Top 8 - Inspirational Songs

Sorry for skipping last week...I got really busy. Whatever...Ramen Noodles Maboobaloo went home so I'm happy!

So tomorrow is stupid Idol gives back...blah blah...saving dieing kids. Fox is so generous...shots of Randy and Paula and Simon hugging starving children. Whatever. So you know what that means?!?! Tonight is another lame stupid Inspirational song week with each contestant picking the most dramatic and cliche songs in the history of the world. However...I think Kristy Lee Cook might be in trouble, cuz a) she sucks, and b) she already sang the goofiest lamest song ever two weeks back with that "God Damn the USA" song.


Michael Johns- So he will be singing "Dream On" by Aerosmith. He explains in his expo video that he loves America soooo much for helping him reach his dreams. And he is really thankful that his dreams are coming true right now on American Idol. And guess what?!? He never thought he'd ever be this close to his dreams EVER! And then he says he dreams. And then he talks about said dreams. And then he says dreams like a billion more times.

So the performance starts with the entire stage (feat. Johns) bathed in hellish red death light. He is wearing some sort of Jason Castro vest and has a gross scarf like wrapped around his neck and stuck under his shirt. It's confusing. His hair has that hot and disheveled "I just woke up after a sexy fuckfest" look. The song starts rough with him attempting to really emote the song, but just not singing that well. He makes those "oh" faces he loves and raises his hands to the gods above. An electric guitar is chugging along in the background and it really doesn't mess well with his voice for most of the song. When the song picks up and the chorus kicks in he starts to get more in-tune with the track. He also starts to look better when the camera JIBS around from behind him and there is a gorgeous shot of his ass in those tight pants. But even though it did get better, I can't help but feel that this is the opening performance of a long Aerosmith dedication medley. Near the end, he attempts Steven Tyler's falsetto screeching and it's ok...but just a little too copy-catish. I dunno...I mean, it was ok, but not nearly as good as the past few weeks. He'll be safe, but I hope he brings a more original performance next week. But he's still better than Kristy though...so whatever.

Randy and his awkward sideburns thinks this is a very important week. Whatever. He then claims that it was a good song choice...which I don't agree with. He calls him out on the blatant pitch problems and says that this whole "rocker" vibe doesn't jive well with Michael's persona...and this point completely contradicts his earlier assessment that it was a good song for him to sing. Michael then tries to argue with Randy, and it's painful cuz Randy fires back and says that Johns should keep his mouth shut, cuz he don't know shit about anything. Paula, whose boobs are literally spilling out all over the table, says that he looks hot so therefor he sounds good. SHe praises his high notes and says that her "chihuahuas" loved it. I of course assume she means her boobs, which are heaving up and down like panting fat children in the summer sun. Simon thought it was good...but wannabe-ish. Bingo.

My Grade: B-


Syesha Supermercado- UGGGGGGGGGGG. She is going to be singing that shitty "I Believe" song that Fantasia screamed at us after she won the third season. Considering that this song is basically "A Moment Like This" written for someone with a low IQ and a bullfrog's voice, I have extremely loooooooooow expectations. Syesha said that this song lets her think that ANYTHING is possible if you just believe...blah blah. Whatever. She is inspired by this crappy American Idol pimped out cheesefest, and I lose a little bit of respect for her.

She is dressed very nicely though I forget exactly what she was wearing. Her voice starts off very nicely...gently and smooth with delicate little runs...reminds me almost of my Goddess from above, Aaliyah (BONUS POINTS!!!). She has nice control over the song and really nails the subtle vocal acrobats that Fantasia never attempted...cuz she's not Jennifer Hudson. She sings well...but this song is so dopey and cliche that I seriously am too distracted by how piss poor these lyrics to really focus on Syesha's voice. She sings about magic. She sings about stars. She sings about dreams and pots of gold and special moments arriving and then I heave my guts out. Ug...so dumb. Seriously, who writes these songs, and why are they getting paid for it when I could crap prettier things into a toilet bowl??? Anyway...she hits some awesome random high note at the end and it's really good. She hasn't seen this confident in a long-ass time, and she really seems in her element. However...I know she's fucked, cuz whenever anyone ever sings a previous Idol's song, the judges murder them...so just prepare yourself Supermercado.

Randy thought that it was bland and that Fantasia was great and that Syesha isn't. He mentions a lack of connection to the song, to which I think, "I hope so...since the song has the emotional appeal of a stuffed vaccuum cleaner waiting to burst at the seems with dust and potato chip crumbs." She tries to argue with him and he shits on her just like how she dropped a dump on Michael. Paula thinks it's cute that she likes Fantasia (cuz apparently no one else does). She thought that she really made the song her own and that this was one of her best nights. Simon thinks that even though she sang it well, it didn't compare to Fantasia's performance. He says it lacks any real emotion...and duh. The song sucks! Ug...whatever.

My Grade: B+



Jason Castro- So he will be singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", only instead of doing the queer Judy Garland/Katharine McBulimia version, he will be singing some goofy acoustic ukulele version that's really introspective and kooky and who gives a fuck? We are shown terrifying shots of Castro and his tentacle hair and then he talks about dreams and whatever.

He is playing the ukulele and it is hilarious. His arms are all clenched to him as he strums that little instrument. It's really funny and greatly accentuates his Muppet-like qualities. He has a terrifying blank stare and looks either high or dead. Ok...I really like Castro...but damn, this hippy-college-stoner act needs to be put to bed. Do something else. The producers must of ordered an extra side of cheese, cuz there are rainbow lights cascading all over the audience and we can see the sluts in the first row staring longingly into Castro's vacant eyeholes. Near the end of the song he does some nice emoting where he hits some pretty cute, vulnerable notes, but I feel like he missed out on some great parts of the chorus where he could have belted, or at least done something more than just whisper along with the melody. It's okay...He's a good singer, but I am just bored to tears now by him.

Randy says that he is "back in the hut"...whatever the bloody balls that means. Randy must have caught Paula's retard flu, cuz he then calls Castro "crazy molten hot" and it's really uncomfortable. Paula creams all over the floor and says that he has a very definitive sound...with his guitar...even though he isn't using his guitar this week. She's totally out of it tonight, folks. Simon thought it was "fantastic" which is a little over the top. I guess I must have become really jaded though, cuz in all honesty, I can't tell his performances apart from one another anymore. They all travel the same pace, hitting the same old notes, making the same old goofy faces into the camera. I want something upbeat...fun...worth watching/writing about.

My Grade: B



Kristy Lee Cook- Of course the devil loves Martina McBride and will be singing some shitty song of hers that I don't care enough about to look up. She then says that she doesn't want to give up...blah blah...she loves America...snore snore...she sold her horse to get to Hollywood...cake cake...she sucks a lot. Boo.

She is basically wearing the same disco-ball shirt from a few weeks ago. Tonight her position is planted in front of the mic, in the middle of the stage, waving her arms around like she's being pulled into quicksand and only the rapid convulsing of her appendages provide anysort of help in freeing herself. Her voice is really off. I dunno...like I don't know much about Martina McBride, but I know her voice is pretty damn powerful. And even if she does have a nice country tone, I just don't think that Kristy's voice is strong enough to take on a song of hers...or anyone's for that matter. Now, if Kristy was to sing one of those slow semi-cliche songs that Brooke seems to fond of, I think she might actually give a decent performance...but all this bigger songs just aren't cutting in, cuz her voice is just lacking any sort of power behind it. I think Kristy and her pseudo-lazy eyes have really overstayed their fucking welcome. Go back to your farm and your family and the huge American flag that wafts in the breeze in front of your house and get off my tv. To her defense though, she does hit one really nice long note at the end, but then later ruins it with some warbled "yeah yeah"s that come out of nowhere and smash the living hell out of the only good note I think she's ever hit on this show. Oh, and her lack of stage presence is physically painful to watch. Boo.

Randy is moronic tonight. It was pitchy...but he "loved it"??? Paula thinks it was her best performance that it's so easy to songs that inspire them...??? I don't understand, or care enough to actually figure out what she's talking about. Simon thought it was a random, shitty song to sing, but that she delivered a very very good performance. Yeah...TWO "very"s. What...I would for serial rather listen to the out-of-tune likes of Kellie "Puck and" Pickler, than sit through more Kristy Lee Cook performances.

My Grade: C+




David Cook- He'll be singing one of my favorite songs..."Innocent" by Our Lady Peace. I'm excited, but also very confused considering that this song received very little airplay and I am positive that no one other than me and like four other people really remember it. In his video, he looks like a dirty little teenager with scruffy facial hair and tiny eyes. He thinks the song is great and loves what it tries to convey. Then he says something about everyone having a heart...YAWN FESTIVAL begins NOW!

So the song starts and it is TERRIBLE. First off, he doesn't have his guitar this week, which you can instantly tell makes him uncomfortable. He walks around on stage, not really doing anything and then he traverses into the audience and stands in front of the judges and it makes no sense. Secondly, his lower range is god awful this week, and it sounds very muddled and very all-over-the-place. Now, when he belts, it's another story. He does that rocker yell-sing thing that he is an expert at and it kind of redeems that shittiness of the performance thus far, but then he goes back to the low notes and ruins my life some more. Oh, and he is wearing the fugliest effing jacket ever. It's eggshell white and has like a million buttons and it's too small for him. When he approaches the judges' table, Paula starts dancing and her boobs start to scare me...cuz seriously, those babies are about to bust the hell outta that top. He then ends the performance opening up his palm to reveal the words "give back." scribbled on the inside. BARF! That's even cornier than Kristy's "God Bless My Ass" song from two weeks ago. Like seriously, how melodramatic and fakely compassionate can you be? Boo boo boo David Cook. Boo.

Randy thought it sucked...cuz it kinda did. He "didn't get it" which is now my favorite Randy quote...it's so cold and mean and just like "fuck that...I'm not gonna waste my time actually thinking of something constructive to say to you...asshole." Paula ignores Randy and calls David the "whole package"....yeah yeah yeah. There is a shot of Taylor Swift in the audience and I totally vomit everywhere cuz I hate that girl. You know Brooke White is a big fan and I am so over both of them. Simon thought it was POMPOUS. YES! Exactly. I hate people that think they are really introspective and smart and deep because they like pretend to be activists for causes that they obviously are uninterested in. He also hated the jacket and the Jesus walking through the crowd and I totes agree! Simon and I are back on the same page! YAY! Paula then gets upset that he is insulting her loverboy and then like starts to cry and pee on Simon and Simon's like..."I'm not going to touch you" and it's really confusing.

My Grade: C-


Carly Smithson- She's perfect and will be singing "The Show Must Go On" which is actually one of my least favorite Queen songs. It's okay though, cuz Carly is wonderful and if you don't love her, you suck...a lot. She then says that it inspires her to never give up no matter what "bonks" you on your way. I don't really understand what that means, but it's adorable and drenched in her cute accent, so I get over it.

Her makeup is flawless tonight, and her piercing blue eyes are especially hypnotic. But then the camera zooms out and we see the high-waisted trainwreck that's taking place, and I cry. I guess they need at least one contestant to be wearing their jeans way too high, at all times. First it was Asia'h...then she bounced. Ramen Noodles Maboobaloo then took the reigns and wore high-waisted pants until she peaced out last week...now I guess Carly is taking the fashion fall. Whatever...she sings better than all these other bitches, so once again, I get over it. Her vocals are more or less strong...although she does hit some bum notes when she belts. She is very concentrated this evening...like she's vindicated and ready to prove to the world that she is better than everyone ever. The Amy Winehouse tattoo on her arm is especially prominent tonight and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. She hits a high note at the end of the performance and belts and makes goblin/witch faces everywhere.

Randy thought it was a little pitchy at the end and that it was just "ok." Seriously? She wipes the floor with that dirty dishrag of a voice that comes out of Kristy's yapper...yet that country bumpkin gets all the praise in the world, while Carly gets the brunt of all the judges' bad tidings? NOT FAIR! Paula thought her voice was perfect but that she wasn't engaged in the song. That makes no sense, so I ignore her. Simon thinks she looks good this week (LIE), but that it was an unusual choice for her...which isn't true...I think the song fits her voice perfectly and totally matches the other songs she has sang thus far. He thinks she oversang and that she lost control of it after awhile. He claims that she looked angry...which I can kind of see...but whatever. SHE IS STILL THE BEST FEMALE SINGER IN THE ENTIRE SHOW!

My Grade: B+


David Archuleta- He has a hard time getting through the video interview...cuz he is unable to speak ever. He then says he will be singing that annoying and headache-inducing "Angels" song originally done by Robbie Williams and later SLAUGHTERED TO DEATH BY JESSICA "I'M A MAN" SIMPSON. Ug...seriously hates that song...like ug...I can't even deal.

He starts at the piano...again. Ok I'm a little annoyed with this whole instrument thing this season. It's like...we expect these people to sing and we expect them to sing well...just like every other season of Idol. And at first, the inclusion of instruments was a cool idea...but now with David Cook and Castro always on the guitar, and Archuleta and Brooke always playing the piano, I feel the excitement of the show is slowly dwindling. I already know what kind of performance I can expect and I can anticipate how certain performances are going to be and the surprise-aspect of American Idol feels a little lost. I already know that Castro will probably be playing some quiet stoner track with his guitar. Brooke will always be playing a similar song, only less high. David Cook will be shedding chords all over some modern rock (or modern rock cover) song, and Archuleta will deliver a cute, but starting to become boring performance while seated at a piano. And the latter is exactly what his "Angels" is. Like Cook, his voice doesn't really connect in the beginning of the song. The notes may just be a little too low or maybe he's sick, but his voice sounds really weak and just doesn't mix well with the music itself. His tone is as good as always and thank god for the chorus which allows Archuleta the chance to belt and actually sing well. The performance ends with a close-up shot of David where you can see his fillings in the back of his mouth and he ends the song with this cool little re-arrangement of the chorus. He does a lot of random runs and jumps all over his range and it's nice and salvages the burning shitship that the song began as.

Randy loves it...especially the refrain at the end. As he praises him, the camera cuts to the audience and we see Papa Archuleta out there smiling and clapping those huge monster bear -claws and I can only imagine what he is thinking: "Good little Archuleta...you have spared yourself the belt tonight." Next Paula starts to talk but all these little girls in the audience start wailing like a pack of insane bitches. Paula is too out of it to be coherent and says that those screams of pain are actually cries of joy and that everyone loves him. Simon thought it wasn't he best vocal (thank god!). He says he thought it was a little nasal. Fuck nasal! The beginning verse was not really even in tune! He then gives him the golden ticket of invincibility and says that he will "sail through to the next round." Whatever. There is a pan to the audience and we see some little 8-year-old girl holding up a sign that says "Lick Those Lips" next to a picture of Archuleta. Um...? Weird. What? Ew. I throw up in my mouth and then cry a little.

My Grade: B-


Brooke White- So of course Brooke will be singing "You've Got a Friend" cuz it's cute and friendly and flower-childy. She boasts about her extensive knowledge of music and says that James Taylor sang it, but Carol King did on her Tapestry album, and I'm like...ok...we get it...you (think you) know a lot about music. Stop talking. She mentions that at a talent show once, her and her friends performed it! SUPER CUTE! Barf.

Somebody else is behind the piano tonight (I spoke too soon during Archuleta's performance), and Brooke is refreshingly up front at the mic without her Grandma hands anywhere near the ivory keys. She looks overly Barbied this week. Like, when it first started, she looked nice. Normal, real and genuinely pretty. Then she started to look a little homeless, especially during "Here Comes the Sun". Her clothes were weird and looked tattered and her hair was dirty and matted. So now it seems like the producers are in style-damage control, cuz Brooke looks done up to the point of looking like a plastic life-size Tyra Banks Barbie doll. Her hair is way to fluid and mono-colored and is smooth and cascades off her head like the golden sunshine that covers every one of her rainbow-unicorn days. Her lips are plastic too, and she just doesn't really resemble the down-to-earth vegan that we were forced to believe she was earlier this season. She is so fake looking that I would dare to say she resembles one of those CGI characters that are made for animated films like "Shrek" or "Ratatouille"...like there are no flaws and it is quite disconcerting. Anyway...after being in the bottom three last week, Brooke is pulling out all the stops. Every other second she is making one of those gentle & pious "love me" looks into the camera where she stares off deeply into thought....ug, so irritating. Almost as much as David Cooks "give back." hand. Ok...this just may be the bitchy queen in me, but all of these "stripped down/introverted" reflection numbers need to come to a halt. Like...not every week has to be so fragile and quiet and subdued. I want the American Idol of past seasons where Kelly would dance around in a man's tie and hat while singing "Natural Woman"...I want Carrie Underwood to bust out from the side of the stage with crazy eighties hair wailing Heart's "Alone"...I want Sanjaya to make little girls cry again. I WANT SOME VARIETY. Anyway...Brooke is a tad boring. Her shirt is covered with the remnants of a strawberry rhubarb pie that exploded all over her just before she went on. Her vocals are as decent as always, but seriously...I couldn't care less. I just don't get this appeal, and I think both her and Castro are going to be in trouble real soon if they don't so something to shake up the snorefests that their performances are quickly becoming.

Randy loves it. Then Brooke spouts out...honestly for no reason...that she loves her father and husband and friends and music teacher and puppies and fresh apple strudel and memories and whiskers on kittens. Paula grew up to that song and remembers her sister playing the living beJesus out of it. She says she loves her to which Brooke is mad weird and says "I love you too" back. Simon thought it was like a pleasant walk in the park and Brooke makes those humbled overly appreciative faces that made Melinda Doolittle just a teensy bit irritating last season. He then says she wasn't original, but that she did a good job overall.

My Grade: B


Safe?

- David Archuleta cuz Simon says so.
- Jason Castro for singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in an unconventional way and bathing the audience in rainbow sunlight.
- Michael Johns for his "oh-face".

In Danger?

- Carly Smithson cuz the judges feel a constant need to unfairly trash all over her.
- David Cook cuz what the hell was that?
- Kristy Lee Cook cuz she's been in the bottom three every week so far...so why stop now?