Top 7 - Mariah Carey Songs

I don't think anyone would argue that last week's ousting of Michael Johns was a complete shocker. And also completely stupid...way to go America. I'm so glad will still have Kristy though...cuz like...she's not a bad singer or anything. Anyway...Tuesday was Mariah Carey night...which would seem to promise to be a bizarre, drug-induced slaughter....but in all honesty, it turned out much better than expected.

David Archuleta- David is grasped into the Diva's spidery embrace and the poor kid never even had a chance. He is so small and puppet-like compared to Mariah who towers over him like some sort of behemoth . And I swear that smile is permanently painted onto her face. David yaps about how scared he was to be in Ms. Carey's holy presence....blah blah...I have a feeling that the intro. videos this week are basically just going to be a collection of suck-ups for Mariah where everyone talks about how perfect she is in every way. David against reminds me why he shouldn't speak by waving his arms around and gushing about how much he loves Mariah's music...and the diva only looks semi-interest and plays with her hair. Like some sort of queen..."yes yes yes...I am done with you. Bring in the court jester!" Of course David is singing "When You Believe" which is kind of boring and totally cheesy. Mariah tells him to go up into his falsetto...which is actually a smart decision...I think that even though she's a little mental...she does know a thing or two about music....which automatically makes her a better guest judge than Jennifer Lopez from last season.

The performance starts zoomed in on the string section and they are ominous and terrifying. Aside from his plethora pants and awkward graphic tee, Archuleta delivers a decent performance. As always. His vocals are spot-on and he squats on the heavy belting notes and the background singers are swaying behind him. He looks on the verge of tears...as always, and doesn't really move around that much...because his father forgot the remote control today, and is forced to controlling David from above in the rafters with his ventriloquist strings. Near the end, David goes into his falsetto, and it's a little off at first, but then works itself out and is more or less alright. He then does this cute run at the end and stares dreamily into the audience. and all the little girls start to scream and blah blah. Problem with David is the same thing that I felt was wrong with Melinda Doolittle...very good singer, but the performances just started getting old after awhile. This feels like every other performance he has done...I dunno, maybe it's just because he chooses songs that all sound like one another, in that pseudo-made-for-TV-movie-theme-song kind of way.

Randy wants David to "check it out" and then says that he picked one of the hardest Mariah songs ever and he worked it out...and he can sing anything (probably even the phonebook!). Paula blabbers about Mariah being proud and beaming and whatevs. Simon, like me, knew that David would pick this cutesy cheesy song too. He thinks that the guys will have an easier time tonight, since they won't be in direct comparison to Mariah. Then Ryan comes out and embarrasses David and tells America that he doesn't eat. Weird?

My Grade: A-


Carly Smithson- So let me start this off and say that Mariah and Carly already have met each other...back when Carly had a record out and Mariah told her she was great. Ha...so the two of them pretend to have never met each other before. Funny. Mariah was so super excited to meet Carly...duh! So she will be singing the den-mother of all Mariah songs..."Without You" that Kelly Clarkson sang first season. That's how epic this song is...only Ms. Clarkson has dared to tangle with its venomous key changes and vicious long notes. But can she work it out? Mariah thinks so. Carly calls Mariah cute and a "big sunshine ray" and we are shown a shot of Mariah looking vapidly at Carly like a mannequin. FREAKY!

She is standing next the the piano and the entire stage is bathed in blue, including Carly herself. The performance starts very very controlled and subdued. It's low and gentle and Carly really pays attention to every note with great precision. Even when she starts to belt, she keeps in all under wraps. But then the drums beat in and she lets it all lose and starts to make the goblin-face. That aside, I think her voice is beautiful and she does some minor belting ad-libs which are nice. She ends the performance on an extended-rising belt note. Wonderful!

Randy likes that she challenged herself...but he really didn't like her lower range...not "loosy goosy" enough. What does that even mean? Paula thought that she showed vocal restraint...ok, I'll agree. She thought Carly made it her own AW! Simon wanted her to sing it, but he didn't think she pulled it off, to which Carly looks off into the audience like "of course." The audience knows this is BS...and the start booing and yelling and Simon is all like "What a surprise to hear you lot booing"...to which I say, "What a surprise, Simon, to hear you unfairly crap all over Carly, while giving positive praise to idiots like Kristy Lee Cook." He thinks she's over-thinking everything. Then Paula says "you need to trust yourself" and Randy is like "You can do it!" It's like...shut up! SHE IS A GOOD SINGER! I really don't get the judges with her...this seems like the perfect voice for them to exploit with crappy ballads and terribly music videos...why are they convincing America otherwise?!?!?!?

My Grade: B+


Syesha (super)Mercado- She is singing some song that no one knows called "Vanishing". Mariah wrote it when she was teenager, which I can't even imagine. Quick note: they don't hug when Syesha runs into the room. Ha! Mariah stares at her while she sings...then starts singing herself and hits some sexy low notes. Mariah thinks she will "swing it home" to which Syesha starts to say "Oh LO!" and I'm like....STOP DOING THAT! RamenNoodles Maboobaloo is gone and never coming back! And that little saying was never cute. Cut it the fuck out.

So let's see if America will be as uninterested in Syesha as Mariah was. She starts the performance staring at the piano player. SHe is wearing bizarre garish tear-drop earrings. Her voice is low and well-controlled. The first half is really really nice. But then she starts to belt, and like always, gets a little away from the notes, and starts to sound like she is yelling. But then she does multi-repeating, stuttering belt that ends in a high-note! So fucking hot! The performance suddenly ends and everyone goes apeshit.

Randy thought it was "the toughest song of the night"...Was it even a song? It just sounded like non-stop belting...oh wait, that's every Mariah song. Paula slathers all over Mariah and then says that "Vanishing" isn't well-known which allows Syesha to avoid being compared to Mariah. Simon thinks that it is technically "very good", but then says it is stupid that she picked a song no one knew. But shut up Simon...you know damn well if she was to choose a song like "We Belong Together" that everyone and their mom knows, that you would puke all over her and say that it pale by comparison to the original. Stop hating on the semi-decent singers and start shitting on Kristy. Please?!?!?

My Grade: B


Brooke White- Earlier Tuesday, I was talking with a friend and we were trying to imagine which Mariah songs each of the contestants were going to sing. We totally called Carly doing "Without You" and I was totes like, "I'll bet you anything that Brooke will sing an acoustic or piano-driven version of 'Hero'," and dammit, I'm right! Her video has her seated with her guitar (Ug!). We find out that the song was actually originally written for Ms. Gloria Estefan...that's until Mariah realized the marketability of the track and took it for herself! Peace out bitch! I'm the bigger DIVA! Anyway...she is counseling Brooke in how to hit high notes that she doesn't have. Brooke smiles and is like..."uh huh..." Mariah thinks she really feels the lyrics...and Brooke says she just wants to "be real". Whatever.

She starts at the piano and in all honesty...the first half of the song, I think, is very good. Not paying attention to her hideous glitter dress/shirt. Her vocals are fragile and lonesome, but well-toned and they mesh well with the piano. But then comes the bridge, and aside from the beginning run, it starts to get really busted. Close-ups reveals Brooke shaking like a leaf...which is totally not like her. Her voice is wavering and her notes start to fall flat and the belts don't work themselves out. Ah! The performance started so well! Oh also...Brooke completely ignores Mariah's idiotic advice to go up high, which she has never done before. Wise choice!

Randy likes that she made the song "singer-songwriter"y...and was really digging it up until the bridge, where it just crumbled apart. Brooke totally understands and starts talking (STOP IT). Randy appreciated it though and of course Brooke is so fucking gracious that it makes me sick. Paula says she is "identifiable" and true to herself and that her performance was brave....she then says that she started to get ahead of the beat...which is not true at all whatsoever. Simon doesn't think she had any other song choice...considering that Mariah's voice is the polar opposite of Brooke's. Simon thinks that Brooke is a burger with no meat...Paula thinks that the bun was missing...however, Randy thinks all the condiments were missing. Seriously...they said this. Brooke understandably looks confused and even slightly annoyed at this terrible bantering of unintelligible "critiquing".

My Grade: B


Kristy Lee Cook- Mariah really enjoys Kristy singing "Forever"...cuz a lot of people don't know the song...so they won't know how bad she is butchering. Mariah then lies and says the her voice gave her goosebumps. Not true. Mariah has this pissed off look on her face and then she lies again and says that she like Kristy's version better than hers. What's funny though, is Mariah's facial expression when she says this is completely uninterested and she's like looking at a fly on the ceiling and leaning on the piano like she's waiting for a bus or something and just half-heatedly commented on a passerby's shoes. This means the world to Kristy though, and she turns "bright red" and Mariah clenches her teeth and is like "You did a really, really good job"...once again lying and not even trying to sound sincere. I love Mariah. Then Kristy wants to hug, and Mariah is like "uh huh" and then have this weird fake middle-school hug where your feet are like 6 feet apart from the other person's and you have your arms wrapped around each like it burns to touch the other person.

She is trying to be Carly and starts next to the piano. She looks almost pretty today. Her hair looks fake and her dress is tacky...but what else is new? I don't know this song. It starts off a little weird but (and I hate myself for this) it starts to get pretty good. Her country twang works well with the pace of the song and she hits nearly all the big notes perfectly. She shimmies herself back and forth and races her arms like she actually is Mariah. Anyway, she ends the performance with pretty awesome belted note and damn...it took like eight weeks, but Kristy has finally done a performance I liked.

Randy is just a surprised as I am that she can actually sing. She thinks she is finally "stepping up." Paula thinks Kristy is smart...wrong. She is "blown away" which I think is a little of an overstatement. She then pimps Mariah again as being a goddess of music and Simon tells her to shut up. He knows that Kristy was probably all like "oh fuck" which she heard it was Mariah week, which is totally not her cup of tea. Kristy then reminds us that she gave MC chills, and Simon is like...whatever, I hate you. He thinks she managed the song well enough...but she was whiny and that the performance wasn't great. Then Paula starts screaming about how beautiful everyone is...ha.

My Grade: B+


David Cook- He will be singing "Always Be My Baby" and he starts playing it on the guitar. Mariah stares at him like "um...what the fuck?!?" She then starts to kickass and does her Mariah-humming along and it's really good. The four little notes that she hums right then and there are better than every single other performance tonight. She thinks this song is good because it will show how great of a songwriter she is.

The performance starts like his performance last week...very low and very muddled. His low range is really not that sure of itself and I think it will be his downfall. He is sporting the homeless look tonight. His hair is disheveled and confusing. Then the chorus starts, and it starts to get pretty decent...if not a little creepy. Like "Every Breath You Take"...it sounds nice, but is also slightly threatening. A plethora of violins comes in and really make the performance intense and dramatic. My friend Christina made a good point...it's not that his vocals are really that incredible, but the performance is made really dramatic by the dark lightly and the strings and David's position on stage, so it comes across really monumental, even if his vocals aren't that incredible. He starts to belt in the refrain of the chorus and then he shines and hits the big notes real ace and for two seconds I get chills. He then ends the performance on this weird low note that is supposed to be all "rockerish" and dark, but just sounds flat.

Of course the judges are going to cream all over this...cuz it's David Cook and they all want to date him. Randy, for the first time this season, gets off his ass and stands up and claps. He thinks David can make a record right now...blah blah. He thinks it's "brilliant". Paula thinks it's so good...that it could be on a movie soundtrack? Since that's the pinnacle of musical stardom. Simon calls the rest of the performances tonight "karaoke hell" and then sucks on David says that he is "a breath of fresh air". Ryan points out that he's crying to which the camera zooms in on David's brother who has brain cancer, who is the audience. Sad! I don't want to be sad! I want to shamelessly make fun of people! Stop Idol producers!

My Grade: B


Jason Castro- Mariah thinks that Jason is "interesting & different." Well, that he definitely is. So Mr. Dreads is playing his guitar wearing a hideous red blouse while Mariah looks on all confused and shit. He is singing "I Don't Wanna Cry". Mariah thinks that he needs to reach people's hearts...or some weird, high Paula Abdul shit like that. She then sings the melody and Jason sings it back to her and they both sound pretty awesome. Castro makes some goofy-ass Muppet faces and slacks his upper row of teeth over his bottom lip, and he looks like a creeper.

He starts the performance with this cracking falsetto that is really hot. The tribal drummers are here this time and it's totally the Jason Castro we fell in love with. His dreads are pulled back tonight, and he looks very well-put-together...for once. The song doesn't not even sound like a Mariah song, and eat your heart out David Cook...this is the best of the night. The performance actually has a slightly Spanish feel to it. His vocals are smooth and delicate, but still on-point and are quite effective. He hits this high note at the end and it's rough and genuine.

Randy thought it was a drug-induced luau performance. Paula wants to be at Jason's luau all night...ha...with her Chihuahuas. Simon agrees with Paula and thinks that it wasn't the best vocal of the night, but it was "identifiable" and that the guys totally won the night tonight. Ryan they tries to force us to imagine Randy in a coconut bra. I go blind.

My Grade: A-


Safe?
- Jason Castro for making a Mariah Carey song sound like something other than a long-winded - ballad.
- David Cook for singing "Always Be My Baby" like an early '90s garage band would.
- David Archuleta, cuz seriously...he's not going home.

In Danger?
- Carly Smithson, since the judges apparently want her dead.
- Brooke White because even though she did well this week, the piano thing is beyond played-out.
- Kristy Lee Cook for singing well, but still being irritating.