Top 16 - Guys

So tonight is the last night of the semi-finals. Come Thursday we will have th prestigious top 12! Thank god. Before each performance, our idols must share with us the most embarrassing moment of their entire lives! Kooky! Whatever...the dudes are up first bring us back to the worst decade for music ever, the 80's.


Luke Menard- He's still hot and still very endearing. When he was younger, his sister hated him for being a boy and insisted on dressing him up like a girl ballerina...hmm...part of me hopes that this is an indicator that Luke is playing for the same team that Hernandez, Alba/Cyrus/Noriega and (maybe) Archuleta are playing for, but then I remember that he is married. Ug! Anyway, Luke says that his sister took pictures of it, but he will never let America see those pictures. Ha! Luke's sister must be a very cruel woman, for we are shown a picture of little Luke in a tutu and it's uncomfortable.

The song? He's singing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham!. Um...I guess it's a good song choice considering his voice is really high and kind of whiny, but it seems like a total puss-out after he belted that Queen song last week. He is dressed like it's casual Friday at the office and looks quite uncomfortable on stage. I remember the video where George Michael was dancing around on stage and clapping and being all gay and shit, and Luke does nothing like that...which makes the song lame and boring and pointless. Seriously, what's this song without the flamboyant prancing that accompanies it. His voice is okay and he hits some nice direct on falsetto notes, but it's still awkward and kind of painful to watch.

Randy thought it was pitchy and corny. Paula was surprised he picked this song...then she stutters and says that she choreographed George Michael's tour and then she blathers some more and Simon tells her to cut the crap and just say whether she liked it or not. Simon thought it was "weak," "girly," and that he has no chance of making it through to the top 12 and that the chance that George Michael will ever be straight is better than Luke ever winning the show.

My Grade: C+


"Jim Henson Presents" David Archuleta- Most embarrassing moment? He went down to Honduras for some reason and was asked to perform on stage and he butchered a song and his mom finished it for him? What? Wait...what? Why Honduras? Whatever. Just sing.

He is seated at a piano and looks really awesome. He is singing "Another Day In Paradise" and the song is kinda haunting and smooth and it's really really good. He hits all the notes dead on and he really emotes it well. This kid is "the little train that could" and I adore him. Even though he is wearing a jacket three sizes too big and he licks his lips constantly, I LOVE IT.

Randy thought it was interesting, but that he didn't show off all his vocals. I totally disagree. I think it was one of the best male performances I have ever seen on this show. Paula was glad he was a little rough on some notes because it proves he isn't a robot like Carrie Underwood. Simon thought it wasn't as good as last week and said that it was a little gloomy. I understand what he means, but still, aside from his melancholy song choice, he is awesome. Simon then says that it isn't that big of a deal though and that he will definitely make it to the top 12 and probably the final 2. Then Ryan talks to him about the song choice and the Muppet says that he picked it cuz it sheds a light on homeless people or something and he gets all Oprah on us and as always, I think to myself: "David...sing, don't speak." It's okay though. He's cute and an awesome singer and he will be going really far in the competition.

My Grade: A


Jessica Alba/Miley Cyrus/Danny Noriega- So what is the devil's lame stupid not funny moment? In his retarded valley-girl dialect he tells us that one time...AT THE MOVIES...HIS FRIEND TRIPPED HIM AND HE FELL IN FRONT OF HIS CRUSH! Shut up. He then tries to call himself cute and I'm all like "You wish" and then he totally degrades my generation by using Instant Messenger lingo and saying "TMTH" (too much too handle) and I roll my eyes to the point of a headache. Ug...just sing already so I can hate you some more.

He is singing "Tainted Love" which is such a goofy song in the first place, but then Danny struts out like he's a model wearing tight pants and a leather jacket and a weird ass scarf. NOT KOOKY! He points to the camera. He poses his legs like he's Tyra. He constantly flips his hair. Ug. His voice? It's ok. He gets into the performance and I guess he delivers, but I seriously get so distracted by his flamboyant existence that I don't even really pay attention to his voice.

Randy said that he loves the arrangement (which means he hated Danny's vocals). He says it was pitchy and that he was shy!? No way. Simon says that Danny is a bitchy queen that is never ever shy. Danny makes goofy faces. Paula loved it and says that he is a "bright light in the competition." Yeah...like the lights of a big pink bus tearing ass head-on towards you. Paula loves that he is gay (aka, "staying true to himself") and then tells him that the purple highlights are hideous. Simon thought that it doesn't matter what his hair looks like. It was "horrible" and "useless." He hates EVERYTHING about Danny. HAHAH. Me too. Danny tries to sass back but it isn't funny.

My Grade: C-


David Hernandez- Everyone's favorite stripper is next. He boosts his ego (surprise!) and brags about how he had a modeling photo shoot once where a huge BOOGER was hanging out of his nose and OMG! He was SOOOOO embarrassed.

He sings that Celine song that Haley Scarnato murdered last season. He is a little rough at first and he is skeevy with his pervy eye contact with the camera. But then hit belts this long note and the chorus starts and he is really good. I hate to say it, but he is quite good-looking and is a really great singer. He just needs to cut back on the overdramatic . The arrangement is weird. He is a little off on all the parts where he doesn't belt, but he makes up for it at the end and it's quite good.

Randy thought it was a nice song choice, since, you know...he has that "big ole voice." He thought it was pitchy at parts but still decent. Paula likes that he's getting into his "groove" (?) and that he has some of the best vocals in the competition. Simon didn't think it was as good as last week, but that (duh) he will be in the top 12. Then David starts to talk about his shoes and show them to Randy and it's weird. Ug...he looks in the camera with that pseudo-piercing sex stare and it's a little threatening. He just needs a dose of Melinda Doolittle's humility from last season and he will be golden.

My Grade: B+


Michael Johns- The Australian and his accent's most embarrassing moment comes from when he was a Kangaroo mascot for a rugby team. For no reason a bunch of players attacked him and kicked his ass in front of an audience that didn't help him. Sounds more abusive than embarrassing.

He is singing that "Don't Forget About Me" song that everyone knows from "The Breakfast Club." He starts the performance with the wailing "hey, hey, hey, hey"s an his arms all spread out to Jesus and looking up. I dunno, I feel that this could be his weakest performance yet. He feels restrained while he is singing and that he isn't really letting his voice hang out. He bobs awkwardly up and down and meanders around the stage before grabbing the mic stand and trying to do the David Cook rock thing. It only half works. His vocals are decent, but sound a little too much like the original. I really like Michael and he bring some energy to the end of the song, but I seriously doubt that this was the best song from the 80's that he could find.

Randy thought it was "so you [him]" and that it was a "nice one." Paula loves that he "is the type of artist who really is defining who you are." Read that out-loud and it makes honestly no sense. She loves how different (aka gay) everyone is this season. Simon liked (didn't LOVE) it and that like S-yes-ha Mercado, he hasn't found the right song yet, which I understand. But Simon really likes him, and so do I.

My Grade: B


David Cook- David and a hideous hat tell us that his most embarrassing moment happened at a talent show where he sang some song he didn't know and looked like an ass in front of a bunch of people. Wow...really original. I'm sorry, but I personally think his hair is much more embarrassing for him than any stage fright he had when he was younger. Seriously, it looks dirty and pasted and gross. Ug!

With probably the most surprising song choice so far, he sings "Hello" by Lionel Richie. BUT, he gives it a rock revamped interpretation with his guitar and it is incredible. He really takes the song to new heights with a completely new take on it and it's really fucking kick ass. He belts it out and turns it into a completely different (and dare I say more interesting) song. I have a feeling that he might be a little David Hernadez-cocky, but still, he is showing great improvement.

Randy calls it "emo" and thought it was brilliant and that it could be a modern rock hit. Paula loves it and she calls him fabulous and that he is a "shining star." Simon gets over his beef from last week with David and says that he "loved it." Simon then says that he ran into Lionel Richie a few days ago at the supermarket and the story doesn't really go anywhere. Ryan then dishes out David's numbers.

My Grade: A


Joseph Castro- I really like this guy. He's a great performer and a good singer, but I must say that it is slightly painful to listen to him speak in interviews. Always seeming to be high, Castro always has this glazed look over his face. His embarrassing story is actually quite disgusting: One time he was on a date and he ripped off one of his dreadlocks and DUDE, it was really embarrassing!

He is singing that "Hallelujah" song that is absolutely amazing. He is sitting on the stool of death and all that is playing is one acoustic guitar (which he ISN'T playing). It's a little weird and weak, but still good. He has great chemistry with the song though, emoting it but not to a terrifying extent like Hernandez. He does some nice runs and the song is quiet and delicate and quite unexpected. He fubs up the last note a little, but it is more or less pretty decent.

Randy thinks it's an amazing song and gives Castro "props" for attempting it. He then throws the "good looking out" comment which I don't understand. Paula thought it was vulnerable and then she says that all the guys are great and then she claps like a seal. Simon loves the song and thought what he did was brilliant, in a Bo Bice kind of way. I dunno...it was good and all, but I don't think it deserves the sucking up that the judges give it. But he will no doubt be in the top 12 and I'm glad.

My Grade: B


Jacuzzi- For some reason, I just don't like this guy. I think he's kind of arrogant, and for no reason, since he is a rather ordinary singer/performer. This season I think there are a lot of really unique performers (Castro, David Cook and Michael Johns all come to mind), but he is just the standard good singer that has the voice, but doesn't really have the flavor. I don't know if that makes sense, but whatever. His embarrassing moment is that he was kind of an idiot in high school and didn't realize that for an entire year he was taking dumps in the female bathroom. What? Is that even embarrassing? It just seems kind of dim-witted. Whatever. Don't care.

I usually LOVE writing about these American Idol performances, but there are some contestants that I am just so disinterested in that it's like a chore to write about them. Last year Stephanie Edwards and Gina Glocksen really bored the fuck out of me, and Jacuzzi is like that this season. He is dressed like he just came back from choir practice at the local church. He has pretty strong vocals. He is singing a song called (I think) "She Fills Me Up" and he gets really into it and belts a lot. He goes into a really nice falsetto that I didn't know he had before hitting a bum note at the end. But it's decent...definitely his best so far.

Randy thought it was an interesting song choice and then points out how the last note was shitty. Paula then reminds us that all the guys were awesome tonight and that she is very proud of Jacuzzi. Simon then gets kind of shitty and asks him if this was a Whitney song, to which Jacuzzi goes on and recaps the entire recording history of the song before pointing out that, yes, Whitney did sing the song in 1991. Simon then uses this fact as a snare to trap Jacuzzi and say that it was stupid to attempt a song by her. That's kind of lame though for three reasons: a) he sang it very well, b) Whitney didn't record it until AFTER the 1980's and c) why the fuck are Whitney songs untouchable? If you can, if I may paraphrase Randy, "work it out" then it shouldn't matter who originally sang it. Though I don't really dig Jacuzzi, I don't think he deserved Simon's aggressive criticism and I thought he did pretty well

My Grade: B


Safe?
- David Cook for making Lionel Richie current and interesting.
- David Archuleta for delivering one of the most moving performances I've seen on the Idol stage ever.
- David Hernandez for singing as good as he strips...which is apparently very well.

In Danger?
- Luke Menard cuz everyone already knows he's fucked.
- Jacuzzi for being ordinary and not standing out.
- Jessica Alba for mediocre singing and for ruining my life, even though I'm sure all the fat wannabe fag-hags at home will vote for him incessantly.