Top 10 - Year of Birthy Music

Tonight's show is comprised of songs that were released during the birth years of our lovely ten remaining contestants. Fitting with this theme, the intro videos are made of baby pictures and videos of the Idols being cute (and sometimes hideous). Blah...let's get this sentimental borefest over.


Ramiele Maboobaloo- So we are shown some hideous photos of Boobaloo with nasty freaky spiked baby troll hair. Quite fitting with her rabid image, her parents tell us that up until the age of three, she used to bite people for no reason. But then magically she started singing instead (oh thank goodness). Boobaloo then tells us that she was always getting into trouble as a kid...the trend has continued into young adulthood, though instead of being scolded by her parents for biting the living shit out of people, she gets scolded by the judges for singing terribly. She ends her stupid video saying something along the lines of how she needs to prove to America that she still deserves to be in the competition. Humph...good luck bitch.

She is singing "Alone" by Heart, which is slowly becoming the new "I Have Nothing" since it seems as though a contestant or two each season feels a need to tackle it...though no one can do the original justice. Well, except for maybe Carrie Under-bot, who rocked it pretty hard fourth season. But I highly doubt that Boobaloo will come even close to such a supremely impressive performance. She is wearing some shirt that leaves her shoulder (and bra strap) bare for the world to see. She has hideous lipstick on and with the lighting and the angle of the camera, it looks almost like she has a pube-mustache sprouting under her nose. Her eyes look all teary and I fancy the idea that she is crying because her high-waisted shorts make her ass look baggy and gross. She handles the quiet parts of the song decently, but when the big notes come, Maboobaloo's voice goes bolting for the exit. She cracks on a lot of the crucial parts of the chorus and then when she returns back to the gentle verse, her voice just sounds exhausted and not that good. I think she has a nice tone (sometimes), but her time is running out...and quickly.

Randy says that she was sick...which I guess I sympathize with...even though Kelly Clarkson nearly lost her damn voice halfway through the first season of Idol, but she was still incredible...so that excuse isn't really too valid. He says that it was pitchy and that the song was too big for her...which I guess is true. Paula, who I must mention is wearing the most hideous gloves in the world (elbow-length black gloves, with the fingers cut off and a million different bracelets and rings bedazzling her forearms), said that she was brave...which I also guess she is. But brave could also mean incredibly foolish in this situation. Almost as foolish as Paula is for wearing a giant sparkling Brillo pad as a dress. Simon pusses out on me and sticks up for the little runt and says that the performance wasn't as bad as Randy made it out to be. He thought that it was much better than last week...which really isn't too big of a compliment.

My Grade: C+



Jason Castro- So Crazy Hair was a funky looking little baby. He thinks that he might be an Aries and contemplates out loud whether or not he knows how to pronounce the word properly...or something. Whatever, he seems high. He has cute eyes when he was a kid and we are shown a video of him playing this electronic guitar when he was three or something. He's adorable and cute and everything you'd expect him to be.

He will be singing song boring-ass Sting song. It's all acoustic and shit and he has his guitar and there is fake marijuana smoke bellowing in off the side of the stage, just to get the authentic Castro jam session experience down to a tee. His eyes are extra sparkly tonight and his outfit is as awkwardly ugly as usual. His voice is very quiet this week...more than usual. He is extra-mellowed out and it sounds as though he is singing too softly to be really differentiated from the background singers. But then again, I think that is the way the song is supposed to be...very gentle and light...not bogged down by a heavy production value.

Randy throws the "that's one of my favorite songs" lines out that he always uses when he wants to rip someone a new one. He thought it was "nice" but definitely "not different" from the original in anyway, which seems to show a lack of creativity. Paula also uses her golden calling card of the season--"stay true to who you are"-- which basically means, "you kinda sucked, but hey, at least you're kooky and different." She called it safe. Simon follows up with a personal claim that Castro simply isn't taking this competition seriously anymore. I can see where he is coming from, but I don't think it is a lack of care, but instead a sense of getting lost. I feel like Castro is getting thrown off track and is having trouble staying focused on making his performances unique and interesting, while still trying to remain loyal to the sound that gained him all the praise and attention from earlier this season. Simon then says he sounded like a homeless man outside a subway bumming for nickels with a raggedy old guitar and whiskey-strained vocals. Castro... fucking be awesome again!

My Grade: B-



Syesha Mercado- Little Avocado was adorable when she was younger, even though the only shots we really see of her consist of her dressed up in hideous pseudo-cheer leading, pseudo-slutty spandex dance suits. Her abrasive-looking mother and Hispanic father say some shit about something and then Syesha does that upsetting baby voice thing she freaked us all out with a few ago. She then tells us that even though she's 21 and a sorta-celebrity now, she is still just a big goofball and we are shown clips of her being kooky and funny and whatever...just sing.

She is singing some song called "If I Were Your Woman" and like a lot of Avocado's other performances, her vocals are above average, but the song is just dreadfully uninteresting. She eye-flirts with the camera and makes some great emotive faces throughout. Her vocals are spot-on and at one point she goes into the dangerous whistle-falsetto zone that only champs like Mariah seem to come out of unscathed. She hits some high notes and more or less delivers a stellar performance. However, I am becoming concerned with Syesha's tendency to sound too old-fashioned. She sometimes delivers very wonderful, but also very classic and familiar performances that are great talent wise, but easily forgettable with more interesting contestants like David Cook and Carly Smithson mixing things up. Is she safe? Yeah. Her vocals were great. But can I really see someone so conventional win this season? Not really at all.

Randy thought it was her best performance so far, and I'll give him that. He calls it "stellar" which her vocals were and then throws in kind of under his breath, that she looks "blazing hot." Oh...that's...weird. Paula says that everyone will remember that this is "the moment where Syesha slipped it and became the dark horse." It makes kind of sense...but seriously, I'm sure once a few more contestants go up, we won't even really remember this performance. Simon thought it was the best performance so far tonight, which he laughs and self-admittedly means very little since the previous two performance were kind of sucky. He then brings up an interesting and easily debatable point that her voice has some limitations that may prevent her from really letting loose. I might understand what he means...but I still think that she was strong enough tonight to get her through to the next round.

My Grade: B+



Jacuzzi- Chickezie could very well be the cutest little kid in the history of the world. He had the biggest, most beautiful eyes in the entire world and there is a picture of him all dressed up in a little suit and it would probably make me go blind if I saw it again. He has Nigerian parents (we already know this!) that love religion and education and something something something.

He is singing "If Only For One Night" and from the title alone, I am already bored to death. The song starts kind of uneventful until Jacuzzi perks up and does some nice falsetto. The jacket he is wearing looks stained by some sort of unmentionable liquid held under a black light. He moves himself across the stage with such purpose and intent and focus on the audience that he seems almost like one of those possibly insane preachers that goes into the front row and knocks people over claiming God is molesting his body as a vessel for his supreme powers or something. This feeling is further stressed when he reaches down into the audience to grab a bunch of chaotically screaming girls. Once again I start to get bored, but halfway through the best gets all funky and soulful and the Jacuzzi I regrettably liked starts to come out of his shell. Near the end he belts a power note that just keeps going and going and going, rising in pitch every so often, and it's quite impressive.

Randy confuses the fuck out of me and says that it was "old-school" but in a bad way. Paula mumbles and spurts out a compliment or two, followed by a "great job" and another one of her spiels about "textures." Simon thought the performance was aight, but a little too (and I called it out loud RIGHT before he said it) "cheesy" with the hand holding and the dreamy eyes and all that goofy shit. Jacuzzi tries to defend himself and say that it was all for the audience, and Simon's all like "Fuck you, bitch...it's for the votes and you know it."

My Grade: B



Brooke White- So aside from being a kind of elephant child baby, Brooke was also (guess...no, come on...guess), in love with music! She distinctly remembers being like two and her parents brought home a piano. We are led to believe that she is some kind of Mozart child prodigy, cuz her parents tell us that she could hear a song on the TV and instantly learn how to play it on the piano. Pretty impressive. We are then shown a very unflattering shot of her sitting by the piano wearing huge nerd-festival glasses and looking mad weird. I guess it's cute and all...but I wish that there was some variety to these stories...like I get it...you want to be a musician, that's why you're on American Idol...isn't there something else, aside from music, that you liked as a child?

She is singing "Every Breath You Take" and I immediately role my eyes...and this is why: The Police fall into my category of bands that I seriously do not give a shit about...along with U2, Green Day and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, upon hearing the names of those bands I automatically am turned off cuz seriously...America...listen to something else. I get it...they are four really talented bands, but Jesus Christ...get off their rods for one fucking second and give other bands a chance. Stop glorifying them like they are the greatest musicians in the entire world. And alright...the Police aren't really active in the music scene right now, so...America...stop constantly harping back to how great they were...STOP! STOP! STOP! Oh...and U2 seriously blows. Ok...now that THAT is out of my system, I can begin. Brooke is singing that "Every Breath You Take" song that everyone automatically thinks is really sweet, when it is actually quite terrifying when you listen to the lyrics. She is seated at the piano and starts the song. She fucks up the first chord/word though, and starts over and I laugh. For the first half of the song there is no band playing. Just Brooke...and the piano. Hm...If I remember correctly, this is the same exact thing she did with "Let It Be." Brooke....seriously, stop trying to milk the whole "I'm a gentle flower child with a lot of feelings who just wants to play my piano and sing"...cuz it is getting staler than the novelty of Danny Noriega's homosexuality. Anyway, Brooke's ugly old lady fingers tickle the keys and her voice is decent. The band kicks in halfway through during the bridge, and I wouldn't say it ruins the song, but it really detracts from the subtle sweetness of the earlier, stripped half. Yes, I don't like Brooke...but I admit, she is a decent performer with a nice voice. Ug!

Randy thought it was a "great song" and that he liked when she messed up in the beginning...cuz it showed that she was a real musician...? He didn't like the arrangement, especially when Ricky Minor and the band popped in the middle. Skeletor with her long blacks bejeweled gloves liked it a lot more than last week and is glad that Brooke has found her niche...aka being the dirty hippy girl of the top 10. Simon agrees with Randy that the performance was ruined when the band came in, but that aside from that...it was "fantastic." Whoa...hold it right there tiger...that's a little heavy. It was "nice" and "cute" and "thoughtful" and "sweet"...but I would not say "fantastic." But whatever...I still irrationally dislike her.

My Grade: B+



Michael Johns- He was born in Australia (duh) and was an adorably handsome little kid. He is a Libra, which means he is "well-balanced" or something. He then counteracts that statement by saying that he used to have a terrible temper. As we have been told several times before...he loved tennis when he was younger and used to think he would grow up to play it professionally. Aw!

So he will be singing a meshing of "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" to which all sports fans in the world get on their feet and start the universal clapping/stomping beat that everyone does at every sports game ever. "Clap-Clap-STOMP! Clap-Clap-STOMP!" As soon as it starts I think to myself...damn man, if you can pull this off then you are golden. And he does. His vocals are strong from first to last and there is great vindication in his facial expressions and his eye fucks the camera and causes the front row of screaming girls to go apeshit. I don't really know what else to say. The song swells like it always does and is very dramatic, and Johns is right in the middle belting the shit out of it, basking in all the fucking spotlight glory that the song provides. But he deserves it...and it was awesome.

Randy thought it was his best performance so far...and I agree. Skeletor says it was a "shining moment"??? Which I ignore. Simon says that this is the first time in the competition that he has seen any sort of "star potential" in Johns, and that he "just got it [the performance] right." He also throws in a snide remark to the other contestants, saying that it was the only memorable performance so far tonight. Ha. Take that Brooke featuring piano!

My Grade: A



Carly Smithsonian- As a baby, our Irish darling had hair that was puffed out and curly and terrifying. But aside from the "ridiculous" hair...she was still a cute little kid. Her adorable parents get on screen and tell us that when she was about to be born, her mother didn't know what she wanted to name the child, so as she was being rushed to the hospital, she heard Carly Simon on the radio and scribbled that first name on her hand...and the rest is history. CUTE! I love that shit. Carly says that she always wanted to be a popstar...and I'm like, of course you did Carly...of course you did.

She says that she will be singing "Totaly Eclipse of the Heart" and I freak...like bitch, if you nail this, you'll be like Michael Johns and be a mother fucking GOD. Her voice starts very vulnerable...which is something we don't hear that often. She has the strength to her voice that she always does, but she does offer little moments of subtlety which are very nice. There is an effectively engaging dynamic created between Carly and the middle background singer as they volley their vocals back and forth and I'm really feeling this performance. Halfway through, it starts to get rocking and the spirit of Amanda Overmyer is brought on stage and guitars kick in and it gets pretty awesome. The song builds in intensity and climaxes with Carly doing this fucking awesome belt that is absolutely perfect. She is making her terrifying goblin-witch face, and she looks as though she is about to collapse on stage...but she is phenomenal. Now, however, I think back to the Michael Johns performance...and I notice a flaw. Whereas Johns really made the song an experience and got the crowd excited...Carly seems to just sing (very fucking well) the song. I feel, even though she kicked the songs ass, that the performance was just an American Idol performance...it didn't reach the multi-layered atmosphere of John's performance.

Randy didn't love it and starts immediately harping on how the last note was sharp...which I don't really think it was...and even so, it was still awesome. Paula says that Carly could sing every song that she dislikes, and she would make her end up enjoying them. Aw...Paula...when you actually make sense, you are kind of sweet. Simon thought that "something didn't quite work" and that Carly needs to lighten up. I hear that...I want to see fun Carly again. Since the top twelve started, we've only seen kind of dramatic and somber performances...do something light-hearted! Randy then chimes in some more about the last note...SHUT UP!

My Grade: B+



Jim Henson Presents: David Archuleta- So he was even a Muppet when he was a baby. A freaky little creature with an even scarier (stage)father. Anyway...as he grew up, Archuleta got kind of adorable, especially when his mother forced he and his sister to dress up in all white and where huge sombreros and dance around while being videotaped. Cute (and weird)!

He is singing "You're the Voice" which I have never heard of. The song starts really low and really fucking weird. I don't get it at all. The beginning is like kind of on this beat, but the rest of the song doesn't really follow it and it's confusing and bizarre and I wonder why Archuleta thought this was the best song from the year of his birth...which I seriously think is like 1991 (ah! I'm so old!). I think this may win the award for worst song choice this season thus far. It makes no sense, and David's awesome voice gets nearly drowned out by the background singers/music. He sings wells...but the song really murders him. David...come on. You're no longer the only contestant delivering solid performances...you need to step it up!

Randy thought it was a fucking weird song choice...though he sang it "very nice." Paula uses her goofy phonebook euphemism that means she likes his voice, but hated the song. Simon thought that, in parts, in was very good but that as a whole, he didn't like it. Reminiscent of a "theme park performance," which I totally understand. He then says that he was expected a bunch of cartoon characters to come out on stage and dance around...and I'm like...Simon, David is alright out there.

My Grade: C+



Kristy Lee Cook- She's still here for some reason and we are forcefed annoying pictures of her smiling and being cute. We are shown a perverted video of her singing in a bathing suit and are then told that when she was younger, she never shut the fuck up. To the point where the would seriously piss people off. But now, everyone welcomes her singing (ha...yeah right).

She walks out on stage looking especially "earthy" like she is attempting to look like Brooke and get some votes for it. But OH MY GOD. She starts singing and I don't even see what she is wearing anymore. The song is some goofy ass, lame stupid "God Bless the USA" song that is absolutely nauseating and cliche and terrible. What the hell? To appeal to the hicks of the country, Kristy turns from being a dumbass country girl to a conservative Bush loving creepfest. Now of course, these are all assumptions I am making, but when I see that digital American flag wave behind her on that giant screen, I admit that I feel ill. She only sings half the notes right and really butchers the big ones. It's like a terrible 4th of July picnic performance that you think is great cuz you can only sorta hear it, because you've already gone deaf from the fireworks. After I heave and cry and punch my TV, I wait for the judges to rip it apart.

But they don't...?!?!? Randy thought it was pitchy...but very nice???? Yet you gave Carly a fucking shitstorm cuz she may or may not have sung one note a little sharp? You suck. Paula thought it was poignant and even though she is a bad singer, her voice is finally getting stronger. NO! She still isn't good. And Simon thought it was the best performance for her so far and that it was the most clever song choice he's seen on the show in years. I guess so...considering all the fucking southern votes that will be swimming Kristy's way now. Ew...I feel sick.

My Grade: C



David Cook- David was a disgusting little baby. His forehead was twice the size of any other part of his body and he looked like one of those aliens from old movies with the gigantic skull that houses some sort of all-powerful brain. We are shown a bunch of terrifying pictures that he parents took of him, where he is making goofy faces and looking alien-like. He was given his first guitar when he was two and blah blah blah.

He is singing the Chris Cornell (lead singer of Soundgarden/Audioslave) version of "Bille Jean." Now, I have heard this cover and it is amazing. What I don't get though, is why David would take on an overly stylized cover and and overly stylized song and do absolutely nothing to it. The cover is acoustic and soft and very very creepy, and that's what made Cornell's version so engaging....that it really showed a new side to the song. So almost to cash in on this and hope that the majority of America is too stupid to realize that Chris Cornell already did this, he takes it on and I can't help but feel, pretend that it was his idea to make the song quiet and acoustic. Ug! Anyway...for once he doesn't have his guitar and it works out to his advantange. His voice is decent and he hits this really kick ass long note at the end...that is not only impressive, but could be one of the best notes I have ever heard on Idol. The song kind of has that ominious "Eleanor Rigby" feeling from a few weeks ago that I really didn't dig...but more or less...it's a good performance.

Randy thought it was the most original (AHHH!H!H!H!H!H! NO IT'S NOT!) performance he's ever seen. Paula is standing and seal-clapping and looking like a Skeletor monster and then she blathers something about him winning the competition. Simon thought it was "brave" and "amazing" (ajhajhahahahharfhsghdfgrd;gd;/......NO! It's not original!). Oh whatever...he still sang it well, but stop giving him kudos for it being original...he didn't make the cover!

My Grade: B+



Safe?
- David Cook for kidnapping the idea of an acoustic "Billie Jean"...and getting away with it.
- Michael Johns for rocking me and proving that he is the champion.
- Brooke White for singing the Police just like how she sang "Let It Be"...and getting away with it.

In Danger?
- Kristy Lee Cook for exploiting goofy patriotism and making me feel incredibly disgusted.
- Jason Castro for not doing anything different...ever.
- Maboobaloo, just because...AGAIN!