think that the performance is dedicated to David Hernandez...cute. Halfway through he moves over to the other mic stand and starts using one of those voicebox tube things that always make an artist seem ten times more musical than they actually are.
Randy thought it was "solid" and offered variety. I agree...David's performances always have multiple elements that keep him fresh. Paula things he is ready to sell records...and unlike many of the other contestants, his voice seems to be radio-ready. Simon thought it "wasn't as good as you [he] thought it was." He thinks David has lost his element of surprise, which I think is a lie. Simon didn't like how "smug" he was and I totally get it. Then Ryan flirts like he will use the voicebox but then he doesn't and he's a LAME-O!
My Grade: B+
Carly Smithson - So her and her cute accent's favorite moment was last week when Simon said that she was Kelly Clarkson. She will be singing "Blackbird" and I am very apprehensive cuz this song is so so so mellow and quiet and I don't know if Carly will be able to do it justice with her (if I may, Randy) "big ole voice."
And I think I am right. In all honesty, her voice is just waaaaaay too big for the song and its limitations. There aren't a lot of opportunities for her to belt or really showcase her voice. Of course, her tone is wonderful and for once she goes really look like a goblin this performance. Her eyes are piercing and her hair is beautiful. Her dress is absolutely hideous, but whatever...bitch can sing. She looks kind of like a Kindergarten teacher (says Christina) singing her class to sleep and the entire audience is waving their hands back and forth.
Randy thought it was very cool..."cooliosous"? Paula loves the arrangement, the performance and the entire season. She then gives her an F...which means Fantastic...not Failure. Simon thought it was retarded to pick that song. "Indulgent" flies out of his mouth...and Carly starts doing the one thing I really really really hate which is when a contestant starts to explain their connection to the song as if it validates a mediocre performance. But she was good...the song just didn't fit her. Then Randy says something about cream cheese.
My Grade: B
Jason Castro - He was thrilled to sing "Hallelujah" a few weeks ago even though he hit a bum note at the end. Castro is mad goofy and doofy and oofy. He laughs at awkward moments and doesn't really know what he is saying most of the time. He starts blathering about the origins of "my bell" or something I dunno. He explains how he had to learn French to sing the song, which I think deserves some sort of praise. I also think that this song will fit him like a glove.
He is wearing the tightest parents in the entire world. He smiles like a goofball and starts to look like some sort of animated character. Maybe Castro was created by the Jim Henson puppet workshop along with Archuleta. His singing is decent...if maybe just a little boring. He is guitarless this week which has left him to just walk around on stage waving his arms around listlessly and it is a little a awkward. He doesn't feel completely connected with the song, or even that thrilled to be performing. He has a nice voice, but I am beginning to realize that it is one of the (dare I say) weaker ones in the competition. He is a good performer, but just focusing on his voice, it's a little frail. He stares dreamily into the camera and plays with he dreads and is endearing.
Randy just thought it was "interesting" aka bad...and said that it was a little too subdued for him. Castro starts blathering about something and Randy indulges him. Paula thinks the female population of the world wants to sleep with him. She also, surprisingly, makes a great point and says that he always seems disconnected when he leaves his guitar. Simon thinks the producers are retarded for doing this Beatles two weeks in a row, since last week was good, and this week is mediocre at best. Simon also says that Jason should be glad that this is a television show...not a radio show. Basically, he thinks that he emotes the song well with his handsome face and goofy smile. His vocals are kind of sliding I think. My both of my two favorites from earlier this season (Castro and Johns) really need to step it up and show something different formidable...with people like Jacuzzi and David Cook coming to the forefront of the competition, they really need to keep themselves relevant. There's only so far a kooky hairstyle can get you!
My Grade: B-
Syesha Avocado - First off, she looks beautiful this week. Her hair is straightened and she has this earthy-toned summer dress on and she looks much older and much more dignified. She remembers Hollywood week, but she is more haunted by last week when she was in the bottom three. She reflects on how she thinks it gave her a kick in the butt to do better, and I totally agree. She is going to be singing "Yesterday" because she remembered singing it in one of those middle school Beatles medleys that every single school district puts on to appease their hippy-turned-business parent's younger selves.
She is seated on a stool looking humble and fragile and there is this little man next to her playing the acoustic guitar. Her face is absolutely stunning and she really fucking works the hell out of this song. She belts midway through and is incredible. She tries to do the Mariah Carey whistle-falsetto, and only half does it. Aside from that little squeaky mess, I think that this performance is her strongest so far and that it is genuine and moving and like Brooke's performance last week...only not irritating.
Randy thought it was a "very...very...VERY good performance." Paula loves the vulnerability and the guitar player Paul. Paula wants her to connect with the audience more. Shut up Paula! Simon thought it was her best...not incredible...but the best song choice this nice. He compares her to Eva Cassidy and then says that Brooke should have sang this song instead of that terrible sunshine mess from earlier this night. Is she safe? Simon thinks so. WAY TO GO S-YES-sha!
My Grade: B+
Jacuzzi - I'm curious to see if this guy will deliver another stellar performance, since he seriously kicked everyone's ass last week. He loves Hollywood and we are shown a video of him running around on stage yelling which is then tied into his performance last week and how he bugged out after Simon called him "terrific." He then more or less threatens Ryan Seacrest to not touch his face ever again. His favorite Beatle? John Lennon. Real original. But Jacuzzi isn't so predictable, he will be singing a Paul McCartney song, and since everyone else seems to be playing an instrument this season, he said that he is gonna try to as well.
He starts singing some sort of R.Kelly remix of the song with his milky smooth vocals and it's okay...if maybe a little too mellow for my taste.......oh wait...what? Nevermind? He rips out a harmonica and plays it and I don't know how I feel about it. Like...if he hadn't had mentioned in the video that he was picking up a random instrument and playing it during his performance, I would have liked it more, but since it is already prerevealed that he will be butchering the song with a myterdy instrumet, when it finally happens and I less than impressed. He then starts channeling the Jacuzzi from last week and does the soulful rocker wailing that made last week's performance incredible. He starts to sing low and kind of sounds like Bill "Puddin' Pop" Cosby for a few seconds. He ends the performance with the harmonica, and in all honesty, even though he sings (very) well, I found the whole performance quite gimmicky and predictable.
Randy thought there were good and bad parts. The slow beginning was bad, the up-tempo middle was good and the harmonica was really weird. Paula thinks Jacuzzi is "showing who he is"... which she has said 437 times so far this eason. Simon thought it was going fine until the amauterish harmonica...then it turned into the "Achy Breaky Heart"...haha. It felt like a howdown. And then Simon calls it "Gimmicky" and I pat myself on the back. Yes!
My Grade: B
Ramile Maboobaloo - She loves all the friends she has made! She calls Brooke her den-mother and David her big brother and we are shown her hugging everyone in the world and making that annoying "oh-low" sound she constantly keeps doing in an attempt to be cute.
She is singing "Should Have Known Better" and right from the beginning it is a mess. Jacuzzi is on the harmonica in the background and the song just kind of strums along without any real emotion. She is dressed like Asia'h Epperson (remember her?) and looks a little plump and she smiles goofy at the audience. Her vocals are kind of off throughout the entire performance. She has out of place weird belting that doesn't work. She seems only a quarter dedicated to the song, with the other three quarters feeling awkward and out of place.
Randy thought it was just "eh." Paula says that it was much better than last week and thinks that she should only sing ballads cuz the upbeat shit isn't working. But then when she does sing ballads, she is boring as fuck. So basically Maboobaloo...GO HOME. You don't fit in anywhere and all your goofy sounds and spunky teen personality can't put you above the rest of the competition...well maybe Kristy. But she's an (untalented) singing robot, so that's not hard. Simon thought that Jacuzzi was on harmonica, which he means as an insult, and Maboobaloo knows he means it as an insult, which is hilariously awesome. He thinks that everyone chose mediocre songs this night that did nothing for their voices. Paula tries to do damage control and yells out "but you're a great singer!" Haha...come on Paula..."great?" Really? Maybe "not shitty...sometimes" but definitely not "great."
My Grade: C+
Safe?
- David Archuleta for still being the lovable scamp America wants him to be.
- David Cook for deliver another solid rock-remix of a classic song.
- Carly Smithson for being Carly Smithson.
In Danger?
- Kristy Lee Cook for being a malfunctioning Underwood-bot.
- Brooke White for being so sugary sweet that she gives America cavities.
- Maboobaloo, just because.
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