Charleston Auditions

So we're in South Carolina for the next two days of audition...Charleston to be exact. Ryan is looking beautiful and tells us that it is the friendliest city in the world, or something. Yeah, until Simon comes and craps all over everyone's dreams. There is a clip of a bunch of uglies gawking like fools at a camera and shouting about American Idol and southern hospitality or some shit. I love when the producers take the like the arena sized mob of wannabes and tells them to, in unison, to shout some vaguely generalized and prejudice statement having to do with the city that they are in. And everyone is a TV slut and everyone plays along. Then everyone starts singing "Let's Get It Started" which is probably one of the most non-singing songs ever. Let's just begin already.


Through to Hollywood

Michelle & Jeffrey Lampkin- So these two plus-sized contestants are shown before their audition dancing, and snapping their fingers in Ryan Seacrest's face and getting all rowdy and shit. Michelle is wearing a cute top and some nice beads, but the real captivator is Jeffrey with his sparkle-tastic black shirt and the shirt tie wrapped around his head like that is some sort of alternative style and not just idiotic-looking. Anyway, they bound their way into the audition room and Michelle more or less is quiet for most the time while her little (in age, NOT in size) brother rambles on with the judges about his cloths and how excited/gay he is and then he screams and it's kinda repelling at first. They then do a duet together of some song I don't know, but it involves a lot of distant staring and looking up at Jesus/God/the ceiling, so I take it as something religious. And you know what, they are both pretty good. It's a little difficult to hear Michelle over Jeffrey, but they have good chemistry together. Jeffrey's slightly irritating talking/screaming voice is instantly gone when he sings and he in truth has quite a nice tone. Simon thinks they are funny and loves them. Paula says they are "special" which means that she blacked out during the performance and doesn't have an inkling of what happened. Randy calls them "da bomb" but then proceeds to only let say Yes to Jeffrey and not Michelle. It is crushing cuz then Simon also says that he is much better than her...ha, blatantly mean. But whatever, Paula and Simon say yes to both and they scream and dance and stampede out of the room and attack some woman who nearly falls over. A little much, yes, I but I enjoy them quite a bit and I'm glad they went through.

Amy Katherine Flynn- I instantly think that this girl is Leah Labelle (my least favorite contestant of all time!) from third season and I seethe and my lip curls out of pure anger. In her video biography we are told that she is the head of her sparkle-shaking dance team and we see a bunch of stick-thin girls jumping and splitting all over the place in garish golden outfits that momentarily blind me. We also learn that she is the head of some absinence club in her school. I feel bad, cuz I'm sure she gets lots of shit for this everyday. When she tells the judges, they all bust out laughing and begin asking her questions about this anti-sex-no-friend-club and they pretend to be fakely interested while she goes on and on with some pre-prepared speech about waiting till marriage or something. Whatever. They all humor her and listen to the dumb speech, while I laugh at how ratty her hair is. She then starts singing that Christina Aguilera song from "Mulan" and I roll my eyes cuz I really don't like it and I hate it even more when every teenage girl on Idol tries to sing it. She's ok, but way way WAY to feeble. It's boring and she tries to go all high, but it all just sounds so weak and irritating like a dog whimpering. Simon flat out calls her an annoying goodie-goodie to which she disagrees and Simon mocks her by imitating her sickly speaking voice. Paula likes her "pureness", aka her virginity and I don't care what Randy says. However, even though Simon thinks that the world will hate her, he puts her through, basically in a desire to see her terribly corrupted during Hollywood week. As she is leaving, Simon makes some weird comments about staying away from Seacrest cuz he's a dirty pervert or something.

London Weinberg- So this pretty, tall blond-headed beauty is immediately coupled with a terrible story about her dad dying. We see a picture of her with him and it's heartbreaking. We are shown her with her cute and thin mother who she walks on beaches with and then we see her smoking hot fiancé and I'm in love. She comes into the audition room and Simon flirts with her over how awesome her name is...shut up England! She will be singing some Billie Holliday song and it's good if just a little to tweeny and wistful at some points. Randy kinda likes it and then they skip over Paula (ha!) and Simon says she isn't special...but since her dad's dead and her family is attractive, she's through. YAY!



Stupid Losers

Ray Henderson- oh wait...I'm sorry, Rashad. So this semi-flamboyant afro-headed contestant says that he is unemployed and proud of it! It's a good thing too, cuz he is definitely not getting a job in the music industry. He's wearing a flattened disco ball as a shirt and gushes about loving Clay Aiken. Uh huh. He then gets down on his knees (which I'm sure he is used to) and sings "Can't Make You Love Me" and belts and outstretches his arms and is annoying. Simon says that Rashad reminds him of Clay...aka, that he's gay. The judges then say he was over the top and Randy says that he needs to find himself...whatever that means. Then Simon pulls out some of his favorite life-ruining criticisms and calls the performance very "cabaret" and like a "cruise ship performance". Ouch!

DeAnna Prevatte- Oh no...another beast rises from the cursed land of Albamarle! Yes, the hellhole of the world that spawned Kellie Pickler makes a reappearance this season with DeAnna. Ok, so we are given a shot of Pick-Pickler being retarded during 5th season with DeAnna saying how she is basically deaf cuz she likes her song. The one about red heels or something. Not only does she love it, but she feels compelled to quite basically the entire song and it's weird and makes you seem less like a serious contestant and more like a desperate wannabe. So she walks in with the strap of her shirt of her shoulder. She looks like a disgruntled Britney Spears which is never a good thing. The judges ask her about her job as a waitress to which she begins bitching about customers and then starts cursing and it's weird and she can pretty much say goodbye to her job in the food industry now. She then sings some song no one has ever heard of and starts yelling and getting on her knees like some sort of possessed Emily Rose or something. Now both straps of her shirt fall and it is really terrifying to imagine what could happen next. Simon puts an end to the torture and pronounces her name wrong, to which DeAnna snaps at him about it and about how she capitalizes the "A" in her name for some reason. Whatever, she's kind of a bitch and not in the good way. Although she was terrible, Simon says that he liked how she got on her knees (perv!). She then gives the judges a death stare and it's quite terrifying.

Randy Stark & Crystal Ortiz- Quite possible two of my favorite names of all time, this duo is anything but glamorous. They actually screaming anti-American Idol with their oversized clothes and terribly poise and plan old uber-dorkiness. They are in love or whatever and met on the American Idol forum...ug, shut up NOT ME! They met in person by a trashcan (?) and then there are like 5 really uncomfortable closeups of them sucking face and it's nasty. Like any other couple this season, both are allowed to audition at the same time. They are doing a duet ("She Is More") and the homeless looking male dork begins and has vibrato that could kill. The pasty Latina dork then joins in and just further complicates things and they stare at each other and eye fuck and it's really really gross. Simon says they suck a lot and Randy pulls out one of those dumbass comments, "No on the voice, Yes on the love" kinda shit and it's annoying. Just shit on their dreams! They then tell the guy that he has no right to be on THEIR message boards telling anyone about anything in regards to Idol, considering that he is a terribly singer. Good! No one else is allowed to write on Idol other than me!

Lyndsey Goodman- Ug, we always have one of these each season it seems. She's the token "girl in the airforce/marines/armed services" who wants to show the world that she does have a softer side. Lame. She's kinda weird looking...too unappealing to get a job where she isn't wearing army jumpers or some kind of gas mask. We're shown a video of an air hangar where Lyndsey walks around talking about planes like anyone watching this show really gives a shit. She enters the audition room and mugs up the pilot bullshit some more before singing "Black Velvet" (GERI!!!!). She actually has a nice deep tone and it is pretty good in my opinion. However, she has a bitchy face and Paula sees nerves that aren't actually there. Then I think back to third season with Camille Velasco and how that girl was shaking in her boots even when she got into the top 12, so since when has nerves stopped the judges from letting someone through in the past? Simon says it's cabaret...blah blah. She leaves a rejected loser. Go fly a plane.

Aretha Caden- So they have been clipping this girl all episode before the commercial breaks but without any sort of inclination of whether she is gonna be really good or really bad. Turns out she's kind of a mix. So I think she says that she is named after Aretha Franklin (ug). She has short greased-down hair that is plastered to her head. She has deoderent pits and is wearing a huge sky-blue blanket around her like it's a dress. Two basketballs seem to be stuffed in her top where breasts are supposed to be. She has an obnoxiously large silver belt on, with that ugly facial piercing between the lips and the chin as well as emo glasses. Basically, she's like 5 different styles rolled into one and it's bizarre. After some egging by the judges she says that she is better than any other Idol before, to which I say "oh yeah, let's see you sing 'Natural Woman' better than Kelly Clarkson did." What is she singing for her audition, well of course "I Have Nothing"...UG! With what will be the first of probably 20 versions of this song to be performed this season, she begins. She's ok...yells a little bit and at some points is actually quite powerful and moving. Near the end of it though she really gets outta key and it kinda crashes and burns. Simon immediately goes for the drama and says it is terrible and that she is a murderer of vocal performance. She argues and I can understand why, because unlike other people who have been thrown this comment, she actually wasn't that bad. There were some parts that were pretty good actually. I think Simon is just in a bitchy mood or something. Randy laughs at her and Paula actually makes coherent sense by mentioning her inability to stay in the right key. Aretha gets mad pissed and leaves. hm... Considering that they let that mediocre sparkle-shaking dancer in earlier, I'm really shocked they didn't immediately jump all over Aretha for being above average. Hm...

Joshua Bosson- First off...stop having my name. Secondly, don't sing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" cuz dude, guys should not be allowed to sing that song. And thirdly, don't ever wear red pants. This chunkster convulsed all over the place trying to be like Jennifer Hudson in "Dreamgirls" and it's just weird and he tries to belt but it sounds like he is being murdered. He does the "and you, and you, and you" thing where he points to each of the judges in conjunction with the lyrics of the song. This is really embarrassing. Like, Aretha might have been out of tune, but she still had a nice tone. This guy, nah...he's a lost cause. All of the judges are speechless and as soon as Simon says he's no good (the truth), Joshua starts going off on how he knew he wasn't going to get picked cuz Idol is rigged. Wah...Wah...Wah...Shut up. Simon then fans the fire by calling him "deluded" which I love. He storms out of the room even though Paula begins to do damage control and compliment his personality or something. As soon as he leaves he lets loose on how awful Simon is and claims that Simon said that everyone in South Carolina sucks (completely not true). He's throwing a tantrum and needs to have his diapper changed. When are people gonna realize that acting like a completely beligerent prick on television will NOT make you look good?

Oliver Highman- So we are also shown clips of this guy throughout the show and his pregnant wife and her breaking water and them getting lost on the way to the hospital. He's this season's Phil Stacey, though he isn't making to Hollywood. He has a nice voice, if just a little too much vibrato. Simon says it's corny and Randy hates it. He gets a NO, but then brings in his beautiful wife and the most perfect baby I've ever seen and the judges go ape shit. Simon basically says that he believes it is his kid and the look in his eyes hints that he will try to steal this kid if it is left unattended for even a second. Oliver is a really nice guy and I won't hate on him, cuz he's kid is cute and he wasn't as terrible as all the others we've seen in Charleston.


Well, that's it for this week. Next week brings the conclusion of the lame auditions and starts Hollywood week, thank GOD.