Top 24 - Guys

So tonight begins the much anticipated voting section of the show...and thank god! I've had about enough of shitty ass attention-seeking freaks and am ready to get to the "good" stuff. During the top 24 up until the top 12, I am going to do brief little recaps about each performance, mainly so I don't spend hours upon hours going into detail about every single performance (it would take me forever!). I'm also going to give each performance a grade based on how well I think they did, to which I will keep track of throughout their runs on the show. This season, as well as allowing contestants the ability to play an instrument on stage, the semi-final rounds are also going to feature inconvenient themes. Tonight's collection comes from the 60's...yay. Ok, I won't waste any more time since there are like a million (aka 12) performances to cover...so here we goooooo.


Dave Hernandez- Starting us off is this tan, long-faced 20-something. First thing I notice? He's wearing some off white shirt that looks stained with splotches of soot. Not a big deal, but it's very distracting. Whatever...his singing? He is actually pretty good. He sings some song I've never heard of that repeats "Midnight Hour" so I will assume that's the title. The song begins strong and he more or less delivers a decent performance all the way through, however, he does kinda get terribly off key near the end which fucks up his ending power notes. But ignoring this and the fact that he never once lifted his feet off the stage and stayed completely planted in one spot like some sort of child stricken with stage fright, he started the night off rather well.

Randy agrees with me and thinks that he got the show off to a bang. Paula warbles about how great his vibrato and falsetto are and Simon caps it all off with a shrounded compliment, basically stating that he is surprised that Dave didn't completely bomb. To this Dave gives a nervous and incredibly goofy smile. And like I mentioned, Simon also says that he needs to loosen up and not look so rigid while on stage.

My Grade: B


Chikezie- Ok...so our soulful Ruben wannabe this season comes in the form of this slightly cocky and slightly mediocre singer. He's pulling a Mandisa, referring to himself solely by his confusing first name. Whatever...he comes out wearing quite possible the ugliest suit in the history of the world. Not only is it completely red, but it looks kind of faded and even a little dusty. It's a huge mess and his singing doesn't ease the pain. The song begins completely outta pitch and the only time he really seems to get a handle on his voice is when he gets loud and belts. The verses though, they sound karaoke.

Randy and his gigantic watch refuse to hate on the only brother in the top 24 just yet, so he lies and says that it wasn't terrible. Paula stumbles over her words like a drunken floozy and makes awkward comments about how he used to be really fat and how now he's only regular fat. She then reminds the audience that Chikezie "is here", whatever that means. Simon pulls a deliberate (and awesome) dick move and calls his "Jacuzzi" which I will now refer to him as for as long as he plagues this show with his girth and boring voice. Simon then calls out Jacuzzi on his hideous shirt and says that the vocals were bad. The audience gives a delayed boo followed by Jacuzzi doing the number one thing you NEVER do on American Idol, which is get beligerent and rude to the judges. Sure, LaKisha and J-Hud and even Sanjaya have fired sassy comments back at Simon, but they have always done so with a certain level of humor and unoffensiveness. Jacuzzi though? He throws a Brittenum Brothers tantrum and starts blathering about Simon's choice of clothes and then gets all smart-assy and rolls his eyes in Simon's direction and I instantly hate him. Like, just deal with the criticism...even if you don't agree, don't become all self-righteous cuz even if you are right, you come across like a prick. Bad Jacuzzi, bad.

My Grade: C


David Cook- He'll be singing that "Happy Together" song that always makes me feel like I'm high. The song begins and is really fucked up. It seems as though he is off the beat or isn't singing the right words...I dunno if he is messing up the lyrics or if the beat of the song isn't right, but it is kind of a mess at first. It starts to get better though and fitting in conjunction with his dyed punky hair, he turns the general peppy and light pop ditty into a modern alternative rock song. He isn't terrible and the few times that he belts without screaming he actually sounds decent. However, David and his terrifiying jowels are locked into some pyschopathic rapist stare that seriously made my friends and I cringe. He then twirls the mic stand around near the end of the song and I fear for the lives of those sitting closest to the stage. But no one gets decapitated or sexually assaulted and the judges weigh in.

Randy thought it was made strange dawg while Paula starts to comment but then gets "wordy" and "worthy" confused with one another and blathers about something or other. In all honesty, it made no sense. Simon claims that even though he shouted his way through it, David did a more or less good job. He "almost" had it is basically what Simon said which is such a cruel comment...like you were so close to doing a good job, but whoops! you didn't!

My Grade: B-


Jason Yeager(meister)- This guy is quite strange looking with a weird tuft of pale hair sticking out like alfalfa from the front of his bangs and a neck that is as thick and wide as his head. He is the first one so far to take a chance and sing a slow song on the dreaded stool. Here is a tip...after watching four seasons on Idol, I have come to the conclusion that nine times out of ten, if you are seated on a stool while you prefer, you will do terribly. Just stand up you lazy oaf! Yeagerbomb sings some stupid slow song and it is really boring. Actually, for most of his performance it was hard to even tell if he was singing along with the background musicians because the song was so poorly arranged. What is even worse is that he is completely unaware that he is bombing and throughout his performance he smirks like a douche to the audience and tries to act all smooth and intriguing, but he just comes across like a delusion fool that thinks he's way better than he actually is. I looked at my friends when it was finished and asked "What that a song?" I still do not know.

Randy must have been eating a sandwich during the performance cuz he thinks it was "pretty good". He points out that he was pitchy in some spots (which I take to mean the ENTIRE SONG) but commends him for taking on such a difficult classic. Paula blurts out the stupid and uninteresting fact that whatever this song was he sang was the first backing track she ever danced to at a recital. Wow! Memories! Shut up. Simon then comes like a beacon of beautiful destruction and craps on both Jason's dreams and the hopes for his son who is seated in the audience. He calls him old-sounding and that it was a cruiseship performance (I LOVE that one!). He then calls him an old dog (which I take means he shoul be euthenized). Jason smiles like a goon some more and I take a bathroom break to vommit my lungs out.

My Grade: C-


Robbie Carrico- One of the many rocker clones this season, Carrico has come well equipped with a red bandana around his long tangled hair and 5 day old facial hair to take the audience by storm. Ok...well maybe not by storm...maybe more like a light breeze. His rendition of "One is the Lonliest Number" began like many other performances from tonight, with jumbling lyrics and a shaky start. He sings the joint alright but seems incredibly reserved and timid throughout, which is odd considering his very expressive get-up.

Randy thought it was a "nice one" which comes as a shock to me...I thought this semi-decent, semi-mediocre performance would be the ideal fit for Randy's disapproving sigh that so often accompanies the stroking of his bald head. Paula thought it was the perfect song for Robbie, which I agree with. Simon thought it was the only performance thus far that really connected and made any sense, but he questions his authenticity as a rock singer. Kind of tying in my point from earlier, he showed a certain level of discomfort while up on stage...if he gets his act together and really lets himself go, he could be one of the better performers this season.

My Grade: B-


David Archuleta- So I am faced with a dilemma when it comes to Mr. Archuleta. I want to find him incredibly irritating and annoying, but the kid has a pretty damn good voice. Aside from looking like he is 12 years old, he has a surprisingly mature voice that isn't a) too old-fashioned, like John Stevens, b) too nervous, like Kevin Covais or c) bad, like Sanjaya "Papaya" Malakar. When he sings he has a very well-rounded demeanor to his voice that really flows well along his song for tonight, "Shop Around." And even though he kind of looks and sounds like a muppet sometimes when he talks, he delivers a decent performance. Damn! I was so ready to rip this kid apart, but I dare to say he seems like a shoe-in already for the top 12. He has a few problems when he gets into his lower register and he stutters a tad during the last long note, but more or less...he's refreshingly awesome.

Randy says he's a big fan and comments on the maturity in his voice. Paula says that she forgets how old he is to which I say, "JUST LOOK AT HIM!" He looks like an infant. Simon says that it was the best so far tonight and I concure. Just be careful Archuleta, cuz I have my eyes on you, and the second you mess up all my irrational hatred is bound to come rushing to the surface!

My Grade: B+


Danny "Miley Cyrus" Noriega- So an astute observation done by my friend Sam has brought to my attention the fact that this impish little queen has a face that's shockingly similar to that of preteen goddess Hannah "Miley Ray" Montana. Now that I am completely disturbed by his looks, the fact that he sings an Elvis song terribly and is wearing the tightest jeans in the history of denim, I lose all sense of reality and curl into a fetal ball and cry. His crotch more or less smack the camera in the face as he shimmies his way down the stripper stairs and eye fucks the audience. Occasionaly swishing his exaggerated bangs to the side, Miley gays himself all over the stage with a lot of unneccesary cockiness. And although his speaking voice is probably the most flamboyantly upsetting thing in the entire world, shaming me as a gay male, his singing voice is actually much more masculine. But that doesn't mean it's any good. It's definitely not up to par with his first audition or how he sounded in Hollywood week. After thoroughly skeeving out a good majority of the home viewers with his swiveling hips and terrifying snarls, the song ends.

Randy says that he always knows how to have a good time, to which he responds "I always bring the house down," to which I respond "Shut up you annoying defamation against homosexuality." Then Randy says that the vocals were fucked from the first note and that he was only "kinda hot," to which Danny looks pleased cuz any sort of compliment he can get, he should take, cuz based on Simon's disgusted look, you know he's gonna tear this kid a new one...but wait! We can't skip Paula who makes an oddly erotic comment about how not only was the performance "warm" but it was almost "scalding" to which my friends and I look at each other in confused silence pondering whether this makes sense or if this is just a drug-induced spatter of words that somehow formulated a sentence in Paula's mind and slipped their way out of her gaping yapper. We choose the latter, obviously. She then starts talking about colors or something and the camera quickly pans to Cowell. Simon then calls the performance "grotesque" and says that he "destroyed" are both very accurate statements I agree with. I love Simon...he fucking tells it like it is and doesn't pitter patter through the bullshit the other two seem to do. Paula then starts to talk again and Simon insults her and she gets all riled up and Randy comes to the rescue and Ryan gives Miley's number and no one calls it.

My Grade: C-


Luke Menard- So now comes the stud of the bunch...at least in my opinion. Luke, with his sweet eyes, perfect teeth and chiseled jawline, works his way on stage and slowly melts my heart. He is a nice guy, if kind of quiet. He's wearing an incredibly unflattering outfit consisting of a dusty red Christmas sweater, unfitted jeans and a homeless man's jacket. He sings that "Everybody's Talkin'" song that I think was in "Forrest Gump." Sadly though, his delicious physical appearance is far stellar then his voice, which is weak, a little whiney and as boring as a bitch. He sings way too quietly and I question why so many contestants opted for slower songs over up-tempo ones. At least if you're dancing around and getting the audience excited you'll be remembered, but when you kinda blow on top of just standing and staring mournfully into the camera, you are destined for disaster. Near the end, Luke tries to do some falsetto, but he doesn't pull it off and it ends up just being uncomfortable and awkward.

Randy said it was mad pitchy and sharp. I actually understand AND agree with Paula when she criticizes his song choice before calling him "tender". Simon makes fun of Paula and then calls Luke forgettable. But does Luke think he is forgettable? Of course not and after Ryan coercies him to defend his lackluster performance, he basically says that he doesn't agree with the judges at all. Oh Luke...shut your mouth...don't talk...don't sing...just look pretty.

My Grade: C


Colton "Albino Child" Berry- This forest nymph with sunken Caulkin eyes his quiet terrifying to look at. When he smiles, his mouth encompasses most of the camera shot. He's a creepy one and he will be singing that "Suspicious Minds" song that Chris Daughtry nailed two seasons ago. He convulses on stage a little bit and tries to get into it. It isn't bad...his voice is gentle but when he belts he actually is pretty decent. During the last section of the song, though, his voice switches to an octive higher and it is weird if not a little confusing.

Randy thought it was just "aight" which means he hated it. Paula didn't think it was his best, which means she hated it. Simon said he got NOTHING out of it and could never see him recording an album. He then makes an absolutely awesome comment that not only pertains to Colton, but also (presumaly) to both David Cook and Miley Cyrus when he says that the contestants need to pay more attention to their vocals and less to their hair. Ha! Simon is totally looking to crush any potential Sanjayas this season before the top 12 is picked...and thank goodness!

My Grade: C+


Garrett Haley- Now here's some kid that I never once have seen before. He has long dirrty hair and a very disconcertingly high-toned voice. He also has some bizarre ass accent that I really can't put my finger on. He sings the cheezball of all songs, "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" and stairs gazingly into the camera like David Cassiday trying to woo the hearts of an audience who is immediately turned off by his sickly appearance. Like many of the other guys tonight, he isn't a bad singer, but he is just boring...this performance is exactly like four or five others tonight that just reeked on blandness and lacked any real originality. He does some pseudo-impressive belting towards the end, but it's really not enough to make him distinct from the rest of the crowd.

Randy thought he didn't do anything really unique to the song. Paula thought it was coma-inducing. Simon calls him out on having a naturally whiney and unappealing voice and for looking terrified. He then says he looks like some sort of sun-deprived shut-in lunatic which would be hilarious if poor Garret didn't already look so defeated. Thankfully, he doesn't get beligerent like some of the other performers tonight, and he humbly takes the criticism and even jokes with Simon about his intentions of going to a tanning bed...AW! Though his performance had the flavor of a piece of tofu, his personality does come out a little bit and makes him, at least in my opinion, more likable than some of the other contestants.

My Grade: C-


Jason "Different Hair" Castro- So I guess his dreads make him unique or look rastafarian and hip, but in all honesty, I think he has a very piercing gaze and a really great face...it's a shame he's got his hair all knotted up. Jason is a cute and extremely mellooow individual who will be the only contestant tonight to take a chance and play an instrument. With his guitar in tow, Mr. Castron will be singing that "What a Day for a Daydream" song and it fits well with his freewheelin' hairstyle. And although he took a risk at coming off sounding way to "earthy" and old-fashioned, he has a nice contemporary folk sound to his voice that I really enjoy. He belts well and has a really sweet falsetto and he just seems to really get into the song itself which is much more than I can say for the majority of performances seen tonight. Ignoring the dotted girl's blouse he has on, I would say that he could very well have one of the best performances on the night and could very well be guaranteed a spot into the top twelve with his genuine and likable personality.

Randy liked it and thought that even though it was "pitchy" it was still "aight." Shut up Randy! Paula is blazed outta her mind and mumbles something about perfect song choice. She then says something about how she loves colors and it is just a mess and makes zero sense. Simon thought that Jason, along with Archuleta, had the best performance of the night. I think I might have a potential canidate for my "Idol Obsession of the Season." Falling the footsteps of Jennifer Hudson, Elliott Yamin and LaKisha Jones, could Mr. Dreads be the next? Maybe!

My Grade: A-


Michael Johns- Finishing us out tonight is the Austrailian born Georgian heartthrob. With looks to melt girls' hearts, Michael steps out on stage to sing the fittingly provocative "Light My Fire" by the Doors and it is hot and steamy. What is really impressive about John, aside from his stellar good looks and him actually having a soul, is his great control over his lower register. Many contestants are great at belting, but when it comes to singing in the lower half of their voice, they falter. Even the adorably addictive Archuleta gets a little shaky when trying to hit those lower notes. Michael though? He has absolute great control on that area of his range and it really shines in this performance. He interacts well the audience and the camera absolutely loves him, so he ends tonight's show on an impressive high note.

Randy thought that it was "real" which means he loved it. Paula stares dreamily at him and drools. Simon thinks that he has been the most consistent contestant so far delivering stellar performances tonight, during Hollywood week and at his initial audition. He compliments him on his natural charm and praises his personality.

My Grade: A-



Safe?
- David Archuleta for playing the cutesy baby card just enough to be appealing but not too much to be irritating.
- Jason Castro for taking a chance and delivering a solid performance with his guitar.
- Michael Johns for being the whole package, goodlooking, a great singer and a decent showman.


In Danger?
- Jason Yeager(Meister) for sitting on a stool and not singing a real song.
- Luke Menard for -- even though being smokin' hot -- being boring and unenthusiastic.
- Garrett Haley for being some sort of vampire and not having an ounce of life in him.



tomorrow night it's the ladies!!!