San Diego Audition

So the next audition city is San Diego and the show opens with a clip of two old fucks in fisherman hates followed by a shot of a whale, a golf course and a surfer, all of which are apparently abundant. Now, before I begin, I am going to rework how I structure this review...instead of dividing each audition up into the Good, Bad and Fucking Mental, I will just categorize each contestant on whether they got through or not. I am doing this mainly because I have found that there are some cases where I REALLY don't agree with the decisions that the judges make, largely because Paula is a deaf space-cadet. Ok...here we go.

Through to Hollywood

Tatyana Ostapawyeh- Sassy little darlin' in a red ensemble. She's got some 'tude, but is pretty awesome singing "Someone To Watch Over Me". Kinda raspy tone but is a blond pop-princess on the outside...like Mikalah Gordan meets Carrie Underwood meets a huge nose. Simon thinks she is a pretentious bitch and I kinda know what he's getting at. He throws the "you're not as good as you think you are" line at her, which has become his new favorite saying this season. Randy and Paula laugh like hyenas and send her through. She then goes jogging with Ryan (???).

Harry Cataldo- Finally, for once we have a single-FATHER as opposed to the millions upon millions of single-mothers that we are inundated with each season. Harry is a nice caring father with a son that looks just like him. He gives a very vague and unsettling description of his wife's death and then there are like 20 shots of he and his son smiling and flashing the blinging ice around their necks. He sings that played-out "I'll Make Love To You" joint that everyone thinks is so hot but is actually more of a turn-off than anything else. I think he's boring and has crazy vibrato. Paula is drunk and wants him in the worst way possible. The judges are totally digging the fact that his wife is dead though, so they let him through.

Samantha Musso- So basically in the intro-segment this chick and her sister like gush about how hot they think Simon is and like, they are kinda terrifying. Usually when there are contestants that are this wild and happy and bubbly, they get turned away...if you want on, tell a depressing story about being in a car accident or having so weird disease, nine times out of ten, it will work. But anyway, I totally pegged this girl to suck terribly based solely on her annoying enthusiasm to meet Simon. Once in the audition room, bitch is all like "oh my gaaaaaaawd! I have a note for you from my sister" and before Simon can even read it, the girl's sister barges into the room and like creams all up inside her pants. Simon is totally expecting this girl to be a terrible singer, because he asks her sister if she wants to judge with them, aka trying to force the girl to say her sister is a god-awful mess of a singer. But after she snuggles up to Simon in his chair, Samantha sings ("Until You Come Back to Me"!!!) and is pretty good. She has a great tone and a semi-edgy look to her, without becoming obnoxious and annoying. It's cute cuz Simon asks her sister what she thinks, and she pretends to criticize. The judges like her and then the two sisters tag-team Simon and blatantly blow off a hug from Ryan when they leave the audition room. Ha!

David Achulato- Alright, back to the sob-stories. This 16-year old pseudo-Zac Efron wannabe cuz like a soar throat once that paralyzed his vocals chords or something and like doctors said he could never speak again, but ALAS! he proved them wrong and is now a good singer that wants to prove himself or some sappy shit like that. He's kinda nervous and is cute with his spiky hair and the deer-in-headlights look in his eyes. He has a rough-tone to his voice and sings that "We Are The World" wannabe "Waiting on the World to Change". He fucks up the lyrics a little but is still decent. Randy looks completely uninterested until the chorus comes in, where he starts to sing backup and it's annoying. Aside from his eye-rolling back-story, he's a nice kid with a good voice, and I'm happy he goes through.

Carly Simson- Could very well be this seasons "rocker!!!" with her tattooed arm, and really hot husband who sadly has the ink drawings all over his beautiful face. She's from England or Ireland or somewhere...and has that weird Leprechaun accent...like not just Irish, but fucking pot-of-gold-Irish. We are informed that she auditioned for the 5th season and made it to Hollywood, but was ultimately disqualified cuz her Visa didn't get accepted in time. It's a sad but not over-the-top kinda back-story that makes me like her. She sings "I'm Every Woman (the Non-Mandisa remix)" and is 'aight. She's a little off in pitch and messes way too much with the arrangement of the song and warbles too much, but hey, whatever...she's still a lot better than basically everyone that made the top 12 last season. Simon says she wasn't as good as she was during season 5, which I don't buy cuz even if it is true, how the fuck does Simon remember her from two years ago after only seeing her once? It's BS, but Randy says that she "can blow" which I guess is a good thing. She's in.


Rejected Losers

Valerie Rays- She like totally loves Mariah! Oh fuck, this isn't a good sign already. There hasn't been a single good audition where the contestant has mentioned Mariah Carey, and not bombed terribly in a fit of fiery anger or disbelief. And this audition doesn't break that chain. After claiming that strangers on the street confuse this round-faced, button-eyed, bowling ball headed chunkster with Mariah Carey, Ryan does some intense investigative journalism and uncovers the fact that Ms. Rays LOVES to laugh at the lame-ass douches that embarrass themselves on television, that she will oh so shortly find herself becoming one of. She starts singing and is trying to do the whole "whistle-register" high note screeching that Mariah has patented but just warbles between really high to really low. Simon compares her to a melted CD, and she pretends to know what he means. Whatever Paula says doesn't matter and Randy goes deaf for a second and claims that she has a nice tone. Shut up. She gets the boot though and then nearly heaves all over the audition room with the realization that she is now one of the terrifyingly awful dumbass rejects that she so mercilessly ridiculed. Karma's a bitch, bitch.

Monique Gibson & Christopher Baker- So this is the duo from hell. Monqiue is a large, sass-pot that's overflowing with unattractive attitude while Christopher seems to be her flamboyantly psychotic, anorexic counterpart. Monique goes first and even before she sings, Simon tells her that she is an utter mess with her attire and says that at least three separate people must have dressed you, to which she replies that, no, she dressed herself. Uh huh...making yourself look real good already, dumbass. She will be singing "I Believe In Miracles" aka, the wrong song titled version of "I Believe In You and Me"...side note: I really don't get these people that go into the audition room and either a) don't know the name of their song, b) don't know the words to their song or c) don't know the melody of their song...like, wouldn't you be practicing for like days upon days in advance, just to make sure that the song you're singing to the judges will fit your voice well? Seriously? Oh god I really don't get people. Anyway, she sucks and goes from yelling to whining then back to yelling then to just fucking annoying. The judges tell her she is god-awful, but she is one of those stubborn, belligerent ones that think arguing with the judges will make them suddenly like you or make you suddenly not have the voice of a convulsing epileptic cow. She then cries about her struggle to get here, but I'm all like "bitch, we didn't see no long and overly explanatory video segment prior to your audition, so keep your problems to yourself". Then comes in Christopher who is a malnourished queen who cocks his head out while overtly emphasizing every single syllable. He also starts yelling...oh! Yeah, he's singing that annoying ass "I Believe the Children Are Our Future" which is probably the most disturbing song ever. Simon says that not a note was in tune to which he responds with warble after warble after exhaustive warble. When the judges tell him to shut up he starts throwing a tantrum to which he is escorted outside. Then the powers of suck are combined when Monique and Christopher begin free-styling and screaming about how great they are before singing the ABC's and storming out like they had any dignity in the first place. Yeah, in their dreams.

Blake Boshano- Ok, so this dude has hideous teeth. He also dressed up as the Statue of Liberty season 5 and was (duh) rejected by the judges. Ug...KOOKY COSTUMES NEVER WORK! IDIOTS! We see his mom and she seems cute but then starts talking about how it is her dream to see her son on American Idol and she's a little bizarre. Basically stating that the entire point of her existence is to see her son sing the mediocre hell out of Stevie Wonder songs, she terrifies me. We are reminded that Simon called Blake an "Idiot" during the season 5 audition. But what is really strange is the fact that this kid has a decent voice. It's a little gentle...aka sickly, but it isn't bad. The judges aren't feeling it though and they all say "no". He tells his family and his mother's world shatters to pieces around her, while Blake hugs some gorgeous dude who appears out of nowhere.

Alberto Hurtado- Fat hippie. We are shown a drug-induced montage of clips of this creep smelling flowers and being fat and stroking his nasty ass hair with his two-inch long fingernails and twirling a Barbie doll. He says that he gets inspiration from his imagination, which doesn't really make sense, considering that your imagination is actually the think that tends to spark inspiration, but I won't quibble anymore over such an idiotic statement. He admits that he lives inside his imagination (strange)...maybe a little TOO MUCH (dangerous sociopath!). He's wearing some shirt with an eagle on it and has bangles all over his pants like some sort of belly dancer (which I shiver to think of), and is wafting his (probable) B.O. all over the place with this huge ass wooden fan that has some statement about him being the American Idol scribbled on it. Uh...huh, this guy really has a chance. He greets the judges and Simon is already through with this kid and his dirty soft-spoken pervert voice. Alberto will be singing his own composition...shocker. It's called "Live" and sounds made-up right from the get-go. He fluffs his hair and scares the judges and Simon says that it is a depressing piece of shit song, to which the flower child disagrees and tries to sing more. Simon isn't buying it though and interrupts and tries to relate to the earthiness of this nut by saying the song is like "a storm cloud". Then Alberto claims to have a depressing life (oh really?) and leaves the audition room and more or less dies in his mother's arms. Then some crazy woman starts blathering about special the kid is at everything before the terrifying beast takes the last walk of the Navajo on the Trail of Tears out of the building...which then turns into a running sprint suddenly.


Well, that was San Diego for ya...Some good, some bad...I'm disappointed though, cuz aside from Pia from one of last week's auditions, I haven't really seen anyone that I think has any sort of spunk or uniqueness to them. Tomorrow I'll write on my hilarious findings in South Carolina.