Philadelphia Auditions

Ok...so American Idol is finally back and my life can once again gain some sort of meaning. Jordin "Only 473,000 Albums Sold" Sparxxx won last season much to my pleasure (that Blake "It Got Real Old Real Quick" Lewis didn't win) and to my dismay (that LaKisha was robbed!). But whatever...I'm hoping this season doesn't suck as much and I am also hoping that finally the world will start listening to me and my opinion on Idol, since it always turns out that I am correct...ie. Jennifer Hudson, Elliott Yamin & Chris Daughtry...all of which I enjoyed very much, and quite fittingly all of which end up doing way better than the winners of their respective seasons.

Ok...might as well get this disaster started:The show opens with shot after shot of bellowing monsters, who are shouting something about "bEiNg da NexT AmERiCaN iDoL".... same old crappy intro with the metallic zombie man walking through the Idol spaceship surrounded by the ghostly images of Idols past...although, and I'm not just saying this to be funny, I swear I didn't see Taylor Hicks' face. But whatever...he's dead.

Ok so Ryan looks thinner than ever and starts talking about how awesome Philly is and how because of the Liberty Bell and Ben Franklin it is the greatest place in the world (he somehow omitted the escalating crime rate and the terrible poverty). A limo pulls up to a bunch of maniac fans and Paula stumbles out looking drunk with a smile painted on her face. Simon pretends to smile, but is just trying really hard to not make it obvious how much he hates this show now. And then there's Randy and he's still fat but now has weird facial hair and sideburns. Lame...whatever...let's get to the singing...

...now I found that it would be best to divide up my recap of these early rounds with just little quick tidbits on the individuals I found stood out. They will all be placed in three categories: The Good, the Bad, and the Fucking Insane. Let's start things off on a positive note, shall we?


THE GOOD

Joey Something- I didn't catch this guy's last name. He comes in blabbering about how he used to weight like one million pounds and how now he only wears half a million. Whatever, shut up and sing. He starts doing his best impression of Adam Levine from Maroon 5 as he sings "Sunday Morning" and even though I think he sounds just a little TOO much like Mr. Levine, it's still good andthe judges let him throught...though not before Simon makes several scathing comments about him still being a fat slob.

Angela Martin- Now this girl I am putting my mark on right now...I'ma be watching her closely. Ok...ok...ok...we are given the Nikki McKibbin/Fantasia/LaKisha sob-story about having a baby when she was a teenager, but in one of those videos where the Idol staff go to the homes of the contestants (which seems incredibly biased to me, but whatever), it is revealed that the very beautiful 26-year-old Ms. Martin has an equally beautiful daughter who suffers from a syndrome similar to cerebral paulsy. If that wasn't heartbreaking enough, she is surrounded by a whole horde of friends and family that love each other more than I love "Dreamgirls" (which is A LOT), and then she rips my heart out by saying that she doesn't even care about the fame, she cares about getting the best medical attention for her daughter possible. From this point on, she could sound like a strangled bullfrog (or even worse, Mikalah Gordon) and I would still call in and vote for her. In her audition she sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours)" ala Sanjaya Malakar, only she kills it and reaffirms my thoughts that she will be one of the lucky contestants that I will become dangerously obsessed with this year (maybe even my next Jennifer Hudson/Elliott Yamin/LaKisha Jones!?!). Then she gets through, Simon tells her to try not to sound like a wedding singer and then makes a weird but fucking awesome comment about how he doesn't feel happy for people when good things happen to those other than himself.

Kristy Lee Cook- Maybe the next Kellie Pickler? I dunno...she's a country kinda girl (though she's from Oregon). She raises horses and sells them or some shit like that. She loves horsies, fishing, her log cabin and....cage fighting? I dunno, she doesn't really explain it and Simon immediately assumes she's somesort of Jello-wrestling hussy. But she has a nice smile and beautiful blonde locks and sings "Amazing Grace" like LeAnn Rimes would sing it with country twang to boot. Aside from her hideous shirt which looks soaked in deep red blood, she is spot-on and the judges send her through...though I doubt another pretty blonde country girl will win this year....BITCH, we already gots a Carrie Underwood!



THE BAD

James Lewis- So this guy was badnews from the second he stepped into the room. With his tiny head and his bigass suit he looks very oddly porportioned. He's a tourguide to someplace and said that he loves interacting with people...uh huh, that's really unique. He claims that his voice is similar to Eddie Vedder, which I find incredibly unlikely considering there isn't another person in the world that has a voice like Eddie Vedder, but I digres. He starts singing in front of the judges, and I swear I don't even know what fucking song he is singing...all I can really hear is a gorilla wailing at the top of its lungs while half its face it paralyzed on novicane. I swear to God between his bellows and Randy and Paula flipping their shit and crying, I had no idea what was going on. Of course Simon calls on the hysterical Randy who has shieled his manscaped face behind a pile of paper and he can barely get a word in by his gasps for air. The poor dude then asks the judges what he can work on and instead of telling him they just laugh in his face and he lives. Oh, he's gonna come back next year, he tells Ryan. Yeah...good luck.

Temptress Browne- Winning the silver (just behind Angela Martin) for most heart-wrenching story is the very buff Temptress. She's a large girl with an even larger mother. Both women are very sweet though and Temptress proceeds to tell us how due to her mother's medical problems and her personal dreams for success, she has decided to come onto Idol. Now, I nearly crapped myself when I found out that she is only 16, cuz girl looks like she is a 29-year-old belter. I flipped out even more when she mentions that she is a star on her school's football team. AND she loves cats!?!? This girl kicks major ass. Now sadly, as I could have predicted, she was a crappy singer (though she did sing Jennifer Hudson!!!). But no worries, she cries and then the judges and her entire family have a huge group hug and it's touching and I love her.

Kristine Tulisano- ok, so here's this girl with Princess Lea cinnamon rolls on her ears, a huge silver STAR WARS belt and the irritating habit of saying "DUUHHHHHHHHHHHH" after every single sentence...I know she woke make it through...her grandparents know she won't make it through...hell, even she probably knows she won't make it through, but she goes into the audition room anyway. She blathers about loving Star Wars too much and how she is going to force her kids to live with a name based off of a ficticious character. She then comments on how "men love her" and I do not want to press that topic any further. Oh...and she admits that she has an acne problem...what the hell? Ok, so Kristine and her black fishnet stockings go trodding into the audition room and make awkward conversation with the judges about...guess what...STAR WARS. blah blah...She then starts to sing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" and I'm jazzed cuz I love that song and she actually is kinda good and......oh wait...oh god...nevermind. She starts to really suck and it turns into a bloody mess. After the judges say she is worthless she starts to cry about how she's "such a dork" and how she wants them to "pay attention to the voice within" and blah blah blah, and she seems to gather her marbles together and leave with some dignity. But the second she steps out of the room she starts bitching about how no one sees her and all people see are the dorky outside and blah blah blah. Bitch, go get some therapy. I fucking hate these introverted, dorky individuals that are all about being proud of themselves, but whenever anything goes bad for them they immediately get all defensive and try to act all beligerent about how tough their lives off. Shut up. No one cares. You suck.



THE FUCKING BIZARRE

Yuka- Also known as "Sexy Face" by female friends of his (supposedly), this interesting guy starts stuttering and bantering about a wide variety of topics that I can't really comprehend. It's not his fault, he just doesn't speak English that well, but I then question why he would audition for an American singing competition where he will be forced to sing in English and be interviewed constantly. He's a sweet kid though, if just a little misguided. He butchers "How Deep Is Your Love?" by the Bee Gees and confuses the judges terribly. Paula tries to compliment him and says that she is impressed with how he "phonetically" learned the song. I'm like, bitch...he has a hard enough time speaking to you in normal conversation...do you think he knows what you mean by "phonetically"??? Give the kid a break. Simon wants Paula to cut the shit and says he sucks. Bye.

Alexis Cohen- In what could be confused as a semi-blind crackwhore who somehow snuck into the Idol auditions, Ms. Cohen is like something out of a high school anti-drug health class video. She is wearing this weird sparkling gray makeup all over her eyes and face with a matching dull chalk-colored lipstick. Her teeth are as yellow as her mental stability is rocky and she calls herself both an "artist" and a "pirate"...yeah. She lives with her mother in a single room apartment and two cats and a dog cuz she is going to school to be a veternarian. She does what all the female contestants that dress up like Halloween costumes do and defends her attire as her own personal style that's unique...aka stupid and not cute. She claims to sounds like Janis Joplin which I can kinda see with her raspy-two packs of cigarettes a day-voice. She starts to sing that "Don't You Want Somebody To Love?" song and it isn't that terrible, but her voice just isn't cut out for Idol...and by her voice I mean her entire volatile demeanor and bizarre self-image. Simon says that she seemed to be a little possessed by the song and that she would probably do well fronting some sort of band. Paula and Randy agree and everything seems to be cool. Oh wait, nevermind. She leaves the room and like a light switch being turned on, freaks the fuck out. She screams. She flips the bird. She accuses Simon of mocking her, which isn't true...he could have been A LOT meaner. SHe runs around the Idol audition building screeching and then her mother steps in the frame and calls Simon dumb for being British? I dunno. The crackbaby doesn't fall far from the cracktree I guess. She curses some more and like tries to lick the camera and basically shatters any chance she has at ever getting a real job.

Ben Harr- I knew this dude was bad news when he showed up earing a long cloak like some character out of Lord of the Rings. He refuses to tell Ryan what is underneath, claiming that it's for the judges to see. I now start to jog my memory to see if he maybe was a reject from a past season, coming back to seek vengance on the judges...maybe there is a rocket launcher under that cape? Hm...well. He steps into the room and Simon basically vetos him right from the get-go, and rightfully so. Cuz when the douche takes off his cloak he is basically not wearing anything other than a breatplate, some sort of roman skirt and his Idol number-tag covering his fat and bulbous body. I love Simon, because he doesn't even try to humor the guy. He's all like, "just cut the crap and get out". By Paula thinks she will play devil's advocate and tells him that it's not the mounds of fatty flesh or the fact he isn't wearing clothes that is offensive, but his CHEST HAIR?! And though there is much pleading from Simon, both her and Randy offer this idiot a second chance, if he comes back with a cleanly shaven torso. What the fuck has this contest come to? He waddles off and gets a waxing, which is conveniently available in the next room and returns. Oh...he's still fat. And he doesn't even get the first two words of "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls out, before Simon forces him to leave.




well those were the highlights for tonight's auditions. Let's hope tomorrow brings some more talent and some even more crazies!